Chapter Nineteen
Bright star, would I were steadfast as thou art
Damn it, he has to see me, he can't keep doing this, the goddamn coward!
Nymphadora Tonks entered the door at number twelve, Grimmauld Place as quietly as was humanly possible, especially for a human who happened to have two left feet. Remus had been avoiding her for weeks, somehow managing to leave the premises every time she entered Headquarters. She was determined to confront him, however, and if she had to sneak in stealthily, she would do her best to manage it.
It was such a stupid argument, and yes, I overreacted, but he did too, and now he's being more stubborn than he was last summer!
She began to tiptoe down the hallway, but the noises coming from the kitchen made it apparent that stealth was completely unnecessary.
She entered the kitchen and was immediately dazzled by an explosion of bright red hair and loud, joyful voices. There were far more Weasleys than could ever have been expected to be together at six on a weeknight in the middle of spring, and she wondered how Ron, who was seated at the table, had managed to leave school in the middle of term. But when Molly called out her name in greeting, he stood up and began to turn towards her. Not tall enough to be Ron, unless he took a shrinking solution, and much more muscular…
"Charlie!" she squealed, and rushed toward him, throwing her arms around his neck. He picked her up as if she weighed less than a house elf, and spun her around, grinning.
"Tonks, love, is it just me or do you feel a lot lighter? You don't weigh much more than a dragon's egg."
"New diet, don't you know; nothing but grapefruit and red wine. I'm doing my best to look like one of those Witch Weekly cover girls."
"Liar."
"Whatcha doing here? How long are you staying? What've you been doing?"
"Making a report—staying two days—and bringing a new welsh green into the world, respectively."
Molly interrupted with a cough as Charlie put his burden down gently. "He's also coming to get a few proper meals in his belly. That foreign food is far too spicy for a good digestion."
"Yeah, I forgot to mention, I've come to be nagged and pestered a bit, too." Charlie said, walking over to put his arm around his mother. "Next thing you know, she'll be after me to cut my hair, berating me for my tattoos and then she'll start wondering aloud when I'm going to find a nice girl, settle down, and give her grandchildren."
Molly snorted, and Charlie, after kissing her cheek, looked back at Tonks and said, "What d'you say, Tonks; wanna help make my Mum a grandmum?"
Molly looked at Tonks with a horrified expression and Tonks was a little hurt to think that perhaps Molly found the idea of her as a daughter-in-law unsettling. But as Molly's eyes darted to the corner of the kitchen, Tonks realized that Remus was standing there, teacup in hand, watching the whole exchange with a look in his eyes reminiscent of a cornered stray dog.
"Wotcher, Remus," she said brightly. "Didn't see you over there."
"Hello, Tonks."
She frowned, but immediately afterward put on the cheeriest expression she could muster. "I was hoping to have a word with you."
"Well, I…" He broke off awkwardly.
Molly, taking pity on him, said, "You can talk over whatever it is after dinner, which will be ready in about ten minutes. You're staying, of course, Tonks. And Remus, you are too. I've made shepherds pie."
Neither of them thought to argue with her when she used that tone of voice, and so within half an hour found themselves sitting down at the magically expanded table which groaned with the weight of the food that Molly had made. They sat on opposite sides of the table, but not close enough for Tonks to touch his feet with one of her own. She ended up hitting Fred, who looked over at her and waggled his eyebrows suggestively. She was tempted to take a peek into his mind to see if he was taking her seriously, but reckoned that a glimpse into the mind of a nineteen year-old bloke would probably scar her for life. This wasn't just any bloke, either - it was one of the twins, who were - to say the least - devilishly creative.
This gave her the idea to make a quick probe into Remus' brain, hoping that he would be too distracted to have put up an effective barrier. He'd refused to even look in her direction since he sat down, so she felt a little less guilty about legilimency than she normally would have.
Stubborn git. He had anticipated her, naturally, and the suggestion that she found lurking in there, for her benefit, was one that Remus would never have deigned to utter aloud. She blushed, and turned her attention back to her food and to Charlie, who was reminiscing about the raucous party that they had attended a few days after their final day at Hogwarts. This brought about a few reminiscences from Bill, Fred, George and even Fleur about their end-of-school parties. George tried to draw Lupin into the conversation, hoping for details about Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prong's escapades. Remus was somewhat tight-lipped, mumbling that he had been in too much a hurry to find work and that Lily and James were in a hurry to get married to celebrate much, though he recalled Sirius and Peter had popped over to Amsterdam for a week of unfettered licentiousness.
The brief mention of marriage of marriage was enough to set Fleur off on a tangent about wedding plans, which left everyone listening with half an ear and pained expressions. Bill somehow managed to nod and shake his head at all the appropriate moments with his fiancée while still carrying on an earnest conversation with his visiting brother in which they hatched a plan for an extended pub crawl after dinner. Fred agreed to the plan immediately, but George reminded him that they had a meeting scheduled with an importer from Tasmania who had a tempting array of products they had been thinking of adding to their stock. The Tasmanian wizard was returning to his side of the globe in the morning, so the meeting was essentially mandatory. Fred grumbled, but assured his elder brothers that they would join the party later. Tonks and Remus were invited in turn; Tonks agreed at once, looking at Remus pointedly, and Remus, under pressure, said that he would try to finish his paperwork in time to join the group.
