A/N: Once again, thank you all for the great reviews; they are my life blood. And a great big shout-out to E.P.O for reading my story and writing a kick-ass Silent Hill 4 parody. I demand that you read his story or I'll send Walter after you.
Walter: Like hell you will. -wields chainsaw at Hometown-
Important! I've noticed a few recent Silent Hill 2 parodies that are strikingly similar to mine. I realize that I may influence people but to use my ideas or descriptions without giving me any credit annoys me. Remember, every time you steal another's idea, Samael kills a kitten. Think of the kittens.
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James Scanderlund turned the corner, expecting to find Walter but instead has was greeted by a waiting Jackson Nurse. James unleashed an unholy shriek as he toppled over backward, his back ramming harshly against the wall behind him. James stood up straight and rubbed his stinging back. The disgusting Nurse monster approached him, a metal pipe clenched in its gloved fist. James quickly reached for his handgun, holding it out at arms' length before him. He pulled the trigger multiple times, wasting the last of his precious bullets. The nurse buckled and fell under the gunfire, its body writhing on the ground.
James delivered a crushing stomp to the head of the nurse, ceasing its spasm. James twitched uncomfortably. These nurses were oddly unnerving, and their creepy 'nurse background music' didn't help either.
Deciding to explore the area, James started to wander down the hall. His boot squished uncomfortably with each step, telling him that a piece of the nurse was stuck to his foot.
"Ah! How dare you soil my good shoes with your disgustingness!" James shouted at the dead nurse who obviously did not respond. He lifted his boot to check, and indeed there was some sort of monster mush stuck to his heel. James scraped his boot on the hospital wall, thick with disgust.
"James..."
James looked up at the sound of his name, yet no one was standing in the dark hallway before him. James slowly lowered his foot to the ground and stood against the wall, not wishing to expose his back to any unseen danger. It came again, this time clearer.
"James...? Where are you?"
The voice was very distinct in James's mind. Then it clicked into place; it was Marie's voice. James sunk to the floor, a hand on his faithful metal pipe.
"Marie? What the hell do you want with me!? WHY DO YOU TORMENT ME SO?!"
To James's complex relief, it was not Marie that rounded the corner; it was the ever faithful Maria. Maria placed her hands on her hips.
"My name is NOT Marie you idiot! I told it's MARIA!" Maria's tone indicated that she was hurt by James's wrong use of names; however she hid it with her pose and glaring stare, waiting for an apology.
"Geez, Maria. Don't have a cow." said James flatly as he stood up, oblivious to her need for an apology.
Maria narrowed her eyes, tears threatening to spill from them. Unable to hold it back, she sniffled.
James stared at her. "Come on, now what's wrong?!"
Maria sniffled harder. "I went and got an important key for you and you can't even say that you're sorry to me!" She held up a key in her hand.
James smirked. "Hey! That's great, give me the key."
"NO!" shouted Maria, clinging to the key defensively. "You're... you're a meanie!"
James glared in annoyance, and then spoke to her in the way someone would speak when trying to convince a small child to do something. "Come on, Maria. Don't be an idiot. We need to get out of here somehow."
Maria sniffed then stared at the key clenched within a death grip in her hand.
"Come on," coxed James, "Give me the key before I force it from you."
Maria shook her head violently then hurled the key at James. "FINE! TAKE YOUR STUPID KEY!" With that, she turned around and bolted down the hallway. She threw open a door and then closed it loudly behind her.
The keys struck James between the eyes and dropped to the floor with a clatter. James cursed and rubbed his forehead. "MARIA! YOU PANSY, GET BACK HERE!" He tore after her, leaving the key behind in the middle of the hall.
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Harry Mason left the nurse's office, closing the door silently after him.
"Maria? James?" He glanced around, not seeing either of them. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and sauntered down the hall. He turned a corner and noticed the key laying forgotten in the hall. Harry scooped up the key and examined it.
Engraved on the key was the word "ROOF". He smiled to himself, this was the not the first, but the second key he found here. The first he key he found in a drain, the word "ELEVATOR" carved in it. Harry considered leaving the roof key for a second before cramming it into his pocket and walking off, whistling the theme from Silent Hill.
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James bolted up the stairs in hot pursuit of Maria. He burst through the 3rd floor door and watched her disappear into the patient's wing. He stumbled over to the door that led to the patient's wing and tried to open it, only to find it locked by a padlock.
James yelled frustration. "WHY, GOD? WHY ME! WHY DOES CRAP LIKE THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!?"
The thundering voice of God echoed through the cavernous halls:
"There is just something about you that pisses me off."
James stood in disbelief. "Great, now I'm hearing things. And I'm talking to myself!" James turned around to find Harry walking towards him.
"Hi!" said Harry cheerfully.
James wanted nothing more than to drop dead of mysterious causes. "Hi Harry, what the hell do you want?"
