Chapter Thirteen
Tread Softly Because you Tread on my Dreams.
Tonks sat across from Remus at a small café near the Ministry, tearing into a roast beef sandwich. Remus had sent her a note in the afternoon, asking her to meet him after work, and she had reacted with an odd combination of anticipation and dread. But up to this point, he had been nothing but cheerful and solicitous, asking about her day, how she slept last night, what she was in the mood to eat and so forth. He didn't make a lot of eye contact, however, and she would catch him watching her warily whenever she had looked away for a moment. Patience had never been her strong suit.
"So, tell me about your meeting last night."
"Yes, well…Why don't we finish eating first?"
"Uh-oh, that sounds ominous." She raised her eyebrows and grinned. "Wait, don't tell me, I've got it! Dumbledore found out you've been shagging a 'hot young thing' and is looking for dating tips."
He looked at her in bewildered silence for a moment, and then burst out in laughter.
Feeling a certain amount of relief, she reached for his hand, and said, "You've got a lovely laugh, Remus. I don't get to hear it all that often, you know, not full-fledged laughter, anyway."
"It is really quite remarkable that I can laugh at all, especially now." He made a grimace.
"Tell me now, please, Remus. I really hate dreading things."
He got an odd, bemused look in his eyes, and surreptitiously cast a Muffilato spell. Taking a deep breath, he began, "Well, it has something to do with that crime scene you worked on the other day. Perhaps you were too kind to mention it to me, or maybe you didn't know, but it was not the only one of…that nature on that night."
Her mouth became a narrow straight line, reminiscent of McGonagall. "I knew."
"Ah…I see. Well, I don't know if you are aware of this, but Fenrir Greyback was a Death Eater in the last war."
"Fenrir Greyback, you mean your…Oh, I see. No, I didn't know that."
"Well, he was: it was towards the end."
"And I take it he's joined up again."
"It would appear so. And he's been far busier in the years since Voldemort's fall than most other Death Eaters. He'd always had his own agenda, which was affected little by Voldemort's demise."
"Werewolf equality? But surely the Death Eaters aren't promising him that? It would go against everything they stand for."
"No, Greyback's agenda is something more like…werewolf domination. And Voldemort is likely offering the freedom to terrorize, as long as they are willing to terrorize in a certain direction, occasionally."
"They?"
"Yes. He has a pack, of sorts. Mostly, the children he has bitten over the years, the ones who were either abandoned by their families, or left as orphans by him. They've grown up looking at him as a leader, a father, even. And there are others who join him because they have nowhere else to go, no way of surviving on their own. Still, others join because they prefer to live as animals. They have stopped trying to fight it. I've known about them for years, of course. Sort of a dirty little Lycan secret. But, as they had been somewhat disorganized and quite brutally violent amongst themselves, the harm they caused was…well, not exactly negligible, but not catastrophic. However, with Voldemort's backing…" He shook his head.
"So you're talking about a…a small army of werewolves at …Voldemort's disposal."
"One that seems to be getting larger every month."
"Oh, Remus!' She stared at him, horrified.
"And, given Greyback's fondness for children…well, I imagine that people who are capable of resisting intimidation or even torture might not be as able to resist a threat of permanent harm to their children."
"This is…"
"Bad, I know."
She felt as if the ground was dropping away from under her as realization dawned. "He's sending you to them, isn't he?"
Remus replied only with a slight nod of his head.
"This sort of a plan didn't work with the giants, how could he possibly think it will work…"
"We have to try."
"So what, are you supposed to negotiate with Greyback?"
"No, that would be completely pointless."
"Then what?"
"It would be more subtle. More like an infiltration…"
"Spying." Her heart seemed to stop beating for a moment and she was filled with foreboding.
"To a certain degree. Any information I can gather would be used, of course, but this is more of …well, trying to win over as many of them as I can, without Greyback finding out."
This is so unfair, she thought. "Oh, bloody hell, Remus, why not just slit your throat while you're at it!"
"Nymphadora…."
"How long, Remus?"
"As long as it takes…"
"As long as it takes? Remus, it won't work!"
