Disclaimer: I really wish I knew Dick Wolf. Does he have any kids? Maybe I could marry one and inherit these characters someday.
When I first started writing this story, I said to myself, "Jen, no sex scenes. You're no good at them," which is really the truth. I suck at sex scenes. I'm not exactly a romantic, erotic writer. But this chapter contains a teeny weeny one. I tried. Be critical if you wish, I don't care. I actually want to know your opinions, so please review. I had to do it though.
Oh, and this is a longish chapter…sorry. Enjoy!
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Casey stirred restlessly as she cursed her inability to fall back asleep for the hundredth time that night. Her mind kept drifting off to all the girls she was going to have to talk to during the trial, all the questions she was going to have to answer, all the horror she was going to have to make them relive. She opened her eyes and looked at the clock. Four fucking thirty, she thought angrily to herself. She groaned as she climbed out of bed, careful not to wake Steve, and made her way into the living room to look over her notes for the case, which started tomorrow. She didn't really need to review them. She'd gone over them enough by now that she had everything memorized. Still, it was the only thing she could concentrate on, so she figured she might as well make sure she had all the details right.
"Rachael Hower, nine…Rebecca Hower, eleven," she mumbled to herself as she looked at the file for the umpteenth time. "Both raped, stabbed, and burned…Rebecca died in surgery…" she began pacing back and forth with the file in her hands. Rachael was one of four girls who were willing to testify, and Casey was dreading having to put her on the stand. She was the youngest and had undoubtedly gone through more hell than any of the others, if only because she had lost her sister. Casey closed her eyes and tried to think. This was harder than any case she could remember trying, mostly because the damage this man had inflicted on his victims was worse than anything she'd ever seen. "Can you tell the court what happened…" she shook her head. "No Case, these are kids. Try again…" she thought harder. "I know this is very hard sweetie, but do you think you could tell me what happened?" She sighed. These girls knew and trusted her – she'd prepped the hell out of them during the past months, but it was still hard. "There's just no easy way to –"
"Preparing for tomorrow?"
Steve's voice caught her by surprise and she jumped and turned around, then smiled, embarrassed. "Yeah," she answered. "Did I wake you?"
He smiled. "Yeah, but it's okay." He wrapped his arms around her and kissed her. He could see the stress lines forming in her face, and the worried look in her eyes. He hated to see her like this. "Are you okay?"
"I don't want to do this."
He wrapped his arms tighter around her and rubbed her back gently. "You are about to bring peace to all of those girls and send that animal to death row."
"I don't want to do this to them!" she exclaimed
He felt her forehead collide with his chest, felt her shoulders rise and fall with her silent sobs. He kissed the top of her head. "I know it's hard, Case, but you're doing the right thing." He rubbed her back gently. "I love you so much honey. This is going to be okay, I promise."
"I love you too," she replied softly. She felt so lucky to have him in her life. What the hell did I do to deserve you, she wondered. "I just don't want to disappoint Alex. I love that woman like a sister."
"You won't disappoint her," he told her sincerely. "Casey, your evidence is solid. You're not going to lose this one."
She sighed. She knew he was right – as usual. With the evidence she had, there was no way she was going to lose this case. Still, something didn't quite feel right. She had a sinking suspicion in the pit of her stomach that the defense was up to more than just dirtying Alex's name. She had no idea why she felt this way, but the feeling was getting stronger by the second, and she prayed she was wrong. If they dropped a bombshell on her, she didn't know if she would be able to recover.
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"You ready for tomorrow?" Olivia asked as she poured herself a large glass of orange juice and began to drink it as quickly as she could. It wasn't exactly the breakfast she wanted, but she and Alex had overslept after having quite a romantic night together – one involving candles, a bathtub, and lots of lavender body oil. It had been quite an evening, but if she wanted to make it to work on time, she was going to have to live with having orange juice for breakfast. It was worth it though.
Alex smiled confidently and met Olivia's eyes. "You know what? I think I am." The truth was, she was more than ready. She was ecstatic. She was looking forward to doing anything and everything she could to help Casey put that bastard in jail. She winked at Olivia. "Thanks for everything, Liv," she said honestly. "These last few weeks have been…intense. I couldn't have made it without you." Her smile widened. "Thanks for not giving up on me."
Olivia kissed her and smiled as she pulled away. She'd never seen Alex look more confident and happy than at this moment. It made her smile. "I love you Alex, and I never once had any doubt in you. I knew you were going to pull through this." She squeezed her hand before opening the door to leave. "After this trial, we won't ever have to worry about him again. I'll see you when I get home tonight."
