Chapter II
It had been almost three years since he had been on Coruscant. The sky was clear of clouds and surprisingly, there was little traffic on this day. He had just left his transport and had taken the first air taxi to the Jedi Temple.
He was still reeling from the pain and emptiness he felt, but what's more, he couldn't get the awful images of the lives he took out of his mind.
The battle of Malachor had been a long, brutal and devastating one, but in the end, the Republic triumphed with Kail as the General who led the fleet. He didn't feel he had triumphed in the slightest. Some part of him had forgotten why he had left to join the war in the first place, yet another part—the older part of him—remembered exactly why.
He had left her when she was asleep.
He had left her on her own the night they had professed their love for each other.
Kail could only hope that Atris had forgiven him, though he could scarcely believe that she ever could; not with the way he left, at least.
His eyes meandered across the spectacle of the open city. Silver and gold buildings rose high into the air, piercing the very clouds and ascending beyond until they reached a level where it was barely tolerable to breathe the air.
Kail could only sigh. He could feel nothing—not even the vibrancy of life on the planet. He couldn't even feel the presence of the dug cab driver who jabbered on about Coruscanti politics and the latest changes in the Mandalorian War. He looked out at the city, watching traffic zip past him. Before him stood a large five pillar structure that challenged even the tallest of structures on the planet.
The Jedi Temple, in all of its glory, had never been so terrifying to him.
He didn't know how she would react—he didn't even know how the rest of the Council would feel about the only Jedi who was about to return and seek forgiveness. Forgiveness? His mind pondered the very word, contemplating what it was that made him grimace at the thought of it. There was no forgiveness for his actions, and there certainly wouldn't be any penance for him granted by the Council.
Kail focused his thoughts on Atris. He left her alone and for three years, he hadn't written a single letter to her or sent her some sign that he was still alive.
The world around him continued to spin, leaving the misguided young man to ponder what fate he had left the woman he had loved to endure. So buried in his thoughts, Kail paid the driver and walked on the hard, ferrocrete surface of Coruscant, the capital of the Republic, ignoring the people that passed him by, and ignoring the touch of the sun's rays against his cool golden flesh.
He looked up at the bright shining star, tugging at his tunic. Clad in his age old Jedi robes, he clenched his jaw and took a step forward. It had been a long time since he had worn these robes. He felt it would only be fitting, as he once was a symbol of peace and justice. During the War, he was clad in armour, and now he was nothing more than a broken man.
There was even a time when he had shared the company of the Lady Revan herself.
It had been but one of the many times he had lost himself in fear. Revan had freely given herself to help him explore the depths of their humanity—or to find some way to break his will and bend it to hers.
Nothing more than a broken shell—bereft of his 'gift' as Revan had once called it, he was one of the few soldiers to return to the Republic, tired and aching for home. Kail, however, had no such place to call home. The Navy had offered him a position, but he politely declined. He wore the robes of a Jedi, not a fleet commander, though he found himself contemplating whether he should burn his bridges with the Order.
He quickly dismissed the idea: the pain had not gone away and it seemed that the Masters were the only ones capable of helping him. Kail held no thoughts that the Masters would actually help him, but some part of him seemed convinced that they might seek pity on him.
He quickly dismissed that idea too. There was only one real reason why he was back at the Temple: Atris. The dull throbbing pain continued to echo throughout his skull, forcing the man to pause for a moment and produce a small tube from his belt. Popping its lid, he downed the contents of it: several pills that would help ease the pain.
Sighing, he looked up before him, seeing rows of stairs that led up to a pyramid shaped structure that quickly branched out into a large pillar with four more pointing in the north, south, east and west directions. His heartbeat increased and his breathing became shallow and ragged: Kail had arrived at the Jedi Temple. Wringing his hands nervously, the young man made his way up the long, winding stairs, not sure why he had chosen to go to the Council.
His eyes watched the large statues on either side of him, signifying the greatest of Jedi that had fought for the Jedi. He knew that the Masters revered them and that these were figures who had given their very lives for the Republic and the Jedi Order.
