Sandy's barely holding on. Meanwhile, Kirsten writes a letter to Ryan from rehab, before she learns of the shooting and surrounding drama. There are things she needs to explain. But a shattered Ryan knows everything has changed …

Disclaimer: The OC Universe, with all its assorted characters, belongs to Josh Schwartz, et. al. No copyright or trademark infringement is intended, nor is any money being made.

A/N: This is for those of you who haven't forgotten a certain lost and shattered boy who thinks he's 'nobody'… Welcome back to my AU.

This chapter is the beginning of our finale – the good news is that it's all been written – 40+ pages, including these I'm posting – but I'm still reviewing, tweaking, and doing final editing. I'll post the sections as I've finished – probably in 3 to 4 more pieces over the next two weeks.

A/N 2: As always, all mistakes are mine.

Time: Picks up immediately at the end of Chapter 11, early afternoon of Day 5

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"But Sandy, I'm… I'm nobody"

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Unimaginable.

This kid?

This exposed?

Sandy was stunned.

He could almost smell the words – the acrid, poisoned fallout from years of neglect, abuse, and abandonment. He cursed the boy's abysmal upbringing, recognizing ever more clearly the extent of the scars Ryan concealed.

And then he cursed himself, because as much as he'd like to hold the Atwoods wholly responsible for this child's suffering, he knew he couldn't. He'd allowed Ryan's scars to stay hidden – even unconsciously encouraged the boy to hide them – ever since the kid's arrival in Newport. The agonizing truth was that the Cohens' inattentiveness, their reluctance to confront Ryan's past, and their own life-altering mistakes had battered the boy's psyche, too.

He drew in a deep breath, buying another second or two to think. Although the teenager's crushing self-assessment couldn't be more wrong, they needed to avoid triggering further self-doubt. They'd have to find a balance between acknowledging the boy's honestly held feelings and persuading him to consider a very different truth.

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Kirsten stared fixedly at Ryan's lowered head, not realizing she'd forgotten to breathe until her lungs started to burn. She drew in deep breaths as she blinked back the tears that gathered in her eyes. She couldn't risk Ryan looking up, seeing her heartbreak, and confusing it with pity.

He'd hate that.

She felt Sandy's attention veer to her, the feeling tangible and intense.

Turning, she met his eyes, just like she'd known she would. He didn't have to speak to assure her he saw what she saw – that he understood what they had to do.

She tilted her head as she whispered, "You or me?"

He silently touched his chest, and she nodded her assent. She mouthed the words "I'm here" before turning her attention back to the silent teen.

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Ryan could feel his palms sweating and his heart thumping inside his chest. Why on earth had he said those words out loud? He squeezed his eyes shut, wishing that he could disappear.

He waited for one or both of his guardians to speak, telling him he was wrong, or crazy, or both, because really, what else could they say? He'd sounded so damned pathetic they'd have to disagree just because they were too nice not to.

"Ryan?" Sandy's voice was low.

Ryan froze, dreading being told how fucked up his thinking was. They'd mean well – he knew that. But he also knew that they'd be wrong.

He kept his head down, not wanting to see their expressions.

Sandy spoke again, "I hear what you just said, okay? That you see yourself as 'nobody'. I'd like to know why you think that's true. Can we talk about that?"

Ryan blinked, as he processed Sandy's request. He lifted his head just enough to peer up at Sandy through his eyelashes, surprised to see no trace of pity or reproach on the man's face.

Screwing up his courage, he forced himself to speak, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean…" He stopped, as his voice failed him. He swallowed hard, and tried again, "Can we please just forget I said… that I said anything? Okay?"

"Sorry, kid. I need to make sure I understand what was behind those words."

Ryan groaned. He recognized that tone – the kind one that still meant business. Drawing his legs into his chest, he wrapped his arms around his shins and buried his face into his knees. He knew he was hiding like a little kid, but he couldn't help himself.

Sandy spoke again, "I get that you don't want to talk about it, Ryan. It's just…"

Sandy's words ran together, as Ryan tried to tune them out. But he knew Sandy would just keep talking, because that's what the man did. Which meant there was only one way out of this conversation…

Abruptly, he propelled himself to his feet, the sudden movement causing a sharp shaft of pain to rip through his torso. He sucked in his breath and doubled over, clutching at his side.

"Careful, kid." Sandy scrambled to his feet, too.

