Note: You guys are so awesome that I needed a Kleenex. Well, here's your answer to does he or doesn't he go back.
Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 18
Elizabeth shifted nervously from foot to foot, alternately rubbing her upper arms with her hands and then dropping them by her side. She hadn't eaten breakfast, or even had so much as a cup of coffee. The knot in her stomach wouldn't allow for either one. Her bottom lip began to quiver when she saw John come through the door to the pier, carrying his bag as he moved slowly toward them.
"I don't think I can do this," she said softly to Carson, standing beside her.
"We have to, lass, for him. He deserves that much from us." He took her hand and squeezed briefly, trying to pass on courage that he didn't feel.
Elizabeth nodded and wiped her eyes, trying to rid her face of tears before he was close enough to see. She took a deep breath as he came up to stand in front of her and set his bag on the ground. His movements were sluggish and he absently rubbed his stomach as a grimace briefly crossed his face.
"Hey, guys," he said with feigned lightness.
"John," Elizabeth stammered. "We, uh, heard from the SGC this morning and . . . they turned down our request. They want you back for a full physical and psychological evaluation and possible treatment."
John just nodded calmly. "I expected as much, but thanks for trying. I guess this is it then. In spite of everything, I'm glad I came to Atlantis. Thank you for giving me that chance and for trusting me the last two years. This is by far the best assignment I've ever had and . . . I'll miss you."
Elizabeth gave up wiping her eyes and let the tears track down her face as she looked into John's eyes, trying to memorize his face. "I'll miss you to," she whispered, barely able to control her voice. She wanted to say so much more, but she knew if she opened her mouth to try, she'd just cry harder. So she stepped forward and hugged John, burying her face in his chest and not caring what he or anyone else thought. One of the best people she'd ever met was being railroaded out of the position he deserved and she needed him to occupy. She was almost surprised when she felt his strong arms wrap around her and draw her close, comforting her with his solid stance. She could feel his sternum and ribs through his clothes, reminding her of how painfully thin he still was. Feeling awkward after a moment, she let go and stepped back, wiping the last of the moisture from her face.
John moved over to Carson, unable to say anything else to Elizabeth without losing his composure. He held out his hand and the doctor took it, shaking it enthusiastically. "Doc . . . Carson, I owe you and Nick big time putting me back together and bringing me back from the brink of death so many times. And I'm sorry for my tendency to be a lousy patient. You guys are the best and I'm glad Atlantis has you both."
Carson nodded. "We'll miss you, son. I'm not sure what we'll do for a challenge now, it'll probably be rather boring."
"Nah, Rodney can keep you going."
"Aye, he can. I'm not sure why he's not here to see you off. I rather thought he would be."
John smiled a little. "It's okay. Rodney and I said our good-byes last night. We thought that might be best for both of us."
Carson nodded in silent agreement. He knew the two had become good friends and Sheppard's departure was probably harder on him than anyone.
John moved over a step to shake Nick's hand. "Take care of Kelly. She's good for you."
"Yeah, I know. I'll never be able to thank you enough for giving me the nudge I needed to ask her out."
"You'd have done it eventually on your own, I just goosed you a bit."
Nick grinned. "Well, thanks anyway." His expression sobered. "You take care of yourself. Don't let them push you around too much."
"I'll try not to," he said, realizing they both knew his hands were tied on the matter.
John looked over at Teyla, her face as somber as he'd ever seen it. He gently wiped a tear that ran down her cheek. "I'll be okay, Teyla. Take care of Rodney and Ronon for me. You know they need a keeper as well as peacemaker, and you're good at both. You're probably the only one that can handle the two of them."
Teyla nodded. "I will make sure they both behave until you are able to return."
John pushed her hair back over her shoulder. "Teyla, I'll do what I can, but I've got to be honest with you. I don't have friends on Earth, at least not high enough to do any good. The powers that be pretty much think I'm a screw-up, hence Caldwell's little change of assignment. Chances are slim to none that I ever set foot in Atlantis again. You guys will be okay without me, though. You're a heck of a team."
