Sorry for the long wait – no excuses, just real life being hectic. It took me awhile to feel happy with this chapter, so I'd be really interested in your thoughts. It's a bit longer than usual so I hope that goes someway towards making up for the long wait!
It was sensations he became aware of first; the dry raspiness at the back of his throat, the stiffness of the skin on his face, which felt as if it had been pulled tight and pinned behind his ears. And then less pleasant sensations, sharp pricking pains in his hands and arms. It felt unnervingly as though something was crawling beneath his skin and he couldn't stop it. He cried out, tried to shift position.
'It's alright Jesse, everything's going to be okay' a voice said comfortingly.
He recognised the voice, was soothed by its presence.
'Mark?' he said, his voice barely a whisper.
'I'm right here' Mark said. He offered a gentle smile, but Jesse's eyes were still closed 'Amanda's here too' Mark continued.
Stepping out from behind Mark, Amanda shifted a little closer; so that Jesse would be able to see her, if he opened his eyes.
'Hey Jesse' she said softly.
'Steve?' Jesse tried, although his voice wasn't being co-operative.
'He'll be in later' Mark said smoothly 'You're not allowed too many visitors at once, you've had quite a night'.
'The restaurant!' Jesse rasped, as the memories came flooding back – Nikki standing by the trash-cans with the suitcase in her hand. The abject terror that had transfixed him, before he'd managed to wrench himself forwards to help her. The heat and power of the explosion that had knocked him off his feet; sending him flying through the air to land with a crash on the cold, hard ground of the alleyway.
And then his eyes flew open and he tried to sit up 'Nikki?' he coughed 'Where's Nikki?'
Mark swallowed hard. This was the question he'd been dreading. He exchanged a look with Amanda who nodded. She reached out and placed a hand lightly on Jesse's shoulder, her brown eyes filled with sadness. Mark took a deep breath. He'd had to deliver news like this many times in his career, but it never got any easier.
'I'm sorry Jesse' he said, with a slight shake of his head 'she didn't make it.'
'No' Jesse said, shaking his head defiantly 'No'.
Mark sighed, he'd seen this reaction before and he knew what he had to do. As cruel as it might seem, what was needed now were some cold, hard facts.
'Jesse, I'm afraid she was holding the bomb in her hands when it went off' Mark said sadly 'she never had a chance'. He paused, before looking the young doctor directly in the eye 'There was nothing you or anybody else could have done to save her'.
'She was just a kid' Jesse mumbled.
A single tear streaked down his left cheek and Amanda reached forward to gently brush it away.
'I'm so sorry Jesse' she said 'it's a terrible tragedy and one that should never have happened, but Mark's right, there was nothing you or anybody else could have done'.
Jesse gave a small nod; there were no words right now to express what he was feeling.
Amanda gazed at him, her eyes full of concern 'you really need to get some rest now' she said gently 'your body has a lot of healing to do'.
He knew she was right. The exhaustion he felt was like nothing he'd ever experienced before. Fatigue was grasping at his muscles; his body seemed to be shutting down. Speaking was becoming an impossible task and holding on to what Amanda was saying was getting harder by the second.
The rational, analytical part of his brain told him that someone must have added more pain killers to his IV, as whatever had been squirming underneath his skin seemed to have gone. That would partly account for the sensations of weariness he was fighting against. He longed to sleep to get away from the pain of his injuries, and his pain at Nikki's death. And yet he was afraid to. He was afraid that when he closed his eyes, all he'd see would be Nikki's face, her eyes wide with terror, her mouth open in shock, and then nothing but a fireball that burned at his eyes, his skin, his hair. He shuddered and Amanda reached for his arm again.
'Please Jesse' she beseeched him 'You need to rest. I'll go and get the nurse and see if she can ….'
'Don't go' Jesse interrupted urgently. His voice was still a whisper, his body weak, but he'd gathered a sudden burst of strength to reach out with his bandaged hands to grab Amanda's arm. His pained blue eyes bored straight into her soul 'please don't leave me alone. I don't want to be alone'.
'We're not going anywhere' Mark said, putting a hand gently on top of Jesse's and giving the younger man a reassuring smile.
Jesse let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding. Whilst he could hardly feel Mark's physical touch, through the pain killers and heavy bandages, the older doctor had a presence that instilled confidence. Somehow Jesse knew that as long as Mark was there, everything would somehow be okay. Feeling calmer, he let his arms drop slowly back to the bed. Settling back against the pillows, he finally gave up the fight and allowed his eyes to close.
Once Jesse's breathing had become deep and regular, Mark and Amanda stepped back slightly and looked at each other. Each noted the haunted look of the other.
'We nearly lost him tonight' Mark said gravely. His face was white, his voice a whisper.
Amanda nodded shakily, her eyes bright with tears. As the tears began to flow, Mark opened up his arms and she stepped into them.
