agh the stupid bar thing wouldnt show up but w/e this looks better haha.

well hello again my ravid readers! remember me? the iresponisble author of paint it black who should have updated 3 months ago. i hope none of you lost intrest when i went dark. i know many of you are away now aswell but im updating all the same.

im not going to list any exscuses because i do not have the energy and there are far to many. but i do hope you will read, enjoy and reveiw for good RP.

I walked into an empty apartment. No mum. No mica. Nobody at all but me.

No mum meant no hell raising questions. And no hell raising questions meant that nothing would fuck up my kissing Sheena.

I strolled over to the fridge door and took a swig of a two-day-old beer before beginning to walk down the hallway towards my room; sure Sheena had to use the bathroom but what was the rush if my mum wasn't there. Hell, she could even come up if she wanted to.

Half way down the hall I was back at the fridge for another sip. I tried walking to my room once more. A quarter ways down the hall I went back to the kitchen, grabbed the beer and continued to mosey on down to my room. Upturning my black school bag onto the floor, I began to stuff it with masses of black cloth. Black Melvin's shirt. Black boxers. Black and red flannel. Black cords. Black toothbrush (a couple days earlier I had sharpied it black after a panic attack. Even still I could taste the teal green in my mouth, fucking rotting my teeth away.)

As I packed I began to muse; why wasn't my mum there any who? Hah maybe her boss found out she wasn't a fucking orthodox. Or what if she's just late. Aww holy fuck no, no, no. She's gonna run into Sheena. Calm down all right? I tried to pull myself together. How the hell she gonna know that I know Sheena? Huh? Nah, nah my mum's smart though. She'll put two and two together. She'll see Sheena, a crazy ass teenage punk downstairs and she'll think 'this looks like a friend of Michael's' and then she'll come up and she'll ask 'is that a friend of yours downstairs'…and I'll say no. No, I don't know her.

I took a deep breath trying to regain myself and not slip to far down that goddamn hole of terror. Everything was fine. I was making a mountain out of a mole hill- agh I hate that expression. But what happens when you're an ant and everything looks like mountains. Where's your perspective then, huh? Sheena was my perspective. Sheena wasn't…well she doesn't have whatever the hell I have. Her mind was...alright. She doesn't freak about every tiny itsie bitsy thing. She was my perspective. This was no biggie. I would go down stairs…calmly…and me and Sheena would just keep walking to her house.

Fuck, I'm crazy. I looked down at my shaking arms, my gaze traveling on up to the beer bottle, tightly grasped in my hand like a fucking tension ball. I took a long, long swig before storing the rest back in the fridge and heading out the door.

Fuck, I really am going insane.

"Glad to see the creature didn't eat you alive…or dead."

"Yeah the monster wasn't even there yet…guess she hasn't gotten out of work…"

I paused for a second, feeling I had to say something more. After all I had just denied Sheena potty privileges and for no reason. She was suffering in vain…Sheena…the girl I was gonna kiss. Agh, shudder. I searched my mind for something to say. Cept I couldn't think of anything. I mean…I never had to...Sheena always did…and she didn't really have to either cause she was always talking…she never let there be an awkward moment. I began to freak; but if I say something now she'll know its awkward cause neither of us has said anything for a while. She'll know I'm just trying to get rid of the awkwardness and trying to get rid of the awkwardness isn't…I dunno…well its fucked up.

I glanced over at Sheena who was quietly humming something to her self…maybe Sonic Youth...sounded like Sonic Youth. Did she find this awkward? Probably not...I mean she was singing and sorta in her own world. But singing could also be her way to ease the tension…maybe.

Finally, I couldn't take it.

"Hey, you ever think bout getting a tattoo?"

Agh bullshit! Fucking bullshit, man and she would know it. I could care less if she thought about getting a tattoo once. Don't you hate that? When you ask something or say something that's complete bullshit but you cant really do anything about it. Like…when you meet a girls folks and you have to say 'nice to meet you' and 'I hope to see you around.' It's all fucking bullshit and you know it but you gotta say it anyway. It really pisses me off sometimes.