Teyla swallowed hard, trying to remain strong for the one who had been strong for her on so many occasions. The thought of not seeing him again made her shudder with grief. She did the only thing she could at this point in time. She leaned her head forward in the Athosian way and John touched his forehead to hers.
John moved on to Ronon, who was trying to keep most of his weight on his good leg. "Beckett tells me your leg is coming along nicely and you'll be out of the cast soon. Just hang in there and do what he says and you'll be back on your feet in no time."
Ronon grunted and then looked up to meet Sheppard's gaze. "You're a good leader, Sheppard. I appreciate everything you've done for me."
John nodded. "Likewise. You're staying in Atlantis aren't you?"
Ronon looked at the ground. "Not sure. I'll stay til Caldwell gets back and then decide. I don't think he trusts me, not like you do. He may not want me on a team."
John nodded, knowing what Ronon said was true. Caldwell didn't trust anyone that wasn't die-hard American military, and sometimes not even then. "Either way, take care of yourself. I'm glad I got the chance to meet you and get to know you. You've taught me a lot . . . not that I'll ever get the chance to use any of it again, but it was fun while it lasted." He gave one last grin. "Bye Chewie."
oOo
Caldwell sipped his coffee as he stared at the last page of the report. "I really hate you, Sheppard," he muttered. He hadn't been able to get Sheppard's words out of his head, much less the demonstration he had provided. Unable to sleep, Caldwell got up in the wee hours of the morning and began reading reports submitted on some of the events Sheppard had mentioned. Even though they were different events, they all had a few things in common. Sheppard's reports were clear, succinct, and usually praised other military personnel and scientists involved in the incident. Reports from other people involved usually described Sheppard not hesitating to put his life on the line to protect or save others he was responsible for. Injuries that Sheppard's reports barely mentioned, as if they were unimportant, Beckett reports tended to indicate were quite severe. He had to admit, the man had been through a lot.
Which brought him to his current dilemma and the reason he hated Sheppard. He had been so proud to have finally found a way to get Sheppard out and himself appointed as military commander of Atlantis, only to have the pilot ruin it. He couldn't shake the feeling that Sheppard had been right; he had earned the right to command Atlantis and he really did belong here. He belonged here in a way that Caldwell never would, and that infuriated the colonel. He wanted this command so badly he could taste it, and yet he couldn't stop himself from thinking about the fact that he didn't come by it fairly. He had pulled strings and exaggerated Sheppard's condition and it was starting to eat away at him.
"Colonel?"
Caldwell looked up from the computer screen at the lieutenant leaning in his door. "Yes?"
"Sir, Colonel Sheppard is below with some of the Atlantis staff. I think they're saying their good-byes."
Caldwell nodded. "Okay, thanks." Caldwell shut down the computer and went to greet Sheppard. He had made his bed and now he'd just have to lie in it. He hoped the overwhelming feeling of guilt was not a sign of things to come.
John looked up from his friends to see Caldwell coming down the ramp to meet him. He unconsciously put his hand to his stomach, nausea and pain rolling through his midsection. "Colonel Sheppard reporting to the Daedalus as ordered, sir." He held his head high, refusing to let Caldwell see how much this was tearing him up inside.
Caldwell nodded. "You're right on time, Colonel, I appreciate that."
"I told you I wouldn't make you late, sir. Where would you like me to stow my gear?"
Caldwell motioned to one of the men behind him. "Lt. Watson will take your bag and put it in one of our extra rooms. Dr. Bernard wants you to report to infirmary for a while, but when he's satisfied I'm sure you can stay in the extra quarters. It should just be a day or two."
Sheppard looked disappointed. "Sir, Dr. Beckett brought my medical files and I just got out of the infirmary yesterday."
"I know, Colonel, but you know how protective doctors can be. He just wants a look at you himself and maybe a few tests."
John looked down, beginning to give up any pretense that he was anything but miserable. "Yes, sir." He resisted the urge to double over in pain or puke on Caldwell's shoes. He would not leave Atlantis like that. He knew the strain of the last twenty four hours along with the lack of sleep and food was beginning to take its toll, but he just didn't care. He would stay on his feet until the Daedalus left Atlantis, and then he hoped he passed out for a couple of days.
