Chapter Sixteen

May True Be the Hearts that Love You.

Dear Nymphadora,

I am writing this letter purely for selfish reasons. Today I came closer to being murdered than I have in many years, and I suspect that I may have actually killed someone myself. Life is cheap, here, so I do not think there will be any recriminations for my actions, but I find myself thinking of you, and all the things that I have never told you. If I do not survive this assignment, and if you are clever enough to figure out that this is not simply a blank piece of parchment, I will have accomplished my purpose in writing it. It might give you some comfort to discover that my feelings for you, in spite of all of my attempts to suppress them, refused to be ignored. Much of what I am about to say, I wish I had taken the time to say that morning at Grimmauld Place, before I allowed my conscience to get the better of me.

One of my greatest regrets is that, in my earnest desire to spare you the pain and indignity that a life with me would bring, I have made you question your own desirability. Nymphadora let there be no mistake: I have wanted you almost from the moment I set eyes on you.

It was bit disconcerting to realize that the astonishingly lovely young woman with magenta hair who walked into that dull Order meeting two summers ago was the sweet, funny, and intelligent child that I had met years before. After spending a few hours in your company, I found it nearly impossible stop thinking about you.

I have never been the kind of person who was capable of lighting up a room. I have never sought out that kind of charisma, for obvious reasons. I was content to be known as kind-hearted, a good listener, sometimes even wryly amusing. Truly, I was like a tired old moth to your flame. I was fascinated by your vitality, and the way that you managed to put nearly everyone at ease. You found humor in everything, and saw the best in people even while recognizing their flaws. In other words, you were everything that I will never be. You reminded me of another beautiful, magnetic woman, and she was; like you, completely out of my reach, though we eventually became good friends.

I carried on, working with you, occasionally enjoying the rare gift of your undivided attention, hiding my feelings, as I had become so accustomed to doing, even from myself. It could have gone on like that for years. It never even occurred to me that you could have been persuaded to love me. I would have never even thought to attempt it. It was all a pleasant fantasy, a daydream, something to think of when I felt low.

You have always been so strong and independent that witnessing your grief that night came as a shock. Sirius' death and your injury had already unbalanced me. I knew how it felt to put on a brave face in order to hide your pain, and I also had experience with the solitary hell of attempting to master it on your own, and I realized that I could be of use to you. I would never have considered touching you or kissing you, but holding you was more than I could have ever hoped for, and it seemed to be what you needed.

Pity never entered into my mind. I hoped to comfort you, certainly, but I knew that I would receive more than that in return. And then, I was given a priceless gift: the fulfillment my deepest desires on the night when I felt I had lost nearly everything. The next day it seemed that my life had taken a turn for the better. I had hope again, for the first time in years.

But the darkness isn't that easy to ignore. I carry it with me; it is part of me. I admit that at first I underestimated you. I thought that at your age you could have no concept of the reality of my life. I thought that perhaps, having found yourself in bed with a werewolf, you decided that this was a grand adventure that might be fun to experience to the fullest. You would take me on in the manner of one of those 'causes,' which so many young women embrace passionately and then grow out of.

Your feelings are real. I know that now, and I apologize for having ever doubted them. My feelings are equally real, and more complex, I think. It is love for you, deep and abiding, that forces me to hurt you over and over again, to my profound regret. It is the sort of love that makes you willing to sacrifice your own happiness for the well being and eventual happiness of another. The love that you have shown me is by all indications, the same kind of love. You appear to be more than willing to sacrifice your safety and comfort in order to be with me. It is a tempting offer, but one that I feel I would be criminally selfish to accept.

Months ago, if you will recall, I teased you, saying that you were 'no Cinderella.' It is true, you are not the kind of heroine that would sit around waiting for her prince to come and get her, shoe in hand. You are more like Elizabeth Bennett. But, clearly, nobody would ever confuse me with Mr. Darcy. I suppose the best I could hope for is Edward Rochester, or even Edward Ferrars, or Colonel Brandon, (without the money) none of whom would ever have made Elizabeth Bennett happy.

The point that I am trying to make is that the lack is in me, not in you, never in you. You deserve better than me and my shabby treatment of you; you deserve more than my shabby life.

To have been loved by you was an honor, and my loving you in return was inevitable.

Remus

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Andromeda Tonks lay her head against the familiar barrel chest of her husband, soothed by his heartbeat. His right arm held her close and his left hand rested on his favorite spot on her hip.

"Ted…"

"Yes, love?"

"I have been thinking…"

He chuckled softly. "Of course you have."