"Yeah of course…I mean…everyone does at some point."

Sheena had put on her intellectual tone, something she whipped out every once and a blue moon. Her intellectual tone wasn't even all that smart or shit. It just made sense. Sheena never made sense.

"Yeah, I guess." I muttered, shifting my bag onto my other shoulder as we walked up 34th street heading for the subway.

Not only was it a bullshit question but it had gotten a goddamn bullshit answer too. Aw fucking great, a bullshit conversation.

"Hey, ya wanna get one?"

Horay! Maybe it wouldn't end up being totally bullshit conversation. Maybe it would turn out to be an excellent conversation that decided a fucking awesome fate such as a tattoo.

"Yes!" I cried, trying desperately to sound as collected as possible, "oh man, yes! Yes, yes, yes!"

"Really!" Sheena began to squeal her high-pitched squeal, the squeal she squealed whenever she was scheming. Suddenly the squeal began to fade away and die, leaving an eerie tingle in the air, like when you use a capo on a depressing song, "wait…noooo! Wait, wait, wait…don't you have to be 18…or some fucked up age like that?"

Slowly my smile began to fade as well as if just seeing her smile disappear made mine wanna hide too. But it didn't want to hide…well…I mean it didn't have to. Yeah you had to be 18 to get a goddamn tattoo, but what the hell…we could be 18 if we fucking wanted to…fuck, I thought Sheena was 20 when I first saw her…and people always thought I was older then I actually am.

"Fuck, we are 18!" I smiled flirtingly "matter o' fact I was 21 a couple of months ago when I needed to buy a shit load of beer but then I lost my…21…year-old-ness…I guess when I 'ahem' misplaced my wallet."

Sheena breathed in a dramatic breath, her eyes growing wider and wider. Suddenly the breath stopped and an outrageously big grin appeared. This happened sometimes with Sheena. Naturally she's a pretty…hyper person so whenever there's any reason to be hyper she just starts smiling like an idiot. I can almost picture the excitement bubbling inside her when this happens; like a big cauldron of red sticky liquid and when it reaches a certain temperature, her body shuts down and all she can do is smile. I like thinking about it like that. Slowly the red gunk began to cool down and Sheena regained the use of her voice and legs.

We kept walking.

"Oooh man. Can we scheme tonight, please! Arg grrr acsh yes! Tonight, my unconventional conventionist, we toast! Haha sorry, I was in the moment…ummmm…" I watched her mind retrace its steps, "ah yes, tonight we will plan our tattoos."

Now me, when I'm beastly exited, I don't do much. I guess Sheena knows that. I goddamn hope she does. I always feel like if I'm too happy about something it'll somehow get fucked up no matter how favorable the odds are. Cause that's what happens. Things get fucked up. I connected with my dad and he got fucked up. Me and Kayla were going on 3 years and we got fucked. I guess it's like if you make something into such a big deal you're bound to be disappointed…but that's a fucking awful trick your mind plays on you by doing that. Kinda makes you scared to be happy, doesn't it? Like, by being happy you're only securing a miserable future. I hate the way that works.

Sheena seemed to have forgotten her full bladder so we made sure not to rush back to her house.

She hated her house. I didn't like it much either (someone was always home) but she really hated. She called it 'the double G' which I'm pretty sure stood for 'goddamn ghetto' even though the thing was huge and she practically had her own floor. It was part of a town house, ya see, and when her mom remarried after a divorce it was like combining super forces. RICH ASS INHERRITANCE WOMAN AND LAWYER MILLIONARE MAN…UNIGHT! Anyway they bought the two floors under them, built some stairs and walah…their Richie Rich lair was complete. Basically the 'lower level' was for sheena, her brother and their stepbrother while the upper floor was for the parents, her sister and her stepsister. The third floor was for the kitchen and all that shit. Besides, her brother was always at a girl's house and her step...people I guess were at their mum's mostly so Sheena really had the whole floor to herself any who. Ghetto my ass but whatever.

