Chapter Seven

I Fear thy Kisses, Gentle Maiden

Remus returned to Moody's house at ten minutes to midnight. He found his host sitting in the study, reading a book about Dementors. He looked up when Remus entered the room.

"Hello, Alastor."

"You missed the briefing."

"Yes, I know, Something came up. Anything interesting happen?"

"A couple of Dementors were spotted in Knightsbridge, and one in Devon."

"What does it mean?"

"That's what we're trying to figure out."

"Did anything noteworthy happen in Azkaban while she was there?"

"Didn't you ask her this afternoon?"

Lupin looked away quickly. "No, we talked about…Sirius."

"That would explain why she looked so drawn."

"Did she?"

"I thought so, but maybe it was just because her hair wasn't some bizarre colour." Moody grimaced and shook his head.

"That would make a difference. Anyway, I'd better turn in if I am to get started on that research project we discussed."

"Dumbledore also wanted me to ask you to do a bit of research on Dementors, while you're at it. Specifically, their…mating habits."

"There's a cheerful image to go to sleep with," Remus said wryly.

"I made some chicken soup earlier. There's some left on the stove, if you want. My leg always acts up in the cold wet, and we haven't had a sunny day for almost a week."

"I appreciate the offer, Alastor, but I've eaten," he lied. "Goodnight, then."

Remus would almost have welcomed an erotic nightmare about Dementors. Anything to clear his mind of the image of Tonks' large dark eyes filled with pain and brimming with tears. Anything not to hear her voice, calling him a coward, calling him weak. But there was no getting around that he knew himself to be a coward, though not for the reasons she supposed. He was afraid, very afraid to see the hatred and humiliation that she would endure on an almost daily basis if she shared his life. Afraid to see her struggle through poverty and prejudice, and one day to turn to him with eyes as tired and defeated as his own. Afraid to see the love in her eyes diminished by pity, as she looked down at him on the floor, naked and weak from the effects of a transformation he had no control over. And most of all he was afraid, terrified that one day it would all go dreadfully wrong, the potion wouldn't work, and he would wake up from his transformation with her blood and flesh dripping from his teeth.

What she didn't realize is that it was taking every ounce of strength that he could muster to resist her. He had hoped to make it as painless as possible, but if she had to hate him before all this was over, so be it. She would come out of it a little bruised, but still retain her vitality and promise. He could watch from a distance as she found her way to the life, love, and the family she deserved. And someday, when it was safe to allow himself to do so, he could content himself with memories of the lovely girl that got away.

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Three nights later, Tonks Apparated into her parent's back garden. As she entered through the kitchen door, her elegant mother dropped the spoon she had been stirring with, and rushed to give her a warm hug.

"Darling, I've been so worried about you. We heard you'd been injured and then when we didn't see you for over a week…"

"I sent a note to you while I was offshore."

Andromeda pulled away and looked her up and down, "Yes, dear, but the article in the paper came out the next day, and it said…"

"I'm fine, Mum, really."

"But darling, you look so pale, and you've lost weight."

Tonks slipped out of her arms and slumped onto a chair. "Please, Mum, don't…"

"Well, let me feed you at least. How would you like some lovely crepes?"

"That's too much trouble, Mum, have you got any bangers and mash?"

" I swear, between you and your father…yes, of course, dear." Andromeda gave a throaty chuckle as she opened the icebox to pull out a container of leftovers.

"So they mentioned my name in the paper, did they?"

"No, but they mentioned an unidentified female Auror, and since there are only three of you…"

"You started asking around." She rolled her eyes.

"Darling, the rumours have been horrific. No one will give me a straight answer."

"What do you want to know, Mum?"

"Who hurt you?"

"A Death Eater, Mum. And, I'm just fine, no permanent damage."

"But you will not give me the name. And since my sister, and my brother-in-law were mentioned in the rumours, I have two rather obvious names to choose from."

"Lucius is in Azkaban, and Bella is still at large."

"I also found it rather odd that, according to the rumours, your arrival at the Ministry preceded all of the other Aurors, save one, by over an hour."

