Chapter Eight

And You Must Crush the Love in your Heart, and I the Love in Mine!

"Did you seduce that girl, Lupin?"

"Did I what?" Oh, bloody hell, he thought. Of all people to find out it had to be the one person I can't get away from. Does that stupid eye see everything?

They were cleaning up the remnants of the meetingtransfiguring the chairs into the objects that they had been before.

"You heard me, and you know what I'm talking about. You two've been acting odd since Sirius died, and it's not just grief. Did you seduce her?"

Remus slumped into Moody's hideous brown recliner, and threw his head back in fatigue. He took a deep breath, rubbed his temples and brought his head forward again. "No, I did not seduce Tonks," he said, steadily.

He looked at Moody with very tired eyes. "She's…Oh, shit, maybe I did. I don't know. It just sort of happened. No, scratch that, I hate that bloody line. I knew what I was doing. I think she did, too. But it's not what you're thinking. I'm not some dirty old pervert going around seducing young women; this was completely out of character for me. I mean, she's, well she's rather remarkable, isn't she?"

Moody just stared back at him, his face grim, but his mouth twitched a little. Remus couldn't tell if it was anger or laughter. He bowed his head, rested his elbows on his knees, and continued, "This was not anything sordid, Alastor. We just…helped each other through a bad time and it went a bit too far. But I'm dealing with it."

"So why'd you make her cry tonight?"

Ah, now we come to the point, don't we? Anything other than honesty will undoubtedly bite you in the arse, Moony. And Occlumency only works when your mind is clear.

He sighed"She thinks we're going to live happily ever after. I know better."

Moody stared at him for a long moment. "If that's the way you feel, why couldn't you remember that before you got her into bed? She's your comrade, man! You should have known better! And now of all times! Your timing couldn't have been worse."

"Yes, yes, I should never have touched her. Yes, I have been beating myself up for it for weeks. Yes, I know I'm not good enough for her. You couldn't say anything that could make me feel worse than I already do." He stood up and walked to the fire, warming his hands. There was a pewter mirror hanging over the mantle. He looked at Moody through it, and saw that he was staring angrily at the back door.

"Do you do this every time any of your team members sleep together, or is it just me? It can't be the first time it's happened."

Moody turned and fixed his eyes on the younger man, who was watching him warily through the mirror. "Remus, I've known you for over fifteen years. I like you. You're a good man. But, I've always had a soft spot for that kid, too. She's fearless. I don't like to see her hurt. You hurt her pretty bad today, and that's not like you. I don't need a couple of lovesick soldiers on my hands."

"She would hurt a lot more if I gave her what she wants. She'll get over this eventually. I apologise if this affects the team, but I am hoping to make a clean, quick break. I would appreciate if you wouldn't assign us to anything together for a while."

Moody nodded his assent. After a while, he spoke again, so quietly it was difficult to hear him. "How long is it going to take for you to get over it, Remus?"

Lupin shook his head and looked away. Eventually he turned and started to walk toward the stairs.

"My daughter would have been about her age, or a few years older, if she'd lived."

Remus spun around and looked at Moody in shock. "Daughter? I didn't know you were…"

"My wife died when she was carrying her. You would have been at school, then."

He walked back to the chair and sat down, leaning toward the old Auror. "Oh, Alastor…I'm so…you never mentioned…"

"Hard to imagine anyone choosing to marry me, eh?" Moody gave out a bark of laughter and met Lupin's astonished expression with a wry smile. "I wasn't always this scary-looking, not that I was ever any great prize. We went to school together. We'd been married for nearly twenty years when we found out she was knocked up. It was a bit of a shock; we'd given up hope years before." He smiled again and shook his head.

"I'd always thought it was better if I didn't have kids, with my line of work, but I couldn't have been happier when she told me, or more terrified. Doreen, that was my wife, she was a Healer, worked on the 'Dangerous Dai Llewellyn' Ward…"

"Dear God, Alastor, I remember her! When I was a child. She was…lovely, I still see her in my dreams, sometimes. She made me laugh, and held me when I was frightened. She sat up with me all night one time, reading to me from books about a place called Oz."

"She was always drawn to the little ones, especially Greyback's victims. She was a…brilliant Healer, quick, smart. But she tripped over her own feet terribly, when she wasn't working." He chuckled for a moment. "Sometimes I thought she was only doing it to get a laugh out of me. She never was one to put up with my grouchiness for very long. Such a tiny little thing, but she knew how to put me in my place with just a look."