Tonks thought that an evening in mixed company with alcohol involved was a pretty good way to re-establish communication with Remus, and abandoned her earlier plan to throw his letter in his face, demanding acknowledgment of his feelings. Of course, it wouldn't hurt to have an attractive young wizard flirting shamelessly with her in front of him, or rather, three, if the twins came out in time. This seemed to be an occasion which required all the weapons at her disposal, so when she told them that she was going to nip upstairs to her room in order to find something suitable to wear (they had agreed to mix wizard pubs with Muggle pubs, and Tonks had been more than happy to supply a few suggestions) she instead apparated from her room to her own flat. There, she put into use everything that her mother and her formerly useless dorm-mates had tried to teach her about self-improvement of the physical nature. She descended the stairs cautiously (due to the shoes) but with an aura of self-confidence, and when she re-entered the kitchen, Charlie let out a low whistle of appreciation. This caused Remus, who was sitting at the table in a discussion with Arthur, to turn and he turned back again just as quickly, answering Arthur's question with a hoarser voice than normal. Bill and Fleur joined them a minute later, and the filthy look that Fleur sent Tonks' way only increased her confidence. Fleur tugged Bill out of the kitchen as quickly as possible, asking him to help her find her cloak, and Arthur followed a moment later, pulling on his own cloak in preparation of his Order duties for the evening.
Tonks turned to Remus, giving him the megawatt smile that her mother had perfected. "You're coming with us, of course, Remus."
"No, Nymphadora, I'd better not."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am."
"Because we'd really like you to come."
"I have things to do."
"But…"
Charlie interrupted, a little puzzled. "Tonks, give the man a break, won't you? He's not in the mood."
"I'll bet he isn't," she said caustically.
"Remus," she said a moment later, once Charlie had left the kitchen to gather up Bill and Fleur. "Why won't you come?"
"Because I do not fit into your little foursome. I am not the type of man who enjoys going out drinking and dancing. In any case, I'm still very tired from the transformation."
"Then I'll stay here with you."
"No, you will not. You have no reason not to go out."
"Yes, I do."
"No, Nymphadora. You do not. We have discussed this over and over again. You need to let go and start moving on. This is perfect, actually."
"You have discussed this. I have argued against it."
"But you are not happy with what I am willing to offer, and I feel guilty enough about the compromises I have already made. I will not backtrack this time. We are not going to be together. Not temporarily, and certainly not permanently."
"So, is this what you really want, for me to go out with other blokes?"
"I've said so, haven't I?"
"Yes, but you also told me that 'the wolf' is jealous."
"I have control over the wolf most of the time. And I told you that when I had some intention of making a go of all this. Now I do not, so you are free."
"Am I free to do a little flirting?"
"Yes, you are."
"What about snogging, Remus? Will you be upset if I do that?"
Remus' face reddened slightly, but his voice was pleasant as he asked, "What part of free do you not understand?"
"Free to fuck someone else tonight if I care to?"
His eyes narrowed. "Well, if you are going to hop into bed on the first date… regardless, it's none of my concern."
"Wouldn't be the first date with Charlie, would it?"
Remus blanched visibly. "Charlie? I thought…you said that you two didn't suit that way…that you were better off as friends."
"Well, he would be the perfect 'rebound bloke' then, wouldn't he? In any case, I've always cared about him. And, he's matured a lot since school. Who knows, maybe it would work this time around."
After staring at her for a few long moments, his face inscrutable, Remus said, "Well, as I previously stated, you are free…"
She taunted, "Perhaps I'd better take him back to my place, instead of coming back here tonight. I'm not sure if silencing spells would do any good against your wolf ears, and I wouldn't want to be cruel."
"Stop it, Nymphadora," he said, his teeth clenched.
She spat, "Oh, does it bother you? Because you did say that I was free, didn't you? I just want to make sure you really understand what it is that you are asking me to do. Will you be able to stick around after you realize that I am giving myself freely to another man? Will you be able to attend my wedding? With you be able to stand the sight of me carrying another man's child?"
"You're playing with fire…"
"No, love, Charlie plays with fire. Damn sexy when he does it, too. I play with wolves. But my wolf doesn't want me any more, apparently."
"Nymphadora," he said sternly.
"So just answer me, Remus Lupin. Are you gonna make a claim on me, or am I free to bring Charlie or any other bloke into the same bed that we made love in?"
He stiffened. "Your personal life is no longer my concern, Tonks."
"Then don't wait up for me, Lupin." She left the kitchen with as much dignity as she could muster, slamming the door behind her.
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Charlie and Tonks faced each other across a small round table in a noisy, smoke-filled bar.
Charlie, after raising his mug to her and taking a long swig of ale, asked, "So what's wrong with that Remus bloke? Bill said he's pretty cool, but he seemed a little cold to me."
Tonks came to Remus' defense, although at the moment she felt that he was the coldest person she had ever had the misfortune to meet, including her Slytherin relatives. "Cold, no. You just caught him on a bad day."
"Oh. I thought maybe he didn't like me."
She looked up quickly. "Really? Why would you say that?"
"He was kind of stiff and formal with me, but I saw him being really nice to Mum."
"It takes him a while to warm up to people."
"So you're pretty good friends?" he asked. You really seemed anxious for him to come with us."
"Yeah, we're pretty good friends. Or we were. I don't know anymore." She shook her head, looking down at the sticky floor.
"You okay Tonks?"
She inhaled and mustered a dazzling smile. "Yeah, brilliant. Dance with me, will you?"
The song they stepped out into the middle of, one that all of the Muggles seemed to know quite well, had a heavy base line and lyrics that fell just short of obscene. Tonks was never particularly graceful, and this fact was at its most obvious on a dance floor, but Charlie was used to it, and managed to guide her into some semblance of a rhythm. With a great deal of laughter they survived the rest of the song, with his toes and their neighbor's backsides being the only casualties. The next song was equally infectious - encouraging them to 'shake their booties' which were instructions easy enough for even Tonks to follow with some success.
The third song was a good deal slower. Charlie pulled her into his arms easily and she allowed herself to be led into a gentle swaying rhythm.
