Love Itself Shall Slumber On.
Tonks approached The Burrow about six weeks later, just as the last traces of the sunset were disappearing into the hills. After the usual 'Ministry approved' exchange of information, Molly opened the door and greeted her with a warm hug.
"Hello, Tonks, dear, I'm so glad you could make it."
"As if I could resist the offer of your shepherd's pie!"
Molly smiled widely and ushered Tonks into the kitchen, where she provided her with a cup of hot cocoa before she had even had a chance to sit down.
"Ooh, lovely, perfect. Can you believe how blasted cold it is already?
"I've noticed that myself. I don't think it can still be the Dementors, do you? Of course, it must be worse for you, so far up north." Molly placed a steaming plate in front of Tonks and sat down opposite her. "How are you, dear?"
"Just plugging away, Molly, like you. How have you been?"
"I can't complain, but I've never felt the emptiness of the house as much as this year. Arthur has been working late nearly every night, and I seem to work myself into such a state when I am alone after dark."
It occurred to Tonks that an empty flat was nowhere near as depressing as an empty nest and she began to feel guilty for avoiding Molly's persistent dinner invitations. Her only excuse had been that she was too depressed to risk talking about Remus. She hadn't considered how lonely Molly must be. "You're always welcome to come and visit me, Molly. Just pop your head into my floo to see if I'm home. I usually am, and if I'm not, you can look for me at the Three Broomsticks."
Molly snorted. "Oh, no, dear; I believe I've learned my lesson about popping my head into young people's flats, unannounced. The last time I did that to Bill, well…let's just say I found out exactly how much my son resembles his father. Thank goodness it was the girlfriend before Fleur. I have a hard enough time with my future daughter-in-law without imagining her in all her 'glory', you know?"
Tonks laughed, and replied, "Well, I can promise you; pop into my floo and you won't be seeing anything more embarrassing than a lonely spinster who is two steps away from getting the first of fourteen cats. I certainly won't be having any blokes wandering around my flat, starkers, while Remus is gone."
Molly playfully swatted Tonks' hand. "Oh, Tonks, you are the furthest thing from a spinster that I have ever met. You ought to meet my Auntie Muriel. She could give Arabella Figg a run for her money! Twenty-eight cats, last time I heard. Did he wander around your flat naked?"
"Who?"
"Remus, of course."
"Ah…well. Once or twice." Tonks focused on a spot over Molly's shoulder, her cheeks going pink.
Molly leaned closer, and asked, "Well that's a change since the last time you came to dinner, isn't it? You were still living with your parents, then."
"You don't miss a thing, do you, Molly?"
"Not with seven children, I don't, or not often, anyway. So, are you going to tell me about it, or will I have to slip Veritaserum in your wine?"
"You keep that on hand, do you?
"It's a mother's best friend, that stuff."
"But, I haven't got any wine, Molly."
"That's easy enough to fix."
Tonks, laughed, and threw up her hands in a gesture of mock defeat. "I think I'm going to need it, and a drinking companion."
While gathering up a pair of glasses and a bottle from her cupboard, Molly said, "In all seriousness, Tonks, love, it will help if you get it off your chest. Besides, I would be thrilled to think about something other than all the horrible ways my family could be hurt."
"Oh, Molly…"
Mrs. Weasley waved away Tonks' sympathetic expression. "Let's go sit by the fire in the sitting room, dear."
Molly sat down in her usual chair by the fire, and Tonks, removing her shoes, curled up on the opposite chair. Molly looked at her expectantly.
Tonks weighed Molly's inquisitive nature against Remus' intense desire for privacy, and attempted to tell a story which would satisfy both of them. "Well, where to start? Let's see…in late August, we got back together. I don't think…in fact I know he never meant for it to happen, but we got in a row, and, well…"
Molly beamed, her cheeks pink.
"So, I really think that at that point he had decided to give it a try, I mean he even took me out on a date, and I managed to get him to open up to me about a lot of things. Then, later that night, he was given his new 'assignment', and the next day he ditched me all over again. We had a wicked fight. About a week after that, I swallowed my pride so that I could at least say goodbye. Later, he sought me out to leave something of his with me, and though he left with us on friendly terms, he made it painfully clear that I shouldn't hold out any hope of him coming back to be with me. Since then, I've been working like a nutter and I haven't been sleeping well. Oh, and I've been worried sick because I haven't heard a thing about him. What I wouldn't give for something like your clock, Molly. Have either of you heard from him?"