Anyway we stayed in the park for a bit. Smoked a pack so I guess you couldn't really call it 'a bit'. The park was pretty empty, it was fucking goddamn cold out for April and it looked like it was going to rain. The sky was murky and aging like a woolen coat that's been hidden in the closet too long. Looking up at it wiped the smile off your face. A couple of guys and a girl were snorting under the bridge, sitting very serenely in a circle. They looked almost painted…their shadows outlined by the afternoon sun.

"This is depressing." Sheena sighed loudly, flicking her ashes onto her skirt.

That was sexy.

"What is?" I murmured quietly, closing my eyes and inhaling a deep stale breath. We had been sitting on that fucking park bench for almost an hour and I really didn't feel like smoking anymore.

I pulled my feet into a ball and curled up in the blackness of my jeans. I wasn't sad or anything it just felt really nice at the moment. Sheena continued to stare at the group under the bridge.

"Them." She stated flatly, bringing the cigarette up to her lips.

She was good at saying things flatly. Somehow whatever she said was always dramatic even when it had absolutely no emotion. Fuck, I wish I knew how to do that…ya know…like be interesting and shit but without sounding completely gay. Sometimes, by accident, I would say something to Kayla and I wouldn't sound so goddamn passive in the slightest. It was sorta like a once in a blue moon type of thing but I liked it…ya know…being normal and all…it made me feel like I wasn't dead like Rita kept on telling me I was.

I closed my eyes again.

I felt dead. Maybe I am dead.

"Mama Sheena, I don't feel so good." I grumbled, peeking out from my black veil and opening one eye to see her reaction.

"Head, heart or body?" I ignored her question. One, because it was none of the above and two, because it was all of the above.

"I'm not, like…dead or anything right?"

I closed my eyes again and rested my head on my knees. My senses weren't working. My nose felt raw and numb, everything sounded muffled. A huge knot developed in my throat and it refused to be swallowed. Sheena didn't say anything. I felt a hand on my forehead and shuddered as is it combed my hair. Sheena scooched closer. I could feel her scooch closer.

The hair on my arms prickled as a steady gust blew our way; I heard Sheena's hat fall off the bench. It was getting late. Even though my eyes were closed I knew it was. I began to wonder if they slept under that bridge, the coke fiends. Or maybe they shared an apartment all together, a junkie haven. Does the girl have her own bed… probably not? They probably all took turns with her…probably pregnant with some STD by now. They looked about 20…25. Maybe they weren't even there anymore. I opened my eyes. They were still there.

"Fucking depressing. This whole…picture…this whole hour… shit, I feel awful." I muttered hoarsely, leaning my head against Sheena's shoulder. She continued to stroke my hair. I was glad. It felt nice. Made me feel a little less dead.

"We're depressing."

I didn't say anything…I didn't know what to say so I didn't say anything. That's the only social skill I can manage; not talking when there is nothing to be said.

"We can go…somewhere else if you want…not necessarily to mi casa but I dunno…somewhere more humane and animal friendly." Her normal exuberance slowly climbed back into her voice as she hauled herself out of her submissive pothole.

I shrugged. I knew she didn't want to go back home…not until she had to.