"Great place, Tonks," he said, his breath warm against her ear.
"Yeah, I've been here once before and had a great time. We brought Sirius…" She cut herself off, unwilling to revisit that particular memory. She had suggested the place hoping that Remus would join them, making this a sentimental evening that would bring them closer together.
She was glad that Charlie and indeed Bill and Fleur seemed to be enjoying themselves. She seemed to be the only one of the quartet who had any experience with Muggle pubs and dance clubs. Bill and Fleur had not left the dance floor for any other reason than to refill their drinks. They seemed to be taking full advantage of the opportunity to do little more than snog vertically in time to music. It was rather uncomfortable for the other two to watch, so they chose to dance at the opposite end of the floor.
"So, are you going to tell me what's wrong?"
"Nothing's wrong, Charlie. I'm having a great time."
"A little too good of a time if you ask me," he said, indicating her glass back at the table, which held her third martini.
"I thought we were supposed to be getting pissed tonight."
"Yeah, but you're not enjoying it."
"I'm fine."
"You look a little tired, too."
"Come on, Charlie, didn't your dad ever warn you not to say that to a girl? Besides, you seemed to think I looked pretty good when I came into the kitchen." She raised an eyebrow suggestively.
"Well, I was looking at your legs, wasn't I? Never seen you in a dress before, especially one so short. And low, too, on top." He lowered his eyes to her neckline and grinned at the color flooding her cheeks. After a moment he continued, in a more serious tone, "I only just got around to really looking at your face a few minutes ago. That's when I noticed some reddish pink color on your mouth, which you never used to use. Blimey, I would have been covered in it by the time you finished with me! But underneath it, you are white as a ghost and your eyes are tired. The only time I used to see you looking anything like this was when we lost a match."
"Well, shit. That's the last time I bother with cosmetics if it's so obvious, and useless to boot. I guess I was trying to make a point," she muttered.
"To me?"
She sighed, "No, well, not exactly. I just wanted to feel girly and maybe just a little shaggable."
"You'll always be more than shaggable to me, love. You're the girl I didn't have, after all." He seemed to consider his words for a moment, then continued, slowly. "Err, Tonks, you know that all my family write to me, don't you?"
"Yes, of course, Charlie."
"Well, sometimes they have trouble coming up with new and interesting things to say to me, or in the case of my baby brother, they are too embarrassed to admit what a mess they have made of their lives, so they talk about other people."
"Do they?" she asked, her eyes narrowing.
"And, you ought to know that your name came up in almost everybody's letters from time to time."
"Really? Everybody?"
"I reckon they thought that since we were friends that I would want to know that you were going through a bad time. And to be honest, there was a little wild speculation as to why you were so down in the dumps. Anyway, back to Ron, he had a rather implausible theory; he thought you were heartsick. That maybe you'd lost someone you were in love with."
"Did he, now?" Ron had never seemed particularly insightful to Tonks, but then again…
"Apparently he and his friends had discussed it," Charlie admitted
"They did what?"
"And they decided that perhaps you had fallen in love…"
"Oh for pity's sake!" she sputtered.
"…Because your Patronus had changed…"
"Haven't people got anything better to do?"
"He asked me if it was possible that you and Sirius Black had been involved." Charlie grimaced, clearly anticipating an outburst.
"Bloody Hell, has everyone in the world gone mad?"
"Not the first person to suggest it, eh?"
"What kind of idiotic…My goddamn cousin! What kind of person would choose a boyfriend who looks exactly like a parent?"
"Sirius didn't look like your dad," Charlie pointed out, confusion in his eyes.
"My mum, you idiot!"
"Oh yeah, I guess he did look like your mum! That would be a little odd. But picking someone like a parent isn't unheard of. I mean it's not like I have avoided all redheaded women just because they might resemble my mum somewhat. To be honest, redheads are hard to come by in Romania, so I tend to notice them more if anything." He grinned, the tips of his ears going pink.
"Yeah, but Sirius looked like Mum for a reason. And it wasn't just a resemblance; it was an uncanny one. It would have been creepy."
Yeah, I reckon it would have. However, I am told that Harry Potter has been sucking face with my baby sister, who looks uncannily like his mother," he grumbled. "And you and Sirius did spend a lot of time together."
"Well, I think you are all a little sick, twisted and utterly and completely wrong!"
"So, who is it then? And why did your Patronus change into a dog?"
"It's nobody! I've just had a bad year. And I don't understand why my Patronus changed. And to be honest, I came out tonight to forget all about crap like this, so please just shut up and dance with me or buy me another drink, and let's talk about anything but speculations on my love life." She found herself mortifyingly close to tears, but once again, her gallant Seeker came to the rescue, turning the conversation up on end.
"How else am I supposed to find out if you are going to let me snog you, or more?"
"The same way you always do; by snogging me, you great prat! If I pull away or slap you, then you'll have your answer."
"So I have to risk rejection. You're not going to make it easy for me?"
"Are you a Gryffindor or not, Charlie Weasley?"
He leaned into her, meeting her eyes and grinning wickedly as he barely brushed his mouth against hers. It was familiar as ever, but felt foreign at the same time. She decided to give it another try, and kissed him in return, a little deeper, with more contact between their bodies. He pulled her closer, his arm wrapped around her waist, his hips swaying against hers in time to the music. She waited for that release of tension, that little sigh that encompassed her body and soul, allowing herself to just feel and forget about the world around her. It had always been so easy, so comfortable with Charlie. He was kind and considerate, and always a lot of fun to be near. But it was taking a lot longer than normal for the feel of his chapped lips and the stubble from his jaw against her face, his powerful arms and callused hands on her body to work their magic. Once again, she felt close to tears. With a growl of frustration, she threw her arms around his neck, kissing him fiercely, opening her mouth wider to tangle her tongue with his.
