Chasing Cars Chapter 5: You Are, a grey's anatomy fanfic

Disclaimer: So I've been thinking, we all know I own nothing associated to the show …but does anyone think it's actually possible to buy Patrick Dempsey? Because I'm so in line if it is.

This chapter is all Meredith and Derek. No one else is even in it.

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Meredith's POV:

In. Out. In. Out. I reminded myself to breath as I grabbed the jacket off the hook and headed outside to meet Derek who had taken a seat on the stairs. It was time. In. Out. In. Out. The conversation that I had avoided for the last 5 years, the conversation I kept feeling that I needed to have but was too afraid to face, was about to happen.

This would change everything.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Derek asked as I sat down beside him. He sounded hurt and betrayed.

"I, I didn't know how," I meekly replied.

"Meredith, she's my daughter. I have a daughter. I had a right to know, you find a way to tell me." Derek said.

"I know, Derek. I know I was in the wrong," I said starting to feel tears build up behind my eyes. I'm terrified. Will he demand her? Will he want to take her away from me? Will he want nothing to do with her? I thought I knew Derek, but he had proven me wrong so many times before on my assumptions about him. I couldn't trust the thoughts I needed to trust so badly.

"What does she know? Does she think her daddy was some married asshole who didn't care about her?" Derek questioned with a bitter laugh.

"Derek! She doesn't think anything like that. She doesn't know anything. I always told her she didn't need to worry about having a daddy, that it was just me and her." I said wiping a tear off my cheek.

"Why didn't you tell me?" the main question was repeated again.

"Why didn't you tell me about you and Addison getting a divorce? Why didn't you contact me then?" I asked. It seemed a little random, a little unimportant to the conversation at hand, but suddenly I needed to know.

Derek sighed. "You ran, Mer. I thought you had moved on, I thought you had given up on us. I didn't want to disrupt the new life you had started. I didn't think you'd care."

"I don't." Although I do. I care. Five years after the fact, and I still care. But he doesn't need to know that. "But don't you see, that's why I couldn't tell you about Emily. You had moved on, you were with Addison. I couldn't disrupt that life."

"Meredith!" Derek yelled getting up and starting to pace around. "You can't actually expect me to believe that, can you? We had sex, Meredith. We made love. You know that meant something!"

"I thought it had. But then time kept passing. And you were still with Addison. You didn't even make an effort to talk to me after prom night." I said, now out right crying.

"Mer, you were avoiding me!" Derek said, throwing up his hand exasperatedly.

"That's beside the point." I said, hiding my face in my hands.

"I know. The point is, I have a daughter and you kept her from me. I had reason to believe that whether Addison and I were divorced or not had no effect on your life. But this! This had an affect on my life, regardless of all the other shit!"

"I know." I do know. That's why I never told him.

"Meredith?" Derek said more gently. My face still hidden in my hands I felt him kneel in front of me. "Why, why didn't you tell me?"

In. Out. In. Out.

"I didn't tell you about Emily because I know you. I know you Derek. You would have stayed with me, out of obligation. And I couldn't settle for that. I wanted you to love me. Me! Not a child, not the mother of your child. Me." I screamed through my tears and my sobs.

You are poetry in motion

You inspire power and devotion

You are the turning of the tide underneath

You are the potential in me

Derek's POV:

I felt my heart break. I had loved her, loved her so much. Still loved her so much. If only I had done what my body and heart yelled to do 5 years ago. I should have listened. I wanted so badly, after that night in the exam room to go home and tell Addison it was over and then to go find Meredith and tell her how much I loved her.

If only I had, I bitterly thought to myself, things could have been so much different.

The anger left me. It was my fault, my fault I didn't know I had a daughter, not Meredith's. I sat beside her and gently put my arm around her back and pulled her close, hoping beyond all reason to hope that she wouldn't push me away.

She didn't.

In. Out. In. Out.

"What's she like?" I asked, hoping she could see past her anger at me, and tell me about the little girl I already loved so much.

"She's a tiny little person," Meredith said, giving me a sad smile. "Sometimes she's so much like me. Sometimes she's so much like you. But most of the time she's her own little person. So much personality in such a little body."

"She's beautiful." I responded honestly.

"She is." Meredith nodded her head, and leaned it against my shoulder.

"How's she like me? Besides the hair I look at her and see you."

"She's stubborn and pig headed," Meredith answered laughing.

"We're both stubborn and pig headed. You can't blame that on me." That's why were sitting her, 5 years after we had fallen in love talking about a daughter I didn't know I had, I added silently.

"You haven't seen her smile. When she pouts she looks like me. When she smiles, Der, she looks like you. She has your smirk." Meredith said looking up at me.

I send that smirk back her direction. "Anything else?" I ask, hoping my daughter has more in common with me than dark curls and a smirk.

Meredith gave a small laugh, the one that always drove me crazy. The one I had heard in my dreams every night for the last 5 years. "She doesn't really know what I do, she only knows I work in a hospital. I've always thought she was too young to hear all the details. But then one day, a couple of weeks ago actually, she comes home from school and tells me, straight faced, that she wants to be a brain surgeon."

I laughed, really laughed. "My little girl wants to be a brain surgeon?"

"She does."

"What was her first word?" I asked, wanting to know everything about her. Wanting to know everything that I missed.

"Boat. Believe it or not, it was boat. And she started walking around the one year mark. I didn't get her hair cut till she was two, I loved the hair too much. The first time she went trick or treating she dressed up as a princess. Her first day of school she cried and came home with stories of all her new friends. She takes ballet. She hates vegetables. She wants to play hockey." Meredith volunteered all the information in a rush. She understood me, she knew I wanted to know it all.

I felt tears prickle behind my eyes, sad at all I missed and feeling more love in my heart than I knew possible. Love for Emily and for her mother. "Fishing. What does she think of fishing?"

"She's never gone fishing."

"Can I take her? I know there's a lot to figure out, and a lot to discuss Mer, but I have the day off tomorrow. And I want to know my daughter." I asked, hoping she'd let me.

"Of course, yes you can take her fishing." Meredith said, giving me a hopeful smile.

"Meredith?" I asked. "Are you upset? Are you okay? Do you mind that she knows me? That she found out about me?" It was the most terrifying question yet, finding out how Meredith felt about me, her, us.

In. Out. In. Out.

"I'm okay. Scared but okay. I grew up without a dad, and I don't really want my daughter to grow up the same way. She needs to know you, and you need to know her. I knew when I brought her here this would probably happen, and I don't regret it."

"Good," I said, pulling Meredith closer to me, in both my arms and hugging her, hoping in a way I hadn't for 5 years.

I know, it was quite the long chapter. I'd say sorry, but I like to think it was worth it. And I know it may seem odd that they went from yelling to having a nice conversation about Emily . . . but this is Mer and Der we're talking about . . .I can't actually have them stay mad at each other. Too much love there. Please review and let me know what you think.