Chapter Twelve

For Each Ecstatic Instant we Must an Anguish Pay.

The wolf ran free for the first time in years. He tore through the trees in the Forbidden Forest, reveling in the moonlight. He wasn't sure what he was chasing, or even if he was the one being chased. Eventually, he realized with a pang of loss that those who were supposed to run with him through this forest were conspicuously absent, and that he was pining for his pack. He began to search desperately. Ahead of him he thought he saw a glimpse of an antler, a swish of shaggy tail, small beady eyes and a rustling in the underbrush, but it always vanished quickly, just out of his reach.

Suddenly, the trees opened up and he found himself at the edge of the lake. He bent down to lap up the icy water, which burned down his raw throat. His sensitive ears picked up a snapping noise somewhere close behind him, and he froze in fear for a moment, then bolted back up the slope of the mountain. As he ran, he heard pounding footsteps crashing through the underbrush, his pursuer not even bothering with stealth. Finally, by taking a few unexpected turns, he managed to lose his unknown enemy. He doubled back in the opposite direction and wandered to a familiar outcropping near the top of the mountain. This was one of Padfoot's favorite spots. Moony used to rest with him here, gazing out toward the lake, the castle and the town. Here, they liked to howl at the moon in perfect harmony, disturbing the slumber of the villagers across the lake. Nearby, Prongs would stand majestically at the top of the rise, with Wormtail perched on his shoulders.

Moony sat and gazed at the scene spread out below him, panting, while his heart ached from loneliness and grief. The wolf let out a soul-shattering howl of despair. Somehow, he could have sworn he heard the echoes of Padfoot joining him in his lament. He felt a presence next to him, and fought the impulse to turn. His battered heart would surely break if there were only empty space beside him.

"Why did you run from her, Moony?"

He wouldn't look; he couldn't look. It had to be his imagination. Padfoot was dead.

"Did you even know that it was her, or were you running from an unseen foe?"

"I'm not sure." But somehow he realized that he had known who it was all along.

"You are a wolf, Moony, you are the predator. You don't need to flee from anything."

"I thought if I lost her that she would go home, forget about me."

"You underestimate her."

"It's not safe for her out here, Padfoot. She needs to go home."

"Listen, Moony."

He pricked up his ears and heard a howl in the distance, one that spoke of longing and sorrow and fierce anger.

"Who is that?"

"I thought you were supposed to be the cleverest one of us."

"That is a wolf, Padfoot!"

"And you were too blind to recognize it in her from the beginning. She's a Black, Moony. Whether serpent or canine, we refuse to back down from a challenge. Fortunately she took after the canine branch of the family, and her loyalty and determination should never be underestimated. She got the Slytherin cunning, too, so don't even try to match wits with her."

"Padfoot, you can't be serious. This is absurd. She is a lovely girl, and she deserves better than me. I am weak; I am one step away from utter ruin. I am in no position to…"

"You are a wolf, Moony. You are a survivor. You are a battler. If you would only stop fighting your true nature you could be just what your pack needs. It would be a something to behold, Moony. Stop worrying about offending people. This is a war."

"I've spent my life controlling this part of me, Padfoot."

"But, didn't you enjoy letting the wolf loose last night?"

"Merlin, Sirius, you were watching?"

"Hell, all of us were. Prongs is rather proud of you. And Lily is a little jealous."

"Oh, shit…"

"Tonks has the wolf in her, too. She doesn't need your protection, but she does need your love. You want her, you need her, and you know it. But Moony, I think the three of us here agree. In spite of what you may think and how much I admire my cousin, she really is the lucky one in this relationship. Try not to fuck it all up by driving her away."

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His eyes fluttered open when he heard the water running in the room next door. He looked around the unfamiliar bedroom. It is morning, and she is getting ready for work. And you just shagged her senseless at least five times. Possibly six, if that last one wasn't a dream. And you are immensely proud of yourself. And if you were to slip into that shower right now, you could probably round it off to lucky number seven. In the shower. With the warm water running in rivulets down her firm, hot, slick little body. And you could tell her how much you love her and she would never leave you. Unless she died. Or got sick of starving. Or the dirty looks. Or mopping up after you when you can't even feed or bathe yourself on the day after the full moon. Or holding your hair while you vomit.