Alex smiled, then hesitated. "Uh, Liv, I um…the guys…I know how much time and effort they put into this, making sure Casey had everything she needed. I appreciate it and everything and I love them but…" her voice trailed off.
"But you don't want them in the courtroom with you," Olivia finished, her voice full of loving understanding. When Alex nodded, almost in shame, Olivia put a hand on her shoulder. "Hey, they'll understand. I'll talk to them. They love you, Alex. They aren't going to do anything that'll upset you."
"Thanks Liv."
She nodded. "I love you," she said, then paused. She hated leaving Alex alone the day before the trial. "Are you sure you're okay?"
She smiled. "I'm good, Liv. Really good. I promise." She began pushing her out of the door. "Go. You're already running late, and I am not taking the blame if Cragen fires your ass!"
Olivia laughed. "Okay, I'm leaving, just promise to call me if you need anything."
"Liv, GO!"
"Okay, okay! I'll see you tonight."
Alex watched as the love of her life pulled out of the driveway and drove off to work. She smiled and shook her head, unable to believe how far she had come in just a few months. If someone had told her six months ago that she would be living with Olivia and helping to put her rapist on death row, she would have laughed in their face. Now, however, she couldn't believe the path her life had taken. She went into the bathroom to take a shower. Before she stepped in, however, she stopped and looked at herself in the mirror. Usually, when she did this, she heard her parents' voices, telling her she was ugly and worthless. This time, however, those voices weren't there. Olivia had been working with her for weeks. Before showering, they would stand in front of the mirror, and Olivia would trace her scars, telling her she was beautiful and loved. It had been terrifying and painful at first, letting herself stand there, feeling Olivia's hands on her like that, but it had been well worth it. While she couldn't bring herself to stand in front of the mirror for long long, at least her parents voices were finally gone. It was the first time she'd been alone in front of the mirror that this had happened. That had to mean she was making progress.
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Allen felt Jess tossing and turning violently in bed next to him. He woke up and looked at the clock. Three twenty – five, he thought sadly. This was becoming an all too common occurrence. He hated that she was having so many nightmares. He leaned into her and heard her mumbling "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," over and over again. He gently shook her. "Honey, wake up. Wake up sweetie."
She opened her eyes quickly and clung desperately to his arm, tears pouring down her cheeks. "Allen?" she asked, her voice full of a pain and fear that he'd never heard in her before.
Her breathing was quick and shallow. She must have had some nightmare. This was worse than he'd seen her before. The nightmares were escalating. "I'm right here, sweetie," he assured her. "I'm right here. What happened?" He took her hand and felt her cling to it as though her life depended on it. She'd never told him what was in her nightmares before, but she'd also never clung to him like this. He hoped she would finally open up. "It's okay, honey. Talk to me."
"She hates me!" she exclaimed.
"What? Who?"
"Alex!" she yelled hysterically, then collapsed into his open arms. "The jury didn't believe Casey's portrayal of the events and they thought she fudged the evidence and Jennings got off. Then Alex told me she hated me because his blood is my blood and she never wanted to see me again and she hit me because I hit her and –"
He squeezed her tighter and rubbed her back. "Hey," he said soothingly as she sobbed. So this is what's been bothering you, he thought. It had been happening every night for weeks, but it had escalated since the day she hit Alex after finding out Jennings was her father. "It was just a dream honey. Alex doesn't hate you. She loves you."
"But what if she starts to hate me?" she asked, terrified. "What if she starts to hate me because he's my father and he hurt her and she remembers that night every time she sees me?"
"Jess," he said sternly, yet lovingly. "Alex isn't going to hate you for this. You can't control who your biological father is, she knows that. Besides, she's known who he was since the second she found out who you were. If she hasn't hated you since then, she's not going to start now, I promise." He felt her chest heaving with her sobs and he kissed her lightly on the top of the head.
"Make love to me."
"Jess, I –"
"Please…I need to feel you inside of me. I need you, Allen. I need to know that you still…love me."
"Of course I love you."
"Please," she begged. "Please make love to me."
He nodded as he pulled off his boxers, understanding that she needed this. He gently climbed on top of her. He held her head in his hands and met her eyes as he eased himself into her. "I love you, Jessica," he told her. With every gentle thrust that he made, he repeated those words, trying to drive out all the pain and guilt she was harboring inside herself.
