Disclaimer: They belong to Dick Wolf, but if he ever wants to get rid of them, I'll adopt them into a good home.
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She hated hospitals. She really, really hated hospitals. Every time a case brought them into one, she flinched. All the death, all the pain, all the suffering. She just hated it. Still, Jess had called in a slight panic, saying something about Alex screaming and Casey getting hit in the head with an ashtray and an ambulance and stitches and, well after that Olivia stopped paying attention to the voicemail and left for the hospital. She found Jess sitting nervously in the waiting room. "Jess, what happened?" she asked as she rushed over.
Jess looked up and saw Olivia running towards her. She had to smile. She hadn't meant to sound so upset over the phone, but judging by the look in Olivia's eyes, she knew she had made the situation sound a lot worse than it really was. She smiled reassuringly. "Alex hit Casey in the head with an ashtray," she smirked. "Your girlfriend's got one hell of an arm – gave Casey six stitches and a good little concussion."
Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. This wasn't a time for jokes. This was serious. "Jess, what happened?" She asked again, this time with more urgency in her voice. "Why'd Alex hit her?"
Jess looked away and sighed. She knew she'd made a mistake by joking right now, but she was so nervous and upset that she couldn't help it. Nervous energy usually made her pretty stupid, and this situation proved to be no exception. This was so unfair. Nobody deserved to go through what Alex had gone through, and now it was only going to get worse. At least the pervert will go to jail now, she thought as she turned back to face Olivia. The woman's eyes were filled with the same love and concern that Jess had seen when they first met. She sighed. "I don't know all the details," she said softly. "I was over at Alex's taking a shower after a baking mishap. I was drying off when I heard Alex screaming. I finished as quickly as I could and rushed out, only to find Casey unconscious on the floor. I saw the astray next to her and figured it out. From what Alex was able to tell me before we got here, Casey knows everything. I think she found Alex's old file or something, but she showed up and apparently the guy who raped Alex didn't just rape her. She told me she freaked when Casey handed her the file."
"Casey just showed up, unannounced, and dropped this on her?" Olivia asked angrily. "What the hell was she thinking?" She started to storm off down the hall to rip into Casey when she felt Jess grab her shoulder. "Let go of me," she said, seething as she tried to pull free.
"Wait," Jess pleaded. "Alex is in there right now and the two of them need to talk about this. I'm sure Casey had her reasons for bringing the case over to her. Apparently this is going to make the news, Alex mentioned it being the case you got called away for earlier, and I think Casey just wanted to tell Alex herself. My guess is that Casey wanted Alex to find out from her, not from the evening news."
Olivia nodded as she sat down next to Jess. Jess was right. Maybe it had been wrong of Casey to come over and drop everything on Alex all of a sudden, but the more she thought about it, the more Olivia realized that Casey had done exactly the right thing. It would have killed Alex if she saw the story on the evening news and later found out everybody already knew. She smiled. "Casey's a great friend, to both of us," she said after several minutes. "It's too bad the two of you met under these circumstances."
Jess stiffened in her chair. Alex didn't tell her, she thought. Alex had kept that conversation between the two of them. Talk about trustworthy. Jess turned to Olivia and tried to smile, but realized it was impossible and gave up. If she had any hope of keeping Alex in her life, she was going to have to be on good terms with her friends, and, most importantly, her girlfriend. She sighed. "Liv, Casey and I already know each other."
Olivia furrowed her eyebrows. She could tell by the sound of Jess' voice that something wasn't quite right. She remembered Alex mentioning something about Jess being a horrible liar and smiled. "Spill Jess. What happened between you two?"
She almost laughed. Alex and Olivia had both said the same thing. She shook her head. "I made a huge mistake my freshman year of college," she started, and told Olivia everything that had happened all those years ago. She told her about graduating early, about Casey not wanting to buy the alcohol, and about Brian. She told her about Casey's relationship with Brian, about how Brian had then told her that he was only interested in Casey for the sex, and about how Brian had abused his previous girlfriends. Then she told her about how she'd played the tape at the baseball for hundreds of students to hear, and how Casey had run off in tears and switched schools.