He was quiet for a long time, reminiscing.

"What happened, Alastor?"

"Rabastan Lestrange." Moody said shortly. "I'm sure of it. But I never got any proof, and he never admitted anything. I just came home and found her, dead. Poison. That was one of his specialties. You have no idea what it took for me to let the Dementors have him."

"Gods, Alastor, I'm so sorry…"

"Not looking for sympathy, Remus."

Remus paused, trying to understand why Moody would be so uncharacteristically candid.

"Are you trying to tell me that you feel a paternal interest in Tonks?"

"Wouldn't know how to be a father. Never got the chance. I just thought you might like to know that I…well, I understand, I guess."

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What the hell? He understands? He knows nothing, nothing about me. He got to have a family, even for only twenty years. That would be more than enough time for me. But he was never a danger to her, was he? Well, maybe he was. But I'll bet people didn't look at them with hatred and disgust. He got to have a life to be proud of while he was with her, didn't he? And why the hell is it any of his business anyway? Nosy bastard! Can't wait to get out of his house! Bloody hell, Nymphadora, why did you have to touch me again? I can't bear it!

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Tonks huddled naked on the ceramic floor of her new bathtub, her chin resting on her knees while the scalding water washed away her tears. Ohgodohgodohgodohgod, I am such a fool! All of my carefully laid plans of cool contempt and I had to go and beg him on my knees to tell me he loves me. And still he rejected me. Have I been living in a dream world? I am never going to get past this. I am just fooling myself. I will never feel this way about anyone else, and I have to see this bastard over and over again, work with him. Tonks, you clumsy oaf, you had to go and make the most humiliating fall of your life. Buggger! Arsehole! Idiot! 'Little girl!' How dare you call me a little girl, you miserable old hermit!

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"Molly, you've made the best shepherd's pie in the country, I'm sure of it. Will you give me the recipe?"

"Only if you marry into the family, Tonks, dear. But have another helping, do." Molly stood over her dinner guest, serving spoon in hand, and patted her shoulder.

"Nah, I'm about to burst at the seams. Where d'you want me to take my plate?"

"Never you mind that, love, the children will see to it. You and I are going to have a little girl talk over my blackberry brandy." The pleasant but authoritative tone of her voice made Tonks think of her mother, when she was about to force a particularly unpleasant healing potion on her.

"Oh, my, but you do play dirty. I have heard tales of your brandy. I'm not stupid enough to pass up that kind of invitation. Even my Mum has heard of it, and begged me to try and swipe your recipe."

"We'll send her a bottle then, by all means."

The two women sat down by the fire. Molly picked up her knitting from the basket next to her shabby chair. Tonks poured the brandy into two mismatched glasses. She took a sip and groaned in pleasure. "Oh, Molly, you really are amazing. So, which of your sons is available to be used by me purely for your cookbook?"

"Now, be serious, Tonks, dear. You would tell me, wouldn't you?"

"Tell you what, Molly?"

"Is it one of my boys who has broken your heart?"

Tonks' mouth opened and closed a few times like a fish out of water. "Um…my heart is not broken. Whoever said?"

Molly merely looked at her guest with an expression of exasperation.

Tonks looked away and drained her glass. She stood up and walked toward the kitchen, pushing the door open a little to make sure that Ginny, Hermione and Ron were not eavesdropping, and no telltale flesh coloured string was on the floor.

She sat down and refilled her glass. "No, Molly, none of your boys has broken my heart. Whatever would make you think…"

"I was thinking of how very lovely you looked at King's Cross that day. How your face glowed with happiness. Then I came home to spend some time with my future daughter-in-law, and I thought, 'wouldn't it be wonderful if it was my Bill that was making you glow like that?' Then I thought, 'well, I have other sons, who knows?' Of course, it was all wishful thinking, but when I saw you last night, I knew instantly that you had a broken heart, and I thought I'd better ask, anyway. I mean, it's not that farfetched, is it? I do have six handsome men, don't I? Well, seven, if you count their father."

"Oh, Molly, you're going to make me cry. And Merlin knows, I wish I had fallen in love with one of your boys. None of them would have been as stubborn..."

Molly gave her a look of astonishment. "Not stubborn? You have met my children, haven't you?"

"Stupid of me, I meant stubbornly noble." She looked at Molly's baffled smile, and said, "I guess any of your boys would have been stubbornly noble, too, huh?"

Molly nodded, sagely.

