Breakdown Chapter 2 - Ti Amo

Enjoy

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How would you find someone dear to you? How would you even begin to look? It seems impossible and everything seems lost at first. You think that it really can't be possible, that the person is gone forever. Or maybe hurt. And all these thoughts hurt you inside. You feel ungrateful, helpless, hopeless, and sad. And pretty soon your world is spinning. You look through every crowd, every splotch of darkness, and nowhere can they be found. Please, You beg, don't let them be hurt. Please, bring them back to me. As if all the hard work can be done for you. But no. It can't. And as much as you plead and beg those of higher authority than you they don't appear. It's like losing a loved one. At first the thought doesn't hit you, but pretty soon a lump begins to grow in your throat and tears well up in your eyes and you let yourself go. Why couldn't it have been you? Why them? They fought so hard for their life, why couldn't you fight their battles? You're the strong one. Right?

Oh, Axel..

How am I ever to find you? Darkness. People go there when they die then..? Or if not there, where? There is no Heaven and Hell for a Nobody. There's only Darkness and Light, right? I'm starting to remember. Slowly. Everything that was taken from me is coming back. That voice from before. I can place a name to it, but are these my memories or his? Kairi. That was her name. Namine and Kairi have the same voice; it's soft and calm. Like maybe they're the same person too. Like us. Must be.

Never mind all that. I need to focus. Axel. Axel. Axel. AXEL!

I can't stand this! The more I think about him, his name, the more I want him to be here. All right, calm it down. Nothing to get worked up about, right? If only I'd been there for his last moments of life. I might have an idea of where to find him. Beauty in the Breakdown. What does that mean? Breakdown…

And just like that my eyes were opened. Like a door was unlocked, but something didn't seem right. My vision was sort of white but color was obvious. Swirling colors surrounded me, pinks and greens and blues and whites, all making a sort of tunnel towards a black portal. Sickly looking green emanated from it and I blinked a few times, trying to gain hold of my senses. I was still myself, right? I could see my blonde locks in my eyes and brush against my lashes as my they opened and closed with the minute. But I also saw a duck and a dog-like thing, walking toward me. They surprised me a bit and I took a step back but they paid me no mind and walked right past me.

And that was when I heard it. His voice. Axel's.

"Sora..Kairi, I did kidnap her but Saix took her away from me and locked her in the dungeon…"

His voice was weak, barely audible from here and I turned quickly, eyes filled with excitement. But they soon lost that flame as I saw his black form on the ground, his whole body being broken down. It was fading away into nothing and there Sora was, kneeled down beside him. No…He was dying. And I just found him too. But, this was important. His death, his whole death right before my eyes! I could find him better now. This might prove to be quite useful. But as I watched him continue to speak I began to feel horrible. He was dying.. That realization came on too quick and that lump formed in my throat, he can't die. I don't know why but he just can't. I..He..

My thoughts were fumbling and I watched through squinted eyes as Axel told Sora even more of Kairi's whereabouts. Being part of Organization IIX was one of the most risky things I'd done with that period of my life. And Axel made that entire time feel like nothing. He made every day seem like a normal job, and never once did I get hurt. Him and me were the closest of all the members, maybe even the first friends out of them all. It was no doubt all of them were just in it because they felt they had no heart or feelings. They didn't want to try and gain the feelings or any of that. Their goal was to steal them from someone else. But Axel and I found our own peace, our own friendship. And our own love with each other. And then…and then I left. I broke that. I made him sad. I made him regret and I might've even created hope in him. Just once… I wanted to apologize before he died.

"Roxas.. He made me feel.. Like I had a heart.."

My eyes widened and my hands began to shake. His words were melting away the air around me, carving their way into my brain, repeating over and over. Sweat trickled down my brow as the lump grew a bit and tears welled hot in the back of my eyes. Oh, Axel.. I love you for who you are. I love how imperfect you were, how cheerful you were, I loved almost everything about you. My friend. I'm sorry. I never..Apologized.