He growled in frustration and shook off the last few pessimistic thoughts. Tea, tea would be good. I'll make the tea, and she'll come to the kitchen table and I'll end it there, as gently as possible.

The wolf liked the shower idea better. Do you really want to make her cry again, Moony?

Tea or shower, shower or tea? The wolf won.

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Remus was smothering several pieces of toast with raspberry jam when Tonks entered the kitchen, running her hands through her scarlet hair.

"Ooh, coffee!" she squealed, and threw her arms around his waist from behind, nuzzling between his shoulder blades. "You are a useful bloke to have around, Remus Lupin. Is any of that toast for me?"

"I could probably spare you one piece," he said with a grin, slowly turning around in her arms until they faced each other. He wrapped his arms around her and kissed the top of her head. "I really had to scrounge around to find anything to eat. No wonder you've gotten so thin."

"I don't cook much. I usually head over to the pub for dinner, and I rarely eat breakfast here. But then again, I've never had such a dead sexy bloke over to cook it for me, have I?"

"Considering that you've only lived here for a few weeks, I sincerely hope that I am the first man, sexy or otherwise, to cook you breakfast here, my dear."

With a sly smirk, she stood on her tiptoes to kiss him. After they broke apart, he pulled out a chair, indicating that he wanted her to sit in it. She complied, and reached for a piece of toast, munching happily. After setting a cup of coffee in front of her, he sat in the opposite chair, sipping from his own mug. When she glanced up at him, she was surprised to find him watching her intently. Suddenly the toast began to taste a lot like cardboard, and the coffee seemed to be burning holes in her stomach.

"Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that you are trying to cushion the blow here, Remus?" She dropped the half-eaten slice of toast onto the plate in front of her.

He laughed wryly. "Here I thought I was the only pessimist in the room. I seem to be a very bad influence upon you."

She glared at him. "Well I'm learning quickly, aren't I? So tell me, Remus, are you going to let me discuss it with you at all, or are you just going to make an executive decision like last time?"

"I believe my decision is pretty firm."

"Damn it, Lupin! You sodding…"she started to stand up, leaning towards him with fury in her eyes.

"Nymphadora!" he said firmly. "Will you please let me have my say?"

He gave her a look of utmost patience and she fought the urge to break his nose with her fist. She sat back down and sighed, leaning her forehead on her hands and looking at the crumbs on the table. "Do what you will, Remus."

"I feel that I have really made a mess of things. But I would like very much to redeem myself." He reached across the table to tilt her chin up, forcing her to look into his eyes. "Nymphadora, will you let me take you out for dinner tonight?"

She shot him a petulant look. "You're going to make me agonize all day before you actually chuck me, Remus?"

"No, Nymphadora. I am asking you on a date."

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It really was much too cold and damp for a romantic picnic, but neither of them seemed to mind much. Of course, heating charms helped the situation. On a normal summer evening, Richmond Park might have been peopled with a few leftover families, a large number of dog walkers, joggers, and couples anxious to discreetly commune with nature. As it was, the few people left in the park hurried by, looking at the laughing couple as if they were positively insane.

Remus had met Tonks just outside the Ministry, with a large paper bag in his hands, refusing to divulge his plans. They ducked behind a nearby building and he guided her through their Apparition, with the insistence that she close her eyes. By the time she opened them, he had already begun laying out a conjured blanket on the grassy knoll overlooking a lake. He pulled out an astonishingly large number of containers filled with Thai take-out and a rather nice bottle of white wine. She wanted to eat directly out of the containers, but he was determined to be civilized and conjured plates and cutlery. They talked and laughed and stuffed themselves with spicy food while the sky gradually changed from gray to pink, and then finally darkened to indigo.

Befuddled by the food and wine, Remus lay flat on his back, watching the airplanes fly overhead. Tonks sat next to him, leaning on one arm and absent-mindedly playing with his hair. "Wouldn't Sirius have loved this place, though?"