"About Nymphadora."

That got his attention. He reached over and, with a flick of his wand, increased the flame of the candle burning on the nightstand. "What is it?"

"Well, actually, it is about children and parents in general, and how they tend to make you re-think your expectations."

"Have you two been fighting again?"

"No, that's not it at all, Ted. What I mean is that…" She propped herself up and looked directly into his eyes. "Well, I want you to think about what you imagined when you found out I was pregnant."

"Okay, then, I remember."

She smiled warmly at the sentimentality of his expression. "I'll wager that you imagined throwing a quaffle around with a little boy; the spitting image of you, but with my dark hair."

"Well, not exactly, but…"

"And I pictured at least four children, two boys and two girls, to make up for the family that I didn't have."

"Oh, Andie…"

"Don't apologize, Ted, I am not trying to make you sad, just to make a point. Anyway, when I found out that she was a girl, what did I go and do?"

He let out a great bark of laughter. "You turned the bloody nursery into a giant pink meringue."

She rolled her eyes, trying to suppress a smile. "Yes, exactly. Clearly, I imagined a little girl who I would have tea parties with, dressing her in pink and bows and telling her fairy stories. What did I get instead? A tree-climbing, Quidditch-playing, scabby-kneed little girl who used her doll's shaved heads as Bludgers."

"But Andie…"

"I am not criticizing out daughter, Teddy. I love her and am very proud of her just as she is. That doesn't mean that I didn't have to suppress urges to try to turn her into the daughter of my imaginings. I could never blame her for it, because they were my imaginings, not hers. And, let us be frank, you have had to do the same thing too, even though she probably was more of the child that you pictured than the one I did."

"A tomboy, you mean."

"Yes, well, I imagine that it gave you some pause when you found out she had chosen such a dangerous career. I'm sure you pictured her doing something worthwhile, of course, but you wished that you could feel safer about her."

Taken aback, he insisted, "I'm proud that she is an Auror. Impressed, too."

"Yes, of course you are, darling. We both are. But I am sure that it took some adjustment in your thinking."

His eyes narrowed. "Yes, it did, but not as much as this new business, the really dangerous one, which she managed to rope you into, also…"

"Ted, I had to nag her silly in order for her to put me in contact with anyone. She didn't talk me into anything."

"Still…"

With an exasperated sigh, Andromeda continued. "The point I am making now is that we are about to enter into a time of big changes, and I think that it is important to make sure that we are prepared for them."

"You mean the war?"

Andromeda slid over to the side of the mattress, picking up her nightgown from the floor. While she slipped it on, she said, "Not exactly, although that may be a factor. Ted, she's grown up a lot, recently, particularly in the last six months. One of these days she's going to bring somebody special home to meet us."

"Well, you've been wanting that for years, and I think I'm ready for it. I know she's not a little girl anymore."

"But are you prepared to drop any expectations you may have about her future husband?" She sat up, cross-legged, looking at him pointedly.

"I don't have any expectations."

"Of course you do, darling, don't be silly. You want someone who is worthy of her, don't you? Somebody that will treat her well, and make her happy."

"And is there something wrong with that?

"Not at all, Ted. I just want you to remember that my parents wanted the same things for me."

His face grew flushed, and there was resentment in his eyes. "Now Andie, that's not fair. Your parents were…"

"Fanatics? Snobs? Nutters?" She laughed wryly and reached out to pat his hand. "All of the above, darling, and more, but they were doing what they thought was best for me."

His mouth was set in an irritated line. "I can't believe you are defending them after how they treated you."

"I was more angry with their treatment of you, darling. And because of their stubborn closed-mindedness, they lost a daughter, and a granddaughter, and a chance to get to know a truly wonderful son-in law." She leant over to kiss him, cupping his face in her hands.

"Well, good riddance, I say." He muttered, averting his eyes.

"And I hope you remember that feeling when Nymphadora tells us she's fallen in love."

He met her eyes again, with an indignant expression. "I would never behave that way, Andie. Have you ever known me to be judgmental?"

"No, but when it comes to your daughter, you might hold your standards up higher than normal."

"How bad could it be? I mean as long as he's decent, and I feel like I can trust him, I'll keep an open mind."

"What if you felt, for example, that he was dangerous to her?"

"Dangerous?"

"What if he were a person with a criminal record?"

He shook his head, replying in a firm tone, "Dora wouldn't choose someone like that, she's an Auror."

"Ted, my cousin was a convicted mass-murderer, although we both know that he was, in reality a very good person, a hero even! Why, Albus Dumbledore was known as a criminal only just last year!"