I took a shaky step forward, not really able to control the slow tears as they slipped from the captivity of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. Each step I took felt like a day, and each of those days seemed to turn into weeks and months and years. How long had it been since I'd seen him? How long had it been since I'd left? I sucked in a breath, shuddering as I kneeled down beside Sora and watched Axel fade even more. Going, leaving me. No, don't, stop. I would give anything to have you back. I sucked in another breath, realizing this was all coming at once. My friend, Axel, Never ever let me go. Before I knew it my arms were around his fading form, going through him as I tried to hold him close. Sora couldn't see me, neither could the duck or dog, it was just I, alone in this universe. My eyes had shut tightly and I forced my lips to his, though all they did was go through, heart beating hard into my chest. It felt about to break through my chest cavity and hit the floor, but it didn't.

And..He was gone. I was holding myself, teeth grinding together. Tears slowly dropped from my eyes as I pressed my hands to the ground beneath us and shut them tightly. I will find you, I promise. I promise you, I will never give up. My tears plopped onto land, quickly dissolving into nothing. And the world around me had changed. Vast nothingness had formed into some sort of floating island. Or was it floating? My fingers curled through sand and I pulled myself up to look around. My tears had dried so fast and all that pain and anger I had felt had been swept away with the ocean that pushed itself on shore and just under my shoes. It was replaced. By a feeling I couldn't name, but it felt like a sort of hopeless bliss. This island wasn't floating, it was where I began. Where I first heard their voices. This island wasn't where I wanted to be. Quickly I laid down on my back, shutting my eyes tightly, fists clenching the sand with ease.

I wanted to find Axel, not play around on this dumb island. This wasn't my home, this wasn't happy. This place was filled with grief, although all I felt was bliss, and it was a place I didn't want to be. Home, think of it, Twilight Town, I want to see my friends, the townsfolk, everyone. I want to sleep in my bed; I want to go there. Maybe there, Axel would still be. The last place I saw him. But nothing happened, and when I opened my eyes and sat up I was still on this little beach, overlooking the ocean that seemed to go for miles. An uncharted ocean, and this small island were in the middle of nowhere.

But there was nothing I could do. No way to get home, no way to find him. I was stuck. Slowly I stood, brushing my pants off and taking one last look at the ocean before I moved back towards the small dock, two boats floating along side it. This was it.

--

Burning. Even in the grave he burned, becoming a fossil and locking into the rock. He was dying with each passing moment but something was keeping him alive. Nobodies cannot become Somebody's. But what if they are given the power to love, to care for another, and cherish that feeling? Then are they somebody?

Slowly piercing green eyes opened and red spiked hair floated up with a man who was long gone. But in this world he lived, he lived all by himself, and went on believing that he'd never see what he longed for again. Not even the titans could return to him what was most precious. He patted off his chest, his muscles rippling underneath tight tan skin as he sat up and picked up his coat. Gazing down to it he felt something grow in his chest and his brow inclined. Roxas..

It had become such a wonderful name to say, even in his head, he could just let it ring and be happy. But right now it felt as if that name itself was in trouble. Not necessarily painful trouble, but emotional trouble. He wondered why it was he was feeling this now. It might've been the black coat. It was his, but he had another. One that belonged to Roxas, one he'd cherished in this strange afterlife, though in this life he lived on an island. There was no kept time, everything seemed to drain and days passed without number, so he had no idea how long he'd been there, but he'd been there long enough to figure it out. Without any effort whatsoever he pulled the coat over his arms, making sure that they fit, and zipped it up. He slipped out of the room, forgetting about his boots and about whose house he was in. Sora's.

Here, no one else existed but him. He'd been given complete peace and solitude on the assumption he wanted it. Strange, the thing he wanted never came. Never once, even though both of them were gone. He supposed Roxas was somewhere else, in a different place, away from him. He was sure the blonde didn't feel the same, he was sure that it was all in his mind. But lately he'd been having strange dreams, dreams about his death, dreams about Roxas being there, hugging him, kissing him even, crying for him. He wasn't sure if it was supposed to mean anything or just be a fantasy of his.