Tears poured from her eyes as she clung to him desperately. This connection was exactly what she needed right now. With every thrust that he made inside her, she felt a little bit of the evil that ran through her blood disappear. She wasn't sure if she would ever fully rid her body of that evil feeling, but for now, she needed this connection. She needed to feel him, needed to know that her evil blood didn't scare him away.
When he was finished, he rolled himself off her and pulled her against him. "I love you," he told her again as they both drifted off to sleep, her head on his chest and his arms around her.
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She was so focused on the new case that was lying on her desk that she didn't even notice when Munch, Fin and Elliot crowded around her desk, smiles plastered on their faces as they realized they were staring at her unnoticed.
"Captain said no sleeping on the job," Munch said, jolting her back into reality. He smiled when she jumped in surprise. "Gotta be better aware of your surroundings, Benson."
She laughed. "Yeah? How many times have you called out sick from anthrax this year? Four? I think you'd better be more aware of your mail, Munch."
"Hey, you can't argue anthrax. If I call in claiming I got it, no one's gonna want me to come in."
"Yeah," she said, rolling her eyes. She looked at all of them. "Okay, what's up? Why are you all surrounding my desk?"
"We heard a little rumor that there's a very important trail starting tomorrow," Fin joked, then frowned when Olivia didn't laugh or smile. "How's Alex?"
She sighed. "Better than I would be if I were in her position. She's strong, but I can tell she's still nervous about tomorrow. No matter how strong she is, a person can only take so much. Tomorrow's going to be hell for her."
"Anything we can do to help?" Fin asked.
"Actually, yes…" her voice trailed off. She inhaled deeply, hating that she had to ask this because she knew how much they cared, but knowing that Alex was more important at the moment. She knew they would understand, but it still pained her to have to ask them. "She um, she knows how hard you guys have worked to get everything ready and she loves you for it, but…" she sighed. "She doesn't want you guys in the courtroom, Cragen included. She doesn't want you to see those pictures or hear her tell her story or –"
"Liv," Elliot said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "We love Alex like a sister. We would never do anything to upset her or make her uncomfortable if we could avoid it. If she doesn't feel comfortable with us there, we won't be there."
Fin nodded in agreement. "Just make sure she knows we love her and we're here if she needs us."
"And that I'm still willing to kick Jennings' ass if she wants me to," Munch added.
Olivia laughed and wiped away a tear. "Thanks guys."
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When Allen was sure Jess was in the shower, he pulled out his address book and began flipping through it. Jess hadn't really slept well, even after she'd cried in his arms and they'd made love. She had kept awakening from the same nightmare and crying as he hugged her. He had an idea of how to help pull her out of this, but he needed to check something first. He picked up the phone and dialed the number.
"Benson," she answered after the first ring.
"Olivia, it's Allen."
His voice was shaky. Something was wrong. She could tell he was trying hard not to cry. "Allen, what's wrong?"
He sighed. "It's um…it's Jess. Look I know this is going to sound really weird, but I mean it sincerely when I ask this, but how's Alex doing?"
Olivia furrowed her eyebrows, confused by the question. It wasn't odd that he was worried, just odd that he had called all of a sudden and asked about her. She shrugged it off for now. "She's doing really well. I think she's nervous about tomorrow, but she's okay. Why do you ask?"
He didn't answer right away. When he heard her call his name to make sure he was still there, he closed his eyes sadly and sighed. "Jess um, she's really worried that Alex is going to hate her for being Jennings' daughter. I tried to tell her that would never happen, but I think she needs to hear it from Alex. If you think we should wait until after tomorrow, after Alex testifies –"
"Call her, Allen," Olivia interrupted.
"Really?"
Olivia smiled. "I think it'll actually do her some good to see Jess like that." She shook her head, realizing how ridiculous that must have sounded. "I didn't mean it like that. I just think that it'll show her how much Jess cares about and loves her. Right now, I think she needs as much of that as we can give her."
Allen sighed with relief. "Jess really loves her, Liv."
"I know. call her. She'll be glad to hear from you guys."
"Thanks Liv."
"Any time."
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She was just about to turn on the TV and curl up on the couch when her cell phone started screaming at her. "Oooooohhhh," she groaned. "This had better not be work-related." She flipped open her phone and held it up to her ear. "Cabot," she answered.
"Hey Alex, it's Allen."
She smiled when she heard his voice. It had been too long since they'd seen each other. "Hey, how have you been? Long time no see."
He laughed nervously. "Yeah, I've been meaning to call." He paused and ran his fingers through his hair. "How are you doing?"