"No, possibly not…probably not. But should we just let the situation continue without even attempting…"
It was, for all intents and purposes, throwing Remus to the lions, or in this case, the wolves. He didn't deserve this; he'd been through enough. "You'll be in a worse position than Snape, you know? And having to live near, to look at that monster…"
"I don't think Greyback is anywhere near as dangerous as Voldemort. I will have certain advantages over him. I have researched him, you know."
"Why does that not surprise me?"
"Well, at one time I had planned to…well, anyway I thought it best to gather up as much information about him as I could. He doesn't often think things through. Plus, he's sunk so far into his animalistic tendencies that he's nearly forgotten how to be a wizard. Well, that's not exactly true, but he's more apt to react with brute force than magic."
"And what if he disarms you?"
"That doesn't always incapacitate a person."
"Well, not you, anyway, if what I suspect is true."
"Meaning…?"
"I know you better than you realize, Remus. You present yourself to the world as mild-mannered, almost weak. Probably, you don't want to make people more nervous around you than they already are. I'll bet there are only a handful of people who've figured how powerful you truly are. I'm one of them."
"I think you're a bit biased, Nymphadora."
"I am, but that doesn't mean I'm not right."
"Well, regardless…we seem to have strayed from the subject somewhat."
"When will you leave?"
"Well, there are some things I have to do first. I mean, I have to locate them, and come up with a plan, and a plausible story…"
"When?"
"Probably a couple of days, at most a week."
She tried very hard to put on a brave face, but failed miserably. When she finally looked back into his eyes, her own eyes were filled with fear.
He took a deep breath, as if summoning his resolve. "Now, Nymphadora, I want you to try your best not to worry about me."
"That's the stupidest bloody thing I have ever heard in my life. I love you! Of course I'll worry…"
"Listen to me; you have to stop this. We have to stop this."
"Stop what, exactly, Remus?"
"Stop this, all of this…us."
Surely not now, of all times, just when we had started to have a chance? But in her heart of hearts, she had been expecting this all day. "You're chucking me. Again. After two bloody days."
"I never should have let it get started again. I'm so terribly sorry. It just won't work; it can't work…"
I don't have to sit here and take this. I can fight for him, can't I? "Shut up, Remus. I'm not going to let you do this! You're not only going to leave me terrified for you, but nursing a broken heart, too! You just go, do your thing, make sure you come back alive, and I will be waiting for you. We'll figure it all out then."
His face hardened. "For the record, Nymphadora, I really hate it when you tell me to shut up. And regardless of how you feel about it, I have made a decision. I made it a long time ago, and while you managed to make me falter a bit, I refuse to let it happen again. I do not get to live the life of a normal person. My future is uncertain, never more so than right now. There is no point in waiting for me to get back. Use the time that I am gone to get over it for good and move on. I am very truly sorry I ever allowed all of this to happen."
"You're sorry you allowed…" She shook her head, glaring at him. "Fuck you, Remus! Stop talking to me as if I'm five years old!"
"Well, then stop acting like it! You'd think you've never had a love affair before! People break up all the time. You get hurt, you move on. You're going to look back at this when you're older and wonder why you made this much of a fool of yourself over such a loser."
"Bastard!"
He stood up and looked at her contemptuously. "No, Nymphadora. A monster. An animal. And you would do well to remember it." He threw down a twenty-pound note, then turned and walked toward the door.
"Listen, Remus, while you're gone, why don't you find yourself a she-wolf? 'In for a Knut,' you know? You can wallow in your misery together."
"Good-bye, Tonks."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'll never drink again.
Tonks, suffering from a throbbing head and a mouth that felt as if it had been stuffed with cotton, stumbled into a steaming hot shower.
Furious at Remus, she had wandered around London, grumbling to herself and kicking at nearly every street lamp she came across. Eventually, she had passed a dance club, noticed the sign, advertising: 'Ladies' Night: Two for one martinis until 10 p.m.', and in a fit of rebellion, marched inside. After settling onto a stool with a good view of the rather dreamy bartender, she proceeded to get quite thoroughly pissed.