"Is it a trait that men in general share, or is it just Gryffindors?"

"Oh, so he's a Gryffindor man, is he? They are a trial, aren't they? I've often wondered if I shouldn't have married myself a nice Hufflepuff. But you can't choose who you fall in love with, can you?" Her eyes were filled with sympathy and kindness.

Tonks shook her head, blinking back tears. Three weeks of wildly fluctuating emotions, of putting on a brave face while her life kept deteriorating around her, got to be too much to bear alone. "I'm just…lost. I know what I feel. I'm sure I know how he feels…or I thought I did. No, I'm sure. But he chucked me 'for my own good', and every time I think I've gotten through to him, he gets cold and angry, which makes me question myself. Then I think I imagined the whole thing, and I wonder why I ever thought he might love me, I'm just stupid and clumsy…"

Molly's eyes blazed with indignation. "Stop that kind of talk, Tonks, I won't have it. You are lovely and intelligent and good, and very special, and yes, a little clumsy, but it's endearing, and we wouldn't have you any other way."

Tonks attempted a wavering smile, then the tears finally spilled out of her eyes and she sobbed into her hands, "Oh, Molly, I don't know what I'm going to do…"

Mrs. Weasley stood up and crossed the sitting room rug to pull the younger woman into a motherly embrace. She patted her back and murmured comforting words until she calmed. She then tugged her toward a couch and sat down next to her, holding her hands in her own. "You know, dear, if there is one thing that I am rather an expert on, it would have to be the way men's minds work. I grew up with two brothers and have raised six. I'd be happy to listen and help you to work through your problem."

"I wish I could, Molly, but he is very a very private person, and I don't think I ought to."

"He isn't married, is he?"

"Oh, Merlin, no!"

"Well, why don't you tell me a little more about it, but just don't mention his name?"

"Well, the problem, his biggest one, if I tried to explain it, would give away the whole thing."

"So, you've had to keep your heartache to yourself?"

Tonks nodded, mutely.

"That must be so hard for you, dear! What about your parents, or a girlfriend?"

"I would have to give away too many secrets just to explain the situation."

"So it's someone in the Order, then."

Tonks nodded again. She could tell by Molly's expression that her mind was racing through the possibilities. She thought she might as well boldly press forward, but her words came out in a jumble. "You see, we have been friends, and a little while back, we sort of, got together unexpectedly, and it was so amazing, and everything seemed fine afterwards, and I realized that I had been falling in love with him, and I was so sure he loved me too, but then he chucked me and said that it was all a mistake, and he had no future to offer me."

She took a deep breath, realizing how stupid and juvenile she sounded.

It took Molly a few moments to digest it all. Finally she said, gently, "You know not to believe a man if he only says he loves you in bed, don't you, dear?"

"He never actually said he loved me," Tonks admitted with a blush.

"Oh, Tonks…" There was a hint of exasperation in her voice.

"Really, Molly, I know that I must sound stupid and naïve. Let me try and redeem myself. I know this man. He's not a womanizer. He wasn't just trying to get into my knickers. The reason I am so sure that he loves me, well, it's hard to put into words, but I just know. Every thing he did that night, the look on his face, the way he said my name, I just…know."

Molly looked at her with pity etched on her features.

"Molly… oh, bloody hell, it's Remus, okay?"

Mrs. Weasley's eyes widened, and she sputtered, "Stupidly noble…for your own good…no future…of all things…Oh, Tonks, have you any idea what you are getting yourself into? And Remus, of all people…ought to have known better. But, he wouldn't have let it happen if he didn't mean it, would he?"

"You mean gone to bed with me? Molly, he's thirty-six years old; he'd had to have done it and 'not meant it' lots of times before."

"That's not what I meant, exactly. I just never imagined, I mean, he's not the type of man to take advantage of you if…"

Tonks could feel her cheeks blazing, but she felt she'd better clear up any illusions Molly might be harboring. "I'm not an innocent little girl, Molly, and he is well aware of this. I used to bring he and Sirius a weekly report on my love life, just to give them a laugh. I'm more than able to tell the difference between casual sex and making love."

"But Tonks, girls your age tend to fall 'deeply in love' every other week! Is it possible that you have fallen in love with the romance of the whole situation? Or that your feelings have been magnified because the world has gotten so frightening lately? It does tend to happen in a war, you know." She lowered her voice and looked at the kitchen door. "And as far as noticing the difference in bed, well, there may be a great deal of difference between these boys that you've known and Remus. Men do tend to become better lovers as they get older: less selfish, more tender."

