Chapter Five

There Comes, my Heart.

"Boggart's balls, am I glad to be back!" Tonks exclaimed to Tina, her favorite co–worker, as she pulled a towel out of her locker. "Don't know if I'm ever going to feel clean again."

Her friend asked, "How'd you like working with 'Mouthwatering Miles' for five days?"

"Please tell me you are kidding, Tina. You know he's an arse, don't you?"

"He's always really nice to me. We were planning on going out to dinner before all these extra shifts came up." She gave a dreamy smile.

"Bad idea, Tina. He speaks with a forked tongue."

"You just don't like him 'cause he was Slytherin"

"My mum was Slytherin. He's just bad news, Tina."

Tina made a face, and was about to ask Tonks what he had done to offend her, when Tonks, eager to avoid specifics, spoke quickly. "Listen, do what you want. Just don't say I didn't warn you. Hey, I don't mean to cut you off, love, but I have been dreaming of a hot shower for five days, so I'm off."

"Have fun, Tonks!" She waved cheerfully while Tonks walked through the door to the showers.

The girl was just too cute for words, she thought to herself. Too bad she had such a knack for picking the bad boys. She would have loved Sirius fifteen years ago. Come to think of it, she might even have loved Sirius seven days ago. She tried to shrug off the sharp jolt of pain that thought caused.

As she vigorously scrubbed at her skin, the scalding hot water eased the aches that her uncomfortable bed had caused. Anticipation and nervous energy hummed through her body. Finally, she would see him again.

She dressed in the clean clothes that she had left in her locker over a week ago. The T-shirt and patched jeans seemed very inappropriate for a reunion with her much older (boyfriend? lover? significant other?) None of them seemed to fit her situation with Remus. She peered into the mirror on the way out. What to do with her hair? He said he liked it natural, but he was trying to cheer her up at the time. She settled on a medium length, curly auburn. Walking out of the locker room, she passed Tina again, who asked, "Oi, Tonks! You want to go to the pub tonight after you rest up a bit?"

"Sorry, Tina, I have plans. Maybe another time?"

"Got a hot date?"

"Here's hoping!" She flashed her friend a brilliant grin as she walked out the door.

As she passed through the half-empty office, Kingsley waved her down. He gave her the signal to meet him in private.

She was waiting around the corner from the Ministry, in a Muggle coffeehouse.

"Wotcher, Shacklebolt! What's new?"

"You can't go back to Headquarters, for a while anyway. It's not safe." He quickly explained the reasons, as her mind raced. How would she find Remus without asking, which would seem a little odd, if not suspicious? They were really only supposed to use a Patronus on Order business. He began to go over her upcoming Order assignments. She was going to be extremely busy over the next couple of weeks, to say the least. They were kind enough to give her the night off, apart from a briefing on the situation at Azkaban scheduled in a few hours. She'd better find Remus in a hurry, if they were going to get anything talked out, let alone have a proper reunion. And where to go, since her room at her parents' was out of the question, and Remus' place, which she had never seen, was a bit too far away? She would have to get a flat, one of these days. Her parents would make her mental without the occasional nights away from home that her Grimmauld Place room had given her. Maybe he'd want to share a flat with her?

Finally, a few of his words caught her attention, "…special assignment today from Moody. He wants you to meet he and Lupin and the Weasleys at King's Cross."

"Isn't the Express coming in today? Are we supposed to guard Harry?"

"I don't think so, you'll have to ask him. It's something he came up with, or maybe Lupin, but he said it was voluntary."

Problem solved. Her blood hummed as she raced across town to the station.

The first person she recognized at the station was Molly, who spotted her and rushed up to give her a warm hug. This was a bit of a surprise. Generally, Molly, while friendly, had viewed her with no small amount of exasperation, no doubt because her clumsiness had increased Molly's stress level at headquarters.

"So good to see you are better, Tonks, dear. I never got the chance to thank you for coming to my children's rescue."