At least she hadn't sobbed all night like the last time. Drinking is a much more pleasant way to deal with getting your heart ripped out than crying, isn't it?
But this morning, she wasn't so sure. She had vague memories of decidedly ungraceful dance moves, and horror of horrors, a little unplanned karaoke. Worse yet, she suspected that the 'big cry' was inevitable; she had only delayed it a little.
However, she had no time to let it happen this morning. Maybe tonight, after work. Or maybe you will go and talk to him, try and have him leave on better terms? Bugger that! He can come and apologize! Of course, he never will. And you will regret it when you have no way of contacting him. And you will really regret it if he gets killed. Oh, God, he might get killed.
She sighed and stepped out of the shower, wrapping herself in a fluffy, bright orange dressing gown. As she dressed, she reflected that at least she only had to walk a couple of blocks to report to work this morning. Her Hogsmeade assignment officially started today, and she could avoid the hassle of the Ministry building almost altogether.
Today would be a very busy day, and she would have to keep her wits about her if she were to protect the arriving Hogwarts students. They would be remarkably vulnerable in the chaotic half-hour at the Hogsmeade station. Remus Lupin and all of the depressing thoughts that went along with him would have to be tucked firmly in the back of her mind for the next eight hours, at least. After work tonight, she was perfectly free to fall apart.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later that evening, Tonks observed the crowd of students that were piling into the carriages after disembarking from the Hogwarts Express. It occurred to her that the tiny little first -years that she had tutored in her seventh year might still be here, as fully-grown seventh-years. She started to look into the student's faces. Within moments, she spotted Ginny Weasley, holding hands with someone tall, dark and handsome. She raised her hand in greeting to Tonks, who grinned back at her, and the boy did a double take when he identified her Auror's robes.
Odd, that. She could have sworn that Ginny had a thing for Harry. Oh, well, it was probably just the result of close proximity. These things tended to change rather quickly at fifteen. She scanned the throng, looking for anything suspicious. Her thoughts wandered back to Harry, and she decided to keep an eye out for him. She had been so preoccupied that night at the Burrow that she had not thought to ask him how he was coping. Then she had skipped his birthday tea, in spite of Molly's nagging, because she knew Remus would be there. She had sent him a funny little birthday card she had found in a Muggle music store, and some Honeydukes sweets.
Her eyes swept the crowd again. Noticing a prickle at the back of her neck, she turned around to take a closer look at the people behind her. Her breath hitched as a group of tall figures in dark robes approached. She raised her wand. When they got closer, however, she recognized them as students; Slytherins, in fact, and the laughing figure in the middle of them was her whiny little cousin Draco. She narrowed her eyes in disgust. His father was wallowing in his own shit in Azkaban. What did he have to laugh about?
A few yards away, she noticed Hermione, who waved at her distractedly as Ron Weasley helped her load her trunk onto the carriage. There was a thoughtful crease between her eyebrows and she seemed to be scrutinizing her fellow students intently. She said something to Ron, who managed to take his eyes off of her chest long enough to survey the crowd himself. His eyes lingered on Malfoy for a moment, and he glowered. He turned when a round-faced boy, who looked vaguely familiar, approached with a serene-looking blonde. They spoke for a few moments, and when the boy smiled, she realized who he was. She passed that smile every day on the way into the Auror Department. Along the wall in the waiting area was a photograph memorial to fallen Aurors. Although Alice Longbottom had not died, she and her husband were given a place of honor on the wall for having given their sanity in the fight against Dark Wizards. This was also the very boy whom she had seen taking on Macnair and Dolohov with Harry on the night of Sirius' death. Poor kid must have had some kind of life, with virtual vegetables for parents and that formidable Longbottom crone raising him. He appeared to be quite a scrapper last June, though. Gave Macnair (who was well known for possessing a very large axe) a good poke in the eye, didn't he?
Still no sign of Harry. The group of four climbed into the carriage, and Hermione gave a last worried look out of the carriage as it pulled away. Tonks began to search for Harry in earnest, feeling a little nervous at that point. The last thing she needed is for 'The Chosen One' to be kidnapped by Death Eaters on her watch. The crowd was dispersing rapidly and the train let out a high pitched whistle. She surveyed the sparse group of students one last time. Definitely not there.