"Not a word, dear. Have you thought of asking Dumbledore?"
"You don't know how many times I've wanted to. It's hard to resist, when he's so close by. But I'm not quite ready to have him figure out why I'm so concerned. And you know it'll take only about ten seconds after I ask him."
"Well, why don't I ask him for you? He will simply think that I am being a flutterbudget, as usual."
"Would you, really? I would owe you one."
"You would most certainly not, my dear. Are you not currently working 'like a nutter' to keep my youngest children safe at school? I feel so much better knowing that the 'Auror task force' that I keep reading about contains someone that has a special fondness for my babies, let alone a member of the Order."
"That reminds me, Molly. I saw Ron the other day. Oh, and Ginny, too, but from a distance."
"How did they look?"
"Oh, Ginny seemed just fine, she had a nice-looking boy holding doors open for her and looking at her like she was a priceless jewel. Ron was, of course, with Harry and Hermione, and I had to reveal myself to them when Harry started trying to beat the living piss out of Dung."
"Oh, yes, I heard about that. Trying to sell Sirius' silver, wasn't he? I never did trust that man."
"Well, it's in Dung's nature, isn't it? It's like asking a dog to be a vegetarian, and then putting a steak in front of him. And, once Harry calms down, I seriously doubt that he will cry over a few silver goblets. From what I heard, I think Harry was more concerned that Dung was stealing from Sirius than him."
"But if they're going to be sold, wouldn't it be better if the money went to the Order? Or, for that matter, to Remus! I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but I'll never understand how Sirius could have forgotten Remus in his will like that! Just one of those stupid goblets would have made a difference!"
"Is that what you think, Molly? Do you honestly think that Sirius would have cut Remus off, for any reason? He rewrote his will almost immediately after he reconciled with Remus, and he'd seen what the world had done for him. He wanted to split everything between Remus and Harry. They had a massive row about it, last November. Remus absolutely forbid Sirius to do anything for him. He threatened to hand anything Sirius left him over to Kreacher."
"He did what?
"He said he had no rights, that a true friend would never have abandoned him to Azkaban without careful investigation, and that Sirius' inheritance belonged to Harry, and if not to him, then to me and Mum. Then I made a big stink, saying that I didn't want a Knut from the Blacks, that they never gave a damn about me and that I was going to get plenty from the Tonks side of the family. So all of us did a lot of yelling. Well, actually, Remus didn't yell at all, he had this annoyingly calm voice, you know how he gets so goddamn reasonable and makes it sound like the person he is talking to is a naughty student?"
Molly smiled knowingly and nodded.
"Yeah, that really pisses me off when he does that…So anyway, the end result, after weeks of going back and forth was that Sirius left pretty much everything to Harry, and Remus accepted Great Uncle Alphard's book collection. And this was only because I told him that if he tried to pawn off a bunch of dusty old books on me that I would throw them in the Thames. The only thing that I wanted from Sirius was his record collection. I also asked for his memoirs, but he insisted that I had to patch them together from Remus' memory. He really was trying to set us up, wasn't he?"
"Well, I certainly feel better knowing that he tried to help Remus."
"It seems odd, now, that we spent so much time discussing such a morbid subject, doesn't it? If I remember it correctly, the night it all started, Sirius was in a fairly low mood to begin with, and there was a lot of alcohol consumed. Maybe he had a premonition."
"Or maybe he was a wanted man, who knew he could get killed any time he walked out the door. He wasn't quite as irresponsible as I believed him to be. And, you know, in spite of what I said that one night, I really liked him. How could you not; he was such a charming man! We spent countless hours together in the kitchen, especially that summer. Goodness, I even tried to teach him a bit about cooking."
Her fond smile was quickly replaced by an expression of irritation. "That harridan hanging on the wall was so focused on teaching her boys they were better than everybody else that she never taught them how to take care of themselves." She shook her head, as if to clear it. "But don't let me get started on that subject, I could go on for hours, and I want to know more about you and Remus, dear. You have given me the brief summary of your story, but no details. For example, where did he take you on you date? And what, exactly did he leave in your keeping? And what led to your getting back together in August? You must indulge the curiosity of an old married lady."