Harry beamed. "You're James! I remembered you! Say, I've got something here that may be important." He dug through his pockets and retrieved the keys that he had so proudly found.
"Hey, it's the key!" James exclaimed. "And another key that is probably equally as important. Fork em' over."
Harry paused, looking from his keys to James. "Wait for just a minuet; have you seen a little girl? Short, black hair. Just turned seven last week."
James sighed. "No I haven't, and I probably never will. Now give me the keys."
Harry processed James's words over, unable to accept what he said. "Have you seen a little girl? Short-"
"JUST GIVE ME THE KEYS!" shouted James, beginning to lose his temper.
"Huh... Keys? What's going on with those keys?" said Harry stupidly.
James flung himself at Harry, grabbing a hold of his arm and attempting to pry the keys from his clenched fist.
"RAPE!" screamed Harry. "RAPE! RAAAPE!"
Harry tore away from James, frantic and screaming. He went through the double doors and into the patient's wing.
"You can't do that!" yelled James, "That door is locked!" James pulled furiously at the handle, and indeed the door was locked. James sunk to the floor in defeat.
"Pssst... James!"
James looked up to see Henry leaning around a corner.
"Hey Henry! You're here too!"
Henry nodded. "Yes, but I'm in the wrong hospital. Anyway, the combination to the door is "7339"."
James stood up, a stupid grin on his face. "Thanks! Wait a sec, how did you know?"
"Do not question me," replied Henry "For I am the great Receiver of Wisdom."
James snorted. "That title sounds pretty gay."
"Oh yeah?!" yelled Henry defensively. "Well your last name sounds like an STD!" Henry ran off before James could reply.
"...What's an STD?" James asked the air. He stood still for a quite a while trying to figure out what the letters could possibly stand for before he punched in the combination and skipped down the new hallway. And with his wonderful strain of luck almost all of the doors were locked or broken. When one finally did open, he found a nurse demon sitting on a blood-stained mattress, filing her nails.
James retched in terror. "Vile, disgusting Jackson nurse!" He whipped out his ever-so-handy plank-o-doom and waved it defensively before him. The nurse stared at James, a tear leaking from its scrunched face.
"I try so hard to make myself look pretty!" She said in a gritty, disgusting voice. "And this is the respect I get? I don't even know why I try!"
James stared, vaguely wondering if she was having a severe case of PMS.
"You can talk?" questioned James.
"Of course I can!" She replied, tears rolling down her distorted, bloody face. "And my name is not Jackson! It's Lisa! LISA!" She flung her nail file hard at the rusty tiled floor. "Nobody ever stops to talk to me! I used to be pretty! Nobody appreciates me! The other nurses laugh at me, and to top it off; Traffic-Cone Head dumped me last week and took off with two Mannequin Demon twins!" She sobbed pitifully into her gross fleshy hands.
James, who had not been paying attention, seemed rather entertained by the fact that this nurse can talk. Suddenly he remembered the keys Harry ran away with.
"Hey," said James, interrupting Lisa from her sobbing "Have you seen a grown man? Tall, brown hair; just turned 32 last month?"
Lisa nodded. "Yeah I saw him alright, a few years ago. That sick bastard ran off on me in my time of need! I was disturbed! I had just realized what it meant when Kaufmann said that he was the one who sired Alessa with Dahlia. THAT'S JUST SO SICK! Dahlia is like, 70 years old!"
James blinked in utter confusion. "Hold up a second, are these people important to the plot at all?"
"Kinda," Lisa replied, "But you don't really have worry about it. Lets go find the manifestation of- Oops! I mean, Maria." Lisa smiled to the best of her ability.
James raised a confused eyebrow. "Okie-dokie than, as long as you know where she is."
And so, James wandered down the hallway, following the disturbing nurse girl. Lisa paused in front of a door labeled S3.
"She's in here." Lisa pointed.
James grabbed a hold of the door handle and was amazed to find it unlocked. Triumphantly, he pushed the door open to find Maria lying on a hospital bed.
James walked over to her bedside while Lisa paused in the doorway.
"See," said Lisa "I knew where she was. I also know where Harry is-"
Maria screamed bloody murder at the sight of Lisa and bounded off of the bed. She slammed the door on Lisa with a sickening crunch; blood sprayed through the crack and stained her slutty clothes. James whipped open the door with horror, realizing that his easy path to Harry was in jeopardy.
Lisa lay in a bloody puddle on the floor, twitching spastically.
"Lisa!" shrieked James, "Speak to me!"
"Aye, it is but a scratch." Lisa replied groggily. "A plague! On both houses!"
"You're not making any sense!" James said urgently.
Lisa coughed horribly. "I...I know your secret James... I-It's not what you think... y-you... you don't know... I can tell y-you...."
James, oblivious to what Lisa was trying to spit out grabbed her shoulders and shook her.