"Actually, he was the one who first took me here. I came to visit him for a week one summer. Neither of us could stand being cooped up in that house, so we explored the city together. James joined us the day we spent here. Peter was on holiday in Barcelona, I think. The deer fascinated James. He couldn't resist joining up with them, and Sirius had to go and transform too, barking and chasing them around. It was quite a show, really." His eyes softened with the memory.

"Well, then I guess I should have said he would have loved to come here last year. Or even better, to be here with us now."

"You never know, he may actually be here, or at least able to see us."

"You think?"

"I don't know. But if there was a way, I know he would be here with us, laughing about the two of us."

"Shall we give him a bit of a show, then?" She bent over and with a smile brushed her lips across his. He reached up to slide his fingers into her hair, pulling her further down and deepening the kiss. Her heart gave a little lurch and her pulse began to race. She repositioned her body until she was lying beside him, propped up on one elbow while the other hand caressed his face. She ran the pad of her thumb across his recently shaven cheek and traced his earlobe with her other fingers. When their mouths finally broke apart, she felt light-headed.

Sighing, she laid her head upon his chest, and looked at him with slightly glazed eyes. "Mmm, Remus; you sure do know how to kiss."

He grinned and kissed the tip of her nose. "You could give lessons yourself, Nymphadora." He ran his fingers down her spine and slipped them just under the hem of her top, tracing circles on the small of her back. Lowering his voice, he said in a teasing tone, "In fact, your proficiency surprises me, for someone your age and as busy as you have been."

She propped herself up on one elbow and smirked. "Well, I got lots of practice at school, didn't I?"

He caressed her cheek and tucked a lock of her hair back behind her ear. "You had to have gotten excellent marks to get into the Auror program. Where did you find the time?"

Playing idly with his shirt collar, she said, "Oh, well, you see, I didn't bother much with trying to get a boyfriend at school. I figured, who needs all that drama? I just practiced on my friends."

Remus looked for a moment like he had forgotten how to breathe. "You mean, in the dorms…"

"Hmm? Oh, Merlin, Remus! They were blokes!"

He seemed to have found his breath again. "Oh…"

She looked at him coyly. "Sorry to shatter your fantasies like that, love. I didn't actually have any friends of the female variety."

This seemed to surprise him a little. "Why ever not?"

She snorted at the memory. "All they wanted to talk about was boys, hair and make up. It got awfully boring, obviously make up or hair potions did me no good. And boys, well, I pretty much had them figured out; not too complicated at that age, are they? So I hung out with the blokes. At least with them I could talk about Quidditch."

She paused to bend down and give him a moist kiss under his jawbone. "So one day one of my mates and I were chatting, and the subject of kissing came up. Neither of us wanted to look stupid when we finally got the opportunity to snog someone, so we decided to practice on each other. We got fairly good at it, I'll tell you. Funnily enough, he ended up being my first shag, too, for pretty much the same reason, but that was quite a bit later." As she talked, she had been placing an increasing number of kisses and soft bites along his neck.

He tightened his arms around her, pulling her close. "Would have been a better story if it had been a girl."

She lifted her head up again to look at him, laughing. "What is it with you guys and that fantasy anyway? I bet old Mssrs. Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail, and Prongs used to tell each other naughty stories about what the girls were getting up to on the other side of the wall."

His face broadened into a boyish grin. "Yeah, well, Sirius found a way to see exactly what the girls were up to, except he was to smart enough to use the charm on the shower wall rather than the dorm wall."

Tonks had an expression of mingled horror and awe. "That…dog! How on earth… Please, do not tell me the charm is still up there!"

"Oh, no, McGonagall got wise to it about a year later. She caught some third year boys looking through it, and raised holy hell."

She sucked in her breath and giggled. "I would have loved to have seen the look on her face…and theirs!"

He grinned at the memory.

She gave him a sly smile. "Oh, and for the record, Remus, the girls entertained similar fantasies about you guys."

Pulled away from his memories, he looked at her curiously. "What?"