"I've thought of all that. But it seems to me that you found your true love a lot younger than I did, if my math skills are in working order." Molly blushed a little and her expression softened.

"And, to address your second point, and make you blush a little more, it had nothing to do with technique. I just…felt it in my heart, and saw it in his eyes. There was so much more…but I am sure that he would be mortified if he knew we were discussing him like this. I should probably stop."

Molly walked back to her brandy glass and finished it off. She poured another glass for each of them and handed one to Tonks, sitting beside her again.

"So when did he 'chuck" you, dear?"

"That day, after King's Cross. Six days after we slept together, five of which I spent at Azkaban. I suspect he may have decided to do it sometime near the full moon."

"And his reasons…"

"Well, at first, he tried to act like it was just one of those things, and we'd never suit as a couple. Then, last night, he gave me this long speech listing all the ways he would ruin my life. I tried to tell him it doesn't matter, but he just got angry."

"But dear, have you really thought about all that? His life must be quite awful to bear. Are you absolutely certain that you want to take all of that upon yourself? Merlin knows, if anybody has a right to be bitter and angry, he does. But, he wouldn't be easy to live with, not to mention what the rest of the world would think."

"How can you say that, Molly? He is the most compassionate, most generous person I know. He's calm, and reasonable, and gentle. He would be a joy to live with; easy to talk to, decent to the core."

Mrs. Weasley reached for one of the younger woman's hands, squeezing gently. "Oh, no, Tonks, you quite mistake me. Remus is one of the best men I know. But, dear, nobody is that calm all the time. He seems to be so terribly concerned with doing the right thing, not giving others more reasons to hate him. He must be keeping an extremely tight reign on his emotions every minute of the day. Who knows what he is like when he loses control? He has a terrible affliction, one that affects his thoughts and feelings as much as his body. Have you ever considered that?"

"And that is what I have been trying to explain! I saw him lose control of his feelings, and it was beautiful, Molly! I have no fear of him. I know I could trust him with my life. And he needs me, I just know it! I could help to give him peace and comfort. He wouldn't have to face the world alone. If he would only listen, I could make him see…" The fervent expression on her face crumpled into despair.

"Oh, my darling girl, you'll have such a long, hard fight ahead of you. He is struggling to hold onto his pride and dignity, and would only see giving in as taking advantage of you. They do so hate it when they have to rely on us for support; it seems to offend their sense of masculinity. And think of it, my dear, everybody in his life has let him down in one way or another. It will take a near miracle for him to trust you." She put her arm around the younger woman, looking deeply in her eyes. "If you love him enough, it would be worth the struggle. You could be the best thing that ever happened to him. I've seen how you make him laugh. He desperately needs some unconditional love in his life. He deserves it, to be sure, but doesn't think he deserves it, and would have no idea what to do with it. But you will need to be stronger than you ever knew you could be to make it happen and see it through. Are you sure you are up for it?"

She sighed. "I am, but I guess I'm just a little tired of making a fool of myself."

"I have made a fool of myself over Arthur Weasley more times than I could possibly count. If you are not willing to risk your dignity, you may as well give up now."

Tonks smiled ruefully. "Well, if there's one thing I'm good at, it's making a damn fool of myself. I'll just have to be more stubborn than he is, won't I? If my parents could take on the entire House of Black, I'm sure I can take on one mopey werewolf." She took a deep breath and rubbed her eyes, then looked at the other woman with a smile of wry amusement. "My mum always told me I'm a horrible nag when I want something really badly. I just have to plan a strategy."

"That's my girl." Molly smiled proudly and then her eyes widened. "Oh, my, look at the time! Let's go into the kitchen, shall we? I could use a little tea right now; this brandy has nearly put me to sleep. I have so much to do before Harry gets here tomorrow."

"I'd probably better let you get to it, then…"

"Oh, no, dear, I wasn't asking you to go! In fact, I would love it if you would stay at least until Arthur gets here in about half an hour. I do worry so when I am here by myself."

"What can I do to help, Molly?"

"Oh, nothing, you're my guest…well, actually why don't you check that all the kids are in bed…their own beds, mind you, and I will start on the tea, and those buns I wanted to serve tomorrow, and maybe some onion soup for lunch…"

"Molly..."

"Yes, Tonks?"

"Thanks…for everything."

"I'm always here for you, dear. I hope you know that."