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Chapter I: Into the Night
"I want this….you know…" He reached out and pressed his palm against her rapidly beating heart. "I want to be here, I want everything with you. I want it all. I want us, Peyton." And that was when she had run away. She had run from that room, from him, so hard and fast that she could barely breathe. She couldn't remember getting into her car and driving home, she had probably run every red light from Nathan's house to hers. She stormed into her house and ripped off the black dress she had been wearing. She didn't bother to put clothes on, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. She threw her bedroom window open, letting the cool night air caress her bare skin. Erasing the warmth she had felt when his skin had slid against hers. She shivered slightly, whether from the memory or the cold she didn't know. Or wasn't willing to admit.
She picked up her web cam and threw it against the mirror on the back of her door. The mirror shattered into a million pieces. Break a mirror you get seven years of bad luck, she smirked. She didn't want him to look at her. She didn't want to look at herself. She couldn't stand herself or her own skin. She wanted to tear the skin off her face, wanted to bleed so the regret that filled her chest would dissipate. The look on his face as she had backed away almost broke her heart. If she still had one. Everyone in that damn school thought of her as a bitch. A slut. But not him. She wanted him to hate her, to look at her with disgust. She could handle anything, but the pain that had filled his face as she had turned away. Rejecting his words, his feelings, his heart. She had succeeded in ripping his heart out and crushing it. Maybe she really was the bitch everyone thought she was. He had refused to see that, but he had to now.
She plopped into the chair in front of her computer and picked up her black ink pen. She stared at it for several moments until it became a blurry black blob in front of her eyes. She flipped her stereo on, putting in some angry, fucked up chick shit as Nathan had called it. She turned it up until she couldn't think. She grabbed her sketchpad and began to furiously scratch her pen against a blank sheet of paper. She wanted to forget his words. The look in his eyes. The feel of his skin against hers. She wanted to drink until she couldn't think. Couldn't feel. But the music would take the edge off, it always did. The music pulsed through her veins as she pressed her pen harshly against the paper. Twenty minutes later she stopped and stared down at the image before her. It was the scene that had been on her mind since she had left the party. His hand against the place her heart was supposed to be. She wanted to tear it up, but instead she wrote, "And now we CAN'T have it."
She flung the drawing at her computer. "Damn it," she screamed into the empty house. No one was ever home. She could do anything she wanted to do. It had been like this since her mother had died. She was on her own, but it was lonely. She'd never admit it to anybody, but she missed her dad. She wished things could be different. But they weren't and that was how it was going to be. She had never let herself want that until she met Lucas. He made her see things she had never let herself feel. Him and his damn compassion. His desire to understand. Why couldn't he just leave it alone? Why couldn't he be like Nathan? She had known what to expect with Nathan. Sex and alcohol. That's all he had ever wanted from her. All any guy ever wanted. But not Lucas. Why did he have to screw everything up? Why did she have to fuck it up? Why did he want her anyways? Everything she touched turned to shit. It was only a matter of time before he realized that. If he hadn't after tonight, he would. She walked over to her wall and leaned into it. Letting it hold her weight, her eyes burning with unshed tears. Tears that she'd never let fall.
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"This isn't supposed to be that…..why couldn't you just leave it alone?" The look in her eyes had torn him in half. Fear, confusion, anger, and pain swirled around in her wide, hazel eyes. His words had terrified her, he could see it in her face, it was in the way her body had moved away from him. As if she had just been bitten by a snake. As if he were someone that was trying to hurt her. He had wanted to go after her, but he had been frozen to the carpet beneath his feet. He knew she needed time to think. To be away from him. His heart ached when he heard her car screech out of the driveway. Dan had walked in after that, but he had brushed past him. He suddenly felt weary, he just wanted to go home.
He crept into the house, trying not to wake up his mom. He quietly opened his bedroom door and slid inside. He threw his jacket and shirt onto the bed. He fell onto the chair in front of his computer and turned it on. She wasn't there, her cam was off. His heart felt as it were collapsing into itself and he sighed deeply. He had pushed her too hard, spoke too soon. He should have waited, but he couldn't have sex with her like that. Not without her knowing that it was more than that to him. He couldn't let her think he was like everyone else. That he would use her and leave. He wanted to be there with her. But she wasn't like him, it wasn't as simple for her. He could tell she was damaged, in ways he didn't even realize. His heart ached at the thought of her being home alone. Always alone.
He should have just….left it alone. He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his calloused palms. He would be lucky if she ever spoke to him again. He knew how she was, she would lash out at him the next time he saw her. Or worse….she would give him the cold shoulder. She'd brush him off, acting like nothing had ever happened. Like they never happened. Tears stung his tired eyes. He had never meant to care this much. He had only wanted to be her friend, but it had never been that. There had always been more between them. Between the barbs and flirtation they had exchanged, had grown something deeper. She had let him see a part of her that she didn't show the world. She had let him in and now he had lost that. She would look at him with wary eyes. Always wondering what he was thinking….feeling. But would she have looked at him the same way if they had slept together? He shook his head, the questions would never end.