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Later, Tonks would try to blame it on the wine. She would also tell herself that Molly was a very talented inquisitor, getting her information through clever prompts. But the truth was, Tonks had no one else to talk to about Remus, openly. She was a young woman in love for the very first time, and needed to see if someone else could understand her feelings and agree with her handling of the situation. Plus it felt fantastic to get it all off her chest, and to have someone sigh with her over the more romantic moments, growl over the man's stubbornness, and cluck sympathetically over her for her pain and frustration. When she finally reached the part of her story where Remus kissed her goodbye at dawn in her bedroom, Molly's eyes were filled with tears, and she threw her arms around Tonks, nearly squeezing the breath out of her. After releasing her, and blowing her nose noisily, Molly excused herself and disappeared into the kitchen. She came back carrying a heaping plate of brownies.
"You read my mind, Molly."
"Good, because you're taking whatever you don't eat of these home with you. I tend to bake when I'm worried, but I seem to have lost my appetite, these days. I end up foisting all of it on Arthur and all of our neighbors. Arthur, of course, is like Ron and Bill. He could eat all day and never gain an ounce, but Jack Lovegood is going to resemble Cornelius Fudge if I keep dropping by with baskets, or at least that is what he told me yesterday."
Tonks tried to talk over a mouthful of gooey brownie. "Oh, lord, Molly, these'd be worth getting plump over! Why don't you sell them?"
"What, in a shop?" Molly waved her hand dismissively. "I don't have time for that!"
"I reckon, if you were to show up with a basket of goodies at the Ministry once or twice a week, you'd have people swarming around you like bees on honey. You could make a little extra pocket money. In fact, you could make a killing, and you'd be able to go see Arthur while you're there, bring him lunch, even."
"Hmmm…Tonks, I wonder…"
"You could even set up a regular basket on the twins' counter."
Molly snorted, shaking her head. "Everybody knows better than to eat anything they have on display. Have you heard about…" She lowered her voice to an embarrassed whisper. "…U-No-Poo?"
Tonks couldn't help laughing, in spite of Mrs. Weasley's obvious mortification. "Oh yeah, that one made the rounds in the Ministry a couple of months ago. Quite a few of the more annoying beaurocrats walked around red-faced and irritable for days at a time. Umbridge had to be the funniest, though. She lasted for at least three weeks!"
Molly tried to stifle a giggle at that image, and Tonks continued, "It got Fudge so nervous, he actually started making his own tea! Someone had already gotten him with a Canary Cream last spring, right in front of the Minister from Zimbabwe. It was all hushed up, of course." Tonks noticed that Molly's face had broken into a wide grin. She suspected that Molly had never been prouder of her boys.
"Now tell, me, why doesn't Arthur come home with stories like this?"
"He probably reckons you'd send a Howler to the boys. I've got to tell you, though, Molly. I think they're geniuses. Working at the Ministry has been really miserable for the last two years, and having something like these pranks to laugh at has really boosted people's spirits."
"Oh, I know my boys are wonderful. I just pray they don't manage to offend the wrong person and get themselves hurt." She was quiet for a moment, then surprised Tonks by asking, "Did anyone manage to get to Percy?"
"Yeah. More than once, I am afraid."
"Good." Molly's face was set in a half smirk, half grimace. "Now, dear, back to you. Tell me more about Remus, and when he had you against your front door. Did he manage to remember a silencing spell, or did your poor old landlady get an earful?"
Tonks could feel herself turning beet red, and she sputtered, "Molly! Bad enough you got me to tell you about that, now you want more details?"
"You have nothing to be embarrassed about, Tonks, dear. You are speaking to the woman who conceived the twins in her father-in-law's broom shed, after all."
Some of the wine that Tonks had hastily gulped shot out of her nose. "Molly! You're going to scar me for life…Really? In a broom shed? Why?"
"Well…we were spending a week with my in-laws, and they had all five of us sleeping in one room. Arthur and I got a little desperate after about five days, so we snuck outside one night after dinner. There was a fair bit of laughter, I recall. Perhaps that is why they turned out to be such merry pranksters."