"Where'd you hear that one?"

"And that the others that you were in company with included an escaped convict, a mad, disgraced ex-Auror, a werewolf, a group of teenagers, one of which was Harry Potter, and Albus Dumbledore, who was wanted for questioning at the time."

"Well, that one seems to be a little far-fetched. I wonder how they come up with these things?"

"Nymphadora…"

"Mum…"

Andromeda stood next to her daughter, pulling her chin up to look into the lovely dark eyes that mirrored her own. "Nymphadora, is my favourite cousin dead?"

"Yes, Mum, he is."

"Who…"

"Bella."

Andromeda gasped, and sat down weakly. "And he wasn't the mad killer that everyone said he was, was he?"

"No, Mum."

"Did you know where he was all this time?"

"Yes, Mum."

"And you never thought to tell me?"

"It could have cost me my job. And others' jobs. And a lot of more important things."

"Was he happy?"

"As happy as he could be, Mum. And he never stopped loving you, or me."

"Is it true, what they are saying…about…Lord Vold…?" she whispered.

"Yes. He is alive."

"And you, and Dumbledore, and others…"

"Please, don't ask me, Mum."

"What can I do to help?"

"Aren't you in enough danger? Don't you worry that your sisters will come 'round to make you pay for the life you have been living? And now that Bella knows what I am, what I do, the urge to hurt you will be even stronger! I can't lose either of you, too, Mum!"

"Please, Nymphadora. I can't just sit here..."

"Do what you do best, Mum. Throw a party. Whisper words into the ears of people that are influential while plying them with fine food and wine. Raise money for orphans and victims. All hell is about to break loose, and the front line soldiers are far from respectable. But you, you are flawless, graceful, lovely and brave. People will listen to you. But please, please be careful."

"I want to do more. Your Father will, too…"

"I'll speak to Dumbledore."

"Please do, darling. And you really need to eat something."

"Thanks, Mum, can I take it up to my room? I'm dead tired."

"Of course, darling. Oh, and I forgot to mention, I love what you've done with your hair!"

"Mum, this is the hair I was born with…I have been desperate to change it, but I'm so tired…"

"But, darling, it's lovely. It's just like your father's colour, and such lovely curls." She brushed her daughter's hair out of her eyes with her pale, graceful fingers.

"Hair that only you could love." She kissed her mother affectionately.

"So dear, tell me what else is new! Have you got a new boyfriend?"

"Gods, Mum…Please can we not have this discussion now? I am beat!"

"Are you going to tell me who hurt you that night?"

"No, Mum."

Andromeda looked searchingly at her daughter, then anger hardened her exquisite face. "One day I am going to kill my nasty bitch of a sister."

"Get in line, Mum. And I love you very much."

"We're so very proud of you, darling."

At 2 a.m. it became clear that, tired as she was, sleep would not come easily. It had been that way for days. She lit the lamp by her bedside table, and surveyed her comfortable, messy, familiar room. It had not changed much since she helped her mum decorate it at thirteen years old. The walls were pale pink with lavender trim. Watercolour paintings of gardens and meadows fought for wall space with garish Quidditch posters and photographs of sullen-looking musicians. Mementos of her Hogwarts years, photographs of her friends and teammates, family photos, favourite books and clothes were scattered throughout the room. A bookshelf crammed with novels, study books, poetry and Muggle CDs was adjacent to the small fireplace. A chest, filled with old toys and Quidditch figures, and one or two of the few dolls she had ever been able to hold an interest in, sat at the foot of her bed. A cozy window seat piled with pink and purple pillows looked out into the darkened garden below. The limbs of a large oak tree nearly touched her window. She had learned to climb out of it about six months after she had learned to walk much to her mother's terror and her father's admiration. Every thing in the room was beloved and well used. But now, at twenty-four, she could not help but feel that the room was no longer a reflection of the person she had become. It was tempting to come back home and retreat into her role as daughter, to have her mother fuss over her and take comfort in her father's familiar bear hug. But there were some things that they could not fix; she had to work through them on her own. The fact was that over the last few years, particularly the last one, she had kept her life and her parents' lives quite separate. The people that she had come to depend on more and more were her co-workers, and her comrades in the Order. Most importantly, she had come to rely on herself. There really was no one who could make this all better for her, not even Remus. Perhaps it was time to rely on herself completely. Sighing, she started to take down the posters, one by one.