"I see your point, love, In this day and age, with the Ministry that we have right now, 'criminal' is sort of a relative term, isn't it?"

She nodded, sagely, and he asked, "Andie, has she been dating a criminal; is that what this is about?"

"I am just trying to prepare you for the worst, darling. Let me give you another example. What if she brought home someone who was a good person, who she loved dearly, but who, by making a life with our daughter, would subject her to prejudice and hatred?"

"Like what I did to you, you mean." There was bitterness in his voice.

"No, darling, I've never cared what pureblood fanatics think of me! But what if she chose someone unconventional? For example what if her future husband was in fact…a wife?"

His ruddy face grew pale. After a very long pause he said, hesitantly, "I guess…I would have to …Do you really think that's possible, Andie?"

"Well, it's certainly something in the realm of possibility; although I'm fairly certain that it isn't true. But I did consider it. I mean really, Ted: short, spiky hair, an athlete, working in a male-dominated profession…She fits every stereotype!"

"Oh, Andie…"

"How would you react, Ted? Would you explode first, losing your temper and alienating her, like my parents did?"

"I don't think…" He sighed "I reckon I see what you mean about being prepared… And, I guess it would depend on the person, wouldn't it?"

She smiled, squeezed his hand, and continued. "All right, then, how about this: what if he…or she were poor?"

"'I've been poor, Andie, I remember what it was like. You know I'm no snob. As long as he is willing to work at it, he wouldn't be poor forever."

"What if he was…unemployed?"

"There's plenty of work to be had, isn't there? I mean you couldn't expect me to be happy about a man who is willing to sponge off my daughter."

"But, what if there were extenuating circumstances. What if he were sick, or…"

"Ok, ok, Andromeda Black, you great bloody nag! I see your point! I would keep my mouth shut, put a smile on my face and reserve judgement! And offer him a job." He muttered the last part under his breath. At her raised eyebrow, he continued, crossly, "Then, if I find him to be a shifty, good for nothing lay-about, I would slip a little poison into his beer. Or, better yet, frighten him away by taking him out back and beating him into a bloody pulp…."

"Ted!"

"I know, Andie! I guess…as long as he loved her, and she loved him…I would have to accept just about anything, wouldn't I?"

"Good." She sat back, with a satisfied smirk on her face.

He narrowed his eyes and teased, "And you would keep your mouth shut, too, would you, my love? But then again, you'll be to busy trying to read his mind to talk much, won't you?"

Her eyebrow went back up. "I've already tried, darling."

He snorted with laughter. Then, suddenly, the meaning of her words hit him and he turned back to her sharply. "What, exactly do you mean by that, woman?"

"I think…I'm not positive, but I've got a very good idea…I'm almost certain…Ted, I think our little girl has fallen in love with a werewolf."

"A WHAT?" Crimson suffused his face, and he suddenly seemed to grow larger

"A werewolf, darling. A thoughtful, intelligent, witty, and brave werewolf with lovely manners." She looked at him, imploring him to be calm.

"So you know this man, she's introduced you already?"

"Not even close. She just…let something slip, and it would explain so much of her behavior, and his, too. He was so wary of me, and I just assumed it was because he didn't want me finding out what he is, but I now suspect he was trying to hide his feelings for our daughter."

"You've lost me, Andie. I believe I need you to start all over, and don't skip any details, either, because I am about to seriously lose my temper."

"Well, you see, love…"

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Oh, god, he's hurt, there's something wrong. I can't take it anymore. I just know there's something wrong.

Tonks watched the parade of seventeen-year-olds make their way into Hogsmeade, clearly nervous and excited. She tried to get her mind off her worry for Remus by remembering her own Apparition test. She had been very lucky to get by the on the first try. She knew that she had left behind one of her eyebrows, but that was one of the rewards of being a Metamorphmagus. She was able to create a new one before anyone had noticed. Anyone but Snape, that is, for he glared at her at her but was kind enough not to say anything.

He had more than made up for whatever uncharacteristic benevolence he had displayed on that day by his snarky comments about her Patronus last fall, though. Only Snape would be arrogant enough to call a wolf weak.

I can't seem to get wolves off my mind, can I? She worried about him after every full moon, of course, but this one seemed to bother her more than others. She had woken up after a mere two hours sleep and opened her paper with trepidation. The story about the little boy that died was bad enough, but then she heard a vague rumor from one of her colleagues about a dead werewolf that had been found early this morning on a rural lane in Derbyshire.

