hyo dudes! sry it took me so long to update but i have really good exscuses that have nothing to do with my social life (haha thats a first). yaaa so this chappie was orginally really giganrtically hugely long like 30 pages. so i figuered i'd spare you the huge read and brake it up into two chappies cause it was seriously HUGE! so good news the next one will be up really really soon
wait do you guyses like long chappies over short? i asked molly and she likes short but shes like a ravidreader andcan read at like 100 words a second. i like alot of shorts but idk what everyone else likes...
DAILY EXSCUSES:
I dont have any! this is a magic moment! hehe
I could feel Sheena's warm thigh pressed against mine as we sat on my great emerald sofa in my living room, watching Jonathan Reese Myers fuck Ewen McGregor. I could feel the tension in her body slowly wane as the awkwardness of the movie and its many guy on guy make out scenes began to diminish and both of us got used to…um the uniqueness of the film.
Suddenly Sheena chuckled loudly and squinted her eyes at the movie then un-squinted them. She squinted them again then moved forward a bit on the couch, moved back a bit and cocked her head to one side. I watched her in indifference as she continued to squint and un-squint her peepers.
Finally she sat back on the couch once more, her shoulder brushing against mine and announced loudly "oh man! Wow he looks a ton like Kurt Cobain!"
She turned towards me and smiled broadly before prompting a "well he does, doesn't he?"
I would have answered 'no' had she given me enough time to speak.
She went on "with the hair, and the eyes, and the sexiness…ya know…?" her voice trailed off on this last sentence and I gave her a look of 'what the hell are you talking about'…except a lot less frank.
I had learned two mayor things about Sheena since I had met her last week; she had a different personality for every day and she also possessed a weird obsession with Kurt Cobain. The really funny thing is I didn't realize this obsession until like our third day together; I just thought it was a coincidence that every single conversation some how ended up tangled in his roots or directly about him. Cause seriously, He would somehow come up in every other discussion! Then again I shouldn't be talking cause my whole black thing came up a lot too but still…my obsession isn't a person…at least I think its not.
Another funny thing about it is, I didn't mind. For a while Kayla was obsessed with Sid Vicious and let me tell you that pissed the hell out of me. Not only was he a fucking poser and couldn't play base for shit, he was a drugged up fucker who killed his whore-ish girlfriend for kicks. Kurt Cobain wasn't much better -drugged up expressionist who married a whore-ish wife and killed himself to get away from her- but he sure as hell wasn't a poser. Sheena likin…obsessing over him seemed almost taboo…like she had found something in him we all had missed. I kinda envied her for having found such a person…like the physiologic connection she was convinced both she and Kurt possessed. I mean, I had my blackness…but it wasn't stable or reliable or anything like that. From blackness comes everything, from blackness comes nothing. There was nothing to stand on, nothing solid.
As these revelations came upon me late last Thursday, I began to seek out my own messiah. I couldn't find one. Finally after much coaxing, the next day Sheena had advised me to share Kurt Cobain with her. I tried though it didn't feel right. The skin didn't fit. But I didn't tell that to Sheena.
The day before she had convinced Tommy, my guitar teacher, to teach both of us all of MTV unplugged; Nirvana and he had willingly obliged, dumbfounded by her knowledge of music and goggle-eyed by her boobs and ass.
Later that night he had called me and asked for her number and if I thought she would 'do it like their friends' with him. I told him she already had a boyfriend and they were going steady; Tommy's the type of dude who would actually call her and ask her to have sex with him.
I could hear him mutter a couple 'oh, my fuckin' luck''s on the other end of the line as his hopes stooped, "hey, ask her anyway though…and phrase it like that too, the 'do it like we're friends' line."
I knew what he was talking about but Sheena wouldn't.
"Sorry man, I'm pretty sure she's never seen Velvet Goldmine."
I could here his spirits rise on the other end, "you lucky fuck! Man, tarts get really turned on by that movie. Fuck, watch it with her, all right?"
So naturally, there I was, watching Velvet Goldmine with Sheena by my side.
I could tell she was liking it but I wouldn't go as far as saying it turned her on. It was a good movie with good music and a good cast. The sexual elements were enlightening and modest, only adding to the plot of the story instead of becoming something of their very own like in Girl Next Door and all those other saintly movies that give small assholes wet dreams every night.