She continued, "Oh, I don't mean the 'pillow fight and sheer nightie' variety. More like, 'you started wrestling then found yourselves snogging, then a little bit of wanking each other' variety. And a fair bit of speculation about the showers."

He laughed out loud and rubbed his forehead. "I thought you said you didn't have girl friends to talk to."

"I could still hear them, couldn't I? Besides, when they got to that point they usually remembered that I had inside information on the boys, so they would include me. I learned to tell some pretty wicked stories, Remus. It was the only way I got any respect from them."

He said, more soberly, "They don't sound like very nice girls. I am rather disappointed at the Gryffindor crowd of your year."

"Oh, I don't blame them really. They didn't know what to make of me. I made them nervous. Of course it didn't help that my lovely Slytherin relatives spread it around that I was a very aggressive lesbian." She rolled her eyes.

Taken aback, he asked, "Why would they do that?"

She snorted. "They were mortified that a half-blood Gryffindor was related to eighty percent of the Slytherins that year. Plus they were just a bunch of assholes. I never would have found out if a Ravenclaw girl hadn't thrown herself at me in the library."

"So you were kissing girls at school."

With a blushing grin, she looked away. "Just the one. I thought I might as well let her give it her best shot, hadn't I?" Looking back at him, she winked playfully. "And since I let her down gently, she ended up telling me why she had assumed I might be interested. At that point, I started a reign of terror against the Slytherins. I was a regular Torequemada Tonks. I spent a hell of a lot of time in detention. That's where I really got to know Charlie."

He lifted up his head to kiss her, and said, smiling, "Which is probably where I ought to stop this little trip down memory lane." He yawned and stretched out his long limbs, then sat up. "I can handle hearing about random schoolmates, but if I hear too much about a fellow Order member, I will have to fight the urge to tear out his throat at the next meeting he attends. It's rather distracting, and not at all productive."

He pressed his forehead to hers, looking at her earnestly. "The wolf tends to get a little jealous, you see."

A pleasant warmth began to spread throughout her body. "Good to know. So, do you think that the wolf would be interested in a little gelato right now?"

He stood up and pulled her to her feet, finishing with a kiss. "The wolf is rather fond of chocolate chip gelato, as a matter of fact."

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Half an hour later, they were standing outside an ice cream shop on the banks of the Thames, and Tonks was in the middle of a rant. "Remus, this is silly. The gelato was my idea, and I know you spent a lot on that food and wine. Especially the wine."

"Drop it, Nymphadora," Remus said as he took a bite of his cone.

"But Remus, I have a steady job, and…" She broke off at the look in his eyes.

"Bloody stubborn man. This isn't the eighteenth century, you know!"

"Do not make this about feminism, Nymphadora. An ardent feminist raised me. Two, actually. This is about manners; I invited you out, and I am going to pay."

She rolled her eyes and glared at him, muttering. He continued, pleasantly, "Think of all of those wonderful meals you brought for Sirius and I over the last year. It is the least I can do."

He loped over and put his arms around her, kissing the top of her head." Now, I know you have to go to work tomorrow, so I am going to see you home."

When they reached her front door, he pulled her into his arms again and kissed her, gently at first and then with enough passion to weaken her knees. She fumbled with the door and started to pull him inside, but he resisted. "I'm not going to come in, Nymphadora."

"What the hell? Why ever not?"

"Several reasons, but none of them have to do with rejection, so please get that look off your face."

"So lets hear them, then." She looked at him with one eyebrow raised.

He sighed. "First of all, you need rest. I think we both do after last night."

Now both eyebrows went up, and she grinned. "Speak for yourself, old man."

"Yes, well, you do need to work tomorrow, and I have to go back to Headquarters tonight. I never mentioned it, but staying there has sort of become one of my jobs."

"So let's both stay over there."

He gave a small cough and continued. "And lastly, I am trying to change the way we are going about this. I tend to lose my head easily where you are concerned and I want to step back a little and go about things the right way."

Her face fell. "This is beginning to sound suspiciously like rejection in a pretty package, Remus."

"Well, then you've missed the point. I want us to get to know each other, outside of the bedroom."

"And what do you think we have been doing for the past year?"

