Bare-Back Mountain

Chapter Five:

It was fate. I was as gay as Al. I was gayer than Al. I was- fucked.

I was lying on my back, staring up through the leaves, when Joe had come by. He had smiled and waved, then sat down next to me. We talked about frivolous things, laughing and being... well... guys.

That's when it happened. A strong wind came by and we had been pushing each other, rough-housing, you know? Yeah... I accidentally, (take it how you will), touched... him... and then... and then...

I blushed. "I GOT A FUCKIN' BONER!" Thank god there was only Eve and I in this small room. Her serious face cracked and she erupted in a fit of giggles.

"What did you do? You homo!" She laughed outrageously, so loudly it was almost fake.

"What do you mean, 'what did I do'? I fuckin' high-tailed it out of there! God dammit Eve, why are you laughing?"

"I- giggle giggle- I'm s-sorry... it's just-" She wiped a tear away from her eye, still laughing as hard as ever. "Just imaging it!" She was laughing harder, clutching her stomach, tears rolling from her eyes. "You got jacked because of Joe!"

"Alright, what'd I miss?"

His voice cut through the air, Eve's laughter stopping suddenly as I gasped.

Joe stood before us. He didn't seemed irritated at all, not shocked, he certainly wasn't green or puking. So...

"Errr... what?"

"What did I miss? I mean, you just belted off. Are you ok?"

Eve shoved me. I realized I had been staring straight at Joe with a look of utter deer-in-headlights. "Um... good time to answer your frickin' love Ray! Ray?" She was whispering, nudging me.

"Don't nudge so hard!" The room was silent as a graveyard. My face was red as hell and Joe's eyes were a look of pure intrigue.

"Uh... I wasn't... nudging you!" Eve smiled and laughed nervously, reddened then stood up. "I'm going to go and uh... bye!" Thanks a bunch of Honey and Oats. Bitch.

"Uh... sorry I- errr... Got... diarrhea?" Way too smooth. Smooth like diarrhea. Damn. "I mean-" His eyes were shut tight, smile on his face, laughter making his shoulders shake. "HEY!" He's laughing at me! "Sorry for running off on you! Wish I had done it sooner!"

"You're acting like a chick." I pouted. Damn. Damn damn damn. "You sure did act like one back there. "I'd hate to meet the chick that got a boner over me.

"No. I didn't." He laughed.

"Alright, alright." He put his hands up like he was under arrest. "Well anyway, you won't go spewing diarrhea at me if I ask you something, will you?" I may puke. Handsome bastard.

"I'll think about it." I returned coldly.

"C'mon! I was kidding."

"I wasn't." I crossed my arms, staring him down.

"Well, I'll ask it anyway. Just try to contain yourself." He chuckled. "You have a date, right? For the Fireworks Festival?" I don't if you don't want me to.

"Why?"

"I wanted to know if you wanted to go on a double date with us. You know, Katie and I?" Damn.

"Yeah. Me and Maria are going." I took a deep breath, brushing back the loose strands of hair that had fallen over my eyes. "I guess I could..." I frowned. This is great. Just great.

"Awesome! I'll see ya there." What, no exit joke? No burns? No taunts? What a bastard. "That is- if you don't have diarrhea. See ya, Ramona." He winked and left, the bell above the door tinkling merrily, oblivious to the daily occurrences. Be careful what you wish for. Damn.

"He asked you out?"

"Quit teasing me! Of course he didn't. He's straight."

"Just like you, right?"

"Shut up!" My face reddened. Eve smiled coyly back at me, hair falling over her face in curls. "It's a double date. He's going with Katie."

"Oh, don't sound so miserable! You'll at least be near him, right?" I frowned but nodded.

"Hey wait-! I still might not be gay though!" She laughed and I knew the situation was hopeless.

I was gayer than Big Gay Al.

Damn that hot bastard.

One more day. One more day and poof. I was going to the festival. I made a plan in my head. I was going to kiss and marry Maria and we would live happily ever after and have a billion straight kids and I'd be straight and happy and Joe and Katie would leave because they were jealous of our super happy straight life. Yep. That's the way it'd happen.

One more day.

Then I'd be straight...

But for now...