"Well I think he looks like him. Oh, such angst holds he, such tortures emit from his derisory soul! Oh! What a melancholy existence is he! Oh!"
"And his partner, yes, that Brian Slade character. What can be said for him! Is he not just as abused as the former of which you have praised?"
"I have praised nothing!" Sheena dismissed with a sharp nod of her head, "nor has my approval been sent out towards this Kurt Cobain impersonator…"
"Ah, ah, ah" I protested, "the latter has yet to be proved! Did you not hear me object to your claim on the Kurt Cobain resemblance?"
"But it is spoken for, am I correct?"
"Aye you are…" I trailed off, not sure of how to keep the conversation going.
Sheena had out intelected me…I mean it was nothing new…and she hadn't even out intelected me, she had merely out socialized me…again nothing new.
We held these little intellectual battles quite often, breaking our punk dialect and going on in Middle English. They were usually the result of hearing a fun sophisticated word or Sheena just being in a 'lousy mood' (which she was in a lot, I might add.)
I didn't mind. It was sort of fun actually…made me feel smart and shit…better then spot and cowboy and those fuckers. That was what I kept telling my self at least, that I'm smarter than the grand fuck masters. I'm not. I know I'm not. I know a tart who is smarter then them, that's true. But as for me, I'm just good at playing along.
Finally I came up with a spark of an idea to ignite our dwindling conversation.
"I suppose, my fair lady gay, we could conclude this quarrel with the statement that you are a sucker for the tortured souls?"
A rush of pride overcame me as I realized what I had just said. That I had been so bold as to re-kindle an exchange and propose such an idea at that!
Sheena smiled coquettishly.
"Are you suggesting I am a sucker for you? Or! Or, or, or that you want me to suck your balls?" she prompted amiably, stretching her legs out on my lap and leaning back against the jade throw pillows that sat on the sofa's arm.
Fuck, I was stuck and very much wishing I could take back that suggestion I had been so fucking proud of 5 seconds ago; how the hell was I supposed to answer both of those questions without either insulting Sheena or coming across as the pervert I am?
Although Sheena really wasn't good with people -and she had not been lying when she had told me this on our second day in starbucks- she seemed to sense my nervous state and continued in her rebuttal against my measly attempt to flirt with her.
"For both ideas are utterly absurd! I'd be laughed at and mocked if the other swans heard."
"Hey doll face, you're no swan. Don't flatter yourself."
Yet again seconds after saying this, I wished for the words to spring back into my mouth. Thankfully Sheena took no offense.
"Ah, tell it to the ass!"
She flipped over onto her belly and shook her butt a bit, slapping it as she did so before turning back around and hiding it from view. She had on the usual school uniform, which, if it hadn't reminded me of some Coach or Prada product, I would have liked (it ended a bit higher then her knee and I was constantly getting glimpses of her scrumptious upper thigh.)
"Eh, you're distracting my movie watching enjoyment with that thing of yours!" I reached under her and squeezed her ass playfully.
What was a movie to Sheena's lovely ass! Especially when this particular movie increased the awkwardness that our relationship already possessed by a ca-jillion; we had know each other for a week and here she was lying on top of me…well sorta. It was weird though… that…you know…I had full ass privileges already and every time I thought about it, it made me feel as if I were doing something I shouldn't be. But of course you gotta take into account both of our personalities. I mean, Shit, this is Sheena we're talking about, anything can happen…like seriously anything. Though I can't give her all the credit. It's also both of our 'situations' and the fact that we had seen each other everyday after school since last Tuesday. Not to mention she had a knack for creating awkward situations and then weaseling her way out of them immediately after their creation, leaving me there to pine away in embarrassment.
"Sorry, sorry. I don't know what came over me," she stated calmly in a Canadian/Vermonter accent that she could actually pull off fairly well.
"Well you should be," I muttered cynically before sending a flirtatious smile over to her, my eyes glinting with mischief.
She drew her eyes away from the TV and glanced over at my facial expression, which much have looked pretty fucking ridicules for she sniggered affably.
"You're distracting me!" she cried out before returning both the smirk and the glint.