"We always had Sirius between us. We didn't deal with each other one-on-one unless we were on assignment. I've heard your funny stories, and I have admired your principles, but I do not know your history, your hopes and dreams. In other words, all of the things that you find out when you start dating someone. Nor do you know very much about me. If we spend all of our time in bed together, we might never have a chance to really get to know one another."

"Oh, I guess I can see your point. So how come I've been doing most of the talking this evening, Remus?"

"I did plenty of talking."

"You are the unknown quantity in this mixture, Remus. You know so much about me already. I've always told you anything you asked, in fact more than you ever wanted to know. You know my Mum; you've got my family history from her and Sirius. You've got my work history from Kingsley and my school history from Minerva. I've just heard that your Mum was a feminist. That is perhaps the first thing you've ever mentioned about your parents. You never told me much about your childhood before school, or how you got bitten. You never talk about what you did for all that time after 1981. I've wanted to ask, but you always steer the conversation away from you. Is this all going to become one-sided?"

"I am afraid that none of my stories outside of my Hogwarts years are worth listening to, Nymphadora. They are not funny, not even pleasant. Rather depressing, I'd say."

"I'm not looking to be entertained. Why don't you come in? It's not that late and I promise not to molest you, so stop looking at me that way, Remus. I will make some herbal tea, and you can lie on my couch and tell Dr. Tonks all about your childhood." She tugged on his arm and he reluctantly followed her into the warmth of her flat.

For the next two hours, Remus, with a lot of prodding, gave her a clearer picture of his life. He told her about his father, a Muggle-born, whose wealthy parents rejected him not only for his embarrassing use of magic, but his political activism and his immersion in the counter-culture of the time. He described his mother; an ethereal pureblood witch known in their village as someone the Muggles could visit for natural remedies and glimpses into the future.

He spoke of his relatively happy early childhood, of being shuttled around to Muggle political rallies, concerts, and communes in distant countries. He remembered his father lobbying the Ministry of Magic for creature rights, and Muggle-born protective measures. He remembered his mother's sudden fear and protectiveness just before his seventh birthday, how she pleaded with his father to apologize to someone, someone she called a monster. Then he told her how he later found out that that person was Fenrir Greyback.

He told the story about how, several months later, a child in the village school had whispered to him that creatures called Moooncalves could be seen in the fields near the forest on the night of the full moon. The little boy told him about their complicated dances and the patterns that they left in the wheat. His curiosity was piqued, and he slipped out of his window and through the forest in order to hide behind a large bush, looking out at the fields. Suddenly he had felt hot breath on the back of his neck and smelled something horrid and frightening. He turned around to see sharp teeth bared into an evil caricature of a smile. He had a memory of horrible pain, of lying alone and bleeding in a deserted field for what seemed like hours, staring up at the bright white orb in the sky.

He remembered his mother's screams and the look of utter defeat in his father's eyes. He told her about his month in hospital and the kind Healer who kept him company at night, and who eased his terrible pain after his first transformation. Then he described the years afterward, how his mother became unhinged trying to find a cure. His father slowly shrank into a shell of a man, finally dying from an illness that any wizard in his prime should have breezed through.

He described how he felt when he received his mother's letter about his father's death during his second year at Hogwarts, and how his precious newfound friends helped him cope with the overwhelming grief and guilt he carried around with him.

It was at this point that Tonks decided, after embracing him fiercely, to go back into kitchen and exchange the empty teapot for a large pot of coffee, accompanied by a bottle of Ogden's Finest. If she had anything to do with it, this was going to be a very late night. When she returned to the sitting room, Remus was sitting up, alert. In his hand he held a large golden feather, and she felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. "I'm going with you."

He looked up at her with wide eyes. "No, I think not. You didn't get a feather. No need to alert the whole Order that we are together tonight."

"Will you come back afterward?"

"I think it is probably time I let you get to bed, Nymphadora."

"I won't sleep unless I know you are back home safe, Remus."

"Well then, I promise to contact you one way or another when I am through."

