Disclaimer: I don't own Love Hina.
Contains quite a few curse words so if that bothers you then don't read it.
Hinata Army VS. Psycho Turtles
Chapter One
Why are we here?
The Hinata army which consists of ten "well trained" soldiers to fight against the evil psycho turtles are about the one question everyone has been having on their minds for quite a while.
"So, I wonder why are we here?" Haitani asked Shirai.
"I don't know for sure. Is it really just like, bang and everything just came into being or does a higher power exist like a god? This keeps me up at night sometimes." Shirai responded.
"Uh, what did you just say? I was asking why the Hinata army was sent to Parakalese island to fight some war. Hey, do you have any God issues you like to discuss?"
"No."
"Are you telling me the truth?"
"Yes, I am telling the truth."
"I think you are lying through your teeth. Tell me the truth now damn it." Haitani screamed as he pulled a gun to Shirai's head.
"For the love of it all, I am telling you the damn truth." Shirai responded pushing the gun away from his head and caused it to fire almost hitting Naru in the head.
"Grrr . . . watch where you are firing your weapons. You are a bunch of stupid idiots." Naru yelled at the two idiots.
"Okay Naru, calm down and control your anger. I am not having thoughts of brutally murdering people right now. I can do this. Naru said to herself as she tried to control her anger after her superiors said that they were getting tired of fielding complaints of assaults and said that she needed some anger management which of course she wholeheartedly felt that they were wrong."
Meanwhile . . .
Two turtles were hiding on a high cliff looking down at Shirai and Haitani as they have been talking to each other. One of them had a sniper rifle and was looking through the scope at the two soldiers.
"So, what are they doing now?" Asked one turtle who had been asking that question to the smarter turtle every five minutes for an entire week and he was losing his temper about right now.
"They are just standing around and talking. They were talking last week and right now and five minutes from now they still will be talking. That is the only thing that they have been doing is talking." The smart turtle responded.
"So what are they saying right now?" The stupid turtle asked.
"You know what? I hate you and can't fucking stand your lack of common sense and intelligence." The smarter turtle responded.
"So why don't you take that sniper rifle and kill them all and go home happy so we can end this stupid war." The stupid turtle said.
"Well, Mutsumi said that we should wait until they make the first move." Said smart turtle
"I personally think she is completely lost whatever sanity she used to have." The stupid turtle said.
"Yeah, she is a little wacky and a little empty in the head but she has really nice melons." Said smart turtle.
"You know you are a turtle and she is a human . . . And you are one sick demented turtle." The stupid turtle said.
"I was referring to the watermelons that she has a lot of and likes to eat. What were you thinking of, huh?" You are the sick demented pervert who thinks he is a human. The smart turtle said.
"You know something?" The stupid turtle said
"What?" The smart turtle responded.
"I hate you too." The stupid turtle said.
"Good for you and I mean it." The smart turtle said.
"You know that was an insult." The stupid turtle said.
"What I said was sarcasm, you stupid idiot." The smart turtle said.
"Oh, sorry." The stupid turtle said.
Meanwhile . . .
"I always wanted to know so what are we doing here anyway?" Asked Haitani.
"We are here to fight the turtle army on this tropical island." Replied Shirai.
"Yeah I know all that but I wanted to know why we set up a base here at this island in the middle of nowhere."
"We did that so we could attack the turtle base on this island."
"Well, they built a base over there because we built this base right here. So if we were say to pull out right now and go home. Then if the turtles were to take over this base, then they would have two bases in the middle of fucking nowhere, whoop d fucking doo."
"Yeah you are right. This is a waste of time so we should be back home wearing our uniforms and picking up hot chicks who like army dudes and having some fun with them."
"Right on, Haitani."
"Attention soldiers. Get together right here damn it." Naru screamed at Haitani and Shirai who were goofing off all this time.
"Ah shit. We've been busted again." Haitani and Shirai said.
"Okay soldiers. God damn it Keitaro, stop looking down my shirt you pervert." Naru interrupted herself when she had seen Keitaro's eye shift downwards.
"I like what I see but the damn shirt keeps getting in the way of most of the good stuff." Keitaro said.
Naru who is trying to keep her cool, tries to ignore his comments but is having trouble doing so.
"Kitsune! Stop drinking sake damn it! How can you function while totally drunk off your ass? You have to be sober while working and why did you join up, anyway?"
"I was the one who was screaming "me me I want to go to a tropical island and get my head blown off by a bunch of psycho turtles"." Kitsune replied with sarcasm.
"Very funny, smart ass." Naru responds to Kitsune's remarks which were really starting to get on her nerves.
And why did you join the army huh, Shinobu. Naru asks.
I joined to meet new friends and see new places. Shinobu responds.
"Uh you know that we are here to fight and kill turtles. So have you killed turtles before?"
"Kill turtles? Heck no, I am a pacifist and I don't believe in senseless killing and war."
"What the hell were you thinking? This is war and things die in war so why are you here anyway?"
"Well, my parents thought it would be good for me to go on trips around the world."
"I guessing your parents must be on crack because no one in their right mind would send their pacifist daughter to a war zone."