I looked up at the junkies again. I could tell they were running low cause of their faces. It always shows in peoples faces, that's just how fucking bad coke is. It's so…embedded in your mind, your need for it, that it takes full control of you…like water and food…like you can tell when someone needs food cause they've got that hungry look on them…these kids looked just as hungry. Theirs eyes darted back and forth from the little mat in the center of their group and the guy who was currently snorting their wonderland. He had blonde hair and when he finally straightened himself out, wiping his nose and that whole fucking shebang, you could tell he was or used to be a really good looking kid. Fuck I hate coke. It's the goddamn stupidest shit in the world. I remember once last year, blink came in boasting about the dealer he was dating and how she had 'supplied' him. And, man, I socked him. We were in the middle of math class but I didn't give a damn, I punched him as hard as I could in the stomach. Probably should've gone to the hospital (I'm pretty sure I did some damage to his ribs and all) but I think he was too goddamn scared the doc. would find out about his little adventure. Fucking idiots, all those crack heads. Cause one bad batch and your dead or worse you become like half dead and go around shitting in your pants and hurling all over the place. Like…I know its hypocritical for me to be saying all this cause I've done everything but meth which I'm scared shitless to even touch…but heroin and coke…that stuff fucks you over.

Anyway, the guy saw me staring and started looking me over; my head on Sheena's shoulder, my knees drawn to my chest, her skirt hitched way up high on her legs. A dopey smile spread all over his face. He was really pretty, like a beautiful looking guy, ya know…almost doll like… even if he was dirty and looked as if she had never slept in his lifetime. He blew a kiss my way and I managed to wink back so that he wouldn't think I was some fucking prude who was going to go ring up the cops.

I closed my eyes again and took the longest drag imaginable on my forgotten ciggie. Sheena had her arm around my neck and was slowly tracing figures on my chest with a slender finger but I had sorta forgotten about it. That happens a lot with her and Kayla too actually. I felt sorta dizzy and my eyes were all foggy. The knot had made it down my throat but was now stuck in my chest. I wanted to punch it out…I felt like maybe if I hit my chest hard enough the knot would come loose and be gone.

"Man, if I ain't dead I sure as hell am dying."

"Ugh your so very emo skits, and simply a joy to be with" Sheena slapped my knee playfully.

I know she didn't like where we were… I know I sure as hell didn't…which I guess gave us a good reason to get the fuck out of there. But I dunno… I felt bad making her go back to her house just cause I couldn't stomach reality.

"Fuck your emo too."

Sheena laughed dazedly, stretching out her arms and legs and letting out a short grown. "Fine we're both emo…but…I like to think of it as just more aware."

"Holy fuck, your emo…"

"Skittery dearest we just went over this…I am emo…you are emo…we do not like emo music but we are, in fact, emo. And I know this is hard for you to hear but you have just got to come to terms with it."

Fuck yeah it was hard to hear. I hated emo kids! I mean mostly just their music but I still hated them! And I knew I was emo I simply didn't like to admit it cause you know the less you talk about something the less real you make it. After a while you can just convince yourself it's all in your mind. Like when I found my dad looking at porn. After a while I just convinced myself it was ya know…just all in my head or I had dreamed it all up. If I had told someone I wouldn't have been able to convince myself. When I didn't talk about my emo-ness after a while I thought that it was just me and to the rest of the world I was normal. But I guess if Sheena was right there with me in that dark land of the emo people it was all right. I mean it wasn't all right cause I was fucking emo, but it would be okay.

"Hey lets get outa here…makes me wanna slit my wrists."

I could care less about how my voice sounded. One of the kids under the bridge had passed out on the girls lap and the blonde one was masturbating, groaning and moaning and all that shit.

"Agh!" Sheena bit her lip, looking around anxiously as she mulled over my proposition for the last time, "fine."

She ran her hand through her hair and, finding a cigarette I had put behind her ear while she wasn't paying attention, put her hand out for my lighter. I gave it to her roughly. Picking up my bag and hers, I tipped my hat to the druggies- who blew a kiss absentmindedly- and got the hell out of that park.

im trying to kick the habit of my one liner, pessimistic enders though know that it is implied.

i hope to post again fairly soon though dont count on it. only know that i would never dream of stopping paint it black so even if i only post a chapter a year, i will not drop this story.

please reveiw for my self confidence is on a decadent spiral