Disclaimer: Dick still owns 'em.

This chapter is going to be pretty long. I couldn't figure out how to best break it up without creating incredibly short ones, so yea…if it makes for a difficult read or anything, let me know. Reviews are always appreciated 

I know I haven't been updating this as frequently lately. Sorry. I just finished my finals last week and I've had a serious case of writer's block. I'll try to update more often now.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jess slowly walked into her apartment and smiled when she saw Allen cooking dinner. She dropped her purse in a chair and walked over to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and kissing him. "Mmmm, I've missed you."

Allen wrapped his arms around her and returned the kiss. She looked tired, both emotionally and physically. He could see it in her eyes the second she walked in. When he pulled out of the kiss, he looked at her. "How was it?"

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Tears were threatening to consume her but she refused to let that happen. She took several more deep breaths before she felt she could speak without completely breaking down. "Intense. She's not my mother. There's something in her life she's hiding. She was damn near impossible to find. I swear the damn woman's died twice!" She laughed nervously. "I remembered my birth certificate said my mother was Alexandra Cabot, so that's what I searched. Unfortunately, all the results were for the woman I met today, who's six years older than me. I kept searching." She looked up at him and smiled. "Do you know how many pages Google gives you? About ten thousand."

His eyes widened. "How far did you go?"

She laughed. "I think I got to about page two hundred before I finally found something that explained it. My mother was Alexandra Cabot, but not the Alexandra Cabot I met today. My mother, however, had a younger sister named Sarah, who happens to be the same age as the Alex I met today. My mother died about three months after I was born and that's when I was placed up for adoption. After a hell of a lot of digging, I found that Sarah changed her name to Alexandra when she was eighteen. I have no idea why, but something happened." She took a deep breath. "I kept finding all these articles saying Alex Cabot had been shot and killed. Then, I kept finding all these cases she worked on…two years later. The only thing I can imagine is Witness Protection." She smiled sadly and rested her head against Allen's chest.

He could feel his shirt getting wet from her tears, and he knew there was a lot she wasn't telling him, but he didn't push her. She would talk when she was ready. He kissed the top of her head and gently rubbed her back. "Well, seeing as how you stayed out last night…without calling by the way…I take it she wanted to get to know you?"

Jess smiled as she wiped a few tears away. "Not at first, but you know me. I was on a mission to get to know this woman."

Allen laughed. "How long did you have to argue with her?"

"Actually, only a few minutes. She's hiding so much pain Allen." She looked up at him. "I'm so sorry I didn't call last night. I just…I found her having a panic attack on the bathroom floor and things just spiraled from there. I told her a little about my parents. She took me to lunch and had another panic attack. We went to the park and I told her about Casey. She told a little about her past, but it wasn't even the tip of the iceberg. Then she told me she was gay and was completely shocked that I didn't care." She smiled. "Her girlfriend's a cop. She did a background check on me and found out about my parents. It took me a few minutes to convince her that I'm not them, which is something I'm still trying to convince myself."

Allen led her into the table and put a full plate of food in front of her. "Eat. You look hungry." He sat down next to her and gently rubbed her back. "Jess you're not your parents. You never have been and you never will be. You are Jessica Matthews and you are the most amazing woman I know. I love you."

She smiled through her tears and set her fork down. "I love you, too. God Allen you are way too good to me. What did I do to deserve you?"

"Ah, well, you took that class and aced it easily. You're gorgeous. Add those to the fact that you are the most kind and caring person I know. Of course I love you. There's no way I can't love you. You're impossible not to love."

"Yeah," she said, rolling her eyes. "Allen, I left her alone tonight."

"What do you mean?"

She sighed. "We got back from the park and she told me to leave. She said she'd taken me away from my life for too long and she wanted me to go home. I kind of protested but she's a lawyer…anyway I told her I would go home if she promised to call me if she needed me."

He patted her thigh. "Then she knows she's not alone. You can't take care of her. She's a grown woman. Let her take care of herself and lean on others when she needs them. You told her she could call you. There's nothing more you can do." He shook his head in amazement and smiled. "This has been an intense thirty-six hours, huh?"

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"Well tonight you just sit back and relax. Let me do the dishes and you can just rest. We'll take a nice long bath, I'll tell you how much I love you, and we'll go to bed."

"Allen, the house is a mess, and judging by the pile of laundry in the hall, I'm guessing the pants you have on are the last pair of clean ones."

He blushed. "Yeah, I'll do some laundry tonight after you fall asleep."

She gave him that knowing look. "Allen the last time you did laundry we had about two inches of water and soap suds covering the entire floor of this apartment."