Had Jess not collapsed into tears and thrown her hands over her face in an attempt to hide them, Olivia would have been tempted to ask her what the hell she had been thinking when she pulled that stunt. Instead, she wrapped an arm around her and gently rubbed her back. "Why?" She asked softly. "What happened that you felt you needed to do that?"
Jess was already feeling guilty, and Olivia's questions didn't exactly do anything to help assuage that guilt. If anything, they only made it worse. Still, she owed Olivia an explanation. She knew Casey was a good friend of Olivia's, and Olivia deserved to know the truth about what had happened. She didn't want to come off as defensive, but Olivia needed to hear the why. "My parents never told me they were proud of me. They were racist and found out Casey once dated a black guy. They told me if I humiliated her, they'd be proud. I knew it was wrong, and I felt so terrible for doing it, but at that time I needed their approval. I was already a good two years younger than everyone, Casey had said something that got under my skin, and I knew Brian wasn't a good guy." Jess took a deep breath. The guilt was almost overwhelming. "I just wanted to make things right with my parents and keep that guy from hurting Casey."
Jess once again collapsed into tears as Olivia hesitantly put an arm around her. For a quick second, Olivia wanted to kick the crap out of this girl for what she had done to Casey, but then she smiled. Jess had seemed so perfect from the moment they met, like she could do no wrong. So she really is human after all, she thought. "Hey, look," she said gently. "I know you feel bad about what you did. It was wrong, but I think I can understand why you did it." She took a deep breath. "I was always a huge disappointment for my mother. She was drunk more often than she was sober, and I usually managed to get in her way several times a day…"
As Olivia's voice trailed off, Jess wondered if there was more to Olivia's story than what she was saying, but she didn't ask. "It's amazing how cruel some parents can be, isn't it?"
Olivia nodded. "Yeah, it is. But it's also amazing how great their kids can turn out to be. Alex had horrible parents, and she turned out to be nothing like them. It sounds like your parents weren't the greatest, yet you turned out pretty damn well, too."
Jess nodded. She desperately wanted to talk to Casey, to explain everything. She could tell how much everyone she had met so far in Alex's life cared about each other. They were like a big family, and she yearned to be a part of it. She had always been jealous of other families that stood by each other and loved each other. Now she had an opportunity to be part of one. She was going to try her best to right all the wrongs of her past. She just hoped Casey would forgive her.
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Casey slowly opened her eyes and cursed the throbbing pain. She pushed the button on her morphine drip and prayed it would take effect soon. As she looked down, she smiled. Alex had fallen asleep next to her. She brushed some of the hair out of the woman's face and tried not to cry. "You're the bravest woman I know, Alex. I'm so sorry this is all happening to you and I wish there was something I could do to ease your pain. All I can say is that I am going to do everything in my power to make sure this man never sees the light of day again."
"Just make sure you don't lose your job doing it," Alex muttered and smiled as she looked up to meet Casey's eyes. She hadn't actually fallen asleep. Her emotions had been running wild and sleep was the furthest thing from her mind. "How solid is your case?"
"Rock solid. I won't lose this one, Alex. I won't."
Alex looked back down and closed her eyes. The reality of the situation was finally hitting her. She could feel herself on the verge of tears again. How many times am I going to fucking cry today, she asked herself. "My sister never filed a report – my parents wouldn't let her. She never even went to the hospital." Alex paused. Casey had mentioned that this guy had been linked to twenty – three cold rape cases. Her insides churned. "Case, was I his first? Were all those girls raped after I was?"
Casey knew where Alex was going with the question, and it killed her to answer it. "Yeah, Alex, you were…you were his first."
"So it's my fault."
"No," Casey said firmly. "You didn't rape those girls –"
"But I may as well have!" Alex screamed as she sat up and stared angrily at Casey. "If I had reported him, if I had told the doctors what the man looked like, maybe they could have caught him. I told them I never saw his face because the room was so dark but I lied! Dammit Casey this is all my fault!"