She hopped onto the train as the engine started vibrating, wandering the corridors and peering into the compartments. The train began to move and Harry was nowhere to be found. She started to panic. Finally she noticed that one of the compartments had the curtains drawn and the door was locked. Inside, she tripped over an unseen object, felt around, and pulled away an invisibility cloak, revealing a wide-eyed, motionless Harry Potter.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goddamn bastard! Tonks could still hear the echo of the iron gates as Snape's lantern light faded. 'The old one was better.' He knew exactly what it meant too! Slimy arsehole! It wasn't enough that he had to taunt Sirius while he was already down. 'Weak!' I'd really love to see Remus kick the living shit out of him! Son of a bitch is jealous. How many times have I caught him staring at my arse? Probably hasn't gotten laid in twenty years, if ever!
She wandered back to her flat, and momentarily considered the Three Broomsticks as she passed it, but the idea of wine and a bath were infinitely more appealing. Well, possibly not the wine. Her stomach was not at all amenable to the idea of more alcohol. She wandered into her bedroom, searching for a towel that wasn't damp or moldy. She picked up one that had been draped over the arm of her fireplace chair. It was completely dry. It actually smelled quite nice. In fact, it smelled…like Remus. She never made it into the bath, nor did she open a bottle of wine. She collapsed onto her fairy-tale bed and wept in great racking sobs.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remus knocked on the door of Ted and Andromeda Tonks' house with a sense of impending doom settling in his gut. This was one of the very last places on earth that he wanted to be. But Andromeda was going to have to take charge of the search for 'Voldemort's cave', and he needed to give her the files and his research before he left to find the wolves. He knocked again, gingerly, and spotted a shadow approaching the door. Andromeda, thank Merlin. The last thing he needed on this day of all days was to meet Nymphadora's rowdy, burly father. Particularly when she was pissed off at him. He had hoped to just pass her the information on the porch, but she was, as he suspected she always was, a gracious and insistent hostess.
"I was just sitting down for my solitary supper. Will you join me, Remus?"
She left him no choice but to follow her into the kitchen. Photographs of Nymphadora smiling and waving on the walls bombarded him along the way.
"No, thank you, Andromeda, I've already eaten." It was a lie, but his appetite had deserted him in the last twenty-four hours or so. "Don't let me keep you from your supper, though. I'll just…"
A tantalizing aroma assailed his nose. Boeuf Bourguignon, he would have bet money on it. "Oh, my, Andromeda, that smells…I believe I could stand to eat a little more after all."
She smiled smugly, and summoned a bowl. After filling it, she placed it across from her own bowl at the kitchen table. "I do hate eating alone."
"Your husband…?"
"In the basement, experimenting. I was told not to disturb him under pain of death. I've learned the hard way not to barge in there. He gets very intense and focused, and things tend to explode when he is startled."
He found, to his mortification, that his bowl was already nearly empty. With another smug smile, she rose to refill it and sat down across from him. "So I am told that I will be taking over the project on my own now?"
"Well, not exactly alone, but you will be taking charge. Another member of the Order, a new one, will be helping you on the research end."
"Do I know this person?"
"Likely not, she's Muggle-born, and just got out of school a couple of years ago. She was one of my brightest students, a Ravenclaw. She works for the Ministry, now, in the Magical Law Office. Her name is Sarah."
"Am I allowed to ask why you are quitting this project?"
"I've been assigned elsewhere."
"Well, I hope that won't mean that you will become a stranger. I've grown rather fond of you."
He felt a terrible stab of guilt. "Unfortunately, I will have to be out of touch for an indefinite period of time. I won't be in contact with anybody for a while."
She gave him a serious look. "You will be careful, won't you, Remus?"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remus sat on the bench in the back garden of Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, contemplating a rosebush whose flowers were very nearly black. His mind was racing with all of the things he needed to do, and his heart was very heavy about what he was giving up. He was so deep in his thoughts that his heightened senses never even gave him a clue she was approaching.