"Lisa! Lisa! Where is Harry!? What are you talking about!?"
Lisa shuddered. "Tell... tell Walter that..."
"TELL WALTER WHAT!?" screamed James.
"That... I always thought ... he was sexy." And with that, our beloved yet incredibly disturbing beyond all belief nurse friend died.
"NOOOOOOO!!! WHY LISA WHHYYYY!?!?" James cried to the heavens above and fell to the floor, sobbing like an idiot.
After about two minutes of uncontrollable sobbing James stood back up, completely oblivious as to why he was crying in the first place. Confused, James turned to Maria who was staring back at him in terror.
"What just happened?" She asked, her eyes slowly zoning out.
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Maria whined about being tired and wanting to take some sort of pills. James suspected Valiums. And so, James ditched her in room S3, leaving her to 'rest and take her pills'. He decided that it would be more fun wandering around and killing random monsters without a NPC following him around and getting in the way.
James entered a stairway and walked to the very top. The door to the roof was locked, and James knew that Harry still had those presumably important keys. Furious, James bolted down the rotting staircase and almost tripped over a conveniently placed box of pistol bullets and a health drink. He picked up the items and stuffed them into his pocket which has the amazing ability to hold a 3 ft. plank, pipe, and a handgun without even causing a bulge in his army jacket.
Happy to be once again in possession of pistol bullets, James skipped down the hallway on his search for Harry.
"I'm so pretty! Oh so pretty! Pretty and witty and-"
James ceased his rather toneless singing as he turned a corner to find Harry poking a dead chupacabra/butterfly mange-infested dog.
James; knowing better than to converse with Harry over the matter of his prized keys, drew forth his trusted metal pipe and advanced slowly on the unsuspecting Harry's back. Before James had the chance to give Harry a tempting whack to the head, Harry turned around. James quickly hid the pipe behind his back and smiled quite possibly the most faking looking smile in the history of the world. Being stupid, Harry smiled back.
"Hi!" said Harry. "Have you seen a little-"
"Yes!" replied James, "Yes I have! And I will tell you where she is if you give me those nice keys."
Harry pulled the keys from his pocket. Lines formed on his forehead as he frowned at the keys. It looked as if debating the issue was rather painful for his small mental capacity. James decided to do something before Harry exploded.
"Look!" He shouted, "Something shiny!"
Harry's head shot up with wide eyes like a deer in headlights. "Where!?"
"Over there!" James pointed, "At the very end of the hallway!"
James quickly grabbed the keys from Harry's outstretched hand as he turned his head and strained his eyes to see the non-existent shiny thing. James took off cackling back towards the stairwell; having completed his conniving deed, James felt rather proud of himself.
He bolted up the stairs and paused before the rooftop door. He fumbled the keys in his hand and examined them. One said "ELEVATOR" and the other said "ROOF". James stood in front of the door, pondering vigorously over which key to use. Being the deductive genius that James is, he managed to use the correct key. James stepped out on to the rooftop; the crisp, cold air filling his lungs. James stared at the fog circling the roof which limited his vision to about seven feet. He noticed a cyan colored book lying on the cement floor. He began to walk over to it but was intercepted by someone very familiar.
"Hello James." said Seymour, venom in his voice.
James stared at the fruity man before him, a hand slowly reaching for his gun. "Salutations, Seymour."
The two stared each other down, both ready to kill the other when they were interrupted by the sound of metal scraping harshly on the pavement. James turned to see Traffic-Cone Head standing directly behind him, menacingly, dragging his big-ass butter knife of doom. James released a rather girlish squeal as he dove slowly out of the way.
Traffic-cone advanced slowly towards the confused Seymour and swung his butter knife of doom at him. Fortunately, Seymour was hit with the blunt end. However, there was enough force behind the blow to send him toppling over the side of roof. His last coherent word was "Shit!"
James quickly ran to the stairway door and pulled desperately at it; finding it somehow mysteriously locked, he ran to the elevator control room stationed on the roof and found it locked as well. James screamed and backed up against a chain-link fence. His back pressed against the fragile metal, all that separated him and the long fall through ghastly fog to the non-visible ground below.
Traffic-Cone approached James, ever-so-menacingly; the sound of his big-ass butter knife of doom scraping against the pavement was enough to drive anyone mad. James backed up against the fence as far as possible, begging madly for some magical force to save him. When nothing happened, he whipped out his handgun and shot relentlessly at the creepy creature, wasting his bullets again as this didn't even phase Traffic-Cone.
Traffic-Cone raised his butter-knife of doom over his head. James was sure that he was going to die. He screamed and nearly wet himself as he was thwacked by the dull end of the knife. Shocked from the heavy blow, James toppled backwards through the fragile metal that broke with his weight and out of sight into the fog.
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A/N: DUN-DUN-DUUUUN Cliffhanger!