"So…ah…how was your time with Donna yesterday?" mush raised his eyebrows at me as we shuffled down 18th street to school.
I rubbed my eyes wearily. My problems hadn't disappeared yesterday afternoon; they had only faded away for a time.
"Pretty damn good, I'd say."
I shrugged my shoulders.
Mush's smile broadened, "hey its just like the song…ah from that musical…ah Hair. Oh once upon a looking for Donna time there was a 16 year old non-virgin, oh Donna…"
Mush continued on in his attempt to keep a tune, piercing the brisk march air with his shit-heap singing voice.
Across the street Kayla was walking parallel to us. I called her over, hoping she wasn't too lost in her music to hear me.
"Have you seen, my 16 year old tattooed woman, heard the story she got busted for her beauty…" mush's voice suddenly cracked as he went up high.
"Shut the fuck up, mush, it's too early." I muttered under my breath, rubbing my eyes wearily.
But mush paid no heed.
" …And I'm gonna love her, make love to her till the sky goes brown. I'm evolving, I'm evolving, through the drugs that you…" he pretended to hump the air, dropping his school bag on the ground as he did so.
Without realizing it I began to clobber him, every punch more fulfilling then the last.
"Get the fuck off me, skits!" mush squealed, trying to throw me off of his back.
Though I held fast (it felt too good to let go.)
Finally he was able to get me off. Blushing, he began to straighten out his rumpled Grateful Dead jacket (mush was part of the late generation of dead heads.)
"Real smooth skits." He mumbled, swinging his discarded backpack over his shoulder once more and beginning to walk down 9th avenue to school.
I grinned broadly.
Kayla skipped over to us, dodging several honking cars as she crossed the middle of the road.
I was extremely jealous of the fact that she could have so much energy at 7:30 in the morning. I mean it was fucking 7:30 AM and she was able to skip. I could hardly fucking walk and she was skipping!
Our gang had all stopped bothering to come in late to school by the 8th grade (wasn't great on the report card and mum nearly hided me when she saw my attendance record,) so instead of showing up 15 minutes after the bell rang, you could usually find us smoking outside school 15 minutes before the bell rang. Nothing like killing your lungs in the early hours, eh.
Mush, Kayla and I sauntered lazily over to the brownstone stoop across the street from our school, cigarette packs already in hand.
"So what you guys wearin' for the talent show tonight?" Kayla squinted her eyes through the early morning sun, reaching out her hand for the pack of ciggies.
I shrugged (not because I didn't know, I just didn't feel like talking.)
Mush shrugged as well but went on to answer her question anyway "I dunno. We were talking bout being all brit punk and shit but…I dunno now. Maybe just straight-leg jeans and flannel shirts. Plain black tees."
We really hadn't given very much thought to our outfits. I certainly hadn't, not with spot and me fighting for lead up until yesterday (sucker heh heh.)
Blink had been set on totally decking ourselves out in punk rock clothes and British flags. When he had told us his idea, cowboy had simply responded, "you're a fucked up poser, you know that blink?"
Punk idea; out.
Spot then said he thought maybe we should be all garage-y since the song was in fact a garage-y song. This idea wasn't that bad. It wasn't poser cause it was original but it wasn't so original that it turned our band new wave, and since none of us wanted to be the dreaded new wave and I'm sure as hell none of us wanted to be poser, I liked the idea (although it came from spot's mouth.)
Kayla nodded understandably and began to puff away on the cigarette.
"That was pretty nice of spot to let you have lead." Mush said dryly to me as he sat down on the stoop of the brownstone, his cigarette loosely clamped between his lips.
I nodded though didn't say a word.
How was it that everyone in our gang had a soft side except me? Even spot and blink could be gracious and understanding sometimes but I couldn't. Maybe I didn't talk enough to be nice but still… it made me feel real guilty and shameful and shitty at times. Made me feel like the group was doing me a favor by letting me hang with them. Probably were. I mean what did I contribute to our gang besides guitar and a sarcastic comment every once and a while. I wasn't funny; in fact I was a real bitch. And I fucking hated talking to all them.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Kayla turn up the volume on her Walkman and as a result, both me and mush were able to hear the music blasting through her headphones. Led zeppelin.
I sunk back against the railing of the brownstone steps and closed my eyes, listening to the filtered music, strumming the cords on an imaginary guitar as the song played out.
Mush started to tap his foot to the drums and gave me a jaded smile. A smile that could usually be seen on cowboy's face but perhaps, this early in the morning, even mush could get away with tired glee.
As usual, I wasn't smiling. I could hardly curse at 7:30 a.m., only a fucking fool would expect me to be able to smile. Instead I was sporting a weary, passive expression, my eyes shadowed and showing no emotion.
I looked down at my hands, still strumming the guitar, my gaze traveling down my brown pants, all the way down my leg to my green vans.
They were giving me a headache. All the color was penetrating my skull, twisting my brain. The green was violating my space; I could feel the green, touching my skin and clinging to my flesh. The headache turned into a migraine and the more I looked down at my shoes, the more sickened I became. I had never had a problem with green before. I hated yellow and blue, but green had always been a safe color for me to wear, I had always felt comfortable in it but… right then… I felt violated. Like it was touching me too closely. A sudden insecurity and panic spread throughout my body. It wouldn't go away.
I broke out into a light sweat as I stared down at my green and white shoes, feeling Kayla and mush's eyes watching me with curiosity and awe.
Hastily I peeled off my black hoodie and threw it over my shoes roughly, hiding the green from my sight; leaving me in brown jeans, a gray shirt and black covered sneakers.
I sighed with relief as the anxiety went away and was replaced with a warm feeling of comfort.
I looked up at mush and Kayla's faces; they were both staring at me in pessimistic awe, both of their mouths slightly a gape.
I blushed before shrugging and taking out my music, jamming the headphones over my ears and turning the volume up incredibly loud, trying to block out what had just happened from my thoughts for fear of the anxiety coming back.
I kept turning the music up louder and louder.
Sitting on that stoop, I wanted to play that music so fucking loud, that time would go backwards, back to early this morning and I could put on different sneakers and I would never have to feel that horrible anxiety and vulnerability again, not even when I got up at 8:00 and took the hoodie off my shoes to go into school.
I wanted to sink into that music, become whatever the hell was playing. Get lost in the guitar and never find my way out again. Never again have to look down at the green-ness of my shoes.
Hoped you all liked the chapter. it wasnt as angsty lolz as the other two but the next chapter most likly will be.
once again thank you mush n' marbles for reveiwing! and flannel grrr but you dont count lolz (i love you fanny teehee)
Everyone else: REVEIW!