He headed purposefully toward the door, then seemed to think better of it. He strode over to Tonks and drew her into an overwhelming kiss. When he pulled away he looked at her intensely and said, "Thank you for an…amazing evening, Nymphadora. I can't tell you what it meant to me."

"I…had a lovely time Remus." She fought the urge to cling to him, confused about the panic that suddenly flowed through her veins.

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An hour later Remus sat alone in a corner of the Hog's Head. It took three shots of Firewhisky before he was able to stop shaking enough to hold a quill. He thought carefully about what he wanted to say. There was a strong temptation to say everything that he knew he had to on this note. At least that way he could be sure he wouldn't falter, and he would not have to listen to her arguments, let alone witness the pain in her eyes. He knew, however, that that would be the cowards' way out. She deserved better. That didn't mean that he had the heart to go back to her flat and ruin the only perfect day they had ever shared. He would do it tomorrow, when he had a better idea of his plans, and a few hours' sleep to strengthen him. He dashed off a brief note and brought it up to the barman to send off with the house owl.

He slid back into the chair and hunched over his drink, staring idly at a burn mark on the battered wooden table. He wondered if this might be the very lowest point in his life so far. He had been truly stupid to get his hopes up; to make any sort of plans for the future.

Talking to her tonight had been cathartic, and he had felt lighter in spirit than he had in a great many years when he entered Dumbledore's office. It only took one look at the sorrow and guilt in his former Headmaster's eyes for him to sense that he would never feel that lightness again.

The werewolf attacks of a few days ago had naturally created far-reaching repercussions. The Ministry was in an uproar, calling for the incarceration of all known werewolves. Even more upsetting were Dumbledore's suspicions that the seemingly random attacks might be part of a larger pattern. When he presented Remus with the evidence, he too reached the horrifying conclusion that Fenrir Greyback had allied with the Death Eaters. He was undoubtedly recruiting werewolves to further Voldemort's interests, namely intimidation, punishment and chaos. Worse yet, they seemed to be increasing their numbers tenfold with each passing month.

He knew what he would be asked to do before Dumbledore had said another word. His expression held only grim determination; but his mind and heart were swirling with panic and sorrow. He glanced over and caught the tears in Albus' eyes, noticing for the very first time that his mentor, his anchor, seemed frighteningly close to fading away.

Remus felt his tenuous hold on any hope of a 'happy ending' slip through his fingers. He knew very well that this was tantamount to a suicide mission, and would not force Nymphadora to agonize while waiting for his unlikely return. What is more, he knew that by the time he was finished with this assignment, if he was lucky enough to live through it, he would have lost too much of his humanity to participate in a loving relationship. The horrible things he knew he would have to take part in to gain his fellows' trust would taint him for the rest of his life. He found himself, for the first time in his life, pitying Severus Snape, and felt an absurd urge to commiserate with him.

There was also a distinct possibility that he would find himself in Azkaban by the end of the war. There would be no access to Wolfsbane Potion. It would defeat the purpose of the mission. He would be running free with the pack, thirsty for blood. The worst fears of his life would be realized. He could only pray that no one innocent would suffer at his hands but knew that the odds were not at all in his favor.

He purchased the remainder of the bottle and held onto it as he Flooed to Headquarters using Aberforth's private fireplace. He trudged through the empty house and up to Nymphadora's bedroom, which he had avoided entering since that morning over a month ago. He lit a fire and sat on the edge of her bed, pouring another shot into a conjured glass. How was he ever going to summon the courage break her heart all over again? There was no way around it, and he had only himself to blame. He tossed back shot after shot until his sorrow and frustration dulled. He eventually passed out against her pillow, breathing in the faint traces of her scent still lingering there.

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Nymphadora,

Don't worry about me; it was merely a meeting. I will see you some time tomorrow and discuss it with you as much as I can.

Sleep well and thank you again for a perfect day.

Remus

It was almost enough to quell the panic she had been feeling for the last hour. Almost, but the fear had settled into an uneasy feeling of doom. She tossed and turned for several hours, then finally gave in and took a mild sleeping draught. Curling her body around the pillow he had slept on the night before, which still smelled a little like his hair, she fell into a dreamless sleep.