"Wow, Molly, good for you! And Arthur…damn, who would have thought?"
"Really, Tonks, we have seven children! Surely you didn't think we were dull in bed."
"Actually, I tried not to think about it…"
"As a matter of fact, I don't think that any of my children were conceived in a bed."
"Oh, God…"
"Let's see, Bill was in front of the fire, on our honeymoon, and Charlie… well, that was in the shower. You see, Bill slept in our bed, then, so we rarely got time alone…"
"Kill me, now…"
"And Percy…that was on Arthur's desk at work…"
"Holy shit…"
"Ron, well… Arthur and I took a walk up to Stoatshead Hill, while Bill watched his brothers. It was a glorious summer day." Molly stopped speaking at this point, lost in memory.
Tonks, to her utter shock, found herself asking, "And Ginny?"
"Oh, well…that was really lovely, Our neighbor, Lorelei Lovegood, offered to watch the kids for the weekend. I told her she was mad to do it, but she was having some trouble getting pregnant, and she thought that being around all those kids would help kick start her fertility. So, Arthur and I took a cottage on the seashore, and Ginny was most likely conceived on the beach, or in the sea. Oh, and Lorelei got pregnant about a month later."
"I'm never going to be able to look Arthur in the face again…" Tonks buried her face in her hands, shaking her head.
"Oh, Tonks, I've embarrassed you!"
Tonks raised her head, looking Molly in the eye. "No, not really. I think it's sweet. Touching, really. Hell, I'm impressed. You give me hope for the future. And Arthur…wow!"
Molly raised one eyebrow, a wicked grin on her face, and said, "Well, I couldn't let Remus be the only--what do you girls call them these days--'sex god' in the Order, now, could I?"
"Oh, I'm sure the Order has got more than two sex gods. Or are you choosing to ignore Bill and Charlie?"
"I'd prefer not to imagine that, thank you! Are you speaking from personal experience, Tonks?"
Tonks giggled, shaking her head in denial. "And I've heard stories about Kingsley…"
"Really? Who was it? Someone from work?"
"No, although my friend/co-worker has an enormous crush on him. This was someone I met at last year's Christmas Party. I think she worked in the Department of International Magical Cooperation. Anyway, she raved about him, said he had 'great hands'."
"Hmm, very interesting…You know, of course, that I won't be able to take my eyes off of his hands during the next meeting, don't you?"
"Join the club, Molly!" Tonks was really enjoying this side of Molly, as unnerving as it was at first. "So, have we finished discussing the sexual prowess of our comrades? "
"Well, there's not much left…Mad-eye…"
"Eww!"
"Well, he was married once."
"WHAT?"
"Oh, yes, for years and years; my brother told me about it. Then, of course, there's Severus."
"Double eww!" Tonks shivered in revulsion. "But, you know, an astonishing number of girls in my class were really into him. They liked his voice, I think. Or maybe they thought of a good use for that enormous nose of his."
Molly shrieked out a laugh at that, blushing furiously, and Tonks asked, "Have you ever heard about him getting involved with anyone?"
"Not a word. But, that could just mean he's discreet."
"Or a virgin…"
"Or gay…"
"I don't think so. I've caught him staring at my arse on more than one occasion."
"Lucky you," Molly said, dripping sarcasm. "Although, I have to admit that I haven't caught anyone but Arthur staring at my backside for at least five years. It would be nice to have someone look at it, even if it was only Severus. I used to have a rather spectacular bottom."
"Sturgis Podmore checks out your bum."
"He does?"
"Oh yeah. Sirius and I used to see it all the time. Even Remus noticed it. Sturgis' wandering eye, that is, not your bum. Although I'm sure Remus has glanced at it once or twice."
Molly giggled. "Of all things… I'll have to keep an eye on him. Well, I guess that just leaves us with Dumbledore."
"I'll bet he was a sex god in his time. All that power…"
"And a sense of humor…"
"And such a snappy dresser."
"And I hear he can do amazing things with his wand..."
"Oh, god, Molly no wand jokes, please. I can't take it!" Tonks was laughing so hard at this point that her stomach hurt.