Either way, he went on ignoring it and pushed open the beautifully carved door, allowing the light to filter into the small loft. Green eyes squinted and he pulled his unclothed hand up to shield them. As soon as he stepped further out though he could let his hand drop to his side and permit the spacious sand and sea to fill his vision and imagination with wonder. A faint smile pulled at his lips and for a moment he just watched as the ocean moved rhythmically and the birds squawked. No matter how lonely he was this view never got old and never ceased to be his companion. The beauty of the sparkling water as the waves rippled over each other and dampened the crunchy sand, the vibrant colors of the flowers and exotic plants around his home, the browns in the dock, the blues, the greens, the yellows, the oranges, the pinks. So amazing. He took a deep breath and shut his eyes a moment allowing a chuckle to erupt from his throat and his hair to be played with by the winds.

And that's when it became clear, blonde hair, just over one of the dips that led down to the water. It was flowing lightly, being pushed around like feathers through the air. As opposed to his hair which burned up like wildfire, but he knew that hair. He'd recognize it anywhere. And the hair seemed to be lifted up, and next thing he knew he was seeing bright blue crystals, looking painfully to the sand as the white cloth of the boy's jacket was pulled in the wind. His eyes moved up from the sands to the dark-dressed figure and Axel's green eyes met blue, wide with shock.

"Roxas.."

The name rolled off his tongue like warm milk, sliding and slipping it's way from his lips and floating out into the air where it was caught and carried by the winds. It couldn't be. Both thought the same thoughts, unable to get anything out but the other's name, and the boy lulled the name softly.

"Axel..!"

It was all they could do, stare in pure disbelief, like it was a dream, like they were utterly lost in it, and everything around them no longer existed. The sea was melting away with the sand and the plants and the boards, it was all leaving. Neither one of them moved, neither one of them wanted to disturb the air and to make the dream disappear. It was too perfect for Axel and too unreal for Roxas.

Roxas was first, he scrambled up from the sands, kicking some of it up with him and allowing it to wiz past him in the winds as he trudged up the beach. Axel was waiting, standing on the boards that led to the dock and watching the other, brow inclined with worry. It had to be a fantasy, right? Just another one of his odd dreams, right? He was still asleep. He kept telling himself, over and over, he was asleep, and he must have been. There was no way, not even if this was his afterlife that he'd be here. But every moment he thought about it the blonde kept coming closer. But his pace was slow, and his face was twisted in confusion and pain. Axel didn't know why, he couldn't even begin to explain what he was feeling and it was becoming too much. His green orbs snapped shut tightly and he took a shaky step back, hands running up through his hair as he murmured quietly to himself. "Wake up..Wake up.."

The blonde pulled himself up onto the dock, walking more, more, what seemed like a hundred steps was only five and soon he was right before the other. He felt faint, legs weak from just that walk, and his eyes slowly closed as his hands instinctively took hold of the other's coat and he fell into him.

"Axel.. I can't believe it's you. It's really you.." He mumbled in a soft tone, a quirky smile on his lips as he slid slowly to the ground.

The red-haired man had no time to think, just react. He quickly caught the other under his arms and lifted him up, trying to be as gentle as possible as he cradled him. The blonde's words ran through his mind, and he thought about them while gazing down into the creamy face he loved so dearly. Maybe this wasn't a dream, maybe this wasn't a fantasy, and maybe this was real for him. He longed to feel the warmth of the boy's skin, the feel of his beating heart, the things that would prove to him he was really there. But instead he took the chance. With a faint smile, a sad smile, he nodded slowly and turned back to the small house, carrying Roxas back to it. Sometimes you had to take risks; sometimes you had to bask in the waters of a fantasy no matter how long it lasts or how much it may hurt you when it ends. He might as well enjoy the company while it was there.

--

Could it be real? Was Axel really there?

What was this place? It seemed so familiar, so comfortable. Like home. That sand, that water, it was the place I started out. He seemed so real though, and I fell into him, then..then…

Roxas shot up, chest rising up and down quickly as sweat broke down his brow and his blue eyes opened wide. Panic had run through him in those very thoughts and he was scared a moment until he noticed the blanket covering his legs. Then he saw the floor, covered in dirty laundry and carved toys, and he calmed. It was almost like a welcome home sign to him, the posters on the wall and old children's drawings on the knitted rug. It was his room, technically speaking. His panting slowed and he reached up, rubbing his brow and moving some of his blonde streaks out of his eyes. It must've been a dream, yet..