"Hi."
He looked up in shock. "Nymphadora! When…how…"
She let out a breath and began what started out sounding like a prepared speech. "Listen, Remus, I'm still really angry at you, and hurt, but I felt I had to come by. I can't let you…I mean, I don't want you to go with angry words hanging in the air between us. I can't bear to leave it like that. So I just wanted to say 'goodbye,' to tell you to be careful and that I'll miss you. And you'd better come back, all right?"
He gave a little sniff of laughter. "To be honest, I was about to come and say very nearly the same thing to you."
"You were?"
"I was." He shook his head and focused on the serpentine design of the paving stones beneath his feet.
"I'm sorry, Tonks. I thought, well, if I was cruel, that it would be easier in the end. But you didn't deserve what I said. I don't think you're foolish, or childish. You're…very, very special. You deserve a good life, and to love someone who doesn't keep pushing you away. And I am never going to be that person. So, I am not going to take back the part where I said that you really need to move on. I am never going to change. Even if everything goes right on this assignment, and I come back alive and unharmed, even if we win the war, I will always be damaged; incapable of love and trust."
"You are capable of love, Remus, you're just afraid of it."
"Either way, you are never going to be able to talk me into embracing it, because I will always be looking ahead, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Life taught me at an early age not to get too attached to anything. Life pounded it into my head repeatedly, as a matter of fact. It's not something that I can just 'get over'. I am old enough to recognize a lost cause."
"And I'm old enough to decide for myself how to feel and what to hope for. You can't just order me to move on. If I decide to love you for the rest of my life…well, you can't make it stop because you want it to, because it would be easier for you. I understand, I think, what you were trying to accomplish the other day. You are about to embark on a dangerous assignment, and you want the freedom of knowing that if you get yourself killed, it won't make much of a difference, nobody else will get hurt. But I would mourn your loss even if we had never become lovers. I'm not the only one, either. You seem think that you are alone in the world because you've lost your childhood friends; your first ones, and your family. But there are others who love you, who need you to stick around."
"By the time I get back, if I get back…Well, I'm not going to be the same person. I highly doubt anyone will wish for me to 'stick around'. I will be tainted."
"How on earth did you come up with that idea?"
"I will have become an animal."
"You do that every month, Remus. Then you turn back into a beautiful, civilized man."
"I didn't mean it literally. I will be one of them, a creature, a beast. How are you going to feel the next time you clean up after a werewolf attack, knowing that it could very well have been perpetrated by your former lover?"
"That won't happen, Remus. You may turn into a beast, run with them, but you won't do anything more vicious than you have to. It'll be just like Snape is, with the Death Eaters. I may not like the asshole, but he is doing it all for the sake of the Order. It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's heroic."
"That doesn't mean that Snape isn't tainted by what he has done. He still has to live with his actions. That's probably why he is such a…difficult person to work with."
"No, he's just a straight-up asshole."
"Well, he never was the pleasantest of men, but you would do really well to take a hard look at what his…dual nature has done to him. Do you really see him finding some nice girl and living out his days surrounded by grandchildren?"
"You can't be comparing the two of you, Remus. He'd be hard pressed to find any girl, nice or otherwise, who would be willing to take on an aged, bitter, ugly, misanthrope with poor personal hygiene. You may be bitter and aged, but you're dead sexy and smell delicious. Plus you've already got a nice girl in love with you who would be honoured to be surrounded by your grandchildren."
"Impossible: no children, no grandchildren."
"Silly man, we're in the middle of a war! You don't think there are kids out there that need someone to take care of them?"
"I may very well spend the rest of my life in prison after this assignment, Nymphadora. The last thing the Ministry will do is let me near children, no matter how desperate they are."
"Surely not a war hero who risked his safety to protect Britain from a band of bloodthirsty werewolves? Not to mention the fact that you have fought against the Death Eaters for nearly twenty years."
"A werewolf who did all those things. I'm sure they're going to throw a parade in my honor any day now. Maybe they'll even let me march alongside Severus. Dolores Umbridge can organize the whole thing."
