SILENT SACRIFICE...part 16

He watched in horror as two Wraith sucked the life out of Rodney and Ronon. He watched them grow old before his eyes and he was helpless to stop it. Unseen hands were holding him back and a cold voice whispered in his ear, "You killed them...you killed them.."

Over and over like a chant.

He wanted to deny it, to scream that it wasn't true, but he was watching them die right before his eyes. He watched as Rodney turned his pain-filled gaze to him, pleading for help, only for the light to fade and Rodney was nothing more than a bag of skin and bones.

John closed his eyes and screamed.

"Sheppard!"

He jolted awake, body screaming in protest as he struggled against the hands that held him. Strong hands pushing him back then a face looming over him and something touching his skin. He jerked then blinked hard and brought into focus a familiar visage. "Ronon..." he whispered, and realized the other man's dreads were brushing his skin.

Ronon nodded, easing back a bit awkwardly. "You were dreaming," he said, as he reached for his crutches.

"Sorry." John wiped his face with the palm of one shaky hand, feeling the wetness from the cold sweat that drenched him.

"You didn't kill me." Ronon's tone was matter of fact as he spoke.

John closed his eyes, swallowing hard against the bile that was trying to work its way up his throat. He won the battle after a moment and said, "I know that." He didn't sound very convinced to his own ears, and when he looked at Ronon, the big guy didn't seem convinced either. "It's just a stupid dream," John said softly.

Ronon held his gaze for a long moment, then nodded. He hobbled a bit to the chair by the bed and lowered himself into it, discarding his crutches. "I'll keep watch," he stated. "Get some sleep."

"Thanks." The offer meant alot to John and he knew what Ronon was trying to do. But guilt was a funny thing and John knew it wouldn't be easy to get his subconscious mind to absolve itself. Still, he curled up on his side and closed his eyes, willing himself back to sleep.

OoO

Elizabeth stared at the people seated around the conference table. Ronon, Teyla, Rodney, Carson and Kate. They were all there to talk about John. "How is he doing?" she asked Carson. Might as well deal with the physical aspects first.

Carson looked unhappy and he hesitated a moment before replying, his gaze searching out everyone in the room. "He's going through a rough patch," he said finally. "His body is having a hard time dealing with everything that's wrong with it. It's going to be a very slow process, and a frustrating one for the Colonel."

"But he will get better." It was Teyla who spoke up and she put it as a statement, not a question.

"If he keeps fighting to get better, yes," Carson replied.

Elizabeth wasn't sure she liked the sound of that. "IF he keeps fighting?" she repeated. "Is there something you're not telling us?"

Carson sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose before replying. "There are psychological aspects to the healing process, and the Colonel's emotional status is rather at odds with his physical status. In other words, his body and his mind are at war with each other, and what's happening is that in doing so they're canceling out all positive aspects of the healing process."

"That doesn't sound good," Rodney interjected, and he was surprisingly subdued about it.

"It's not," Carson admitted. "Which is why it's taking so long for the Colonel to make any visible progress."

This wasn't what Elizabeth wanted to hear. She wanted to hear that Sheppard was doing better. That he was doing what he had always done in the past. You knock him down, he gets right back up and keeps on going. She needed him back. Atlantis needed him. The Wraith and other enemies were still out there and Elizabeth couldn't face them alone. "How long are we talking here, Carson?" she queried. "How long before he's better?" She figured she might as well cut to the chase. Especially since Rodney and Ronon were still out of commission. Only she knew Ronon would be back to normal within two months, and Rodney would be back on light duty soon enough and that he was available in an advisory capacity if needed. But someone needed to be in charge of the military faction of Atlantis and Lorne was good, but he wasn't ready to take John's place. Nor was Elizabeth ready to replace him. But she needed a time frame to work with. The needs of Atlantis as a whole had to come first.

Carson grimaced, exchanging a look with Kate before replying. "I'm not sure I can give you one," he confessed. "But at the moment, I'd say we're talking months before he'd be back on full duty."