He snorted, finding the irony in the iconic heroes' actions and the Jedi Order.
Finally passing the last step, he came towards a young Padawan, who quickly caught his attention. Bowing, Kail merely said, "I have returned home. I believe the Council may want to have a few words with me."
The Padawan nodded. "Yes, Master, come this way." Turning about, she led Kail through the hallways of the Jedi Order, taking the Knight into the depths of his fears and towards his destiny.
Nothing had changed in the Temple, and Kail couldn't help but find his old memories here. His eyes came to a wall where he and Atris used to spend time speaking of the Force and the differences between their Masters.
His heartbeat fluttered.
They passed the windowsill where he had been that fateful day, mulling over the decision to leave and join Revan and Malak in the war efforts. It was there that he had finally professed his love for Atris and eventually left.
His hand twitched.
They continued through the hallways until the Padawan paused at a familiar set of doors. "One of the Masters requested that you come here first," she said, answering the unasked question. "The Council will call on you shortly." Bowing, the Padawan left Kail to wonder who had decided to call on him before his supposed meeting.
Calming himself, using an old breathing exercise, he steeled himself and walked into the room. He looked shocked, seeing her sitting there, after all that time.
There were many changes, and one of them he noticed was that her long flowing hair was now tied in a bun and cut short. Her eyes had become ice cold and her regal face had become harder.
The only thing that hadn't changed was her robes.
Atris stood near her window, looking out at the world outside.
Kail hadn't said a single word. He looked at her with awe, sadness and he realized how much he missed her. He could feel a hollow pang within his heart, and there was a part of him—that age old part—that wanted to rush out with open arms and embrace her, feeling her warmth in his arms and to touch her skin. He could almost smell the very fragrance of her skin, and remember the taste of her lips.
The only problem was that the look in her eyes was one of complete and utter contempt. Her eyes flashed with something that faded as quickly as it appeared when she saw him. It was the same as what he felt.
He wanted to say something—he wanted to reach out and touch her, hold her and let her know that everything is all right and that he missed her, yet he knew he couldn't.
She loathed him and his very presence here. He didn't need the Force to tell him that.
He tried to open his mouth, yet all he could feel was the growing lump in his throat. He didn't have to say anything yet; Atris spoke up for him.
"I heard reports that you were dead," she said, picking a crystal sphere, watching the light bend and reflect into a mixed array of colours. "I heard that you were killed on Dxun, Serocco, and Eres III. I had even heard that the Mandalorians claimed your blood on one of the distant Iridonian colony worlds." She turned around, staring into his eyes. Her voice was hard, yet there was something that contained a trace of what appeared to be relief. "But," she continued, placing the sphere down and taking a seat, "I can see that they were all rumours."
He nodded, his hand scratching his chin. He could feel the stubble that had been there for a few days now.
"But I can see the changes in you, now, Kail." Her voice was heavy and filled with sadness. "You may have won the war, but at what cost?"
"A lot of innocents have been saved, Atris."
She looked at him sternly. "Perhaps, but you can still feel the pain, am I not right? You left to join the war hoping to abandon the pain but you only brought more of it. You gave in to your selfish needs and desires—you let me give in to mine!"
He took a step towards her. "I'm sorry, Atris, I really am. If you feel I left because of my own selfish needs, then I won't change your mind. I left because of you—I left to protect you. If only you knew what I do—you would have done the same." He could feel his ire grow, looking at her, knowing she couldn't possibly understand. "I told you: I love you. I would never have left you that night if it weren't for the Mandalorians burning an entire planet. The Force gave me a vision that night, Atris."
"It's Master Atris, Kail," she spat, "you would do well to remember that. Don't think to cheapen me with your lies—you left me in my moment of weakness! How can you even have a vision in the Force? There were very few who could do that and not even you are powerful enough to have had one."
He took a step forward, his anger beginning to grow. He could feel the dull, throbbing pain begin to subside—his need to make her believe him beginning to grow with every moment he grew angry. "Listen to me, Atris; I didn't leave you because I wanted to. You are the only reason why I am back."