"Hasn't it occurred to you that something like that is in the realm of possibility in the distant future? Maybe not the parade, but you will be someone who has more than earned the right to make demands of the Ministry. You may find that spending time with other werewolves could turn into something good. You could rally them into standing up and demanding change. I have often wondered why you hadn't before now, especially since I found out about your father."
"It didn't work out so well for him, did it?"
"That's because he gave up; he stopped fighting. And this is my point, Remus. Don't give up on life. Don't go on this assignment assuming that you will not come out alive. Don't tell yourself that there is nothing worth living for on the other side."
"I have every intention to fight to live through this, Nymphadora. I just don't want you to labour under the impression that I'm going to come running into your arms when I'm done. I won't be the same person. I will have given up something crucial to my sense of self-worth."
"You will be what you always were, someone who tries to be the best man he can be. Plus, you will be a stronger person because you will have faced your greatest fears and triumphed."
"I will be an impossible person to live with: angry, distant, prone to depression."
"And years of inbreeding in my family has left me prone to madness. Look at all my crazy aunts. I could very well turn into that hideous creature in the portrait in my old age, you know."
"I'm not going to come back and be your 'boyfriend,' Nymphadora, so you need to get that hope out of your head."
"And I'm not going to find a new one while you're gone, so you need to stop suggesting it."
"I won't give in, you won't be able to talk me into it."
"And I won't stop loving you. You won't be able to talk me into that, either."
"I really wish you would. "
"And I really wish you would kiss me until my toes curl, or better yet, say goodbye properly: in bed."
"I'm not going to do it."
"Well then, at least give me a nice friendly hug." She opened her arms and stepped toward him. Remus had what is known in the Muggle world as a classic 'deer-in-headlights' look on his face. She threw her arms around his lower back and squeezed, burying her face in his chest. His heart was beating at a marathon pace.
He finally wrapped his arms around her, inhaling her unique scent and kissing the top of her head. He felt his body begin to relax along with his resolve. He took a deep breath and pulled away from her. "You'd better go."
She mustered a smile, though her eyes began to well up. She stood on her tiptoes and kissed his cheek. "Be safe, Remus. Come back in one piece if you can. And if there's anything you need…"
"I'll be fine. You be safe, too."
"I love you."
"Good-bye."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two evenings later, Tonks sat on a stool at the Three Broomsticks, sipping mulled mead and eating a chip. Though the pub was nearly empty, a tall man came up and sat on the stool next to her, brushing her shoulder.
"D'you mind!" She turned to glare at the new arrival, who reached over and grabbed one of her chips. Her irritated expression changed to delight within seconds. "Remus!"
"You'll never find yourself a boyfriend if you treat strange men in pubs that way, Nymphadora."
"I don't want another boyfriend."
"So you've said."
"I thought you'd left already."
"Tomorrow. I have something I wanted to give you before I left."
"Your undying love?"
He smiled and shook his head.
"A really good shag?"
He laughed. "No, it's…well, not exactly a present, because I hope to have it back when I'm done. It's just something I want you to keep for me." He indicated a paper wrapped package lying on the bar next to his elbow.
"You know, for a minute there it sounded like you were asking me to pet-sit. Let's see it, then."
"Not here. Let's go back to your flat."
"Hmmm, maybe I'm going to get that shag after all."
"I wouldn't bet on it."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tonks stared at the object on her lap and blinked owlishly, temporarily at a loss for words. Finally, she asked, "A blanket? Not that it isn't very pretty, but…"
Remus laughed. "Well, I have to tell you the story and maybe you'll understand why it is important to me. My mother, I believe I mentioned already, was very creative: an artist, really. The summer before I was born she learned how to quilt from our neighbor, an ancient, nearly blind American woman. She had moved to Britain to live with her granddaughter. Apparently these sorts of quilts can be something of an art form, and they can have symbolic meaning, which fascinated my mother. So she started making this one for me throughout her pregnancy, and naturally, she wove a few charms into it as well. She meant for it to become an heirloom. I wasn't allowed to touch it, as a young child."
