Hello everytone! I am Lillia Reye Ellese. This would be my first RENT fanfic, this is actually my girlfriend Di's turf, but I had to post this.
This is just something that came to me from absolutely no where and I wrote up in less than a half hour. Its short, quickly written and maybe a bit random, but here it is.
Disclaimer: I do not own RENT, Mark or Roger. However I sometimes borrow the boys on the weekend and make amazing video tapes...oh damn, that was just a dream I had...
Third Choice
I pull away, watching confusion mar his face. I don't want to hurt him, but I just can't do it.
In the days before Mimi, before drugs, before April, but after New York, things had been different. It seems like we've always been best friends, but those were the days that we were closest. Those were the days that we were something special to each other. We never defined it, although I wanted to, he didn't. And it took me a while to figure out why. If we'd have defined it, it would have been official, a relationship, something he'd have to work to maintain and stay loyal to. Something that would have trapped him. Trapped him to me. And he never wanted that, he couldn't be trapped. So we did what we pleased when we felt like it, there were no rules, no expectations, nothing messy to restrict him. So when April came along, he didn't have to break up with me, didn't have to explain anything, didn't even have to breathe a word of it before he brought her home. And I couldn't say anything, because after all it wasn't like we were ever an established couple. The worst part was hearing him tell her the words he'd never even breathed to me, not even during the adrenaline rushed foolishness of sex, the words I never heard but she got every other day: "I love you". It hurt, of course, but I adapted. I always do.
After she killed herself, he was too out of it for anything to pick up again. By the time he recovered from the grief and the withdrawal, she came into our lives: Mimi. And although I loved Mimi like a sister, loved her for bringing Roger back to life, part of couldn't help but hate her for the simple fact that she got Roger to do what neither I nor April were good enough to: define their relationship. She got him to commit, to establish what they had, to willingly trap himself to her. It was then I realized why he did and why he never would before. He'd always given himself that loophole, that space to escape from in case anyone better came along…but with Mimi, he didn't need it. He knew she was it, she was the one. He didn't need to wait for anyone better, he had the best.
Mimi passed this past March. And its been seven months since. Seven months of Roger grieving and healing, and of course, seven months of me being by his side. Maybe he thought it'd be easy to pick up where we'd left off, maybe he thought (correctly) that I still love him… Maybe that's why he kissed me today.
He stares at me for a few moments, but I slowly back away. I watch as the confusion turns to hurt.
"I'm sorry Roger…but I can't. I just…can't." I say softly.
He frowns. "But Mark…come on. You know that I love you."
I flinch from the words, feeling them scrape at the inside of my chest like I'd swallowed a hook.
He reaches out to caress my face, but I turn away from his hand.
"I know Roger, and I love you too…I just can't deal with being your third choice." With that I walk away from him, going into my room. I wonder if he even understands what I mean before realizing that he knows, and I'll never get another chance for him again.
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So what do you think? Please review and let me know.
I accept all flames and criticisms.
Oh,and if you like writing for RENT, check out Challenge Central. Its in my profile, and posted under my girlfriend's penname L'il Senzu.
Lillia