"What about light duty?" Elizabeth countered. She would take what she could get.

"Maybe in a few weeks. I really don't know." Carson sounded frustrated.

Elizabeth looked at Kate. "What do you think?"

Kate shrugged. "I think we all need to be patient and supportive. The Colonel is a strong man and I know he wants to get better. We just need to give him the time to do that."

"Then that's what we'll do," Elizabeth stated, forcing a smile and nodding to everyone that this meeting was over. She watched them file out and when she was alone she buried her face in her hands, fighting back tears.

OoO

Two days passed in somewhat of a haze for John. He slept a lot, gagged down Carson's concoction, suffered through nightmares and tried to stay awake and focused during visits from his teammates. It finally hit John that he was wasting time in bed, but his fever was kicking his ass. Until the third night when he woke up cold and drenched and Nick happily informed him his fever had finally broken. John nodded then fell back asleep, waking up feeling a bit groggy but much better. His stomach hurt and his head ached a bit and he felt grungy, but he also felt more focused than he had in a while and he didn't remember dreaming for once.

"How are you feeling today, Colonel?" Carson queried, moving to his side with a smile on his face.

"Itchy," John replied. "I need a shower."

Carson cocked an eyebrow at him, then nodded. "I think we can arrange that. Think you can handle a mug of goop?"

John held out one hand, hating the way it trembled. He would drink the horrid stuff if it killed him. He would drink it and eat everything Carson gave him and, dammit, he would get out of this goddam bed and back to work! But it was easier said than done and he nearly brought it back up, fighting the gag reflex all the way. The battle wore him out and he slept for a bit, but when he woke up he insisted on his shower.

It was a long and tiring process, but thirty minutes later John was back in bed wearing scrubs and feeling much more alive and alert than he had in ages. He surprised Carson by asking for some broth. He'd been able to keep it down before so he was going to try again. Happily, it stayed down and John was pleased with himself.

His day went surprisingly well. He managed another mug of goop, more soup and three bites of toast by the end of the day. He dozed here and there and was pleasantly tired by nightfall. Then came the hard part, sleeping the night through without dreaming. John was trying to force himself to sleep when he sensed a presence. Opening his eyes, he turned his head to see Ronon settling himself in a chair beside him. "What are you doing here?" John asked. He knew it was late.

"Keeping watch," Ronon replied, as if that explained everything.

And maybe it did. John struggled between thanking him and ordering him back to his room. In the end he smiled, nodded, and closed his eyes. Then he drifted off to sleep. He dreamed but Ronon was there and took the edge off the terror, allowing John to fall back into slumber.

The next two days passed in much the same way. Only John tried to eat more and he made himself get up and walk around every hour. Then he begged and pleaded with Carson until he was allowed back to his room. He also insisted on walking there, and both Carson and Elizabeth accompanied him. He felt a bit worn out by the time he was stretched out on his bed, but it felt good to be back in his room. He figured he'd rest a bit, eat then head off to visit Rodney for a bit. The scientist hadn't been around much lately and only the fact that Ronon and Teyla both promised John they were keeping an eye on McKay, allowed John not to worry too much. But he wanted to see Rodney for himself and talk to him. He figured Rodney was fighting his own demons and he wanted to help him.

Carson fussed over John for a bit, leaving him instructions to eat and rest and call him if he needed anything at all. John promised he would then waved Carson out.

Elizabeth remained, a frown on her face as she moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "You look a lot better," she commented.

"I look like hell," John replied, with a wry grin. He wasn't going to kid himself, or let her pretend otherwise either.

"Yeah...but that's still better than before," Elizabeth replied, matching his smile. "You had me worried for a while."

John sighed, running one hand through his hair. He needed it cut. It was so long it didn't stick up anymore. "I'm sorry it's taking me so long to get better. But I'm on the mend now."

