Summary: Harry Potter summons a great beast to help him defeat the Dark Lord. Oneshot. Short short. Crackfic.
Disclaimer: Barney and the Harry Potter universe are not of my own design. I am merely borrowing it, and I assure you, no money is being made out of this.
Warnings: Capslocking ahead. Some people are annoyed by Caps Lock, but it's just part of the fic here. Enjoy! Oh, and this is a Crackfic. It's not meant to be taken seriously. Duh.
Can't We All Just Get Along?
"So we meet again, Harry Potter, for the nth time. Do say that you will let me kill you this time," Lord Voldemort said in a long drawl.
Harry managed a Snape-like sneer. "Yeah? Well too bad for you, because I was looking forward to kicking your arse."
"Ha! And how are you supposed to accomplish that!" the Dark Lord exclaimed.
Harry scoffed. "Easy. First of all, you only have, like, a seventh of a soul left in you, so you can't be all that powerful now. Second of all, I still have that fucking power that you don't know of."
"What fucking power that I don't know of?" Voldemort spat.
"Oh, you know. 'Power the Dark Lord knows not' and all that shit in the prophecy. I figured out what it meant."
"And what kind of power could you possibly have up your sleeves that can actually defeat me?" Voldemort asked in a mocking voice.
Harry snorted loudly. "Isn't it fucking obvious! Everyone has figured it out since first year! Heck, Dumbledore had it all figured out back in 1981, Halloween night!"
"Really now? And what, pray tell, is this power you speak of?"
Harry shrugged and said, "It's simple really. I have the ability to love."
At that moment, if the Dark Lord had any eyebrows, he would have raised one of them at Harry. Since he didn't, however, he simply settled for saying, albeit condescendingly, "Love? Don't tell me that you're actually going to love me, Harry Potter. Even you aren't capable of that, what with your temper tantrums and all."
"Oh don't worry. I'm not talking about me," Harry said with an evil smile on his lips, "I'm talking about this guy." With a wave of his wand, he non-verbally accioed something, or rather, someone, from some place far away.
Voldemort and Harry stood dumbly, waiting for the summoned object. A full five minutes of weight shifting, nail picking, and bored sighing later, it finally appeared.
"What the fuck is that!" Voldemort exclaimed as he gaped incredulously at the purple dinosaur mascot bouncing giddily at Harry's side.
"Oh, him?" Harry replied innocently, "He's from a muggle TV show, and I brought him here specifically to love you."
"WHAAAAT!"
"Oh come now," the dinosaur said, talking slowly, as if addressing a five-year-old, "There's no need for anyone to get angry, right kids?" He chuckled heartily.
Voldemort gaped at the offending purple dinosaur.
"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
The purple mascot laughed good-naturedly. "Me? I'm Barney!" Barney exclaimed, hopping from one foot to the other in excitement.
Harry sniggered. "Wait. It gets better. Watch this," he said in a low voice to Voldemort.
Turning to face Barney, Harry put on his best pout and whined, "Barney! He is an evil Dark Lord who killed my parents and wants to take over the world and wants to kill me, too, in the process! Is there any way we can resolve this without fighting?"
Barney looked from Voldemort to Harry and back again. "Fighting will not solve anything, kids. We have to learn how to love each other!"
Voldemort gritted his teeth at the offensive word.
"I know! How about I sing a song, and you sing along with me! Ready? And! I love you. You love me-"
"Shut up," Voldemort hissed.
"-We're a happy family-"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"
"-With a great big hug-"
"MERLIN! POTTER, HOW CAN YOU STAND THIS!"
Harry, who was obviously having trouble withstanding the power of Barney's love song, replied through clenched teeth, "Fuck! Do you think I'm enjoying this! Even I'm not that fucked up, you know! I'M DOING THIS FOR THE GOOD OF MANKIND!"
"-and a kiss from me to you-"
"A kiss! Is this bloody purple dinosaur on CRACK!"
"-won't you say you love me, too!"
"Oh, mother of Merlin, he is on crack!"
The purple dinosaur danced around Voldemort, pestering him endlessly.
"Sing with me, little boy! Remember, we should looooove people!"
"GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME, FREAK!"
"Awww… What you said wasn't nice. Not nice at all! I think we should give this little boy a hug!" Barney said, enthusiastically.
"WHA--? Fuck off! AVADA KEDAVRA!" Voldemort shrieked at the approaching mascot of love.
Apparently, the dinosaur costume was made of sterner stuff, for the supposedly unblockable killing curse merely bounced of the soft, huggable, plush material.
"Avada Kedavra! Avada Kedavra! Why the fuck won't you die!" Voldemort cried as Barney drew closer with big, purple arms wide open.
"No rage, now, little boy. Give Barney a huuuuuuug!"
"NOOOOOOOOO!"
Voldemort's scream of terror was muffled as his entire body was engulfed in a huge bear hug. For a moment, a flash of blinding white light erupted from the two as Barney's unconditional love burned through Voldemort's defences. When it finally receded, all that was left was a purple dinosaur hugging some empty robes.
Barney slowly turned around to face Harry.
"Well, it looks like my work here is done, unless, of course, you need a hug, too?"
"Oh, nononono! I'm fine, thank you. Full of loving and all. Haha," Harry said while hastily backing away from the mascot.
"Well, if you're sure, then I'll be going then."
"Right. Yeah. Thank you very much for your help," Harry said with a laugh.
"Okay. Good-bye, Harry Potter! It was a pleasure to meet you!"
And with a bounce and a twirl, the purple dinosaur disappeared from the pages of Magical History.
A/N: This was entered in a Crackfic challenge at hogwarts elite, and it placed third overall. I'm damn proud of it. ;P Critique on spelling and grammar are welcome. As for writing style, I'm already happy with the way it is, i.e., completely nonsensical. LOL Thanks for reading!