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Nine days later, Tonks was rushing through the office, after a particularly harrowing two-day shift. Dear Merlin, how had they managed to get to Amelia Bones? She was legendary, powerful, a member of the Wizengamot. Who was next, Dumbledore? Hell, it was getting scary. The bridge, the giant, and almost worst of all, Emmeline Vance. How had they found her? Kingsley caught her attention just before she reached the door. Once again, she met him at the coffeehouse.

"Wotcher, Kingsley! I'm in a bit of a rush."

"Can you meet tonight? It's important." He looked almost as haggard as she did. His eyes were bloodshot and his skin had a grayish tinge.

"I can probably reschedule my appointment, though I've already had to do it twice."

"We're going to meet at Moody's at eight."

"See you there. Take care, Kingsley."

She bolted out the door, tripping over a chair leg, but righting herself. She could make the meeting and still see her prospective landlord beforehand if everything went smoothly. She just wouldn't have time to change clothes. Well, her Auror robes might make an impression of reliability, and maybe the old witch would be pleased to have the protection of an Auror tenant in these frightening times. She ran back into the Ministry and Flooed to Hogsmeade from the atrium.

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Success! She was about to embark on an independent life. It was the best feeling she'd had in nearly two weeks. At only ten minutes past eight, she was let into Moody's house by Bill Weasley, then slipped into the meeting as quietly as possible, and, Thank Merlin, didn't trip on anything on the way in. No sign of Remus, either, though she couldn't see the whole room. She caught Molly giving her a warm smile, and Mad-Eye, staring fixedly at her, or as fixedly as it was possible for him to look. The speaker was Dumbledore, and he was passing on information about the recent tragic events, and their strategy for dealing with the new Minister.

When the meeting closed, she would have loved to slip quietly out the door, but Mad-Eye cornered her, asking about the Amelia Bones investigation. Then Molly, who had been waiting patiently, bullied her into coming over for dinner the following night, fretting over her weight loss the same way her own mother had been doing far too often lately. Dumbledore indicated that he wanted to speak with her when he finished discussing some important matters with Arthur Weasley, so she decided the best thing to do would be to find the back garden, and wait alone.

She was standing near a gardenia bush, enjoying the rich scent and looking at the half moon, when she felt the unmistakable prickle at the back of her neck. She turned slowly to see who was watching her. Remus was sitting on a deck chair, his skin pale and glowing in the moonlight. Her heart stopped momentarily, then restarted at a marathon pace. She'd walked right past him. Resisting the urge to turn and run away, she said quietly, "Hello, Remus."

"Hello, Tonks."

There it was, again, that knife-sharp pang of disappointment.

"You look like hell. Are you hiding from me out here?" It was comforting to see that he had had at least as miserable a time of it in the last two weeks as she had. Still, the pain in his eyes was difficult to bear.

"Please Tonks, just let me be alone."

"Why did you stay, then? The meeting is over with."

"I'm living here, didn't you know?"

"No, I sure didn't."

"Wouldn't have come if you had known, I imagine?"

"I had to run into you sometime. I would never let my disappointment in you get in the way of my commitments. "

"I wish it didn't have to be like this."

"You say that as if it wasn't your decision to make it 'like this', Remus."

"It was a responsible decision, Tonks."

"Was it really? I don't think it was very responsible for a man in your dire straits to throw away love that was given freely."

"You don't understand…"

"No, I don't! Please explain it to me. But tell me the truth this time. Tell me you love me. It's written all over your face, and it seems to be killing you. For crying out loud, put us both out of our misery!" She walked up and squatted in front of him, her hands on his knees, looking up into his face.

"Please, Remus. Please tell me the truth."