Elizabeth nodded. "Don't rush it, John. And you have nothing to apologize for. I'm just glad you made it back to us." She patted his knee then stood up. "Get some sleep." Another smile and she was gone.

"I'm pretty glad too," John whispered to himself, then he let his eyes close as he drifted off to sleep.

OoO

The next week gave John hope. He was able to keep more food down, although there were a few occasions when his stomach rebelled on him. Not that he let Carson know about it. He was still a bit frustrated since he only managed to gain a pound and until he gained at least three more, Carson was refusing to let him do anything physical beyond walking from place to place. Meaning he couldn't even take a walk for exercise, which left John feeling jittery at times.

The nightmares still plagued him, which left him feeling tired overall, which meant he took a few naps during the day. He had to be rested to help his body heal. Being rested made it easier to fuel his body as well. John knew what needed to be done to get better and he focused on doing so with intensity. Atlantis needed him, as did his team.

Ronon was healing in leaps and bounds, wearing a walking cast now and doing mild workouts with Teyla. John knew the Satedan was going to be fine. Rodney was still wearing a brace and he tired easily, but he was back to work and avoiding John a bit. When John kept popping up in his lab they would talk, but never about what happened and John didn't push it. He knew Rodney had to be willing to talk, so he bided his time.

All and all he felt positive. It finally began to feel like things were going back to normal. Until the Daedalus arrived and Elizabeth called a senior staff meeting. John was allowed to work on files for one hour a day and to be updated on the goings on in Atlantis by Lorne. And Carson was willing to let him attend this particular staff meeting.

John entered the conference room with a smile on his face, until he saw the look on Caldwell's. The man looked stunned and it took John a moment to realize that he was reacting to his appearance. "Good to see you, sir," John said, deciding to be official and maybe Caldwell would get the horrified look off his face. It made John uncomfortable being stared at so intensely. The people in Atlantis had adjusted to him, but Caldwell wasn't covering his surprise and it made John feel angry and defensive.

Caldwell seemed to shake himself, assuming a neutral expression and offering a strained smile. "I'm glad you and your team made it back, Colonel," he stated.

"Thanks," John replied, then he turned away and headed for the chair next to Elizabeth at the conference table. Her expression was grim. Leaning in to her he said, "You don't look happy. I take it you weren't expecting Caldwell?"

"No, I wasn't," Elizabeth confirmed. She leaned in further to him to whisper, "But I can guess why he's here."

So could John. "To take over for me while I recuperate." Before Elizabeth could say anything, he squeezed her arm. "It's okay. It's probably for the best. We need a lead team out in the field, which means sending out Lorne, and having someone here to run things until I'm back in the saddle is the right thing to do for the sake of Atlantis." John spoke with firm sincerity, because he wanted to mean what he said. But a part of him was pissed at Caldwell. Pissed and hurt.

Elizabeth was about to reply when Caldwell sat down. She called everyone to silence then gave the floor to the Daedalus commander. In a nut shell he explained that SGC was aware of the fact that Sheppard and his team were recuperating and that Sheppard would probably be out of commission for a while, so Caldwell was there to step in for him.

It was Rodney who made the first protest, followed by Ronon and Teyla, until John spoke up.

"We need Colonel Caldwell here!" he stated loudly, and every eye in the room locked onto him. John plastered a smile on his face as he continued. "I'm not going to be up to doing my job for a while, and the Wraith aren't going to kick back and wait until I'm ready. Having Caldwell and the Daedalus works to our advantage and I'm glad for the help." He looked at Caldwell, having to work to keep his smile in place. "Consider this me handing over the keys to my office, sir."

"Thank you, Colonel," Caldwell replied, his tone grave. "I'll do my best to keep your seat warm until you're ready to take over again."

John nodded, then pushed to his feet. "If everyone will excuse me, I need to rest." Without another word he walked out and back to his room. When the door closed behind him, John raced for the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet in time to heave his guts out. When he finally stopped puking he just slumped against the wall, shaking. It wasn't until he heard a knock on his door that he rose to his feet, rinsed his mouth and called for them to enter.