Tonks blushed, and asked how Ginny and Ron were doing. This caused the older woman's eyes to well up. Tonks reached for her hands and squeezed them affectionately. The tension was dispersed when Fred and George came up and gave their mother a two-sided hug in greeting.

"Wotcher, boys, wicked jackets!" Tonks exclaimed with a grin.

They gave little bows of pride. She noted that she would have to remember the color, to try out on her hair on some future occasion.

Moody, who was waiting across the room near the barrier, caught her attention. Her heart stopped, for behind him was Remus, looking in the opposite direction. Moody spoke to Remus over his shoulder, who then turned to face her. Their eyes met, and she felt the blood pounding in her ears. He looked so pale, and there were deep lines of pain around his eyes. But when they met hers, they softened, and his smile lit up his face. It is okay then. Everything is going to be fine.

Mad-Eye met her little group halfway across the station, Remus standing in his wake. He quickly explained the idea that Remus and he had come up with the night before. They were to make a memorable impression on Harry's useless relatives, in the hope that it might make Harry's unavoidable time on Privet Drive more bearable. The idea had Remus' name written all over it, Tonks was certain of it, and the love in her heart swelled a little more.

The train was due to arrive in five minutes, and Tonks took the opportunity to rush into the ladies' loo for a quick change. Things worth doing are worth doing well, she thought, as she peered into the water-spotted mirror above the chipped enamel sink. Now, what colour and style would offend a narrow-minded old bitch the most? She scrunched up her face, and when she opened her eyes again, her hair was bubble gum pink and spiky.

When she returned to the waiting area, the lot of them had formed sort of a phalanx, facing the barrier to Platform 9 ¾. She slipped in behind Moody, next to Remus. He gave her a warm smile, and reached out to squeeze her hand briefly. Within seconds, they began to see students appearing in groups of two, rushing to greet their waiting families. Eventually, Harry appeared through the barrier, and his grim face lit up at the sight of them.

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Some time later, they watched him walk away with the horrified Dursleys, his step lighter, his shoulders back, and all knew that it had been the right thing to do. The large group started to break up into smaller groups, headed to their various destinations. Moody, however, made a beeline to Tonks, and grilled her with questions about her stay on the island, as she waved silent good-byes to those departing. Eventually she was left nearly alone with Mad–Eye, but Remus walked over to remind him that she was to give a full briefing in a few hours' time. He inquired as to whether Tonks had eaten anything since her return, noting that she had lost a fair bit of weight, and then casually asked her if she would like to grab a bite to eat. He then turned to Moody and asked if he would join them, and Tonks silently prayed to whoever would listen that he would decline. He did, and the three of them walked to the station exit, parting ways at the door.

Once on the street, the pair wandered aimlessly in search of an interesting restaurant, and he asked her to tell him how she had been holding up through the last few days. She was more concerned with his recent transformation, and the weariness she saw on his face. They purchased meat pies at a tiny pub, choosing to take them along and continue walking. They wound up strolling along a canal, eating and talking about everything but the burning questions that both of them longed to ask each other. Eventually they sat down on a bench, looking out at the murky water, and eating quietly. He finally broke the silence.

"Tonks, I have some things to say, and I hope you will just let me get through them."

She nodded, her heart racing.

He took a breath, and continued, "I've been feeling somewhat rattled, or rather; I haven't really been able to suppress my anxiety for the last few days. Sirius' death, the move, my recent transformation, the horrible news we've been getting every day, worry for you on that island; I've hardly had time to breathe, let alone think things over with a level head. But I can't get past the feeling that I have behaved badly, selfishly where you are concerned."

She started to protest, but he stopped her with a wave of his hand.