"Great," she answered truthfully. "I'm actually doing really well."
"Good. That's good. I'm glad to hear it."
"Allen?"
"Yeah?"
"What's the real reason you called me?"
"Am I that obvious?"
"Uh, yeah," she answered, laughing. "Spill."
He sighed. "It's Jess."
"Oh no, is she okay? It's been three days and I've been meaning to call but I wasn't sure if she needed some time away from me to process everything. I should have called. I shouldn't have waited. I –"
He laughed. The two of them rambled in exactly the same way when they were nervous. "I think that's what she needed at first, but now…now I don't know. she wakes up in the middle of the night screaming, terrified that you hate her –"
"I'll be right over," she interrupted, a huge smile on her face.
"What? Alex you have to testify tomorrow. If you want to wait –"
"Allen, I'm ready for tomorrow," she told him, and was surprised at the amount of confidence she heard in her own voice. I really am ready, she thought. She smiled, proud of herself for the first time in a long time. "Let me stop by the store to pick up a few things. I'll be over in an hour."
He sighed. She sounded okay…better than okay. "Thanks Alex."
"Don't mention it."
He hung up the phone and returned to the bedroom. It was nearly eleven and Jess still hadn't gotten out of bed. He'd seen her depressed before, but he'd never seen her this low. He sat down and put his hand on her shoulder. "Honey, I have to run a bunch of errands," he lied. He didn't want to let her know Alex was coming over. He was afraid she'd object too much. It would better if Alex just showed up unexpectedly. "First I have to shower. Care to join me?"
She didn't move a muscle. She just laid still, staring at the wall in front of her. "I don't feel like moving."
"Jess, honey –"
"I said I don't feel like moving!" she yelled, then threw the blanket over her head to hide.
"Fine," he said. He understood that she was upset, but still, her words stung. He stood and gathered his things. Before he went into the bathroom, he stood and sighed at her defeated frame lying in the bed. "I love you Jess," he said. When he didn't get a response, he sighed and went to the bathroom, praying that Alex would be able to help better than he could.
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She arrived at Jess' exactly one hour after she received Allen's call. As she pulled into the parking lot, she shook her head sadly. She hated that Jess thought she would hate her, yet in a way, she could understand why she felt that way. She took the stairs to the third floor and saw a note taped to the front door of the apartment.
Alex,
Thank you so much for coming over. I know it was terrible timing and I apologize. You're an exceptional woman and I know you didn't have to come over today. You have no idea how grateful I am that you're in her life. She loves you more than you know.
I've tried several times to coax her out of bed but nothing has worked. That's probably where you'll find her. Don't worry if you can't get her up and out of bed. It won't be your fault. The door's open. Don't bother knocking. She doesn't knowing you're coming over and I doubt she'd answer even if she did.
Thanks again,
Allen
She sighed sadly as she opened the door, struggling with the grocery bags she was carrying. She placed them in the kitchen, then made her way to the bedroom. "Jess," she said softly as she knocked on the door. When she didn't get a response, she slowly opened it and frowned, seeing Jess lying on her side, facing the door, tears pouring from her eyes.
"Go away."
"Nope," she said as she made her way over and sat on the bed. "You're getting out of this bed today and that's final."
"No," she said sullenly, then tried to pull the blanket over her face.
"Yes, you are," Alex said sternly as she ripped the blanket from Jess' hands and tried to physically pull her from the bed.
"Alex, what the hell!" Jess yelled and pulled away from her, though she didn't lie back down.
"Jess, get out of this bed and spend the day with me."
"No. I'm not getting up."
"Jess –"
"NO!"
"Jess," she said, so sternly that Jess didn't have the guts to argue. "You have got to stop moping around and feeling sorry for yourself," she said as she successfully pulled her into a sitting position. She wrapped an arm around her and squeezed tightly. "Come on. I brought movies and sustenance. Get out of bed and join me in the living room when you're ready."
Jess didn't give any sign that she'd heard Alex, so Alex simply patted her on her back and left the room. She poured herself a glass of milk and brought the package of Oreos she'd purchased out into the living room. She rummaged through Jess' movies before finally deciding on, again, Robin Williams: Live on Broadway. If anything would coax Jess out of that bedroom, this was it. She turned it on, making sure to turn up the volume, and plopped herself down on the couch. She opened the package of Oreos and started eating as the movie started.