He lifted the blanket off himself, his shoes having been taken off by someone and set beside the bed with his socks stuffed inside them. His small white over shirt had been set on the back of a chair that stood in a corner of the room, and he had been left in his loose black tang top. Sitting there a moment and staring down at his bare feet he thought. It was strange, he had been feeling so very ill not too long ago, sad, remorseful, blissful. It had seemed he'd given up all hope about something important.

The door to the room clicked open, allowing a certain spiky-haired male to enter, and as his green eyes peered around the door curiously he stopped. Even Roxas held his breath a moment and slapped a hand over his mouth in shock, cheeks burning bright red. That's right, that something important was Axel, and that was no dream. The older male watched him a moment, blinking before he stepped inside, and shut the door behind him, a dampened rag in hand.

For a long time both of them were silent, Axel rearranging the others Shirt and soaking the towel in the water pale that sat in the chair, and Roxas staring at him in disbelief. By that time the blonde had let his hand drop to his lap, but his cheeks were still warmed with a glowing red. Breaking the silence soon enough the Red-haired man moved over to the younger male who jumped, one leg falling off the bed as he turned quickly to face him. As Axel tried to press the towel to his brow he winced and reached up, gently pushing it away. "W-What's going on?" He stammered nervously, not sure how to act around his old friend now that he had proclaimed to himself he loved him.

He looked at the blonde matter-of-factly, pressing the rag to his brow despite his protests. "You fainted into me. What else was I to do? Let you lie there on the dock and get burned? The sun is brutal this time of the year.."

He talked as if he'd lived there his whole life and had already figured the time and climate. Roxas made a pouting face and looked off to the side as he was tended to, not really having figured out how to rid himself of that blush yet. "I mean how is this possible? How are you on this..this..island?"

Axel finally finished and set the rag aside, blinking a bit as he looked down to the blonde. "It's my home." He paused, looking up thoughtfully. "I suppose..After us nobodies 'die' we get a choice. To be brought back to life with a heart or to bask in a place you've always dreamed of and with everything you've ever wanted. I chose the latter.."

The younger male fell silent, watching him, the blush fading from his cheeks as he thought that over. He chose a life without a heart? Why? It would've been so much better than living on this island all alone with no one. His brow inclined and he looked up at the other, frowning. "Why…? You could've had a happy life with a heart, all of us wanted that."

The answer was so simple, so small though. He had no idea if he could say it or if this dream would end if he did. He was scared to find out, to even test it. But what if this was real? Then it would make every difference in the world. He had to take the chance. Slowly Axel murmured, "Because a life with a heart would be nothing without you…"

Blue eyes widened as Roxas felt heat build in the back of his sockets. Tears were threatening to push through but he wasn't allowing them to fall and his hands curled into fists as he felt his legs shaking. It was so wonderful, the feeling those words gave him. A light weight seemed to be lifted off his shoulders and he felt that same guilt rise up in the pit of his stomach. So beautiful, and he'd waited this long, Axel had, for those feelings to be returned. Those feelings of love, warmth, and all Roxas had given him was sadness and remorse. Reaching up slowly, his fists uncurling as his shaky fingers curled around the fabric of the black coat, Roxas gently pulled his head into the other's stomach, eyes shutting tightly. Tears pushed out from their bars and slid down his cheeks as he swallowed hard and breathed heavily. "Oh, Axel…I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. For everything I've done, for leaving you, for not remembering you, for forgetting you. I can't believe I ever did, because you're the best thing that's ever happened to me…"

Axel, not really sure why the other was apologizing, Hesitated a little. In fact he hated seeing Roxas cry like this. It was really a first for him, and he slowly wrapped his arms around the other's waist, pulling him up from the bed and close. He rested his chin on the other's messy-haired head and closed his eyes, cooing softly to him. "Shh, it's alright. Calm down. You don't need to apologize for anything." A faint smile curled his lips as he ran his hand up the other's back soothingly, the sensation of the fabric against his fingers mesmerizing. "I would forgive even if I was mad. So cheer up, we're here now, so let's make the best of it, got it memorized?"