"Alex, no," Casey said as she hugged her. "This isn't your fault. This man is a sick, sick individual who I swear I will kill if I meet him alone. Please Al, you've got enough on your plate right now. Don't blame yourself for something you couldn't control. You had no idea he was going to go after those girls. Alex, you had no support at home and I am so sorry you had to deal with this alone for so long, but you don't anymore. You had no one to talk to then, but you do now. It wasn't your fault, Al. it wasn't your fault."
Alex leaned into Casey and cried. She wanted so badly to believe Casey's words, but she couldn't convince herself that they were true. Those girls had been raped and tortured because she had been too damn afraid of her parents to say anything. This wasn't happening. She couldn't deal with it. She couldn't deal with Casey knowing like this. She was Casey's boss. How the hell was she supposed to keep a professional relationship in front of everyone if Casey knew? She wiped away her tears and went to stand up. "I can't fall apart on you like this, Case. I'm your boss. It's not fair to you."
"Stop," Casey said sternly and grabbed Alex's hand before she moved out of reach. "Yes, you're my boss, but you are first and foremost my friend. I still respect you, Alex. Hell, if anything, I respect you even more now. Don't hide behind our jobs, it's not fair to you. You're my friend, Alex, and I love you." She pulled Alex back on the bed next to her and squeezed her hand. She had no idea how the hell Alex had kept up that façade for so long, but she could see it was breaking now. Alex was falling, and she was going to do everything she could to catch her. Boss or not, she was still her friend.
"Thank you," Alex said softly after several minutes. "Thank you for telling me you knew. I think I would have killed you if I saw it on the evening news before hearing it from you. I appreciate it."
Casey smiled. "I think I would have had to kill myself if I'd let you see it on the evening news before hearing it from me." She met Alex's eyes. "Look, this case is huge, and I have no doubt that the media is going to get a hold of it, but I promise you I am going to do my best to delay that as long as I possibly can. I can't stop it, but I can slow it down." She took a deep breath. "Just, know that if you ever need to talk, you can come to me. Screw the professional relationship Alex. We're friends. If you need to talk, I'll listen."
"You already know everything. What more is there to talk about?" Alex hadn't meant to sound angry, but it had definitely come out that way. She saw the look in Casey's eyes. "I'm sorry. I just –"
Casey shook her head. "Stop apologizing. It's okay." She squeezed Alex's hand again. "I know what I read in the file, what you were able to tell the police when your parents weren't there. I know what happened Alex, but that doesn't mean you can't still talk to me. I'm still here if you need to get something off your chest, or even if you just need to cry."
Alex nodded. Casey's words healed her emotional wounds amazingly well. She couldn't believe how much support she had. The last few days had been incredibly difficult, but they had also proven to her how many people really loved her. She had to get Jess and Casey at least on speaking terms with each other. "Case, I never had a family that loved me before, but I have one now. I just…look, I know what Jess did hurt, but she's sitting out there waiting for me, and if it's too soon, just let me know, but I really want for the two of you –"
"Send her in."
"Seriously? Case, if it's too soon –"
"Alex, send her in. I can see how much she means to you. You're more important than the stupid fight I had with her years ago. I'm willing to forgive her, but I need to talk to her first. I need to find out why."
Alex smiled gratefully. "Casey, thank you. Thank you for everything."
Casey smiled modestly. "I love ya, Al. You're like a sister to me."
"I'll go get Jess." She said softly as she stood and walked out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.
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Steve rushed into the hospital and looked frantically around until he finally spotted Olivia and some girl he'd never met before. He ran over to her and wiped the tears from his eyes. "Olivia!" he shouted to get her attention. "What happened? Is Casey okay? Is Alex okay?"
Olivia spun around and smiled. The panicked look on Steve's face only added to her love for him. She shook her head and tried to keep from laughing. "She's fine, Steve. They both are." Her grin faded as she tried to explain what happened. "Steve, has Casey mentioned anything about Alex lately?"
He hesitated. "Only that the two of you have kind of gotten back together and that something's going on in her life that isn't good. Casey wasn't too sure of the details or anything."