Right about this point the tempo of the music changed and he pulled away from her with a groan, taking her hand and leading her off the dance floor. As she sat back in her stool, her eyes fixed on her drink, he kissed her cheek and left to procure refills. She sat alone, shaking slightly and struggling to hold back the floodgates behind her eyes. It's bloody unfair! He's completely ruined me for other men. She scanned the crowd, watching the other couples dance happily.
Tonks remembered the first time that she had coaxed Remus onto this very dance floor, how surprised she had been by his grace and the strength of his arms around her. She recalled the chills that she had felt when she heard his voice speaking low against her ear, and the lovely scent she had discovered when she laid her cheek against his chest. Impatiently, she wiped at her eyes and looked up to find Bill Weasley staring at her across the floor, suspiciously. Yeah, he would have been smart enough to know the difference between a dog and a wolf, and was probably wondering what the hell she was doing with her tongue down his brother's throat. She looked away, blushing furiously.
When Charlie returned, she couldn't quite meet his eyes but accepted a drink gratefully.
"Do you want to get out of here, Tonks?" he asked, and she looked up at him, panicked, not quite prepared mentally to reject him. His face, however, had a kind and understanding smile on it and he reached over to brush a tear away from the corner of her eye with his thumb. "Maybe we could go get some tea or coffee somewhere quiet."
"Yeah, I'd like that," she said, and gathered up her things to leave. Charlie, after leaving a tip and waving across the dance floor to his brother, helped her put on her jacket, then they exited the club into the cool night air. He reached down to hold her hand companionably.
"You know I love you, don't you, Charlie? You're one in a million."
He gave her hand a reassuring squeeze. "I love you, too, Tonks. Now, why don't you tell me where to find the cocksucker who had broken your heart, so I can beat the shit out of him."
Her vision grew blurry from unshed tears and she swallowed hard. "Not a cocksucker, Charlie, but I appreciate the offer."
"Okay, an arsehole."
She sighed, "Yeah, you can call him that, but I still don't want you beating him up. The trouble is, he thinks he's doing the right thing, and I can't convince him otherwise."
"I don't get it."
"No, you wouldn't. The stupid sod is convinced he's unworthy of me."
"Well, clearly he is unworthy of you if he's made you cry," he said gently.
"You wouldn't understand. You've always had such amazing self-confidence."
Charlie snorted in derision. "Are you kidding? I was a short, poor kid with bright red hair, covered in freckles and wearing my brother's ill-fitting robes. Confidence is something you have to work at."
Tonks' mouth dropped open in shock. Charlie, insecure? Maybe there's hope for Remus after all.
Then it occurred to her that there really was no comparison between the two men, and she said sadly,"Well, at his age, I don't think that it is going to ever happen."
They entered a teashop, but decided to get their drinks in Styrofoam cups and continue with their walk. Charlie continued to hold her hand, squeezing it in reassurance while they headed toward the river.
"So then, it's pretty much over between you two?"
She raised her cup to her face, breathing in the steam coming out the lid, though it was still too hot to drink. "I guess so. Why do you ask?
"Well, I don't think you would have put that much of an effort into kissing me if you …well, you know."
"He as much as told me to go ahead and do it," she grumbled.
Charlie's eyebrows knit together in confusion. "Do what?"
"Well, kiss you; kiss anyone I wanted." She snorted. "Shag you to be perfectly honest."
"He did not tell you to shag me!" Charlie said incredulously.
"Yeah, he did! I mean, not in so many words, but I got the message."
"So he knew…you mean he was there, you talked to him today?"
"Tonight."
"Not…" His eyes widened in dawning realization. "Oh, bollocks, Tonks you mean that old bloke?"
"He's not old!" she sputtered indignantly.
"Remus, right? No wonder he gave me a dirty look."
"Yeah, and for your information, he's only thirty-seven. He just looks older because…Well he's not old, anyway. He's smarter than you and me put together, not to mention sweet and funny and kind and good…"
"And dull, and stiff…"
"And a bloody fabulous shag, for your information!"
"That guy?" he said in derision, letting go of her hand.
"And probably the second most powerful wizard that you and I have ever met, though he'd never let you know it!"
"If he's so sweet and kind and good and all that, then why did he…" Charlie met Tonks' eyes with an expression of horrified understanding. "Oh, shit, Tonks, please do not tell me that you are using me to…Oh hell yeah, of course you are! You went out with me to make a werewolf jealous!"
"I did not! I mean, I tried to invite him but then he threw it in my face that I was free. I had no idea that you were going to kiss me. I imagined flirting with you a bit, but when he said I was free I got pissed off, and asked him to be specific about what I was free to do."
"So, you did try to make him jealous of me."
"Well, no…Yeah, I reckon I did."
"Shit, Tonks!"
She glared at him. "You're not afraid of him, Charlie? I mean, you handle dragons!"
"No, I'm not afraid, Tonks, it's just…" He shook his head. "Well, shit. Trying to make someone jealous; that's not like you. That's more like something some of the bints at school would have done."
"Thanks a lot, Charlie," she spat.
"I don't mean to call you a… I mean, I guess I'm surprised. You were never manipulative, you know? It just seems so…girly."
"If I were you, Charlie Weasley, I would shut up my chauvinistic mouth before it gets a fist stuffed into it. For your information, I am a girl!"
"I know that, Tonks. Wasn't I the first one to get my hands on your…" He broke off at the look on her face and changed tactic. "I just never thought I'd see you acting this way."