Shinobu fires a gun and purposely misses Naru's head by inches.
"Don't fuck with me or my family because I didn't miss with that shot and I don't intend on having to stain my hands with a certain person's blood today."
"Okay, calm down and put the gun away, Shinobu." Naru said before someone starting screaming.
Motoko runs out and starts looking around frantically while darting her eyes back and forth.
"Turtles . . . turtles . . . They are all over the place. Have to kill them all. I'll cut them all up and cook them and eat them and . . . fuck cooking them . . . I eat them all raw so they all will die today and none remain." Motoko said as if she was a little cuckoo.
"What is up with her?" Naru asked.
"I think she is going thorough one of those episodes again. You should be careful if I were you." Kitsune responded.
"And why should I be afraid of her?"
"Well, sometimes she mistakes people for turtles and since she is afraid of them and hates them she may attack you with her sword."
"I see a turtle over there and I must kill it!" Motoko screams as she runs toward Kentaro.
"I'm not a turtle. I'm Kentaro." He says before getting attacked.
"Wow! She stabbed every organ in his body in alphabetical order." Naru said.
"What is even more amazing is that he is still alive. Isn't he supposed to be dead after that attack?" Kitsune responded.
"I am okay. There is a lot of bleeding and I am feeling a bit woozy but besides that I feel just fine." Kentaro responds.
"So is there a way to treat her lack of sanity at the moment."
"Yes you can just give her two of these pills." Kitsune says while showing Naru a bottle of pills.
"Uh, so who is going to be the one to shove two pills down Motoko's throat while she swings her very sharp sword around."
"Me, me, I want to have my arms, hands, and fingers cut into confetti." Kitsune says with sarcasm and that is starting to wear on what little patience that Naru has left.
"Shut up, you smart ass."
"Hey, let me help you out with that." Keitaro asked.
"No way! All you want to do Keitaro is to take your hands and them down her shirt and feel her breasts." Naru said.
Damn! She figured out my secret plan. Keitaro thought to himself.
"Hmm. . ." Su takes a look at the bottle of pills and goes on a long winded speech on what the pills are made out of.
"Uh, we need you to put the pills down her throat." Naru said.
"No problem." She says while trying to open the pill bottle.
"Hmm . . . Naru." Su says.
"What?" Naru asks while losing more of her patience.
"I don't know how to open this bottle."
"Ah, damn it! How can you know everything about the pills but can't open a little bottle."
"Uh, I don't know."
"Just forget about it. Hey how about those two over there." Naru says pointing to Haruka and Seta.
"They are talking to each other and Seta points at Naru while laughing to each other."
"I think they are laughing at your goofy hairstyle." Keitaro says to Naru.
"There is nothing wrong with my hairstyle." Naru replies.
"Well last time I checked. Antennas were exactly what I call the most popular hairstyle out there. It actually makes you look like an idiot." Kitsune says.
"Shut up, you smart ass."
"Well It looks like I will have to do it. Okay now hold still Motoko." Naru says as she moves in on Motoko.
"Somehow she gets an arm and a hand past her blade and shove two of those pills down her throat."
"Huh? What am I doing over here? Hello Naru. Why does everyone look so afraid of me?" Motoko asks obviously oblivious to what she has been doing all this time.
"You don't remember a thing! Are you serious?" Naru asks.
"Yes, I am. I don't remember a thing about what happened or why I am standing here right now." Motoko replies.
"Okay whatever. Hey guys, lets just get into the mecha tama attack vehicle, okay." Naru says.
They all walk into the mecha tama and take a seat.
"Okay guys, lets just get the fuck out of here." Naru says just before a beep is heard.
"Naru Narusewega has been fined one credit for violating the code of conduct." A voice is heard.
"What the hell is that sound coming from?" Naru asks.
A beep is heard and a voice comes on.
"Naru Narusewega has been fined one credit for violating the code of conduct."
"That is the newest addition to the mecha tama attack vehicle. It is designed to make for a more pleasant driving experience and our superior officers just loved the idea." Kentaro says.
"You know what I hate the most, Kentaro?" Naru asks.
"What?"
"Kiss ups just like you so you better be careful in case you were to have a little accident now. We wouldn't want that to happen now would we?"
" No, we wouldn't want that now, ha ha ha." Kentaro says while laughing nervously at what she just said.
"Well if you can hear me, I am not paying your stupid fines." Naru said.
"You better pay your fines or else." The machine says.
"Or else what?" Naru asks.
"Well . . . " The machine says before four mechanical arms come out and two of them hold her down while each of the other arms start to beat the shit out of her.
"Help!" Naru says.
"Let me help you Naru because I want to get grabbed and beaten up too." Kitsune says with sarcasm.
"Shut up smart ass." Naru says before the machine stops beating her up.
"Well thanks a lot, you . . . " Naru says to the machine followed by an almost endless stream of curse words.
"Well, so much for controlling my anger." Naru says with a smile on her face while picking up a small stack of fines.
"Well so where do we go from here?" Naru asks anybody who knows where to go next.