He laughed, embarrassed. "Yeah, well, I didn't read the directions last time. I learned my lesson, honestly." He paused, looking at her seriously. "I can do my own laundry for one night, Jess. Tonight, you need to take care of yourself."

She nodded reluctantly. He was right. She could feel exhaustion taking over her, and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it. She handed him her plate and watched as he did the dishes, doing them exactly the way she had taught him when they first moved in together. It made her feel loved that he had listened to her, even if it was a simple as doing the dishes. It proved her ideas counted to him, which was a first to her.

When the dishes were done, he led her to the bathroom and filled up the tub. He lit some candles and started to undress.

"I just can't believe I left her alone tonight!" Jess said, pulling off her shirt. She was still feeling guilty. She kicked off her shoes and tried to undo her pants, but her hands were shaking so much that the task was impossible. "Come on!" She yelled.

"Honey, come here," Allen said gently. He walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her. "You didn't leave her alone. You made sure she was okay before you left and you made her promise to call you if she needed anything, no matter what time it was."

She blushed. "Yeah, sorry about that. I wasn't really thinking that her calling might wake you up. I promise if she calls I'll try to answer right away."

"Jess, sweetie, relax." Allen said soothingly. He unbuttoned her pants and gently helped her step out of them. He looked her in the eyes and brushed the hair out of her face.

"Allen, I-"

He put a finger to her mouth, knowing she was about to apologize again. "Shhh. I love you, Jess. Stop apologizing. You don't have anything to apologize for. Besides, I'm glad you told her she could come to you."

"Really?"

He pulled her into the tub with him and wrapped his arms around her gently. "Absolutely. It shows what a great person you are. She's lucky you found her." He kissed the back of her head and gently rubbed her arm. "I love you, Jess."

"I love you, too. I'm so sorry I didn't call last night. I –"

"Jess."

"What?"

"Stop apologizing."

"Sorry."

He rolled his eyes and laughed. "Sooner or later we're going to break that apologizing habit of yours." He paused, feeling her body tense and he knew she was trying to fight the tears. "It's okay to cry, Jess. That's what I hear you tell every one else. It's true for you, too."

She leaned back into him and closed her eyes. She didn't want to cry, didn't want him to see her as weak, but she couldn't help it. So much had happened in the last two days and she lost it. She let the tears fall.

He pulled her closer and kissed the back of her head. He gently rubbed her arms and smiled. He had fallen in love with her the moment he had laid eyes on her. The only problem at the time was that he was her mentor for her senior seminar. He would have gotten fired if anything had happened between them. Once she finished, however, she was fair game. It had taken him several weeks to convince her to go to dinner, but he had finally succeeded. Since then they had spent as much time as possible together, and had just recently moved in together. She had such low self-esteem, which was something he was trying to help her work on. He had seen her grow so much in loving herself, but she still had a problem believing that other people loved her. He sighed. "I'm glad you found this woman, honey."

She sniffled and nodded. "I kind of told her girlfriend that I didn't know she wasn't my mother. I didn't want her knowing how much time I'd spent searching for her information. I hope she doesn't get mad."

"She won't. Besides, this Alex woman sounds pretty amazing. You just be yourself with her. Build your relationship. Let it go. Maybe, in time, she'll tell you what you need to know."

She forced a smile as they climbed out of the tub. "That's just it though. I mean at first I think I only wanted to get to know her so I could get information on my mom, but now…God Allen now I just want to get to know her. I want her to be a part of my life. She is…incredible. I know this sounds so stupid…"

"No it doesn't." He told her, pulling her into bed next to him. He pulled the covers up and wrapped his arms around her. "Maybe you didn't find exactly what you were looking for, but you still found something. Maybe this was supposed to happen – like you were supposed to be a part of each other's lives."

"Yeah, maybe so."

Jess fell asleep in his arms. She knew she hadn't really told him anything about Alex that could be construed as a betrayal of trust. She hadn't mentioned any details, and Allen hadn't asked either. He asked about her, sure, but as soon as she had tried to steer the conversation in another direction, he had followed. That was one of the things she loved about him. He always asked and voiced his love and concern, but he never pressured her to talk. He was always so respectful. She snuggled a little closer, wanting to be as close to him as possible.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

As she put the water on the stove to boil, Alex tried to convince herself that she had made the right decision by sending Jess home. She had told Jess to go spend time at home with Allen because he was probably worried sick about her. She poured in the macaroni and tried to believe that Jess wasn't going to take the conversation the wrong way and never speak to her again.