Teyla stepped inside, her eyes dark with concern. "Are you all right?" she queried.

"I'm fine," John replied, hating the lie but knowing it was necessary. "Just a little tired. I was thinking, maybe you could teach me some of those stretching moves that you do. The ones to make you more flexible and give you endurance."

"You mean the ones I tried to teach you before and you said they were silly?" Teyla shot back, but there was a teasing glint in her eyes now instead of worry.

John had the grace to look sheepish. "Yeah, those are the ones. I know I can't get heavily physical for a while, but I'd like to be doing something to get my strength back."

Teyla nodded. "We can begin tomorrow if you're feeling up to it. I can come by for you before breakfast and we can eat a light meal then begin."

"Sounds like a plan." John smiled then hid a yawn. He really was tired now.

"I'll leave you to rest," Teyla said, noting his actions. She nodded then glided out the door.

John sighed then moved to stretch out on the bed. In a heartbeat he was asleep.

OoO

The next ten days was filled with highs and lows. John enjoyed his workouts with Teyla and they energized him to some degree, spiking his appetite even, but his body was still rejecting his attempts to eat more filling and solid foods and in ten days he only gained one pound, which meant Beckett was not a happy camper.

John didn't tell him that he was puking still, on occasion. Usually at night after a bad dream. He had started dreaming mostly about Rodney dying in the cave. Ronon was talking to John and he was almost back to normal, accept for the cast on his leg. But Rodney was still avoiding John for the most part, and he wouldn't snipe at him the way he used too. John missed it, and McKay. But he still didn't want to push Rodney to talk to him. He knew everyone dealt with trauma in their own way and John respected that.

Another thing that bothered him was the fact that he knew Elizabeth hated Caldwell being here. They butted heads about pretty much everything. John felt guilty that he wasn't capable of helping her. That he couldn't handle his job, thus relieving her of some of the burden of running Atlantis. Caldwell just made things harder for her. John blamed himself for that, which fired up his determination to get better, faster. So he increased his daily meals from six to eight, sometimes having to will his stomach into behaving. Three days later he had gained half a pound.

That night he had one of the worst nightmares yet. It left him puking and shaking and feeling claustrophobic. After he finally stopped heaving, John brushed his teeth then left his room, heading for the nearest balcony. It was a warm enough night and not really all that late and he figured he'd just enjoy the fresh air and openess for a time before heading back to his room.

He didn't intend to fall asleep. He didn't mean to dream. But when the Wraith attacked him, John fought back. The enemy knew his name, taunting him with it, and John fought harder until others joined him. They pinned him down and suddenly there was a pinch of pain in his shoulder, the feeling of cool fire rippling through his veins. Then darkness.

OoO

Elizabeth felt sick to her stomach as she stared at Caldwell's face. He had a black eye and a swollen nose. Beckett said it was broken. John had done that to him when Caldwell had found him on the balcony, trapped in a nightmare. Only nothing had pulled John from his dream this time and he had fought like a wild animal until Beckett arrived and sedated him. She knew he was now ensconced in the infirmary, in a private area, in restraints. For his own good, Carson had told her.

Just ten minutes ago they had a received a message from SGC. Given the deterioration of Sheppard's condition, it was believed he would receive better care back on Earth. Elizabeth knew that meant putting him in some private facility with private doctors, under the pretence that he was still a free man but, in truth, they were going to lock him away for his own good. And there was nothing Elizabeth could do to stop them.

"We leave in two days," Caldwell stated. "Then I'll turn right around and come back to take Sheppard's place."

"Temporarily!" Elizabeth spit out. "When he's better, he's coming back here." That she would make sure off.

Caldwell said nothing, he simply rose from his chair and left the room.

Elizabeth fought the urge to cry.

THE END...of part 16