Olivia nodded. "Casey knows all the details now. I can't tell you, it's not really my place, but she was right. It isn't good. Steve, all I can really tell you right now is that Alex's name is about to be smeared all over the news. Elliot and I got a break in a bunch of cold rape cases and Casey was looking over the files. Alex's file was one of them." She paused, giving Steve time to absorb the information he'd just been given. She could tell by the look on his face that he understood what she was saying, and that she didn't have to go into any more detail. I think Casey came over to tell Alex herself, so she didn't have to hear about it in a newspaper or on the news or something. Alex panicked and threw an ashtray at her."
Steve would have laughed at Alex's reaction had the situation not been so horrific. He didn't know Alex all that well, but he knew her well enough to know that she was an incredibly amazing woman. This wasn't fair. He shook his head and tried desperately to lighten the tension that had surrounded them. "Casey's damn lucky that's all Alex did. I think I would have thrown something else, too."
Olivia laughed. She knew she shouldn't, but then thought that maybe, in a situation like this, all you can do is laugh. Otherwise you'd go crazy. "Yeah, that's Alex. I'm kind of surprised she didn't start throwing more stuff, too."
Steve looked over at Jess and smiled. He suddenly felt bad for not introducing himself sooner. "I don't think we've met. I'm Steve. I'm Casey's husband."
Jess smiled and shook his hand. "It's nice to meet you. I'm…" she hesitated. This man was bound to know who she was. She looked over at Olivia, praying the woman would intervene and think up something to change the subject, but she didn't. Instead, she nodded, telling Jess to keep going and just tell him who she was. "I'm Jessica Matthews. I'm Alex's niece."
He did a double take. Had he just heard her correctly? As he looked suspiciously at her, and saw her turn nervously away and look down at her feet, he knew he had. Anger suddenly engulfed him. What the hell was she doing here? He didn't care that she was Alex's niece. All her cared about was the pain she had caused Casey. He turned to her and it took every ounce of strength he had not to shove her to the ground. "Don't go near my wife, do you understand?"
"Steve, wait," Olivia said before he could storm off. She put a hand on Jess' shoulder to keep the girl from going anywhere.
"No, I deserved that," Jess said. "I shouldn't be here –"
"Damn right you shouldn't be here," Steve started.
"Guys," Olivia interrupted. "Stop it. Look Steve, I know that Jess hurt Casey, but right now, we need to ignore that part of the past. Right now your wife is sitting in a hospital bed because her friend hit her in the head with an ashtray after realizing she knew her secret. Right now we need to worry about Alex. Casey and Jess have their own issues to work out, but Steve, now is not the time to flip out."
Steve didn't want to hear it. He remembered the first time Casey had told him about Jessica Matthews, and he'd wanted to kill her at that moment. Casey had cried for hours when she described the pain and embarrassment Jess had caused her. He'd be damned if he let this girl get away with that. "With all due respect –"
"With all due respect," Jess cut in, "I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve Casey's forgiveness. I know that, believe me. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I could take back what I did, but I can't. All I can say now is that I am sorry. I feel terrible for hurting her and I'm sorry."
Steve was about to respond with another angry retort when Casey's hospital room opened and Alex walked out slowly. Olivia rushed over to her and hugged her. They stood there for several seconds, silently, until they felt Jess and Steve staring at them. "You okay?" Olivia asked as she walked Alex over to the waiting room chairs.
Alex nodded and wiped away a tear. "Yeah, I think so." She shook her head and smiled at Jess. "She's asking to talk to you. I think she's ready." She noticed Steve's apprehensive look and smiled soothingly at him. "Give her a chance, Steve. She's my niece. Let her go talk to Casey, okay?"
"Fine."
Jess looked over at Alex. "Are you sure? I mean, this is kind of soon. I don't want to rush anything."
Alex laughed. "It took her several minutes to convince me that she was ready. Trust me, Jess. She's ready. She's angry as hell and will probably say some things that'll hurt, but give her a chance. She may just need to blow off some steam."
"Okay. I'll go in." She stood and walked slowly down the hall, nervous as hell but knowing that she had to make things right. She had to apologize to Casey.
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There was a soft, hesitant knock on the door, and Casey knew immediately who it must be. She closed her eyes and tried to push aside her anger. If she got angry, her head would start hurting more, and if it hurt more, she would get angrier. It was a vicious cycle that she refused to let start. She had to stay calm and hear Jess' side of the story. "Come in."