She could hear the movie playing in the living room, yet she couldn't will herself to get out of bed. Alex had successfully gotten her to sit up, which was more than Allen had been able to do, but that was it. Knowing the truth about who her birth father was too painful. She didn't want to have to deal with it. It was so much easier to just sit and hide out in her bedroom all day. Still, she knew she would have to deal with it someday. Alex's trial started tomorrow. Fucking tomorrow, she thought guiltily. She had to get out there, for Alex's sake. She sighed, dreading this more than anything, and slowly made her way out into the living room.
"Congress recently approved the covert plan to assassinate Saddam Hussein," she heard Robin saying. "So what they've done is PUBLICLY approve…the secret plan…to assassinate Hussein. I wonder if he knows?" She smiled sadly and sat down next to Alex. She looked at the coffee in front of her and laughed at all the snacks that were strewn across it. "Oreos?"
Alex laughed as she wrapped an arm around Jess and pulled her closer. "I seem to remember a certain time when you came over and confessed to being lonely and eating Oreos by yourself. Now you're not alone. Plus, if any movie can put a smile on your face, this is it."
She wiped away a tear and smiled thankfully. She sighed and leaned her head on Alex's shoulder. "Alex, I'm sorry for –"
Alex popped an Oreo into her mouth and smiled. "Hush. This is a good movie and I'd like to see the whole thing through. Watch it, cheer up a little, and we'll talk when it's over."
"Thank you," she whispered as she grabbed several Oreos and turned her attention to the movie. She was already starting to feel a little better, but the pain was still there. Alex's plan worked, though. The movie was indeed too funny not to laugh at. By the time the credits were rolling, she was feeling a lot better.
"I knew this would cheer you up," Alex said matter-of-factly.
She nodded and smiled slightly. "You were right." She looked away, suddenly feeling guilty that Alex had come over and had to deal with this on the day before the biggest trial of her life. "Why'd you come over? You've got to be so stressed out about tomorrow. You shouldn't have to deal with my shit right now."
"I'll admit I'm a little worried about tomorrow," Alex said honestly, "But I'm more worried about you. Jess, I love you more than I can express in words, please understand and believe that."
"But my father –"
"Was a bad man, yes, but you're not him." She rubbed Jess' back and smiled lovingly as their eyes met. "You're not him, Jess. You're nothing like him. You're an amazing, beautiful, wonderful young woman. You have helped me through so much these last few months and I can't thank you enough for putting up with me."
Jess' eyes filled with tears as she leaned her head on Alex's shoulder. "I'm so sorry I hit you. I'm so sorry I didn't call you. I just –"
"No apologies Jess," Alex said. "It's okay."
"How'd you know I was upset? You brought all this over, which means you had a warning. Who told you?"
"Allen." She smiled and gave Jess an encouraging squeeze. "That man loves you…he really loves you. He was worried about you so he gave me a call, and I'm glad he did."
"Alex, are you sure you don't need to be preparing for tomorrow?"
"Jess, I'm as prepared as I can possibly be. Casey prepped the hell out of me and I already know what to expect because I've been in her seat more times than she has. I'm fine, I promise. Right now, I want to make sure you're okay. I need you there tomorrow, Jess."
She nodded. "I know. I'll be there, I promise. I won't miss it."
"I know you won't, which is what's scaring me right now. I want to make sure you're okay. I need you there Jess, but I don't want you to be there if you're not okay with all this."
She sat up and met Alex's eyes, taking care to notice the love in them. She nodded, finally understanding that there wasn't any hatred towards her. "I am now. Thanks."
"I'll stay here until Allen gets home. Call me next time you're feeling upset Jess. We're…we're family, we're friends. We support each other. You've supported me this whole way. Let me support you now. I love you, and I promise that's not going to change. I don't care that he's your father, Jess. I care that you're my sister's daughter, my niece. I care that you've done what you've done for me. That's what's important."
Jess hugged her tightly and cried tears of joy. "Thank you."
"Anytime Jess, anytime."
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That night, Alex told Olivia she wanted to shower alone. It wasn't that she didn't want to be with her, she just needed to be alone for a few minutes to get her thoughts together. Spending the day with Jess had been emotionally exhausting, but she felt good about it. Jess had shown her an unbelievable amount of love and respect. As much as it pained her to see her hurting like that, she was glad that Jess cares so much about her and what it might do to her to know that she was Jennings' daughter. She was grateful that Olivia was so understanding. As she undressed, she once again looked at herself in the mirror. This time however, as she traced her scars, she smiled. "I win," she said confidently. "I am beautiful."