As he struggled to breathe, Kirsten reached him, touching his arms lightly while bending down level with his face.

"Honey, are you okay?" Kirsten asked, one hand moving to the side Ryan still clasped. She straightened as Ryan straightened, her eyes glued to his face.

"Um-hmm," he hissed softly, even though it still hurt like hell.

Moving her hand to his back, Kirsten started drawing little circles with her fingertips. He closed his eyes for a long second, before biting his lip and blinking. He could feel the pain dissolving, receding to a dull ache as she continued to comfort him.

"Better?" she asked, after he had started breathing more normally.

"It's okay now," Ryan offered, feeling a little embarrassed that he'd reacted to pain like such a baby, and even more embarrassed at how good it felt to receive her attention. What was he, anyway? Seventeen going on five?

"Sure?" Kirsten asked, her eyebrows knitting together as she continued to watch him anxiously.

He nodded, relieved to see her face relax into a small smile. He managed a small smile of his own as he said quietly, "Thanks, Kirsten."

Her smile deepened as she stepped back from him, "Always, Ryan. Chapter Two of the Mother Manual, sweetie."

He ducked his head, thinking Dawn had used another manual…

"Ryan?"

Sandy's voice took him off-guard; causing him to quickly refocus on what had driven him to his feet in the first place. Unlike Kirsten, Sandy wasn't exactly offering comfort right now. He wanted words – explanations and admissions and who knew what else.

Ryan rapidly scanned the rocks, searching for the most expedient route back down to the beach. Surprisingly, Sandy had backed off a few feet, establishing a small distance between them. That was good – with any luck, he should be able to get past his guardian, even if his bruised body slowed him down a little.

"Ryan?" Sandy was using his parental voice again. "You need to be careful with those ribs, okay?"

As if he didn't know that. He knew how it worked: make stupid moves; pay a price. Say something stupid; pay a different type of price. Given the choice right now, he'd take the aching ribs.

He met Sandy's eyes for a moment, willing him to back off. When Sandy didn't react, Ryan countered, "What I really need? Is to end this conversation."

"Ryan, wait!" Sandy's voice rose as Ryan kicked himself into gear.

Ignoring the command, he darted as quickly as he dared across the boulders. He sensed Sandy's sudden movement, but was still shocked to feel the man's fingers seize his arm before he could make good on his escape.

Ingrained reflexes surged to the surface, telling him to strike out, or twist away, but this was Sandy, and he could only freeze in place. Eyes wide, Ryan locked in on the man's face, staring at him in disbelief.

He could feel his guardian's fingers digging into his bicep, burning his skin, holding him captive. His heart seemed to jump wildly inside his chest, in stark contrast to lungs which suddenly refused to move at all.

"Sandy!" Kirsten's voice was a sharp blend of surprise and reproach. Ryan saw her eyes flick across his face before they settled pointedly on Sandy.

To his vast relief, Sandy loosened his grip immediately, dropping his hand and backing up a step, "Sorry, kid. It's just… running away's not the answer. We've been running away from this conversation for almost two years – it's way past due, Ryan."

Freed, Ryan stood breathing erratically for several seconds, listening to Sandy's justification and trying to collect his thoughts. He saw the long look that passed between his foster-parents, and the nod Kirsten gave Sandy when they finally broke eye contact.

Sandy's eyes quickly sought his, their message echoed by his words, "Look, Ryan, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have grabbed you like that – I didn't mean to set off your alarms."

Ryan closed his eyes, analyzing how he'd reacted. What had he been thinking, anyway? He'd just gone into panic mode with Sandy Cohen.

His foster father spoke again, "You know I'd never hurt you, right?"

He opened his eyes and nodded, but the troubled look Sandy wore prompted him to duck his head and add softly, "I know."

"Never, kid."

The sincerity evident in the man's voice made Ryan look up. He nodded again, before responding truthfully, "I know, Sandy."

The corners of Sandy's lips tugged up into small but grateful smile, as the man reached out to cup Ryan's neck. "Good."

Ryan sucked his lips inside his teeth, maintaining eye contact as long as his could before ducking once again. Thankfully, Sandy released him before his self-control completely waned.

Not so thankfully, Sandy pressed, "We really need to talk about why you feel like you do, Ryan."

Kirsten moved slightly, coaxing, "Ryan, I think we can help. At least start a dialogue…"

He looked up to see her staring at him, head tilted as she fingered her rings.