She stood up, looking at him with an icy gaze. "The day you left was the day you threw away our friendship and anything and everything I ever held for you."
Taking a step back, he shut his eyes closed. The lump was growing and the anger was subsiding, giving way to the pain that was growing. Deep inside him, he could feel his heart aching all the more. "Are you so ready and willing to throw away what we had, Atris?"
She shook her head. "I wasn't the one foolish enough to run away. You threw it away, Kail. You have no one to blame but yourself."
"I can see it was a mistake to have come back here at all," he snorted. "I should have known you would have left me out to burn like this. Nothing is good enough in the eyes of 'Atris the Pure,' am I right?" He took a step towards Atris, his voiced filled with pain. "Well, some things may have changed with me, but I can see the changes in you. You're not as forgiving as you once were. You don't seem as Jedi-like as you once were."
She looked at him, her eyes narrowed.
"Looks like I'm done here. I'll always love you, Atris, just remember that." Turning about, he walked out of the door, leaving Atris to her own devices.
Before he left, however, she cried out, "you will find your punishment fitting. You'll always be alone, Kail—remember that very well. You'll have plenty of time to contemplate your gift and the error of your ways."
Kail chose to say nothing, and continued walking, swallowing the thick lump in his throat.
For some time he continued to walk through the hallways, the natural sunlight beginning to fade quickly. His eyes shot up and he saw dark clouds moving in quickly, covering the rays of the sun.
He looked back at the door to Atris' room and then looked away. He walked away. There was only one place in the Temple that he would go to.
Standing by the window sill, he watched the rain fall for ages, peppering the people on the ground and the vehicles in the air.
Some things never change, he mused, watching the pristine buildings become drab and soulless structures. He sighed—it was all he could do. Everything had, in fact, changed: Atris had become a Master and was scarred from his leaving, the Jedi looked down upon him with shame and arrogance and most of all, he could feel the world's cry burning away at his very soul.
He could sense nothing around him. He couldn't close his eyes and feel the currents of the Force.
Kail had been blinded by doing the very thing that the Council had wished against him and there was nothing he could do about it. Atris had been right: he had no one to blame but himself.
Sighing, the broken man was left to contemplate the reason why he returned. Atris had cast him out of her life and despised him and yet, he could feel something else. He knew she would never love him again. He could see it in her eyes—the anger had taken control of her life. While he ascended to the rank of General of an army in the Republic, she had ascended to Jedi Master, becoming an icon of symbol and peace for all of the younger generations.
While Kail fought and put his life on the line for countless generations to come, Atris and the Order had prospered.
He clenched his fist, grinding his teeth and growling as he looked out at the darkening world.
He had fought all of this for nothing—the lives of hundreds of thousands lay burdened on his shoulders; their cries and screams of horror forever ringing in his ears. They were there every moment he closed his eyes, every second he wasn't preoccupied.
Kail had become his own demon and yet, he was irked by the level of growth the Jedi Order had sustained during the war. Narrowing his eyes, he looked at his lightsaber and back at the dark clouds.
Revan was right, he mused. I should have left to join them—there is no place here for me, whether or not it was meant to be. He lowered his head, sighing in weariness and for once, he could feel himself alone and cold in a cruel world.
He allowed himself a tear to drop, shortly before the footsteps of a young Padawan echoed into his ears.
"Master?" She asked him. It was the same young girl.
"Yes?" He asked, looking out at the burgeoning clouds.
"The Masters are ready to see you."
He inhaled deeply, calming himself before he turned to see the young girl.
Her face was round, her skin porcelain and her eyes soft brown, matching her chestnut coloured hair.
"What is your name, Padawan?"
She appeared apprehensive at first, not quite sure if she should tell him.
He allowed himself a small smile. The Jedi teachings were at least pointed in the right direction.
After another moment, she finally answered, "I'm Padawan Shan."
Kail bowed. "Very well, Padawan Shan, lead me to the Council."