Molly took advantage of Tonks' momentary weakness to slip in a question, "So, you and Charlie, you never…"
"Molly! I thought you didn't want to even imagine…"
"I know, but…"
"We were only sixteen! I was a few years away from being ready for…everything. Besides, it was only a few weeks. He was rather brilliant at snogging, though."
"Ah…so was Arthur."
"So is Remus."
"Molly, I am having so much fun with you. We have to start doing this on a weekly basis."
"Why do you think I keep pestering you to come over?"
"To feed me?"
"No, silly, that's your mother's job. I haven't had someone to let my hair down with since Lorelei died. Oh, and speaking of your mother, I've invited her over next Sunday for dinner."
"WHAT? Why?"
"Oh, it was Remus' idea. He thought that Arthur would be a good person for your dad to spend some time with. You know, get his mind of his dad's death, tinker around in the tool shed; all that nonsense."
"Remus! Remus suggested it?" Tonks found herself overcome by tears.
"Tonks, dear, what's wrong? I was going to invite you, you know. Do you want me to cancel it? I wouldn't dream of telling your mother anything you've told me. You don't have to worry about that… "
"That isn't it, Molly! I know you wouldn't…Its just so bloody perfect, and I never even thought of it. And he did, and he never met my dad. He must have talked to you about doing it even as he was preparing to go to the wolves. He's so goddamn thoughtful! And insightful. And compassionate. And I miss him!" she wailed.
Molly knew that a good cry in the arms of a friend was probably the best thing for Tonks, right now. As she held the weeping young Auror until she passed out from exhaustion, she felt needed and useful for the first time in over a month. She wrapped a blanket around her sleeping dinner guest, and sat, knitting by the fire until Arthur came home from work.
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Remus slept fitfully, in a dark corner of a dark, abandoned building. Aching, bruised and cold, he dreamed of warmer, softer, safer beds. He saw himself enclosed in the scarlet hangings around his bed at Hogwarts, the soft snores of his friends surrounding him and lulling him to sleep. He dreamed of his bed at Grimmauld place: ornate, ostentatious, but still warm and comfortable, even more so because he knew he was just down the hall from his friends and comrades. Finally he dreamed of Nymphadora's bed: absurdly feminine, soft and luxurious, with the welcome addition of a warm body draped over his limbs. This was where he always woke up, confused and disoriented, because the thought of her in this place, in any of the filthy, rank, deplorable places he had called home over the last few weeks seemed so inherently wrong that he awoke with a start.
The smell was the worst part of it, and it only got worse with the waxing moon. Unwashed bodies, disease, fear, and decay all combined into a noxious odor that assaulted his sensitive nostrils. There was a palpable sense of hopelessness that hung over the collective group, along with anger and hatred: hatred for the world, each other, and especially for themselves.
At first, in spite of his fear and revulsion, it had almost seemed like coming home. Finally, here were people who understood, who wouldn't try to trivialize the things he had endured since he was a little boy. These people had known what it was like to have your sense of self-worth chipped away, bit by bit, by every frightened glance, dirty look, and hateful comment that the rest of the world had thrown at them on a daily basis.
The self-esteem of the others had all but vanished, making it easy for them to adapt to the submissive roles that they were assigned in the pack. But Lupin found it surprisingly hard to accept. Though he had lived his life on the outside as a gentle, non-threatening man, his inner strength and pride had stayed intact; in fact, they had grown over the years. It may have been due to the early love and acceptance of his three best friends at school, or the trust and respect given to him by a powerful and wise man, or the conviction that the life he had struggled to make for himself was an honorable one. Whatever the reason, he found it very difficult to humiliate himself as he was expected to do in order to fit in.
Worse yet, the feral urge to launch himself at Greyback, to rip his heart out, was stronger than he had ever imagined it could be. Lupin had become an expert at hiding and containing his feelings over the years, but these wolves, they knew, they could smell rage and hatred on you. In spite of this, he had been accepted into the group warily. Many werewolves had reason to hate Greyback when they first arrived; in fact, he seemed to enjoy the fact that they had been forced to beg for shelter and protection from the man who had ruined their lives. It had made Lupin physically sick to do it, and Greyback's betas made him pay, with repeated taunts and physical attacks, for his attempt to live life as a non-werewolf.