Molly had heard nothing but she had been kind enough to contact Arthur at work for her, and he had heard nothing either. This seemed to be something that only the Auror Corps knew about, but then again, most people were apt to respond with nothing less than satisfied relief if they were told that there was one less werewolf to worry about in England.

Only Dumbledore himself would be able to contact Remus, if anyone could, and the knowledge that he was so nearby while she was forced to stay at her post was almost torturous. She paced in agitation. Finally, at about one, Dawlish came over to give her a short lunch break. With a pounding heart, she raced toward the castle, determined to find the Headmaster and get some answers.

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"Surprise, Darling!"

"Mum! Dad!" What are you doing in Hogsmeade?" She opened her door widely, allowing them to enter her flat.

Andromeda reached over with one arm to pull her close, brushing her carmine lips against Tonks' pale cheek. "We brought you dinner, darling."

"She thinks you need to eat more," Ted, said, kissing his daughter's forehead and giving her a look of apology followed by a great big bear hug. "And I haven't seen you in weeks, so I didn't try too hard to talk her out of it.

"I could use the company," she said, and it was, surprisingly, the truth. Hogwarts had turned out to be a wasted errand that afternoon and she was making herself mad with speculation, sitting at home by herself. She had tried to pick up Remus' book, but couldn't concentrate. She tried to read his letter, but his words sounded a little too much like a suicide note under the circumstances.

As Andromeda strode to the kitchen to fetch china and cutlery, Ted sat his daughter down on the couch, draping an arm around her. She rested her head on his shoulder and snuggled up against him, as she had done thousands of times before.

"Wotcher, Dora. What's new?"

"I'm working, hard, Dad, that's about it."

"Frustrating, is it? Not being able to find the bad guys?"

"Yeah, Dad. I'm a little discouraged."

"I was thinking about doing a little hike this weekend; taking in a little fresh air and scenery. Are you up for it, Dora? "

"That sounds really nice. Can I let you know tomorrow?"

"Sure thing, love. Or, if you like, we can do it next weekend. I brought you over a little strengthening tonic I've been working on. I want you to start taking it. I even made it mango-flavored."

"You're sweet, Dad."

Andromeda laid out a meal on Tonks' coffee table, expanding the surface in order to accommodate the vast amounts of food she had brought. Tonks pulled out her beanbag chair, motioning to her dad to take it, and pulled up a couple of large, soft, brightly colored pillows for her mother and herself. By the time an hour had passed, Tonks had eaten more than she had in days, and her parents, with their customary banter, had managed to cheer her up considerably.

She got up to start a pot of coffee in the kitchen, leaving her parents to nuzzle each other while sharing a serving of chocolate mousse. Just as she started to measure out the coffee beans, generously in deference to her mother's love of strong coffee, she heard her name called softly to her right.

Remus. She spun around to see his head in her fire. With a sharp intake of breath, she knelt down, resisting the urge to pull him into her kitchen and kiss him silly. "Remus!" she said in an urgent whisper. "You're ok! I am so glad to see you. I have been panicked. Someone said they'd found a slain werewolf."

"I have no doubt they did," said Remus, in a hoarse, bitter voice. "And, after last night, there will probably be more."

"What happened? Where are you?"

"Listen, Nymphadora, I don't want you to get into trouble, so let's get off the Floo quickly. I need your help. I am at the house you told me about. I have someone here who is badly hurt, but I can't risk St. Mungos. Do you know where Dumbledore is?"

"I'm sorry, Remus, I went looking for him today, but no one knows where he is."

"Do you have any way of getting Blood Replenishing Potion?"

"My Dad's here. He can get some."

"I don't want your parents to get into trouble."

"I'll be discreet, Remus. I'll manage. I'll be there soon. Is there anything else you need?"

"No, just try to hurry." She started to scramble to her feet.

"Nymphadora," he said, and as she turned back to him, he met her eyes with a look of blazing emotion. "Thanks."

Relief warred internally with dread of the unknown situation facing her. She took a calming breath and walked back into her living room. "Mum, Dad, I have to go. I got called out to an emergency." There, that was true, anyway.

"What can I do to help, Nymphadora?" Andromeda asked, her eyebrows knit in concern.

"Nothing, Mum, I can handle it. But Dad, I want to go with a few potions in hand. Can I pop by your place and get them?"

Andromeda interrupted. "Why don't we go back to the house and get what you need. Then we can bring it to wherever you are going."

"No, Mum, you can't, you're…It's not safe."