"Tonks, you could never truly understand. Do you think that a few conversations with me have given you any real picture of the life I've led? I had no right, none whatsoever to put my hands on you."

"I rather think that it is my decision who puts their hands on me."

"You must think that it is all very romantic. Star crossed lovers and all that. Very exciting to think you are in love with, and can save, an impoverished werewolf. But you couldn't possibly have any idea what it is that you are getting yourself into. It would get old rather quickly. You would hate me before it was over with."

"You're patronizing me again, Remus."

"That's because you refuse to take me seriously. Tonks, I have exactly three hundred Galleons in my account. That is all that is left over from my year at Hogwarts. If I am very careful, I could live on it, at my own place, for about six months. Then it would be gone, and I have no way to get another job. The Ministry has made it impossible for a known werewolf to find legal employment, and Dolores Umbridge made sure that my name was in the paper, identified as one. If Sirius hadn't taken me in last year, I wouldn't have been able to feed myself. I haven't had any new clothes in five years, other than those ridiculous Muggle things you bought me last winter, and believe me; I have made use of them. My place up north, I inherited from my parents. They never had a whole lot of interest in making money. It is a cottage. And when I say cottage, it is not meant to imply charming and quaint. I grow vegetables and fruit in the garden out of necessity. It would be lot easier to live on my savings if only I could become a vegetarian, but that would be wishful thinking in my condition. The only purchases that I have made in the last fourteen years, which did not fall under the category of food, clothing and shelter are my books. I buy myself one, every year on my birthday. Some years I have to buy ones that are in really bad condition, but those books have kept me from going mad. I live a very solitary life up there, and have a lot of regrets accumulated over the years to keep me company. Every single person that I have loved, I have lost, and most of them are dead."

He had been staring at a spot just over her shoulder for most of his little speech, but his voice broke here, and he looked into her eyes as he continued. "What is worse is that good hearted people, kind and generous people, look at me with fear and revulsion when they find out what I am. They hurry their children away from me. I love kids, Tonks, I always have. I was, I think, a brilliant teacher. It was the happiest time of my life. But I am not fit to be near them."

"Remus, you shouldn't say things…"

"You're not listening to me. It is human nature to shy away from dangerous creatures. And that is what I am, a creature. I am not human, legally. Do you have any idea what that really means? All it would take is one thing to go wrong, and I am capable of eating the heart of another person."

"Any one of us is capable of that, given the right circumstances, Remus."

"No, Tonks, that is what my body, my blood begs me to do. And I wouldn't care if it were my own wife, my own child, or my mother. I found a very desolate area of the highlands, and before I had the potion, I would Apparate there once a month to transform. I would wake up with foul memories, covered in blood. I can't tell you how many animals I have sunk my teeth into and eaten raw. It is only by very good luck and careful planning that I have never hurt a human. But the desire to, the obsession, really, will always be there. You will never know how much I struggle against my basest impulses."

He leaned over and placed his hands on top of hers, on his knees. "If you were to get involved with me, openly, you wouldn't have your job for very long. You are supposed to be fighting dark creatures, and I am one of them. Your parents, as open-minded as you think they are, would never approve, and it would cause a possible permanent rift with them. Every single day, you would encounter people who would look at you with disgust. Your reputation would be shattered. As I said, legally I am not classified as human. That would mean that it would be virtually impossible to find someone that would marry us, if we had the desire to do so. And as far as children go, it is simply not going to happen. I made certain of that a long time ago. I have absolutely nothing to offer you, Tonks. I would be this dead weight that you carry around, and eventually you would resent me for it. So yes, I know perfectly well what I am 'throwing away.'"

Tonks reached her hand up to caress his face. He closed his eyes at the contact. "Do you think any of this is a surprise to me, Remus? Sirius told me most of this already, and I guessed the rest. We talked about you often. I don't know, maybe he spotted before I did that I was falling in love with you, or maybe he was trying to point me in your direction. You have never been far from my mind over the last year. I watched, and wondered; I researched your situation because you intrigued me. And every thing you have told me so far makes me love you more. Your struggles show a strength of character that impresses the hell out of me."