"I am at a loss, Charlie. I have tried to handle this in every way possible for nearly a year. I've tried being completely honest with him. I've tried to give him space. I've been supportive when he needed it. I've thrown myself at him; I've rejected him. The only thing I never tried was making him jealous, and that was because I never wanted anyone else. But he practically begged me to find someone else, and for once, I thought, I'd give it a shot. I mean it's you, and you're adorable. I know it's a shitty thing to do to you, but it's not like you're in love with me or anything. Are your feelings hurt, Charlie?" She looked at him pleadingly.
He thrust his hands in his pockets. "No, Tonks. That's not what this is about. I'm not really mad or anything. It's just…the way he looked at me - it bothered me. And Dad and Bill keep telling me that he is a really good man, and that he's been through a lot. I don't like the idea of…Tell me, have you ever actually studied wolves, Tonks?"
"Of course I have, Charlie. Werewolves and normal wolves. I know what I've gotten myself into."
"Because wolves are generally monogamous. And they protect their families and territories fiercely. And they are remarkably loyal."
"Kind of like Weasleys that way," she teased.
"Yeah, which is why I've never even considered trying to put the moves on one of my brothers' girls, any more than I would be fool enough to attempt to encroach on a dragon's territory."
"I only want him to stand up and claim me, Charlie. If he had, there's not a chance in hell I would have let you touch me."
He looked at her sadly, throwing an arm around her. "I hope you know what you're doing, then."
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A few hours later, Tonks stumbled into the doorway of Grimmauld Place supported by Charlie. Tea, it seemed, did not satisfy for very long, and Tonks dragged Charlie into a grubby Muggle pub, where they threw darts and played billiards - Charlie with some success and Tonks failing spectacularly. While Charlie limited himself to snakebites - drinks he sorely missed in Romania, Tonks drank gin and tonics like water, attempting to drown her self-loathing and sorrow and secure in the knowledge that Charlie was there to protect her.
Charlie had repeatedly tried to talk her into letting him guide her back to her own flat, allowing him to return to Grimmauld Place alone. She had refused to give him directions, and Charlie finally relented, expressing his hopes that everyone in the house would be asleep by the time they returned (particularly his overprotective mother and her potentially savage lover.)
He walked her upstairs with some difficulty and deposited her in her bed, thoughtfully forcing a glass of water, which he had spiked with an analgesic, down her throat. He then made his way to his own temporary room, where he dreamed of dragons, veelas and werewolves, all of whom were determined to eat him alive.
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Tonks made her way down to the kitchen about an hour later, after vomiting into the conveniently placed biscuit tin on her nightstand. She thought that a piece of toast along with a steaming hot mug of Healer Whoozee's Patented Hangover Helper would ensure a much pleasanter morning than she deserved. She shuffled to the stove, swearing a bit as her toes hit the table leg, which surely must have jumped out in front of her, determined to cause pain. As she set the kettle to boil, she turned to the kitchen table, awkwardly pulling out a chair and falling into it. Once settled she raised her legs, attempting to rest her aching feet, which had spent the better part of the evening being tortured by a pair of three-inch strappy sandals, onto the chair across from her. Instead of the cracked leather of the ugly oak chair, she hit cloth--tweed, to be specific-- and wiry muscle and bone rather than wood and foam. She didn't need Remus' heightened sense of hearing to recognize his quiet 'ummph' at the contact.
"What the fuck!" she yelled, while silently illuminating the tip of her wand.
Remus grimaced and didn't say anything, his pupils contracting at the sudden light.
"What the hell are you doing here, Remus?"
"I live here,' he pointed out. "I ought to ask what you are doing here when you have a perfectly accessible flat of your own."
"I have a right to stay here if I want! And what I meant was, why are you sitting here, alone in the dark?"
"Well, it wasn't dark; I had a candle burning, but heard you coming and hoped to…"
"To avoid me," she muttered, glaring at him.
"To avoid placing you into an embarrassing position, actually."
"Why should I be embarrassed?"
"You're drunk, for one thing."
"That isn't tea you're drinking, you goddamn hypocrite!" she spat indignantly. "Are you drunk?"
"Much less so than you, I am certain," he said wryly.
"Well at least I didn't drink alone. You could have come out with us, Remus. I practically begged you to."
His response dripped with sarcasm. "Somehow I don't think that would have been an enjoyable evening for any of the party."
"What's that supposed to mean? You get along just fine with Bill, you should have given Charlie a chance."
He let out a snort of laughter. "I did give Charlie a chance, Nymphadora. And apparently he made use of it."
He stood up and brushed past her, inhaling deeply. "Good night."
Tonks sank into the chair, a sense of dread washing over her. She buried her head in her hands, wanting to cry, wanting to scream in frustration, wanting to tear her hair out, wanting to flatten the kitchen with a powerful magical blast. She considered taking enough sleep draught to send her into three days of oblivion, but suddenly remembered that she had an appointment with her father that very morning - in a couple of hours actually - for a sunrise broom ride around the Lake District. It was too late to cancel. With a sigh, she stood up, poured the boiling water into a mug, and ripped open the packet of potion she had carelessly dropped on the floor. A far pleasanter morning than I deserve, certainly.
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Remus opened the front door of number twelve, Grimmauld Place with a surge of irritation, though he made sure to keep his facial expression friendly and welcoming. He could not quite mask his surprise as he recognized the burly frame and friendly face of Ted Tonks, really the very last person he was in the mood to deal with today, possibly including Lord Voldemort himself. He plastered a smile on his face and greeted Ted warmly, holding out his hand.
"Oh, hello, there, Remus. Fancy meeting you here."
He ushered Ted into the entryway, careful to moderate his voice. "I live here. For the time being anyway. I am rather surprised to find you at the doorstep, though."