When she sat down in front of the TV, a bowl of macaroni and cheese in her hands, she realized she wasn't really that hungry. She took a few bites, knowing that she shouldn't go to bed without at least eating something, but she couldn't eat much. Her mid kept replaying the last conversation she'd had with Jess.

"You should really go home, Jess," Alex had said once they got back to her apartment. "Allen must be worried sick about you."

"I'm sure he's fine. He knows where I am."

She smiled. "Go home Jess. I've kept you away from your life for more than twenty-four hours. I don't want to keep you away any longer."

"Alex, you haven't –"

"Geez, kid, go home!" Alex said, laughing. "Please don't let yourself get completely sucked into my problems."

Jess had considered the request. She didn't want Alex to feel abandoned, but at the same time she knew that she needed her space. She nodded and gathered her things. "Okay, I'll go. Just promise you'll call me if you need anything, no matter what time it is."

Alex rolled her eyes. "Jess, I'm not going to wake you up at two in the morning just because –"

"Especially at two in the morning," Jess said sternly. "Alex if you need me, call me. You're not alone anymore. You don't have to do this all on your own. Call me. I'll come right over. That's what friends do. That's what…family does."

Alex looked up and wanted to cry. "Family?"

Jess smiled and hugged her. "Family. Face it Alex, you're my aunt. That makes us family, and family members support each other." She pulled out of the hug and patted Alex's shoulder. "Now I'm going to heed your request and go home. My phone is always on, Alex. Always."

She pulled her knees up to her chest and cried. This had all happened so quickly. Jess had just shown up at her office and things had begun spiraling out of control. Her niece was alive. Max left her. She had the worst flashback of her entire life. Jess had helped her. Olivia had come over and they had sort of gotten back together. She'd had another flashback and Jess had helped her again. A lot had happened in the last thirty-six hours. Her emotions were running wild as she sat on the couch, crying, wishing Olivia would come home soon.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Casey and Olivia were sitting in Casey's office going over the paperwork for the Cynthia Zeller case. Casey knew Olivia really hated having to stay late to work on a slam dunk case, and it was especially obvious right now. "Go home Liv. I can handle this."

She looked up and shook her head. "Case, I don't want to leave you with all this paperwork. You don't have to do it all yourself."

"Liv, go home. Be with Alex. I know she needs you more than I do right now." She smiled. "Besides, I'm not going to do all the paperwork myself. I'll do all of mine. Yours will be sitting on your desk when you arrive tomorrow morning."

"Gee, thanks."

"Go home, Liv. She needs you. I can see it in your eyes."

Olivia smiled sadly and nodded. "Okay." She stood and walked to the door before turning around and winking at Casey. "You know, it's damn near impossible to win an argument with you."

Casey laughed. "Liv, I'm a lawyer. I'm supposed to win my arguments."

"Yeah, yeah. Good night."

"G'night. Tell Alex I said hello."

"I will."

Olivia left Casey's office and went out to her car. She smiled slightly as she drove to Alex's apartment. She felt so lucky to have the friends she had, and to know that they all loved Alex so deeply. Casey was always there for her. Elliot was the "big guy who always wanted to help." Cragen was like a father to her. Even Munch and Fin would do anything for her. As she drove to Alex's, she knew everything was going to be okay. Yes, it was going to be a long and difficult road, but Alex had such a strong support system. She just hoped, for Alex's sake, that Jess was as good as she appeared.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Alex heard someone unlocking her front door. She tried to dry her tears, hoping to make it look like she hadn't just been crying. She looked up as the door opened and couldn't help but cry again when she saw Olivia. "You came back," she said, her voice full of relief.

Olivia quickly put her things down and ran over to the couch. "Of course I came back," she said, wrapping her arms around Alex and pulling her close. "There is no place I'd rather be."

"But your case! Olivia it's –"

"It can wait. Casey's a big girl. She can handle it for one night by herself. Besides, you're more important to me than any case ever could be."

Alex stiffened. She wasn't sure she wanted to hear Olivia say that, especially if it wasn't true. "Do you really mean that? I mean, honest to God mean that? Because if you're just trying to make me feel better, if you're just –"

Olivia put her hands on Alex's shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "Yes. I really mean that. You are the most important thing in my life, Alex. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. I love you, no matter what."

Alex looked away and tried to take deep, slow breaths so she didn't break down into sobs. "I'm…scared," she finally admitted quietly.

"It's okay to be scared, Al. It's okay."

She could feel the fear rising up in her and the only way she knew how to deal with it was to turn it into anger, and she couldn't stop it. "Why should I believe you? You already left me once before! Why should this time be any different?"