"Please let me finish, I must say this. I know that what happened the other night was extraordinary, was very meaningful to both of us, and I doubt that I will ever be able to truly regret what happened, but I think that we have to look at it rationally. I mean, here we are, good friends, but at sort of a loss as to how to continue the friendship without the original thing that brought us together, which was Sirius. And we were in a very vulnerable state, grieving and exhausted, and in need of comfort. It was bound to happen, but that doesn't mean that it ought to have happened. If I had been myself, that night I would have had more self-control. I was weak. But I think it would be a bigger mistake to think that we can create a relationship based solely on friendship and mutual grief. When you look at it without all the heightened emotions that we have been experiencing, which will certainly fade away, and quickly, we would be left with very little to go on with. Realistically, we have very little in common. There is a huge difference in our ages and life experiences. Also, our personalities and attitudes are somewhat at odds with each other. I just can't see it going anywhere that doesn't end badly, and I really would hate to sacrifice our friendship and working relationship on the slim chance that it would work out. I care about you too much, Tonks."

There was a long, uncomfortable silence.

"The other night it was Nymphadora," she said quietly, sadly.

Startled, he finally turned and looked at her face. She had grown very pale. "What are you talking about? I thought you wanted me to call you Tonks."

"You were the only one I let get away with that name, other than my family. It sounded lovely, special, coming from you. But now it's Tonks. I'm a little disappointed. Oh, hell, I'm more than a little disappointed."

She stood up and walked toward the canal, standing on the edge. She threw the remainder of her pie to a floating duck, her appetite gone. After a few moments of silence, she continued, in an even tone, "So, basically, what you are saying, Remus, is that we had ourselves a pity fuck?"

She spun around to catch his reaction. His mouth was set, his eyes wide. "That was uncalled for, Tonks."

"Oh, I'm sorry I don't have your gift of pretty words, Remus. I say what I think, and don't always choose my words carefully. One of the many differences between us, as you were so kind to point out. I also say what I feel, Remus. Which is something you rarely do, at least with any honesty."

He looked past her, toward the canal, shaking his head slightly.

She continued, "So, you've given me a logical explanation for what happened that night. You were kind enough to have rationalized away any inconvenient emotions that I might still be carrying around for you. You've wrapped the whole thing up in a tidy little package, ready to be discarded as quickly as possible, and you'd like us to continue as if it never happened, to write it off as 'one of those things'. Have I got it right, Remus?"

"I didn't mean to hurt your feelings…."

"No, I think you knew damn well it would hurt, but told yourself you would save me from a bigger hurt, later."

"Well, that's partly true."

"Too late, Remus. You couldn't possibly hurt me more. I may be years younger than you, but I am not naive. Don't try analyzing and underestimating my feelings for you. I love you, and it's not because I'm grieving and it's not because we were thrown together. Damn it! I saw this coming, you know? I was stuck on that vile rock, unable to talk to you and I knew, I knew you would pull something like this! You say you were weak that night, you think you took advantage of me. But I say you are weak now, weak and afraid. This is the biggest pile of bullshit I have ever heard! I know better, Remus. I was there! It was the most intense thing I have ever experienced. I saw your face and I KNEW. You wept, Remus, you shook with the force of it. We both did. Don't you think I know the difference between what we did and everything else I have done before? It scared the shit out of you, didn't it? And don't imagine I don't know what is really behind this. I've heard you talking about it often enough. But I think you're taking this 'lone wolf' thing a little too far. Maybe I'm not the person you imagined sharing your life with. Maybe I'm not as clever, or refined or mild-tempered as you might like, but you do love me. I would bet my life on it! And that is why I came back here to see you looking like you've been through a week of full moons, and you won't look me in the eye. You're terrified of what it means, and you're pushing me away. Say what you really feel and let's deal with it. But don't you ever dare try to patronize me again, Remus Lupin!"

She had been pacing in front of him, and finally sank down on the bench, turning towards him.

"For someone who doesn't like her feelings 'underestimated', you've made a great deal of assumptions about mine," he said, with a trace of bitterness.

"Yes, I suppose I have. But you still won't look me in the eye when you say these things."

He looked directly into her eyes, then. " I refuse to change my mind about this, Tonks. There is no future for us."

"You're making the biggest mistake of your sorry life, Lupin," she spat out and stalked away, shaking with rage, refusing to let him see the first tear that fell from her eyes. Had she turned around once, she would have seen him, still sitting on the bench, leaning forward with his head in his hands. He remained that way for a very long time.