Title: Till We Meet Again

Disclaimer: Slash, language, violence, character death, sexual content, angst.

POV: Danny

Chapter Ten: Wanting to Forget

I rolled out of bed two days later, my mind blank to the events around me. I knew what today was and wanted to forget everything about the day, the plans that had been laid out. The sun shined into the room and made me angry. There shouldn't be any sun on a day that would be full of tears. It just didn't seem fair. There had been rain the last two days and now the sun decided to make an appearance. I wished for the millionth time that Martin could be here, that I could hold him close to me and whisper his name in the heat of passion. Like a drugged animal I climbed out of the bed and headed for the shower. Today was a horrible day. Today they buried Martin, today I had to say goodbye forever.

I stepped into the shower, letting the water run over my skin, trying to chase away the sleep that lingered. The memories of Martin dripping wet stabbed at my heart, nearly driving me to my knees. I placed a hand on the wall to steady myself, letting my head hang in the stream of hot water. Images ran through my mind like a movie on the big screen. Every minute that I spent with Martin played out like it had just happened. A few years worth of memories to remember for a lifetime.

An half hour later I managed to make it out of the apartment building. I didn't feel as though I could concentrate on driving, and knew full well that I shouldn't get behind the wheel. There was little over an hour before the funeral would start. Five taxis went by before one stopped. I climbed into the back seat, slamming the door shut. The man driving asked me where I wanted to go and gave his condolences when he learned the location. The driver asked me a few questions in his heavily accented voice but I paid him no attention. I tried watching the city pass by; instead all I could think of was traveling across the city with Martin in the passenger seat. I locked my eyes on my hands, which rested in my lap. The drive ended way too soon. I paid the man and stepped out of the cab. He drove away, eager to leave the cemetery behind. If only I could have gone with him.

The immaculately green lawn was dotted by the stray tree and gray headstones in varying shapes. Bits of color were thrown in by the flowers left behind by loved ones. Along the paved drive there were a lot of parked cars, including a hearse. The others were probably already here, wondering if I would show up or not. Why had I come here in the first place? I knew that this wouldn't be easy. I felt empty inside, numb to the world; like I'd never feel emotions again. And what was worse was that no one knew about my love for Martin or his love for me.

I began to slowly walk toward the crowd of people in the distance. All of them dressed in black and navy blue, shades reserved for just such occasions. As I got closer I saw Jack holding hands with Sam, Vivian was there with her husband and Elena found comfort by standing between the two couples. Martin's father stood a little off to one side, distancing himself from the others who had shown up. I found it hard to read the expression on his face. There were no tears, no outward signs of morning aside from his hanging head. They all ached inside for a friend they'd lost; they couldn't even begin to comprehend the pain that held me in its grasp.

I couldn't bring myself to join them. I stopped dead in my tracks, not wanting to find comfort in their company. The only comfort for me would be in the arms of Martin. Before anyone could see me I slid down beside another tombstone, leaning against it. I could overhear the others talking in hushed voices, my name was mentioned at least twice. Let them think I didn't show, let them think poorly of me, I didn't care. As far as I was concerned my world had ended days ago. The funeral progressed right on time. I heard every word that was sad, felt every tear that escaped my eyes, felt the pain tighten in my chest. I never once moved from my spot. After about an hour the funeral was done, Martin was officially gone.

Footsteps crept across the cut grass, heading in my direction. Jack's shoes came into my line of sight. I looked up at him. He shook his head in disbelief. Elena, Samantha, and Vivian came up behind him, anger and confusion visible in their eyes.

"What the hell are you doing, Danny?" Jack asked.

"Sitting here, what does it look like?" I remarked in an oddly joyful voice.

Jack held out his hand to help pull me to my feet. The ground swayed beneath my feet and I held onto Jack's shoulder to keep from toppling over.

"Are you okay?" Sam questioned with worry.

I did my best to smile. "Fine and dandy, Sammy, how's about you?"

"You don't look too good," Vivian stated. "Maybe you should go home, lay down or something."