"Oh, for heaven's sake, darling, he was my partner. I think that Dumbledore knew what he was doing when he assigned me to him. And now you want to go and rummage through your father's Potions storehouse, having no clue where everything is, and not really understanding what you might need. Plus, you are nowhere near as good as I am at healing spells. So it makes more sense to send your father after the potions and let me come with you."

All of the blood seemed to rush out of her body. "I really wish you wouldn't eavesdrop, Mother."

There was not a trace of apology in her mother's eyes. "Yes, I know, but you would have done the same thing."

"This isn't like what you've been doing, Mum. I can't take you with me. It's too dangerous."

"And yet, you expect your parents to send you off into danger alone."

"It's different for me, Mum, I've already…It's different."

"Nymphadora I will never, for the life of me, understand why you insist on underestimating me! I read the paper! I have a nearly photographic memory. I've known about his 'big secret' from the very beginning, and I have had enough discretion not to mention it to him or to anyone else. I've also guessed that he's been on a dangerous mission all these months, and, based on the day of the month, I have a pretty good idea about what we are facing. Now if Remus or someone else is hurt, I want to help!"

Tonks was torn between admiration and exasperation towards her mother. She glared at her, resentfully, and Andromeda stared back, unwaveringly, one eyebrow raised in a challenge. The uncomfortable silence stretched on for what seemed like hours.

Finally, Ted broke the tension. "Right, then, we'd better get a move on, hadn't we? Blood Replenishing Potion was asked for, I believe. And, perhaps, a wound-repair cream and a bruise-healing paste. Anything else you can think of, Dora?"

She turned to her father, but didn't meet his eyes. "Archie's Balm, Daddy. Remus will probably be sore, even if he's not injured."

"I'll bring that, too, then. I presume that when he mentioned, 'that place you told me about', he was referring to Dad's place?"

"Yeah."

"I'll see you in a bit, then."

As soon as Ted Disapparated, Andromeda turned to her daughter and said, "I'll give you two minutes to prepare him for my arrival. That will be long enough for me to pack up the food and take it along. And, Nymphadora, don't even think about warding the place against us.

Tonks was unconsciously grinning when she appeared at the back door of her grandfather's house.

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He looked bad. Scary bad. His clothes were torn and stained with blood. It looked as if he hadn't eaten in days. His cheeks were hollow and his eyes were sunken. There were partially healed cuts all over his face, vivid red against his pale skin. Tonks threw her arms around him, and he clung to her as if she were a life preserver.

After a few moments, she said, "Remus, I have to tell you. Mum is going to be here any minute."

"Bloody hell, Nymphadora. I thought I made it clear…" He pulled away and began pacing the floor in agitation.

"I'm sorry Remus! You know how ruthless she is; she eavesdropped! I tried to talk her out of it. But she had a point: she's a much better healer than I am."

"You don't understand. Last night…it was bad. There was a huge fight, and I was in the thick of it. I've brought a…as a matter of fact, I've brought Julie here. She's very badly injured. They…tend to prey on the weak."

"I reckoned it might be her. So, how did the fight start?"

He waved away her question. "Nymphadora, your mother can't get involved. There may be…repercussions, if she helps. I have to get us out of here."

"No one but my immediate family can find you at this house. This is the safest place in the world for you. And besides, you look like you could use a little medical attention, yourself."

"No, I have to..." He ran both his hands though his hair.

With her arms crossed, Tonks raised herself up to her full height and gave him a challenging glare. "Remus Lupin, you are going to stay put. You have to trust people to be decent occasionally. My mother is coming to help you because she likes you. She's been worrying about you the entire time you were gone! My father is coming to help…yes, Remus, he is coming, because he has a ready supply of whatever medicines you might need. You trust me, and they raised me, so you are going to have to trust them, too!"

He watched her, eyes narrowed, for a moment, and then his shoulders slumped in defeat. He must have been exhausted to give in that easily.

"Now, Remus, why don't you kiss me, before my mum arrives and then you can take me to meet Julie."

"I haven't showered…"

"You think I haven't figured that out already? Come over here and kiss me, you smelly old werewolf!"

And he did, with all of the love and longing he'd ever felt for her, until they heard the click of Andromeda's heels on the marble entryway.

A/N: See, I am capable of quick updates! I knew that a long wait after a cliffhanger would be unforgivable, and I wrote the letter the day I posted the last chapter. Thisis a strange one, with the senior Tonkses sort of taking over the chapter. I hope that Remus has managed to redeem himself a little to those that were getting annoyed with him. However, based upon Tonks' level of heartache in the HBP, I couldn't let him off easily.

Let me know what you think!