'He's gonna be okay Mark' Amanda said, her voice muffled in his shoulder. 'He's gonna be okay'
Mark nodded, knowing she was saying it as much to reassure herself as him. Gripping Amanda tightly, he closed his eyes.
'He's gonna be okay' he repeated to himself. And he kept repeating that thought as they kept vigil by Jesse's bedside.
Still at County General, Tanis hovered awkwardly by Steve's bed. After her startling revelation about the bombing at 'Barbeque Bob's', first had come a shocked silence, faces agape with horror, and then the room had erupted in chaos. Everyone had been talking at once. Questions had been fired at her, as if she were a subject under interrogation. She'd answered the questions as best she could, but hadn't been able to provide much information. Mark and Amanda had immediately begun making arrangements to get to Jesse, terrified as to the exact nature of his condition and determined that he would not be alone. For his part, Steve, although sick with shock, had, had to be physically restrained from getting out of his hospital bed to join them. Only his father's haggard face and imploring eyes had persuaded him to stay.
'Please Steve' Mark had said; his face grey 'I don't think I can cope with worrying about both of you tonight'.
After that Steve had subsided, but he hadn't been happy about being left behind. He'd demanded that his father and Amanda call as soon as they had any news on Jesse's condition. Once Mark and Amanda had gone, things had gotten quieter. Steve had subsided into a brooding silence, whilst Tanis and Ron had made stilted small talk about the case and the possible ramifications of the dual hit.
For once she and Ron had been on best behaviour, tip-toeing around each other, with no mention of Ross Cainen or the Task Force. A couple of times Ron had attempted to draw Steve into the conversation, but to no avail. To Tanis it seemed as if he had shut down completely. She guessed he must be in shock, and in typical Steve Sloan stoic fashion was dealing with it in the only way he knew how – alone.
Ron's cell phone rang, interrupting their awkward discussion. He looked relieved at the distraction and eagerly seized the opportunity to escape. Excusing himself, he stepped out into the corridor to take the call. For the first time since their row at the beach house, Steve and Tanis were left alone.
To Tanis the silence was deafening. She was caught in a limbo, unsure whether to stay or go. Technically, she and Ron had been in the middle of a conversation, but she doubted he'd be desperate to continue it. She should just excuse herself and head home, and yet looking at the man lying on the bed in front of her, she found she couldn't leave, not yet. As she gazed at Steve, she suddenly felt like she was looking at a stranger. Who was this man who had shared so much of her life and yet never shared his deepest thoughts and feelings?
She knew that most people dismissed Steve as an action man, with little or no emotional depth. Sure he had something of a temper, but apart from that what you see is what you get. She knew that wasn't true. Steve was a complex man, and she had barely begun to scrape the surface. The unconditional love he displayed for his father, plus the lengths he'd was willing to go to for his friends and for her, told Tanis that there was a lot more to Steve than met the eye. And yet he kept his emotions so tightly guarded, she didn't think she'd ever really get through. 'And that', a little voice in her head said 'is one of the reasons why you've been so attracted to Ross Cainen.'
She hadn't really admitted it until now, but she was attracted to Cainen. And yet looking at Steve, she felt a familiar and compulsive urge to reach out and touch him, to brush back the hair that flopped across his forehead, to trace a finger down the side of his face. Her head was in a mess. How could she be attracted to two such different men at the same time? Even physically they were polar opposites, Steve with his 'all American' football player good looks, was broad shouldered with light hair and blue eyes. In contrast, Cainen was slim and dark, with his Italian suits and brooding brown eyes. Steve was 'Mr. Play it safe, stick to the rules', whilst Cainen's very existence as a 'mobster cop' broke almost every rule in the book.
Whilst Steve was stoic and tight-lipped, Cainen had been almost terrifying in the intensity of his emotions. When he talked about how he'd felt over the last year, his descriptions had been so vivid, she'd felt that she'd lived that year with him. It had been a revelation, to have so much access to a man's emotions. It had made her feel special, needed, and perhaps most intoxicating, she had felt close to him. She'd never felt that close to Steve. He'd never allowed her to be.
And yet underneath, perhaps there were some similarities between the two. Both men were dedicated to up holding the law, both were sickened by the death and destruction of the last few weeks and both were determined to do something about it. Both were pushing themselves to the limit and both, although seemingly powerful, seemed somehow vulnerable right now. She wanted to reach out to them both, to offer comfort, but what she couldn't work out she was where sympathy ended and love began. When she'd thought Steve had been killed, she'd been almost deranged in her grief and then finding out he was alive, she'd been desperate to see him. Facing him now, she had no idea where her feelings lay, just that they were complicated.
She was jolted out of her reverie by Steve clearing his throat. He was gingerly leaning forward, trying to grasp the glass of water on the bedside cabinet. He winced as the movement pulled at his injured side. Noticing his discomfort, Tanis quickly stepped forward
'Let me help you' she said, handing him the glass.
He nodded his thanks and took a long drink.
'How are you feeling?' she asked. It was a trite question and she knew it, but she couldn't think of anything better.