"But then I got bitten, and she decided to give it to me for comfort, adding a few more charms to help me through my transformations. For example, I always wake up cold, so there is a powerful warming charm on it. It also gives the wearer a sense of calm and helps to ease pain. She also put a spell on it that made it impossible for me to tear it with my…claws."
"So, there it is; I've had it for nearly thirty years, and it's been with me for every one of my transformations. In fact, it's my oldest possession. But clearly, it is not the sort of thing that I want to take with me…where I'm going. I mean it really is rather silly, a grown man with, essentially, a security blanket." He grinned sheepishly at her.
"I wouldn't call it a security blanket."
"What would you call it, then?'
"A mother's love, encased in an object. It's remarkably beautiful, Remus. I would be happy to keep it until you return. I have a cedar chest in my bedroom, it will be safe there."
"I appreciate it. But that's not the only reason I brought it over. I mean, if something happens to me, I want you to have it."
"Nothing is going to happen to you, Remus."
"Well, regardless, I thought perhaps that you might enjoy using it while I am away."
"You're lending it to me?"
"Well, I thought it might help…Yes."
"Oh, Remus!" She bit her lip and shut her eyes a couple of times, trying to blink back tears. Eventually she found it impossible to stop them and covered her face with her hands, sobbing quietly.
"Damn it, Dora, I didn't mean to make you cry, I only wanted to…" He sat down next to her, pulling her into his arms which only served to make her cry harder. "I'm sorry…"
"I'm touched, Remus, I'm not sad. Well, I am sad, but this is just…It means a lot to me."
"You can't read to much into this, Nymphadora."
"Oh, I know, it's just that when I'm sad, or worried, I can get under this blanket and find warmth and peace, and it's something that's part of you. It's the next best thing to having you here. Not anywhere near as good as having you here, but the next best thing. It means the world to me. Thank you." She wiped her eyes with her sleeve and kissed him on the cheek.
"I struggled with this, Nymphadora. There wasn't any doubt that I wanted you to have it, but I don't want it to be something that keeps you from…"
"…moving on, I know. And I don't want you to be under the impression that I am going to spend the next few weeks or months or however long it is crying for you under this blanket every night. I do have a life apart from this, you know. I have friends and family to spend time with, important work to do…"
"And eventually, you are going to meet some young, good-looking bloke with a good job and…"
She rolled her eyes and continued, "And he'll never measure up to you. So, I might flirt a bit, maybe even become his friend, but there isn't a chance in hell I will fall in love with him."
"You're very stubborn, Nymphadora."
"So are you, Remus."
"I'd probably better get going."
"Any way I can talk you into staying?"
"I'm afraid not."
"What if I try a Body Bind Curse and dance around naked in front of you?
"A Body Bind Curse will defeat your nefarious purposes won't it? I mean you won't get much out of me if all of my appendages are immobilized."
"Yes, but then I will get you all worked up and release you when all the blood in your body has gone south." She grinned wickedly.
"Are you sure you shouldn't have been sorted into Slytherin?"
"In all seriousness, Remus, you're leaving tomorrow. Don't you think it's possible that you will regret not giving me a proper goodbye?"
"Quite the reverse, Nymphadora."
"Only if you think about it in your convoluted way. You think that making love to me will confuse me, make it harder for me to let go. But since I have no intention of letting go, it won't make any difference. It will just give us both another lovely memory to think of on the difficult nights."
"I will not have any difficulty in finding a beautiful memory to think of."
"You are a very strange and unusual man, Remus Lupin. Isn't it supposed to be you trying to cajole me into 'one more for the road?'"
He laughed wryly "Yes, undoubtedly they are about to revoke my 'manhood card'. I'm sure Sirius is out there somewhere making fun of me."
"Why don't you just kiss me goodbye, then?"
"Are you always this much of a nag?"
"Yep. Ask Mum."
"I'm going to regret this."
"You're going to regret it if you don't. I am licensed to practice dark hexes in extenuating circumstances, you know."