By remaining quiet and unobtrusive, he had managed to fade into the background, and had almost settled into a routine. Greyback was gone a lot of the time, so he had a chance to sit back and observe the others, learning about the hierarchy of the group, the personalities of his new companions, their strengths and their weaknesses. So far, his subtle advances of friendship had been rejected by most of his fellows, so he had not been able to make any progress toward turning any of them back to the Light. The only ally that he had made was, unfortunately, someone smaller and weaker than he was, someone who needed his protection more than anything else, and didn't have anything to offer the Order, as a Muggle. Still it was nice to have someone to talk to.
His last transformation, his first complete one in over three years, had been truly horrible. They had sealed him off in a cave, not trusting him to run with the pack so soon after his arrival. He had awoken covered in his own blood, forced to heal his own wounds while in his weakened condition. He had tried to comfort himself with memories of his previous transformation, and Nymphadora's tender care, but the feelings of loss and longing that this evoked were too painful to bear.
Most of the time, his memories of her, though bittersweet, helped him to get through the days. The idea that someone was out there; thinking of him, worrying about him, seemed to anchor him to the world outside the pack, assuring that he wasn't pulled too far into the surreal life that was now his new reality.
At night, however, any thoughts of Nymphadora were torture. While his body ached for her, missing her physical warmth and the comfort and pleasure that her body had given him, his mind and heart missed her humor, her compassion, and her cheerful conversation. Those were things his fellow Lycans did not display in any measurable quantity. And the thought that she was undoubtedly out there, aching for him as well, sent him into deep chasms of guilt and depression.
His feelings about her and their future tended to shift violently. Sometimes he prayed that she would find someone, someone good and decent, to help her through her sadness. Other times he was overcome with the paralyzing fear that she would do exactly that, and he would never again get to wake up in the morning to see her cheerful smile and her beautiful eyes.
He had never expected to be able to rest easy amongst the wolves. Most nights, he would toss and turn for hours on his conjured mattress, clutching his wand, being regularly roused from near-sleep by sinister-sounding noises around him. He didn't trust a single one of his fellows, not even his new friend. Any one of them was capable of attempting to murder him in his sleep, whether for purposes of robbery or as revenge for some perceived insult. When he finally did sleep, his dreams were usually about Nymphadora; either torturously erotic, or frighteningly violent. Neither of them gave him any rest or peace.
Which is why he found himself tonight, like most nights, staring at the water-stained and cracked ceiling of a decrepit warehouse, surrounded by the stench of a hundred unwashed bodies. He tried to envision a day in the not-so-distant future where he would be surrounded by people who cared about him, people who thought he was fine and good. He would wear clean clothes and it wouldn't bother him in the least that they were patched and faded. He would sit in front of a roaring fire, drinking eggnog that had been liberally laced with whisky. He would take pleasure in the display of civilized manners and interesting, upbeat conversation. He would listen to music, and read a good book without worrying that someone was about to stab him in the back. If he could just hang in there for a little while longer, he would have all of that, and maybe more, at least for a couple of days. If he could just hang on a little while longer…
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A/N: Agh! This chapter was like pulling teeth! My muse decided to go and party in Vegas without me, leaving me with a demanding family and a Lucius/Molly/Arthur plot bunny that wouldn't be ignored.I kept trying to come back to this chapter, but chapter fifteen kept bumping it out of the way. That one should come a lot more quickly because it is all planned out in my head. But I had to come up with something interesting and somewhat lighthearted between Remus' departure and Christmas, and I was drawing a blank. And there is a great big Lupin/Tonks gap during that time period in HBP, with only one tiny little Tonks appearance. Fortunately, 'Awakenings' made me realize that I have been neglecting the 'Mollyness' in this story, and I thought I would give her a chance to get a little bawdy. Hey, the woman has seven kids! She deserves a girl's night, don'tyou think? And Arthur deserves some recognition as the virile man that he is.
Anyway, thanks again for the reviews! When the last chapter was published we were in the seventies, and now we've passed the 100 mark! Yippee! I love you all!. Now, please let me know if you enjoyed this chapter or not because I really did torture myself over it.