Name: Pussycat
Author: Muthru
Genre: humor, parody, romance, slash, mystery, adventure, angst, mpreg etc, etc.
Rating: pg-13 - NC 17
Pairing: HP/TR, HP/DM, HP/CW, HP/some random Hufflepuff, HP/SS, SS/LM, SS/RL, RL/SB, SB/JP, GW/NL, SF/DT, HG/RW, LM/TR, TR/some random beach-boy
Summary: Vodemort wakes up with blond hair. Harry gets a dangerous loveletter. The Death Eaters are playing with thongs. Draco has a Gryffindor to kill and another one to woo. What is going on? Is it the end of the world? Or is it a master plan of Dumbledore´s? And who/what the hell is Pussycat?
Part 1. Bastard
It was a sunny Monday morning. Birds were singing, butterflies flying and Muggles waisting oxygen in the street. Voldemort called it Hell. He didn't want to get up from his fluffy warm bed. No, not today. He had a bad feeling that something Evil might happen. He had had it the moment he opened his red eyes for the first time around 05.00 am.
But eventually his alarm-clock (Winnie-the-Pooh) started to buzz. There was no reason to stay in his safe bed anymore. So, warily he stood up, slipped his bunnyslippers on and marched to his black tiled bathroom. Humming some old muggle song (Yesterday--) he had heard years ago, he started to get ready for the day. It didn't do to appear with bed-hair to the Death Eaters. You never knew what kind of rumours those bastards spread. Like the time he had heard Lucius being an eunuch. He had of course confronted Malfoy and inquired if the rumour was true and how it was with young Draco.
Lets just say they didn't have any eye contact for two weeks after The Talk. And the funny part was, Lucius saw it necessary to prove the fact that his burrito worked just fine. And the not so funny part was that the escapede cost Voldemort's already thin wallet a new dining-table. He just didn't feel comfortable looking at the old one anymore. You wouldn´t either if you kept seeing Lucius pouting Snape's arse like a wild horse in heat on top of it. (Well, okay, some of us would probably fight for it.)
Well, that was an image you didn't want on your mind this early in the morning. Quite stimulating. But there was no time for a stiffy now. Noup. He would just have to take a cold shower to ease his pain. And maybe wash his hair with this new peach shampoo--. His HAIR?
"WHAT THE BLOODY FUCKING HELL IS THIS STRAW COMING FROM MY HEAD?" Voldemort screeched, bulling his hair.
"Wormtail!" was the command bellowed.
While waiting Peter's arrival, he started to really look at it. He spinned around a couple of times. Tied it to a ponytail, braid and two piggytails. Stood in front of his ventilator and played Titanic and just before Wormtail rushed in, tasted it.
"Me Lord. How may I serve you on this wonderful morning? Some innocent muggle blood maybe?" the plump man asked, playing with his fingers, eyes cast down to the floor.
"You idiot! You know I don't do that until after I´ve had a cup of strong tea into my system… Now make yourself useful for once and tell me if I look cute with the piggytails or if should I go with the J.Lo look," Voldy said innocently, combing his new improved hair.
Peter glanced up.
"Eeeeep!" came Peter's answer before he hit the floor. Voldy just stared at the limp man for a while but then absorbed back to his Care-of-New-Hair, humming a new, more popular muggle song (Oops, I did it again--).
"Are you sure these are his, Malfoy?" Avery inquired as he poked the garment on the table in front of him and a dozen of other Death Eaters watched him do it. They had all gathered around the said garment, ogling and touching it.
"Of course I am sure it's his. I haven't and never will doubt my son. It was fine work from him if I may say so myself," the Malfoy patriarch said, his face expressionless. And that was the closest his son or anyone would get as a praise. Take it or leave it. Period.
"I have to agree with that, Lucius. Your son is indeed developing into a very special young man," Voldemort said as he glided into the room. Lucius whose back was to the Dark Lord, smirked to his fellow Death Eaters but wrinkled his eyebrows in confusion as the others gasped in surprise, their eyes almost popping out of their holes.
"Oh my," Bella chirped and developed a nice Weasley red blush. She went all shy and girly and Lucius didn't know whether he should be scared or horrified.
"Do you like my new hair Bella?" the Dark Lord purred. Purred, Lucius thought franticly as he turned to see what could possibly make Bella weak on her knees.
With his mouth hitting the floor, he openly stared at Voldy. Well not Voldy per say, but the man's new hair. There was only one thing whirling in his mind as he watched his Lord do a couple of spins for them all to see it. Kill the bastard! Kill HIM! Oh yeah, he was jealous, mark my word. There hadn't been and never should be anyone with a hair like his and now this. It couldn't be. It had to be a wig, yes that was it.
And with those crazy thoughts in mind, Lucius, without a warning, leaped on top of his Master and started to rip the wig off.
"Arrrrrgggg, somebody get that bloody Blond away from me! You fucking man-ho, get your over manicured hands off of my hair!" Voldy screamed but Lucius was too far gone in his Shalalala-land to hear his Master's 'discomfort'.
"Striptosa," Bella shouted and did a stupid looking wand movement. Yeah, it was idiotic and she would pay dearly for it later but who could blame her, she had now an eyeful of two firm arses.
"Aaaaiiiiiieee, someone save me! The Boy Who Lived, where the hell are you when we need you?" Voldy cried as he tried to save his hair from the savage who, at the moment, was biting his ankle.
"Slinky!" Bella called and few moments later a house elf was standing next to her.
"What can Slinky do for Mr. Bella...I means Mrs. Bella?" Slinky asked, his ears swaying.
"Get me some popcorn, a camera and a bottle of whipped cream!" she ordered hurskly, at the same time watching the hot wrestling that was going on on the persian rug.
"10 galleons that they will do it," Sergay said, starting a bettingpool.
"20 galleons our Lord will whip his porcelain arse to China and back with a couple of Cruciatus," Severus replied as he walked past the group to get some cookies from the kitchen.