"Is that so?" He licked his lips, and looked from her eyes to her mouth and back again. He leaned closer and brushed his mouth lightly against hers. "Goodbye, Nymphadora."
"You can do better than that, Lupin."
He cupped her face and tilted it, then bent forward to capture her bottom lip between his own. He pulled it into his mouth and nibbled. She shuddered, and her body relaxed against him.
"Getting warmer, Lupin."
"I really need to get going."
"No, you really need to give me a better kiss than that. It could be our last one ever, don't you want it to be memorable?"
He kissed her again, and his mouth, at first gentle and penitent, gradually became demanding. She could feel her blood beginning to race, and she wondered, if he were to leave her in this state, would she explode from unresolved passion? When he buried his fingers in her hair and groaned, she began to suspect, to her very great delight, that he was going to leave her in a much happier state than she ever could have hoped. She twisted her torso slightly and began to slowly lower her back onto the cushions of her couch, and he followed her every step of the way. When he started to kiss and bite his way down the column of her neck she knew she had won, at least for tonight, anyway.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Remus took a long, lingering look at the sleeping woman below him as the first rays of daybreak shone through the window. He accepted that he had utterly failed in his resolve, but he didn't have it in his heart to feel bad about it. Nor did she seem to be suffering from it, though he knew she undoubtedly would, later. He was certain that this picture of her would stay with him in the weeks and months, possibly the long years ahead. He would never forget the sight of her luminous skin, the delicate lines and curves of her body, as she lay sleeping peacefully on her gilded bed, wrapped up in his old blanket.
"Nymphadora, I have to go," he whispered, and her eyes fluttered open.
"What…so soon?"
"It's morning, I told you I had to leave this morning. I've stayed too long already. I just wanted to say goodbye."
"Oh, God, Remus, just…please be careful."
"I will. Be well, Nymphadora."
"Oh, wait! I just had a dream, and I realized…I have something for you." She jumped out of bed and rummaged through her dresser drawer, taking out a quill and a small piece of parchment, which she scribbled on. Then she went over to her nightstand and waved her wand over it, murmuring an incantation. She handed the now blank piece of parchment to him, beaming.
"It's, um…lovely, Nymphadora. I'll treasure it always." He grinned and shook his head. "But I think I'll treasure the memory of you running around the room and casting spells, skyclad, even more. What am I supposed to do with it, exactly?"
She closed the front of the red dressing gown she had picked up off the floor and tied the sash. "It's an address. It's a place my Grandpa left me. Within the next few weeks, I should have managed to make it invisible, Unplottable, and about everything else you can think of. The Muggles in the neighborhood think it just recently burned down and nobody noticed the fire. The point is it is secure. So, if you need a place to rest, or hide, or recover, or even just take a nice hot shower, its yours, and no one but me could find you there. And I am going to surround it with wards so that no one could follow you there, either. It's stocked with plenty of canned food and an absurdly large supply of single malt whisky, so if you find yourself hungry…Well, you get the picture."
"That's…very thoughtful of you, Nymphadora. One question though; how am I supposed to read the address?"
"Just think of my middle name."
"Do I know your middle name?"
"Remember the night we did tequila shooters with Sirius? I have a distinct memory of you guys tickling it out of me."
"Oh, yes! How could I have forgotten that?" He looked at the parchment again. "Remarkable; that really worked!"
"You're probably better off memorizing it."
"Yes, I will. All right, then. Thank you. I'd really better go."
"I'll miss you, Remus."
"I will miss you, too."
"I love you. Come back safe."
"Take care of yourself." He kissed her on the cheek and disappeared with hardly a 'pop'.
A/N: Well, here it is, and I apologize for the delay. Chapter twelve really took a lot out of me, and I knew this one would be even worse. I had to take a break from all the angst, (which I tend to carry with me into real life) to write a little piece of Neville fluff, start on a Ron/Hermione challenge fic, and go see a 'certain movie', which I thoroughly enjoyed. But here it is: the inevitable chapter sending Remus off to the wolves. Please let me know if it was worth the wait! Once again, thank you for the overwhelmingly kind reviews: particularly those of you that have reviewed regularly as the story has progressed.