That sounded more like the old Axel and hearing that Roxas could feel the hair on his neck rise. For some strange reason he was just so excited, being held by the man he loved, who wouldn't be? He rubbed his eyes on his hands and let go of the other's coat, sniffling up a bit before forcing a weak smile up to the older male. "You know…I've been looking for you."

"You have…? Why's that…?" The red-haired man gazed down to the other with those piercing green eyes, letting them fill with pleasure at the sight of the blonde just under him a looking adorable no less.

Roxas arched his back a bit, feeling more confident about their situation but still letting in A bit of red warmth to fill his cheeks as he looked off to the side and pressed up closer to the other. "Because…" He paused, wrinkling his nose before he pulled himself up to be head level with the red-haired man, arms wrapping around his neck as his hands ran through his spikes. He was quick, but so was Axel, and he easily supported him, closing his eyes as he felt the younger male's heavy breath run across his cheek and his lips brush his own. For a moment the blonde just hovered above the other, lips moving fast as he spoke. "…I love you." Roxas ran a hand across the other's cheek as he avidly pressed his lips down onto Axel's.

Eager for the enticing taste of the blonde, Axel didn't deny the lips, in fact he, just as equally hungry, pressed his against the others. His hands, though, were allowing themselves free access to the black cloth that loosely clung to the younger male's body, and he fumbled a bit as he pulled it out from the captivity of the pants. Slowly he ran his hands up the slender sides of lean form above him and he felt the other's legs curl around his waist. His knees were growing weak, he couldn't hold up like this for much longer, and it was somewhat shocking to be kissed like this. Especially by Roxas, since the only time this had ever happened was in his fantasies, which were just as estranged as this. No matter what he thought he made sure not to waste this opportunity that had been so graciously given to him. Gently he pressed the blonde down onto the bed, moving him up so as to rest his head on the pillow and rest his legs down between his knees. He pulled away fro the kiss, panting heavily, eyes of a man who had been away for a while cast over the younger male.

"This isn-"

Roxas cut him off. "Don't speak. Please.."

--

When morning came there was no stopping it. There was no taking anything that had previously been done back. It was just morning and it would change nothing in both the males minds, or so they thought. What had been given to them was an opportunity, a pleasure that each of them had wanted and each of them had yearned for. And those dreams and those wants could be easily taken away from them and out of their grasp because they weren't the ones in control. They had no idea where they really were, on an island. Which island? Who knew? It didn't matter to them, because they slept blissfully without a care in the world. All that mattered was that they were with each other and that they had the one they loved dearly close.

But as Axel's green pools opened slowly and he gazed over to his side where his most beloved Roxas would be he found that that wasn't true. He wasn't there, he was gone, and a body that was supposed to be lying beside him, gone. The warmth, gone. The soft hair, gone. The baby blue eyes, gone. The soft skin, gone. His eyes widened and he quickly sat up, the sheets falling down to just cover his waist as he frantically looked around. The room was empty, not even his clothes were there. Not even a trace of him had been left behind. His brow inclined as he scrambled out of bed and quickly pulled on his slacks, forgetting about his boxers and stumbling out of the room. He stomped through the house, looking in every room, gone. He burst out the front door, eyes searching the beach, the water, the trees, the dock, the waterfall. Gone. Heat was applying pressure at the back of his eyes and he swallowed hard, his mouth dry all the sudden.

He left? Why? Was he lying to me? Why would he? I don't understand. Did they take him away? Why? Why would they?

His thoughts ran as tears pushed from his eyes and slid down his cheeks. His gaze was directed out to the sea and it seemed like nothing else mattered at all. Don't be gone. Come back. Don't leave me. Not after you've said you loved me. Not after that. Please don't leave like this. It just can't be.

"Roxas…Where are you?"