Jess slowly opened the door and stuck her head in. "Can I come in?" she asked nervously.
The look in the girl's eyes nearly made Casey want to cry. Why the hell do I feel so bad for her all of a sudden, Casey wondered. She smiled slightly and pointed to the chair by her bed. "Yeah, come on in. I think it's about time the two of us talked."
She nodded and made her way to the chair. She brushed the wrinkles out of her pants several times before finally sitting down. This was harder than she thought it would be. Casey was lying in a hospital bed, which meant the odds of her attacking her were significantly lower. That was good. At least Jess knew she would come out of this conversation in one piece.
"So," Casey began.
"Casey, I'm sorry!" Jess blurted out. "I'm so sorry!" Her eyes filled with tears of guilt. "I should never have done what I did. I'm so sorry. It was so incredibly horrible of me and I'm a terrible person and I just…I'm sorry."
"Why?" Casey asked. The girl was visibly upset, but she wasn't going to let that get in the way of finding out what on earth it was that she'd done to deserve that pain. "What in God's name did I do to deserve that? What did I ever do to you, Jess?"
Jess violently shook her head and wiped her tears away. "Nothing! Oh, God, Casey you didn't do anything! You didn't do anything."
"Then why? Why, Jess?"
She took a deep breath. "My parents! They…it sounds so stupid and I know it's not an excuse, but please, just hear me out?"
Casey nodded but said nothing.
She took another deep breath. "They were never proud of me. Never. I graduated two years early and still I was grounded because I was ranked third in the class, not first. Nothing I could do ever pleased them. I went home for Christmas vacation and talked to them about school. I mentioned how wonderful you were to me. God, Casey, you were always so nice to me, even when nobody else was. I think hearing that pissed them off, because they dug into your past. They called me up and said, 'Jess, that girl dated a black guy once. If you humiliate her, really humiliate her, we'll be proud of you. You'd prove yourself worthy to be a part of our family.' So I started talking to Brian and he told me he only liked you because of the sex, and that he was sleeping around with other girls, too. When I found out he hit some of them, put some of them in the hospital, I had to stop him. I didn't want him to hurt you. I didn't want to hurt you, Casey, but I needed my parents to be proud of me for once in my life. I figured I could keep him from hurting you and please my parents in one step. I'm so sorry."
"Did you please them?"
Casey's tone was understandably angry, and Jess felt terrible. She sighed. "Yeah, I did. They called me after they read in the papers about what I'd done. They congratulated me and told me I was a real part of the family."
"And?"
"And I would take it all back I if I could. Their praise wasn't worth your pain. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I was sixteen. They'd never been proud of me. I just…I thought I needed it. Afterwards I realized it wasn't their praise I needed. I thought it was, but once I had it, I realized it was worthless to me. If hurting others was the only way to get it, it wasn't worth it. I'm just sorry you had to get hurt before I could realize that."
Casey smiled slightly. She had long ago forgiven Jess. It was too painful to hold onto the hatred. She knew that if she ever got the chance to talk to her, she would need an explanation and would make no guarantees to form a relationship with her. Now, however, after hearing her apologize profusely, and knowing how important she was to Alex, she knew she could put the past behind her. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. She extended her hand. "Truce?"
Jess looked up, shocked as tears poured down her cheeks. "Really?"
She nodded. "I forgave you a long time ago, Jess. I always thought you were a cool kid, and when you did what you did, I cried for weeks. This isn't going to be easy for me, not right away, but I can see how sorry you are. I can see how guilty you feel. I can't say that I'm not glad you feel guilty, because I am, but I don't want you to keep feeling that way. What's done is done. You're a part of Alex's family now. I'm not going to let some stupid fight get in the way of that." She smiled and pushed her hand even closer to Jess. "So, truce?"
Jess laughed with relief as she cried even harder. She shook Casey's hand. "Truce."
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Okay, I'm going to ask what is probably a very stupid question, but I can't figure it out. I've been looking at a lot of stories, and in many of the summaries, it says AU. What does that mean?
Yes, I admit I'm an idiot.