She pushed his hair away from his forehead. "Don't think that I haven't considered the repercussions of loving you. I had five days of solitude to consider all of it in great detail. But not for one minute did I ever think that it would be too much trouble. I know what we are facing Remus, but I also know in my heart that the rewards would be worth the sacrifices."

"What rewards, Tonks? There are no rewards! I am an old man with no future. I'd like to know what rose-coloured glasses you are looking at me through. Perhaps you are looking for a father figure. Maybe you are looking for excitement, a fairy tale, like Beauty and the Beast. But you are not seeing me for who I really am."

"I see you just fine, Remus. And I am not looking for a father figure. I have a perfectly good father, I think you met him, Ted Tonks is his name. You're nothing like him. He's loud and goofy and affectionate, and he wears his heart on his sleeve. He would love you, if you gave him a chance. And you forget that I am a product of the whole 'star crossed lovers' scene. Capulets and Montagues, that's what they were. Except it worked out pretty well for them. They love each other dearly. In fact, I walked in on them snogging on the sofa just the other day. Frightening sight, it was. Mum's hand was on my Dad's bum." She shivered and grinned.

He shook his head. "They wouldn't see our situation as anything like theirs. Your father is not dangerous to your mother."

"You think not? Have you forgotten my mum's sister? Her dearest ambition would be to go down on You-Know-Who on a daily basis! To Bella's friends, Mum is a 'blood traitor', a 'Mudblood lover', and what is worse, related to half of the Death Eaters. They would love to kill my parents, just to prove a point."

Her legs had nearly fallen asleep, so she pulled up a chair next to him and sat down.

"And as far as the 'excitement' of being involved with a werewolf, well, Remus, I don't mean to be rude, but I do not love you because you are exciting. Well, at least not out of bed, anyway. My life is exciting enough, with my job and the Order…"

"You would lose your job."

"I wouldn't count on that. Female Aurors are very great publicity, and my abilities are rare and valuable to the department. They bend over backwards to kiss my arse. Plus I've done a fantastic job so far, so they won't be in a great hurry to fire me. They need all the Aurors they can get, now that the world is falling apart and the ranks of Death Eaters are swelling."

"You wouldn't be so sure of that if you knew what I know about people."

"Well, I am prepared to deal with that, if it comes. Listen Remus; I have very thick skin. It is a natural side effect of making a fool of myself on a daily basis. I've had to deal with all sorts of foul comments and dirty looks from my relatives all of my life. I went to school with some of them, too. They even made up nasty rumours about me. It all just bounces right off me."

"It's not the same, and I refuse to put you through it..."

"Do you love me, Remus?"

"If I tell you no, will you leave me alone?"

"Like hell I will."

"Well, then, it's besides the point, isn't it?" he grumbled.

"Do you love me?" Her eyes were shining with love and a small smile of triumph was on her lips. She started to reach for his hand. He pulled it away as if it had been burned.

"Go away, Tonks."

"Remus…"

He suddenly stood up and glared down at her. The muscle next to his eye was pulsating. "Will you just leave me the hell alone! Get a bloody clue, little girl! I don't want to be with you!"

Never, never before had she heard Remus lose his temper. His eyes were blazing, and he wore an expression of disgust. She stared at him in shock for a moment, then, overwhelmed by hurt, rose from the chair and walked quickly back to the house.

As she reached the door, she met up with Moody, who had been coming to fetch her for Dumbledore. He took in her white face and tear-filled eyes, and looked past her to the garden. His thunderstruck eyes met Remus' defiant ones. He turned around to walk Tonks into the dining room. His magical eye still on Remus, he watched him slump back into his chair, shaking, and bury his head in his hands.

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! I have been working on this for a few months, but was having trouble getting this posted on another site, so was getting discouraged.This is as far as I have gotten. I have half of chapter eight written, it should be up in a few days. I hope to write the story going up to Tonks' declaration besides Bill's hospital bed and beyond! Harry only saw Tonks as pathetic and broken for most of the year, but I promise, in my story she will do a lot more than sit around and pine for Remus. Thanks for reading!