Damn. She would ask.

Ryan's mouth twisted as he stared down at his feet, wrapping his arms around his midriff.

Kirsten picked her way across the rocks to Ryan's side, placing her hands on his arm, "Will you trust us, sweetie? Please?"

Ryan closed his eyes, continuing his silence. He could feel her fingers warm and soft against his skin. Slowly, he sensed his resistance starting to whither.

How did she do that to him? What was it about her touch?

Sandy reached out to squeeze Ryan's shoulder, as he added his own "What do you say, kid?"

They let their hands fall as Ryan unwound his arms. Uncertainly, he wiped his palms on his scrubs before forcing himself to look up at his guardians, first at Sandy, and then at Kirsten.

"If we just drop this, I'll do whatever you ask. Go wherever you send me without any resistance, I promise. Okay?" He looked at them hopefully, surprised to see the startled look that passed between them.

Kirsten shook her head. "Where we send you? What do you mean?"

He swallowed, tugging nervously at his watchband, "Isn't that what happens next? I mean, it's the formula, right? I've agreed to get help, and now you send me away? Not like here – I get that…" His voice died, as he let himself think about where he might be headed. Assuming for the moment that didn't involve incarceration, which Sandy seemed to think was now unlikely.

He felt Sandy's hand squeeze his shoulder, as the man's eyes found his own. "You think we plan to send you away to a clinic?"

He felt his face flush as he realized how presumptuous he must have sounded. "Of course not," he quickly assured them. "I'm guessing something more like some sort of boot camp, maybe. For teenagers who…" He hesitated, before saying the words, "Who act like me."

Kirsten dropped her hands, as her eyes widened in horror. "Ryan! Boot camp?"

Her eyebrows drew together and her lower jaw dropped open as she shook her head. "Listen to me, sweetie. I want you to forget about anything like that, okay? I can't imagine anyone who needs 'tough love' less than you do."

She raised one hand to touch his face, her eyes softening. "We want you closer than ever, honey. Nurtured and secure inside our home. Inside our family. With Sandy and Seth for right now. And I'll be home as soon as I can, too. Do you understand? As for getting help, honey – we'll find a therapist nearby that we can work with on an outpatient basis – someone we all feel good about. That's what we meant when we talked about therapy before."

He dropped his eyes, as what she was saying registered. He could still feel her fingers against his cheek.

"Ryan?" her tone was soft but insistent.

He didn't trust his voice, so he nodded slightly. When he felt her fingers fall away, he glanced at her. Her head was tilted, and her eyes were scanning his face. She rewarded his eye contact with a pleased smile.

Sandy squeezed his shoulder, cajoling, "So, what do you say, kid? You've trusted us this far, and that's huge, Ryan. All I'm asking is another few steps… Is that possible?"

Groaning, Ryan turned on one heel, breaking the physical contact with his foster father. His back to both his guardians, he took a few steps toward the ocean, moving to an adjacent boulder. He stood there, half expecting Sandy to come after him again.

He stared hard toward the horizon, where sea and sky blended together in a steel blue blur. After a long moment he glanced sideways, noting gratefully that Sandy hadn't moved.

Sighing, he finally spoke, "Look, if… if I could come anywhere close to explaining, it'd just dredge up the kind of stuff that always makes you guys … uncomfortable."

Sandy nodded, his voice guarded, "I'm sorry we've made it hard for you to confide in us, kid. That's something we want to change, Ryan. Starting now."

Ryan struggled to stay composed as he offered softly, "I'm not… it's just… the 'whys' you want answered? Aren't so clear."

"So what if I take a shot at some of the 'whys'? See if I might understand some of the factors that play a role in how you see yourself right now?" Sandy raised his eyebrows, waiting.

Ryan frowned, "Just to be clear – what happens if I say 'no'?"

Sandy's lips curled up as he gave a tiny shrug. "Depends. Would your 'no' be because you'd rather answer for yourself?"

Ryan said nothing, until the ensuing silence prompted him to respond, "Sorry. I just… I thought that last question was rhetorical."

Nodding, Sandy grinned, "Understandable. So, let's just pretend it was, which means I'm gonna' give this a go. The thing is, I need you to guide me if I get off track, okay?"

Ryan shrugged. Let Sandy read that however he chose.

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tbc

AN 3: Reviews greatly appreciated…