Even though she had turned away from him, he wasn't giving up. He couldn't. She needed him more than she realized. And he needed her too. He had never needed anyone besides his mom and Haley. But it wasn't the same kind of need. The way he needed her sliced through his soul. He wanted to be close to her, to hold her and kiss her. Just to be with her. She was so much more than everyone thought. More than she gave herself credit for. He turned away from his computer and climbed into bed. He shut his eyes, her face floating behind his closed eyelids. He smiled slightly at the image. She was…..everything.
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Pounding. The walls seemed to shake beside her head. Or maybe it was her head that was vibrating. She opened her eyes slowly and looked at the clock, 2:12 AM. She groaned and stumbled out of bed. She grabbed the long white silk robe hanging on the back of her door and wrapped it around her small body as she plopped down the stairs. She flung the door open and was shocked to see Nathan standing in her doorway. "What are you doing here?" She narrowed her eyes, "We're over." She began to shut the door, but he stuck his hand out.
"I'm not here for that…." He started, then stopped, staring at her. He wanted to tell her that he was sorry for everything. That he missed her and wanted to start over. But after seeing her with Lucas tonight he knew that was over. The way she looked at Lucas was different, she had never looked at him that way. Not even when things were new. Their glory days didn't come close to the ease and comfort she had shown around Lucas.
"What are you staring at?" She frowned and crossed her arms over her chest.
He shook his head, "Brooke passed out at the party…." He gestured towards his car, "I couldn't just leave her there."
"So you brought her here?" She raised her eyebrows in anger. Brooke was the last person she wanted to see. After the stunt she had pulled at the party, all she wanted to do was smash her pretty little face in. But she softened a bit at the look of distress on Nathan's face. He was trying to be a good guy. For once. "Okay, bring her in." She relented. Angry or not, she couldn't refuse to give her best friend a place to crash for the night. No matter how much she had meddled in her life lately.
He turned away and walked to his car. He opened his car door and slung Brooke over his shoulder. He easily carried her into the dim living room, the only light coming from the streetlight down the street, "Where do you want her?"
She pointed to the couch, "Just drop her there."
He carefully placed her on the couch, making sure to lie her on her stomach. Brooke groaned as he turned to look at Peyton, "She really pissed you off didn't she?"
"I'm five miles past pissed." She growled, "I'm surprised you aren't angry at her for lying to us."
"Well she had a point…." He looked at her for a long time, wishing he had fixed things before now. But by the distance in her eyes, he could tell she wasn't going to let him. It was too late.
"About what?"
"I do….miss you Peyton." It was hard for him to let her know that, he had never said it enough when they were together.
"Nathan," she sighed in frustration, "we've talked about this."
"I know, I just had to say it." He shifted uncomfortable, "Well, I should go."
"Yeah I think you should," she followed him to the door and stopped. She watched him walk to his care open the door, "And Nathan…." He paused, "We'll get there one day."
He looked puzzled, "Where?"
"Friends." She gave him a small smile before quickly shutting the door. He smiled to himself and sped into the darkness. She sagged against the door, surprised that she had given him that much. That it was so easy to just forget everything that had ever happened between them. All the times she had felt used and cheap. All the drama and fights. Maybe he had cared for her in some small way. But not the way Lucas does, her heart whispered. She grit her teeth against the thought. It was too late to feel guilty. She had no room for guilt in her life. She wasn't supposed to care. She didn't want to care, it was easier to be angry. With everyone else she could hold on to the anger so easily, but now all she wanted to do was curl up into a ball and blast her music. But she couldn't. Not tonight. She looked over at Brooke and sighed. It seemed like once again she had to take care of Brooke. Despite her aggravation at the brunette occupying her couch she couldn't just leave her alone.
She settled into the chair close to the couch and pulled her knees into her chest. She peeked through the blinds and the moon stared down at her. His face was mocking and cruel. She could almost hear him laughing at her. Telling her how messed up everything was, how she always messed everything. She rested her head on her knees, peering into the darkness of the room, ignoring the shaft of moonlight that hit the floor. She closed her eyes and drifted to sleep.
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Lucas felt as if his head were ringing. He turned over, but it didn't stop. The sound only became sharper, more harsh. He opened one eye and looked at the digital clock on his nightstand, 2:34 AM. His cell was glowing and shaking. He snapped it opened and pushed it against his ear, "Hello?" He heard sniffling on the other end. "Hales is that you?"
"Yeah," she squeaked, trying to suppress a sob.
"What's wrong?"
"You were right, you know."
"About what?"
"Nathan. I thought he was a good guy and he just proved me wrong. Smart girl is stupid once again."
"Hales," he sighed quietly, "you aren't stupid. If he can't see how great you are, then you are better off without him."
She sniffed, "It was easier when it was just us." She paused, "At least things are working out for one of us."
He chuckled awkwardly, "If working out is her running away from me. Then mission accomplished."
"What happened Luke?"
"I pushed too hard, opened my big mouth." He sighed and rubbed his head. "Nothing new for me."
"Welcome to the land of losers, population me and you," She said bitterly and sighed, "So it's just us….like it always has been."
"I'm not giving up Hales. I can't tell you what to do about Nathan, but I'm not giving up."
"Good for you, Luke." He could hear the smile in her voice. "Just don't get your heart broken, okay?"
Lucas laughed, "Night Hales,"
"Night, Luke."