"Oh, I'm just here to meet Andie. She said there was somebody she wanted to introduce me to." Apparently Ted had been duly warned to keep his voice down by his wife. They walked together toward the kitchen, speaking in hushed voices.
"Really? Anything you care to tell me about?"
Ted hesitated for a moment. "Well, I suppose…I'm going to help out your 'Order' occasionally, by helping to replenish your supply of potions. I'm supposed to meet with the member of the group who is in charge of it."
Remus' brow furrowed. "I thought you said you'd already met him."
"Who?"
"Severus Snape."
"What?" Ted stopped in his tracks, looking at Remus in disbelief.
"Come to think of it, you never actually said his name but you described him rather well…"
"When?"
"When we spoke about Wolfsbane."
"I was talking about him. But I had no idea he was in the Order! If anything I would have thought he was a…"
Remus hurriedly interjected, "Regardless, he is a member of the Order. Why on earth would he be supplying me with Wolfsbane otherwise?"
Ted shrugged. "I just assumed…because Dumbledore is his boss."
Something nagged Remus' brain and he spoke his thoughts aloud. "That too, but in any case, I wonder why…" He paused for nearly a full minute.
"Why what?" Ted prompted.
"Why we need a second Potions master."
"Dumbledore said something about the current one being stretched rather thin."
"Hmm…odd, that." Remus shook off his confusion as he pushed open the kitchen door. "So, shall I make tea? Or, there is brandy in the library."
"Tea, thanks."
"If your wife is coming then I probably ought to start a pot of coffee, too, hadn't I?" He busied himself with the ritual of coffee and tea while Ted sat down at the kitchen table, watching him. Once Remus had finished, manners dictated that he sit with the visitor until the others arrived, though he would very much have liked to be alone.
After a while, Ted spoke again, in a hesitant voice. "Lupin," he began.
"Yes, Ted?"
"Dora…"
Damn it! "Yes? What about her?"
"I want to talk to you about her. She's…really very…unhappy."
Remus responded cautiously. "I've noticed that myself."
"Any idea why?" Ted gazed unflinchingly at Remus, a clear challenge in his eyes.
"Well…"
"Because she seemed to be doing better for a while there. Not like she was before…well, before, anyway. But she seem to be…more hopeful. And now…I'm worried about her. She seems to be about ready to break."
"You think so?"
"I know so."
Remus was silent for an uncomfortably long time when Ted said, "Did you two have a fight?"
"Why…Why would you think that?"
"Did you break up with her, Remus?"
He thought about denying it, but he didn't need Legilimency to convince him that Ted was the kind of man who valued forthrightness above most other qualities. "Yes, Ted, I did. But not for the reason you'd…"
"Is it that Julie girl?"
Remus was a little shocked. "No!"
"Then someone else."
"No, never. Not even a possibility, Ted."
"Then why?"
Remus sighed, looking down at the battered table. "How can I possibly hope to explain…"
"You'd better start trying!" The pain and anger in Ted's voice was enough to capture Remus' attention and persuaded him to do his best to win Ted over to his way of thinking.
"She deserves better than me."
"Hell yes, she does! But what difference does that make?"
"A lot. To me, anyway."
"So…you broke up with her for her own good?" Ted started to laugh, a big booming sound, his entire face reddening in the process.
Remus spoke before he was able to mask the irritation in his voice. "I'm sorry if I don't share your…"
Ted stopped his protestation with a wave of his hand. "Don't get offended, son. It's just… Andie's been trying to get Dora to do things 'for her own good' since she was a baby. You ought to talk to my wife about the degree of success she has had with that. A losing battle, if there ever was one."
"Well, I have been fighting losing battles all my life. I can be just as unyielding as Nymphadora can be, if not more so."
"Maybe so, but in the meantime you are making my little girl unhappy, and I am not going to sit back without doing something about it."
Remus laughed wryly, asking, "What would you have me do, Ted?"
"Hell, I don't know. Since neither of you wants to even acknowledge there is anything going on, I am in no position to give you advice, other than what has gotten me through twenty-seven years with her mother. Just do whatever it is she wants."
Remus laughed even harder this time, his whole body shaking, until his eyes streamed with tears. Ted stared at him, dumbstruck. Finally Remus calmed enough to say, "She wants me to move into her flat, Ted. Would you like me to do that?"
Ted made a 'mmph' sound, as redness began to suffuse his neck.
"I didn't think so. But that's not the half of it. You see, I had thought I had managed to get past that one. When Julie finally got settled at her mother's house and we knew that the job was going to work out, both of us recognized that it was time to go back to the regular routine. But when I mentioned that I planned to come back here, and she was more than a little irritated with me. I finally managed to convince her that I was staying here at Dumbledore's request, as sort of a caretaker for Headquarters. In return, my food and lodging are taken care of. If I was to move in with her, apart from the obvious discomfort it would cause you and your wife, I would be living completely on her beneficence, and that doesn't sit well with me. I may not have a regular job, but knowing that I am not living on someone else's charity is very important to me. I work very hard for the Order, and therefore do not mind receiving food and board in return."
Ted, who had been determinedly avoiding his eyes, looked up at this. The look he sent Remus spoke of grudging respect. Remus took a deep breath, somewhat mollified, and continued, "I managed to convince her of all of this without her taking it as a rejection, which she has a tendency to do, I am afraid. I also contrived to talk her out of moving into Headquarters, pointing out that she needed to be close at hand in case there was an attack at the school or in the town. Then the next day, when I took her to lunch near the Ministry, we ran into a bit of a problem, and the whole thing got dredged up again. Percy Weasley, a former student of mine, and the brother, as I am sure you are aware, of one of Nymphadora's close friends, saw us sitting at a table together at the café. It was innocent enough, but Percy has close ties to Fudge, to Minister Scrimgeour, and to Dolores Umbridge and he is aware, not only of Nymphadora's position, but also of my…condition. He is a young man of some intelligence and a great deal of ambition that is at odds with the ideals of his family and is a Ministry sycophant to boot. A dangerous combination, I am sure you would agree. All he needed to do was to speculate, just a little, and the results could be disastrous for your daughter. When I suggested that we might want to be more discreet in the future, she suggested instead that we, to quote, 'give him a real show.' I can't tell you how many times, Ted, that I have attempted to point out to Nymphadora what kind of damage her friendship with me could do, but she refuses to take me seriously. And she is too important to risk, isn't she?"