Olivia closed her eyes and cringed, not from Alex's words, but from the pain she knew she had caused her. She opened her eyes and looked straight at Alex. "I know I did, and if I could take that back I would. I would do anything to take back what I did."

"Why should you be any different than anybody else?"

"What?"

The anger grew stronger. Her eyes were wide and she wasn't about to even try to stop what she was about to say. "My parents made me pretend like it never happened. My ex-husband, Jack beat the shit out of me because it happened. Max left me before I even got the chance to tell him what happened. Why the hell should you be any different than anybody else?"

Olivia wrapped her arms around her and refused to let go, even when she tried to fight. "Because I love you. I love you Alexandra Cabot. I love you so completely and unconditionally that I don't even know how to put it into words. I look at you and see a woman who has been through hell and survived. I see a strength and beauty in you that I've never seen in anybody else. I'm right here, Alex. I promise. I am right here and I am not going anywhere. There is nothing in this world that could change that. Nothing." She made sure to emphasize the last "nothing" to make sure it was the one word Alex clung to.

Alex scoffed, wanting to believe Olivia's words but at the same time being unable to convince herself that they were true. She looked angrily at Olivia. "You'd feel differently if you knew what I did with him."

Olivia closed her eyes sadly and forced the tears back into her eyes, refusing to let them fall at that moment. She had no idea what to say, no idea how to help Alex. She took Alex's hand, but Alex tensed up and looked away. God this was hard. "I love you. I love you, Alex," she said again, and tried to put on a brave and loving face when Alex turned to face her, tears running down her cheeks. "I love you. Nothing that that man did to you will change how I feel."

"But I –" Alex started to protest, her breathing quickening as fear began to settle in.

"You did what you had to do to stay alive." Olivia took a deep breath. "You didn't do anything wrong, Alex. He forced you. He's the one I hate, not you." She paused and wrapped an arm around Alex's shoulders. "Believe me Alex, I am going to do everything I can to prove to you that I love you, no matter how long that takes."

"I told her." Alex said suddenly, needing to change the subject.

Olivia followed Alex's lead, knowing not to try to pressure her into talking about anything she wasn't ready to talk about. "You told who what?"

Alex sighed. "Jess. I…I told her about us."

Olivia raised her eyebrows in both shock and admiration. "And?"

"And I wish I had met her two years ago when you first told me you loved me. She accepted me, Liv. She doesn't care that I'm gay." Alex paused, then looked up at Olivia. "Liv, I told her I was…I told her I was raped."

Olivia gently rubbed Alex's back. God she's brave, she thought. She smiled. "Good for you. I know that can't have been easy for you to do."

"You're not mad?"

Olivia blinked in surprise. "Mad? Alex why would I be mad?"

Alex looked away. "Because I told her before I told you. I mean I know I told you I was raped but I was angry and yelling at you. I confessed to her. I mean I really, really broke down and just…I didn't tell her any details. I just told her that it – it happened and I'm sorry I –"

Olivia ran her fingers through Alex's hair and smiled. "Don't apologize. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. Alex, I am so, so proud of you. You opened up and shared something that wasn't easy, but you did it. I don't care if you tell some grandmother in the middle of Siberia what happened before you tell me. I don't care who you talk to Alex, as long as you talk about it. I love you. I love you, I love you, I love you. I will say that over and over again until you believe it."

Alex leaned into Olivia, and when she felt Olivia's arms wrap around her, she cried, and she cried hard. She brought her knees up to her chest and her entire body heaved with her sobs. Finally, she was letting herself hurt. Yes it was hard, and yes it was painful, but it felt so good to just let it all out and know that she was loved. She cried until she couldn't cry anymore, and the entire time she felt Olivia's hand gently combing her hair, heard Olivia's gentle voice saying "I love you," over and over. She cried until her eyes were dry. This was it. It was time. She wanted to tell Olivia everything. She was going to do it. Finally, she was going to really talk about what happened.

"I…I was…I was raped," she started. She reached desperately for Olivia's hand. Olivia quickly grabbed hers and squeezed. Relief swept over her and she squeezed back. "I was raped when I was fourteen…by the same man who raped my sister."

Olivia rubbed her thumb back and forth over Alex's hand when Alex stopped. She kissed the top of her head. "I'm safe, Alex. I'm not going anywhere. You can tell me."

Alex nodded, and began to tell Olivia a story that was either going to bring them closer together…or tear them apart.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Reviews would be nice, people! I've not been feeling the love lately 

Of course, thanks to all those who HAVE reviewed. I want to thank you all!