'I'm a little sore' Steve admitted 'But I guess I'm a lot better off than I could have been'.
She gave him a sympathetic half smile 'Sounds like you came up against a real pro tonight'.
Steve nodded ruefully 'Don't I know it'.
There was a silence and Tanis bit her lip. Things used to be so easy between them and yet now they could barely exchange a few sentences. As the silence expanded, Tanis shuffled her weight from one foot to the other. Lying on the bed, Steve momentarily closed his eyes. Tanis spotted it, and automatically took it as a dismissal.
'You need to get some rest' she said awkwardly 'I'll get out of your way. I really just came to tell you about Travis, and to check that you're okay.'
She turned quickly and was almost at the door when he called out.
'Please stay' Steve said a little gruffly, his gaze cast down at the blankets that covered him. He paused then added quietly 'I'm glad you came. I've missed you.'
Tanis turned to face him in surprise; this rare show of emotion had caught her completely off guard. His gaze flickered up to her face and she saw the haunted look in his eyes. She took a step towards the bed; her heart hammering in her chest.
'It's been a real bad night' she said softly.
Steve nodded 'I just keep thinking about Jesse' he said 'You know he was doing my shift tonight, so I could have the night off'. Steve shook his head grimly 'It should have been me, not him'.
'Steve it's not your fault' Tanis said quickly 'You couldn't have known what was gonna happen'.
Frustrated Steve slammed his fist down on the bed beside him 'That's just it, I should have known. If I was a better cop, I'd have solved this by now and Jesse wouldn't be lying in that hospital bed with possible first degree burns to his hands. He's a surgeon for godsake, his hands are his life'.
'Look Steve' Tanis said firmly, taking hold of his hands in hers 'You are not the only cop working on this case. We all feel badly that we haven't caught this guy yet, but there isn't anything more you could have done'.
Steve looked at their hands, intertwined on the bed and then his eyes met hers. Flushing, Tanis let go and took a step back
'We're both tired' she said quickly 'I really think I should go.'
'Wait, please' Steve said, his eyes beseeching her 'I don't want you to go'.
Tanis' eyes widened; this she hadn't expected. She shifted awkwardly, uncertain as to what to say. Everything was happening so fast, she was finding it hard to keep track. She looked at Steve closely, wondering if he really meant what he was saying, or if it was just a reaction to the shock. His face was pale and his eyes tired and she spotted something she'd never seen in him before, he looked defeated.
She took a step towards the bed 'Steve it's been a rough day for everybody' she said, her eyes watching him closely 'I think you're still in shock'.
'Of course I'm in shock' Steve responded angrily 'but that doesn't mean I don't know how I feel about you'.
She looked at him and bit her lip. The silence was a chasm between them. She cleared her throat.
'And how do you feel about the Task Force?' she said.
Steve sighed 'I don't wanna think about the damn Task Force, all I care about is us'.
Tanis shook her head 'Steve, you know it doesn't work like that' she said 'The Task Force is a part of me. If you want me, then you have to accept the work that I do'. She paused, her eyes boring into his 'Can you accept it?'
He looked at her, but said nothing. His eyes dropped first.
Taking a step back, Tanis brushed a hand quickly across her eyes, stopping the tears before they could flow down her cheek 'Nothing's changed' she said sadly.
Turning her back on the man in the bed, she walked swiftly out of the door.
Swallowing hard, Steve wiped angrily at his own eyes, frustrated by his inability to make things right. His head was a mess. Tonight he'd been out played and out gunned by a psychotic killer. His best friend had been seriously injured and his restaurant had been attacked. The murder attempts were getting more and more personal and he couldn't even sort out his love life. He had no idea what was happening to him, but he knew he had to pull himself together and fast.
He took a deep breath and let it out, hoping it would help him to clear his head. Thinking back over the events of the last few weeks, he realised he'd been allowing himself to be a pawn in this whole psycho, crazy game. He'd lost control. It was time to take some action, no matter how small.
Pulling back the bed sheets, he shifted awkwardly, getting his long legs over the side of the bed. If he could just find his clothes, he could get out of here and go and see Jesse. It might not help the case, but it was what he needed to do right now. Bending slightly to ease himself off the bed, he grimaced – this was a lot more painful than he'd thought. And then he felt strong arms gripping his shoulders.
'Need a hand?' Ron asked. Steve hadn't heard the FBI agent return, but was glad that he had.
'Whatever gave you that idea' he joked sardonically.
'As long as you don't tell your father I helped' Ron said.
Steve smiled ruefully 'Deal'.
'Before you go see Travis, which is where I'm guessing you're heading' Ron said 'You might wanna take a look at this'.
Reaching into his jacket pocket Ron pulled out an evidence bag. 'Boys from forensics just sent it over' he said, holding it up for Steve to see. 'It was found just outside your restaurant.
Steve sighed; in Ron's hand was another chess piece.
TO BE CONTINUED ……