My mum didn't know about Sheena. No one knew about Sheena for that matter…besides Tommy at least. This had worried me some the first couple days…it was possible I was just dreaming her up; I mean I had done it before. It wasn't even like Tommy was any secure evidence to her existence cause he was so fucking high half the time I saw him, if you told him big foot was gonna sit in on a lesson he would have muttered an ok and later ask for his autograph.
Over come by either my insanity for doubting her existence or my insanity for dreaming it up, I asked Sheena about it when we met that Sunday, not even caring how fucked up I must sound.
"That's a good question," she pondered, bringing her hand up to the light as if to test her own density, "I've been wondering that for a while now my self."
I nodded attentively.
"Hmmm…" she went on, bringing her hand back into her lap, "oooh! I know, what's something I wouldn't be able to do if I was only in your mind."
"If you were in my mind you'd say yes if I asked you for a blowjob…" I probed hopefully though the expression on Sheena's face held no assurance.
"No, Skittery I will not give you a blow job. And my alter ego, be she in your mind or real, wont either…in case you were wondering."
"Oh shucks," I sighed pretending to be deeply disappointed.
I was deeply disappointed.
"Wait but that doesn't answer my question then. Cause if neither of you will then wait…what I'm confused noooo!" I cried melodramatically.
"So am I? Hmmmm…well I don't care if I'm real or not, do you?" before I could answer her question she answered it for me, "And you don't care then what does it matter!" she proclaimed, downing the last of her beer and throwing the empty paper cup at her wall where it lay neatly on top of a pile of clothes.
I actually did care if she was real or not cause it would certainly say something about my mind, but I didn't protest to her conclusion on this vital matter. I would soon be able to convince my self that I didn't care any who so whatever. That black veil was always close by…if it really became a problem…the veil would go up…simple as that.
Sadly, this method of passiveness was no guarantee and lasted for about a day or two before giving way to the will of my fucked up mind.
Another downer was that school always seemed to be the Bermuda triangle in terms of my passiveness. In school my veil would go all wiry and it seemed the longer I stayed, the less it wanted to hide me. The less hidden I was, the more unhappy I became.
I mean, sure the first day of a barren social life had been great (I guess) but the second day was shittier, and the next day was even more shitty and the day after that incredibly shitty.
The cuts on my arms began to increase and I abandoned my massacred upper limbs and moved on to my legs and ankles. Everyday, the razor would somehow appear in my hand and I would cut… again…and again…and again. I couldn't help it! It just over powered me…once I cut on one ankle I needed to fell the lovable pain on my other. And I would abide! I would let it rule me! Just like everyone else did in school, the pain became my master.
Ya see, when I had killed all relations in lab I hadn't realized that I had completely separated myself from the community and although these were my initial intentions, I didn't want it any more. Without friends its like you don't exist and everyone has free rights to walk all over you. And walk all over me they did! To the popular pricks, I wasn't entwined in the lab social scene so what was the point of being nice to me. It wasn't gonna them any more popular, was it? What would they get out of it? Nothing. And to everyone else I was like a meal ticket. Take all your anger and stress out on skits or kick around his backpack after class. To them it was like I was just a walking corpse; I was at their disposal. Cause hell I wasn't a person (or else I would have friends), so they could fucking soak me and it wouldn't matter! I wasn't even like I was by like I had originally wanted…cause every time I was alone I could feel people's eyes following me every fucking where I went. And although these eyes may contradict with me being dead, they don't. Cause the eyes did nothing. They would watch me come and go, making me feel self conscious even though no one really cared about whether I was lonely or not. I was surrounded by self-created loneliness.
And if I hadn't realized this the second day of my certified antisocial life, I had sure as hell reached this conclusion by the next. It was official; at school I had become the invisible man and however many times I tired to shove this realization of my cellophane like state under the black veil, it never fit.
And then I would get really depressed. Depressed like I had never been before… just a deep, dank hole of depression where I was forced to search madly in the dark for something solid. I felt as if I were on the monkey bars and my fingers were slowly starting to slip. I kept reassuring myself that the next hour would be better, after school things would be better, today's lunch period would be better but it never was and thus all I could do was watch helplessly as figures moved in slow motion around me and I held on by a pinky to what I knew would hold. Namely Sheena.