Ted nodded, eyeing Remus with an expression of sympathy.
"Naturally she took my suggestion as another demonstration of my cowardice when it comes to her. I will freely admit to cowardice on more than one occasion in my life, Ted, but pushing her away, trying to protect her from her own shortsightedness has been the most difficult and painful thing that I have ever had to do. My cowardice has been aptly demonstrated by my inability to resist the pull she has on me, if anything. It's like fighting the pull that the moon has on me and I fail just as miserably, again and again. I keep deluding myself by thinking that having something together is better than nothing, and she keeps assuring me that she is happiest when we are together, but when it comes down to it, she wants more that I can possibly offer. In the midst of this argument she brought up marriage for the second time, and once again she tried to play it off as a joke, but I know better."
He let this hang in the air for a moment, and sure enough, Ted jumped on it. "Then you don't intend to marry her, Remus?"
"I don't think it is possible, Ted. I don't know another of my kind who has attempted it since all of these new regulations have been passed, but I am nearly certain that it violates several laws. I can't just walk into the registry office and ask, now can I? And the attempt would surely get into the papers, and then the repercussions would begin. So our choice is to attempt it, and risk an almost certain loss of her job, or have someone discreet do it for us, and never be able to refer to each other in public as husband or wife, or just continue as we have been, which satisfies nobody, really. And all the dreams that she has had since she was a girl - the wedding surrounded by family, the babies in her arms - I can't do it. I wish I could, really, but I can't, and why should she do without them? And to force her to be alone, every month, worried about me and then to have to mop up after me the next day - it would get tiresome. Plus, she is too curious for her own good. How long do you think it would be before she decides that she doesn't want me to have to be alone on the full moon? And then, what are the odds that of all of the thousands of doses of Wolfsbane that I will take until the day that I die, that one of them will go wrong? Not to mention the financial drain I would put on her, and the loss of respect for me that would accompany it."
Ted's voice broke a little as he asked, "Did you tell her all of this?"
Remus grew agitated. "I have been telling her it from the beginning, but she just keeps telling me that she doesn't care. In any case, she told me that she was tired of feeling like the 'other woman'. And that if I was a real man, I would have stood up and claimed her as mine a long time ago. Well, I'm sure you will agree that no one likes to have their manhood questioned, particularly because half of the world assumes that I am…oh, well never mind. I think, forgive me for saying so, that she rather hoped to goad me into demonstrating my masculinity in a non-verbal way. But I managed to renew my resolve to put an end to the whole sorry business. So I suggested that she find herself a real man."
To Remus' bewilderment, Ted let out a great bark of laughter. "You're braver than you look, Lupin."
"Funny you should say that, because immediately after that, she called me a 'disgrace to the house of Gryffindor' and left in a huff, with purple sparks coming out of her fingers."
"And this was when?"
"About four weeks ago. I have been assiduously avoiding her since then, though it has not been easy. I've returned her notes and Disapparated when I sensed her entering this house. I was determined to be strong and let her go on to her real life and forget about me."
"Well, that doesn't seem bloody likely. She's been miserable - worse than before - almost frantic, really. You've got to see her, Remus."
"I did, Ted, last night. She managed to sneak into the house while I was too distracted to notice."
"So?"
Remus sighed and continued. "I was firm in my resolve. And I think she got the point. Or, she may have been just proving a point to me, but it backfired. She made a spectacle of leaving for a date from here, dressed up, made up, the whole package. She was beautiful, but then she always is. Poor sod's eyes just about popped out of their sockets. And I did nothing to stop her. Nor did I say a harsh word to her when she came back, reeking of him, along with smoke and alcohol. I even managed to hold a civil conversation with the young man over breakfast this morning, though I would have liked very much to tear him limb from limb."
He shook his head and raised his eyes, giving Ted the rare gift of an unfettered glimpse of the pain that Remus had been carrying around for months. "So Ted, do you still want me to do 'whatever it is that she wants,' or would you prefer that I get out of her life altogether, as I am desperately trying to? Wouldn't you prefer a young man who can support her, who would happily declare to the world that he loves her and give you and your wife grandchildren? Or, shall I be selfish, and cling to her, ruining her life in the process?"
Ted sat silent for a long time. Finally he said, "Remus, I haven't got any answers for you. It's a bad business all around, but certainly not the first time that two people who ought not to be together have fallen in love. I had a bit of experience along those lines myself; don't you know? I know that I have unwillingly been the cause of a lot of pain for my Andie, but not a day goes by that she doesn't let me know in a hundred ways that she never regretted it. And I look at that remarkable young woman that we made, and all of my regrets vanish in an instant."