"I don't want to lie down, I want to get back to work," I said, flashing another smile. "Come on guys; let's go catch some criminals and find missing people."

Jack never took his gaze off of me and never let go of my arm. It was clear to me that something was troubling him; perhaps he couldn't handle losing Martin. Maybe he just wanted to touch someone, someone alive and well. I didn't want him seeking comfort from me, it made me angry. I tried to pull my arm away, he tightened his grip.

"Can you guys give us a second?" Jack asked as much as he demanded of the others. They nodded and quietly strode away. I knew that they'd stay out of hearing but no way would they miss seeing what was about to happen. Once alone he turned his full attention back to me. "Something you want to tell me, Danny?"

"Nope, not a thing, Jack. Let's go to the office, do some good work for others," I said, trying once again to walk away from him.

Jack didn't loosen his grip at all. Instead he pulled me closer and began to pat down my pockets. What the hell was he doing? I kept trying to get away from him but things wouldn't work in my favor. A grim expression crossed his face as his hands found what they'd been looking for, and he finally let go of me, pulling the bottle from my pocket.

He waved it in the air, causing the amber liquid to slosh around. "You've been drinking again, Danny? Why would you give up years of sobriety? Do you know what this stuff does to you?"

I could see the others standing off in the distance, watching us intently. They'd seen the bottle in Jack's hand. "It drives away the pain, making my days bearable; maybe you should try it, Jack."

He shook his head. "I have no need for alcohol."

"How the hell can you stand here and act like nothing's wrong?" I yelled, letting my building anger out. If anyone should be drinking it should be you."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Martin's dead and it's your fault, Jack," I blamed. "You never listened to me. I told you he couldn't handle the damn case but you kept pushing. For some god damned reason you thought it would be a great idea to let him continue his work in the field. What the hell was going through your mind, Jack? You don't put a threatened agent in the line of fire! You killed Martin."

He shook his head in disbelief. "You're wrong, Danny, it's not my fault. I didn't pull the trigger to the gun that fired the bullet at Martin. I didn't kill him, and we'll get the guys that did this, just give it time."

"Time?" I uttered in surprise. "Time is all I have now that Martin's gone. Time is all I'm ever going to have. Time alone to think about how life was before you fucked it up"

"Danny, you're crying," Jack stated in an odd tone, tilting his head to the side slightly.

"He was my world, Jack, my whole damned world. Now he's gone and I don't want to live without him," I sobbed, falling into Jack. Taken by surprise it took him a few seconds to wrap his arms around me, trying to offer me some comfort. "He never wanted anyone to know and that never bothered me. I knew how he felt, that's all that mattered. How could this happen? How could my life fall apart so quickly?"

"I don't understand, Danny, what are you going on about?"

I pulled away from him, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. "We were lovers, Jack, lovers that enjoyed one another's company. Martin worried how the department would take finding out that we'd been sleeping together, so we never let on about it. I haven't spent a night at my apartment in weeks, maybe even months. I just wanted to be near Martin, I wanted to hold him close and never let him go." I resumed sitting against the tombstone, my legs numb from the pain in my heart. "I never wanted to lose him, Jack, and now he's gone forever."

Jack crouched down to look into my eyes. "I'm so sorry, Danny. But attempting to drink away your pain won't do you any good. How do you think Martin would feel, watching you fall back into old habits? You can't do this; you can't lose yourself to the grief."

"Nothing matters anymore, my world's already over," I sighed, the tears still flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks.

"We'll have to stop this, Danny. Instead of trying to drink it away, why not work it away? You could focus all your grief into finding the one who did pull the trigger."

I shook my head. "I don't care about that, I just want Martin back."

By now the others had returned to check on us, to make sure that everything was okay. Jack put a caring hand on my shoulder as they joined us on the ground. Surrounded by friends and so very alone. My heart was empty. I vowed never to smile again. And though Jack was right about attempting to drink my pain away, it was all I had left in this damned world. The only thing my hands would hold would be the bottles of alcohol I consumed to chase away the memories of Martin.