My mum also didn't know that I had severed my connections with the fuckers, especially Kayla whom she had been very fond of.
Two years ago she had cried when I told her that we had broken up. The fact that I hadn't talked to her in over a week wouldn't make her too happy. When we did brake up, she had called Kayla's mum and they had wailed together about how fucked up me and Kayla were for dumping each other. I guess our relationship had somehow helped my mum put behind her and my dad's relationship or something like that. Proof that love can be trusted and not all lovers leave each other 'in the Pines' as states the Lead Belly song.
Our breaking it off had been pretty mutual (between me and Kayla that is) which is ironic since I still really don't know what went down at all. I really dunno; something with commitments and shit. I had just nodded to everything she had said, agreeing with only half my heart but not knowing it at the time. She had said we were both jealous people with addictive personalities, which meant we both liked drugs and sex a bit more then we should have. I had nodded yet again, sub-consciously convincing myself that I agreed entirely. I mean, fuck she was right and I did agree with her… our personalities were so similar that it was dangerous and it was also true that we were both jealous.
Later I realized that these things didn't really matter all that much and all I really cared about was Kayla. Its funny how words can trick you and your emotions into doing something that you really don't want to do. Everything she was saying was correct and I agreed with but that didn't mean I agreed with her decision to end our relationship. So I had sat there nodding, not able or willing to deny anything that was coming out of her mouth. Only after did I realize that we were over and somehow we had become fuck buddies.
My shrink knew about my social situation. Somehow he always asked the right questions that actually made me want to spill my guts while my mum seemed to always prod the damn sore spots, which caused me to recoil into my blackness once more.
She had, in fact, called my shrink that fateful morning after my 'black attack'- her name for whatever the fuck had happened- and while he approached my blackness with an understanding tone, my mum stated flat out the next night that if I ever dyed my hair again she would shave it all off when I was sleeping.
I had laughed at her before telling her to go fuck herself.
Of course this didn't go over well and I was then denied my Walkman for a week.
How can she fucking take away my Walkman! It's like my goddamn life support during high school hell! How dare she fucking take it away! Of course I can't complain that much cause Tommy had lent me his the next day and it cost bout 50$ more then mine so…fuck mum for that.
My shrink didn't know about the cuts though. I mean yeah, I had cut before but no one but Kayla knew about it and I wasn't about to go telling him (my shrink that is) bout my 'condition'. What the fuck am I talking about! Cutting's not a goddamn condition it's a state of mind. I had considered telling him cause I was starting to get a little worried about the whole thing… I kinda chickened out when the time came. I dunno…maybe I just wont tell him at all…
haha wasnt that horribly terrifying! its actually quite short now that its in two. hmmm... well R/R as always and please tell me your side on the whole short long chappie deal.
Oh yeah to all who were confused, the last chappie was in prudences perspective (sorta late lolz). i need to update that chappie with that info in there cause ya, it was confusing.
Ozmandius(agh im not gonna bother looking how to spell that lolz): hehe hyo doody! hehe i heart you too! ummmm hmmmm oooh did you read that thing i sent you the newsies advice thing! it was so funny hehe! this is pointless cause im gonna be seeing you manana.hehe im watching europtrip right now (sigh cooper is so hott!)
marbles & mush: hehe im glad you can relate hehe! that means i can relate with you too cause i relate well...yeah haha! oooh hehe your reveiw made me all giddy inside. hehe! oooh it makes me happy just thinking that someone out there is like paint it black (which is alot of my high school lolz)
madamebutterfly: yaaa it was prudence sry para la confusion hehe. imk glad you you likey haha!
rustie: awwww your reveiws always make me so happy! smiles gleefully ya im a bit hard on my self but w/e lolz i need a confidence booster like a caffeen booster but cofidence style lolz. hehe i like pru alot to, shes really real i guess shes based off like a certain person and not alot of people. haha yaa idk what im gonna do with jack, he's such a player (hehe). id like to think someone like jack would like someone like pru but idk lolz. OOOOOOHHH could we kick corrina and maggie down the stairs together hehe! that would be ultra satifying right now! ooooh im glad you like it ! and your reveiws make me feel so bubly inside! hehe
R/R!