"It's not the same and we can't…"
"I know, son, I know. And I won't lie to you and say that it wouldn't break Andie's heart to know that she may never get those grandbabies that she's longing to cuddle. But the truth is that my wife and I have no rights here to insist upon. It's Dora's life and her choices, and we have to accept them because we love her. But I do feel that I have a right to interfere when I see that she is hurting. And she is hurting, to the point that I am worried for her safety. Now, I know that people don't die of broken hearts - not really - but they can leave themselves vulnerable to illness. Not to mention the fact that that if she is not functioning properly she is more likely to get hurt at work. How will you feel if she gets hit with a curse that she should have ducked easily but didn't because she's so ruddy tired all the time? Or makes foolish choices, like she did last night, but she isn't with someone trustworthy like Charlie and gets stabbed in a dark alley, or…violated? Or what I she takes a curse for someone else, reckoning that she just wants the pain to end?"
"Oh, god…"
"It seems to me that you are not looking at the big picture here…"
"I am! It's everybody else who has tunnel vision."
"Well, son. You seem convinced that you have it all figured out. You're the voice of reason in a mad world. Bit lonely, isn't it?"
Remus looked away, shaking his head.
"I suppose it will be up to my wife and I to make sure that she comes out of this in one piece. You go on and stick to your principles, son. Anyway, I think I hear Andie coming, and unless you want to have your life nosed into a bit more I suggest you disappear for a spell."
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Remus entered the kitchen the following morning holding out the hope that he was early enough to miss the usual Weasley family circus. Highly gratified to find the room empty, he set about making coffee and toast for himself. Just as he was sinking his knife into the butter, Charlie walked in alone, and Remus suppressed a groan.
"Morning, Remus."
"Good morning, Charlie," he said pleasantly. "Sleep well?"
"All right I suppose. Did you start tea?"
"No; coffee, I am afraid."
Charlie yawned widely. "That'll do. Got into the habit of coffee on the preserve, starts the morning off with a bang, you know? But when I am here, or at the Burrow, tea just says 'home' to me. That and Mum's muffins, of course."
Remus smiled. "I have developed a great fondness for your mother's baked goods, myself. You are going back today?"
"I have a Portkey for eleven-thirty."
"Did you enjoy your visit?"
"Had a blast. Good to see everybody again."
"That's nice." Remus offered one of his slices of toast to Charlie, who took it with thanks and devoured it in three quick bites. Remus turned and began to walk toward the door, saying, "I'd better get back to work. It was nice seeing you again, Charlie."
"Wait, Remus…I wanted to…"
With a sigh of resignation, Remus turned toward the younger man. "Yes?"
"Tonks…"Charlie started.
Remus stiffened and interrupted, "There's no need…"
"Yes there is!"
"Really, I don't want to…"
But Charlie was at least as stubborn as any of the Weasleys, and insisted, "But I do. It's important to me. Important that you know…"
Remus lost his patience. "Weasley, I have really had all the discussion of Nymphadora Tonks that I could ever care to in my lifetime. I've had your mother's meddling, your father's anxious hints, Bill's quizzical looks, Dumbledore's goddamn twinkles, Snape's venom and Alastor Moody's admonitions. Do you really think you can say anything to me that has not been covered by someone else?"
Charlie was a little taken aback by Remus' vehemence. "Well I…"
"Not to mention a rather long and painfully uncomfortable talk with her father last night and her mother's nearly constant Legilimency!"
"Yeah well, none of them are me, and I care a lot about her, and I am leaving today, so this may be my last chance and you're bloody well going to hear me out! And I think I deserve a little respect and a listening ear because I was the one that she used to get a reaction out of you! Now I don't have a ruddy clue as to what it is that she sees in you, but she loves you a lot, and for that you ought to be…well how you react to it is none of my business."
"Glad we agree on something."
"Anyway, it's important to me that you know that I had no idea that she was involved with you…"
Remus broke in. "She isn't!"
Charlie, flushed with righteous indignation pressed on. "Yes she is, damn it, but the point is that if I had known, I would never have done more than flirt with her. As it is, I did make a move, in my ignorance, but she couldn't go through with it, nor could I when I realized that her heart wasn't in it. She spent the rest of the night staunchly defending you, and as she got drunker, weeping over your sorry arse. I tried to get her back to her own flat, but she insisted on coming here, so I tucked her into bed and left her alone. So if you were thinking of judging her behavior of the other night harshly, you can forget about it. And I will also add that I think you are a bloody fool, but since all of my family seem to have a great deal of respect and love for you, I hope that someday you come to your senses."
Remus shifted his feet, wishing desperately that he could just stop the whole thing, barricading himself into his old place up north, allowing himself to forget about all of these mad, interfering people. He also tried to ignore another, more feral urge - to swipe razor sharp claws across this handsome young man's face for daring to lay his hands on Remus' mate. That urge gave way to a third, more pressing desire - to find the young lady in question, to take her roughly and disappear, far away, to find a place where none of these things mattered. But the wolf inside, once he realized that 'urge number two' was not going to be satisfied, reminded the man who kept him fettered that lycanthropy would follow Remus and Nymphadora wherever they went. And 'Remus the man' reminded himself that he had a vital task to complete, one that he suspected was very close to a breakthrough. With a curt nod to Charlie, whose clear blue eyes blazed with emotion, he left the kitchen, making his way back to his desk in the library and his ever-present responsibilities.
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A/N: Gah! This was originally supposed to be TWO chapters. I decided that you all might be tired of reading Tonks and Remus covering the same old ground in their arguments, so I though perhaps that Remus summarizing to Tonks' father might be enough, and might add an interesting perspective. I also thought that Tonks' night with Charlie might evoke more of an emotional response if you didn't know why she was behaving that way. Did it work? Please let me know what you think!
Oh, and PS: I wrote a little Remus/Tonks ficlet that does not belong in the Moondance universe any more than 'Two Out of Three Ain't Bad' does. It's called 'Putting the Dog to Bed', and it addresses the "Is Remus Gay?" issue with a little bit of humor and a whole lot of innuendo. Take a look at it if you are so inclined.
And thanks for the generous reviews!