A muffled explosion shook the pier and they all looked up to see smoke billowing out of a section of the city. John looked at Elizabeth as she hit her radio.
"This is Dr. Weir, what was that?"
They all stared expectantly at the expedition leader as she listened. "Was anyone in that part of the city?" She paused again, her eyes wide as she continued to listen. "All right, send a rescue team down there to assess the situation and I'll advise the people with me."
Elizabeth looked at the circle of people around her. "A drone was accidentally fired somehow and hit an area of the city we are just now trying to open. They think Rodney and Radek had gone there to look at one of the labs, but no one's sure exactly where they are. A rescue team is on the way and the control room is trying to raise them on the radio."
"We'd better go ready the infirmary for injured," said Beckett. "Elizabeth, let us know as soon as you know anything." She nodded as Carson and Nick ran for the pier door.
"Where are they?" asked John.
Elizabeth shook her head. "We'll take care of it, John. You're not in any shape to help."
John took a step closer and held eye contact with her, his gaze never wavering. "It's Rodney, I can't just do nothing. Now where is he?"
Her eyes flickered over to Caldwell, not wanting to get John into any more trouble. He gave an almost unperceivable nod, causing her to smile at him. She looked back to John. "They're in section G level 6."
"Thanks," John said hurriedly as he turned. "Teyla? Colonel, I have to – "
"I know, colonel, but I'm coming with you." He turned to the lieutenant with John's bag. "Let the bridge know we'll be delayed and why. Have a rescue team on standby in case they need help."
When the group reached the door to the interior of Atlantis, Elizabeth turned to Ronon. "Ronon, I don't think you'd better come. We don't know how secure the area is after the explosion and we may have to move quickly."
Ronon just grunted. "I'll stay out of the way, but I'm coming."
They all made their way to the damaged area of the city within fifteen minutes. A rescue team was already there with an engineer, surveying the damage. They approached slowly and carefully, noting that the far end of the hall had dangling wires and metal pieces from the ceiling along with dented doors and walls. The last door couldn't be seen because of the ceiling and wall collapse around it.
"What have we got?" Elizabeth asked as soon as they had arrived.
Lorne finished instructing the engineer he'd been talking to and turned to face the cluster of new arrivals. He seemed surprised to see Sheppard and Caldwell. "As near as we can tell, the drone hit the room at the end of the hall," he said, pointing to the demolished doorway. "We think Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka were in the lab next door, although we haven't heard from them. The door seems to be blocked and Dr. Marishka was just trying to determine if it was safe to bust the door down to get to them."
"Have you tried just yelling through the walls?" asked Sheppard.
"Yeah, we did that once or twice, but we can't hear anything."
"Why do you believe Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka are in there?" asked Teyla.
"Two of the scientists were with them when they checked it out the other day and they thought they heard them say there were heading over to see how close it was to setting up this morning. They both had their radios as far as anyone knows, but they could have lost them in the explosion or they could be unconscious," reported Lorne. No one verbally acknowledged the other possibility.
Elizabeth looked up at John to see him frowning as he stared off into space. "John, are you okay?" When she didn't get a response, she touched him on the arm. "John?"
John looked at her and snapped his fingers. "The Ancient gizmo Rodney and I were working with last night. I think it can help us determine if we can get through the door or not. I"ll grab it and be right back."
Elizabeth grabbed his arm. "John, you don't need to be exerting yourself like that. I'll send someone after it."
John just snorted. "I won't break, Elizabeth. I don't know exactly what Rodney did with it, but I'll recognize it if I see it, so I'll have to go. I'll be fine, Elizabeth, just worry about Rodney." John took off down the hall.
"I'll go with him," said Caldwell, taking off after him. Caldwell was surprised when John ran all the way to the nearest transporter and then from the transporter to the lab. He rummaged through the lab tables and some shelves before finding the article he was looking for. Caldwell followed him back to the transporter and found himself beginning to be winded. He had a hard time believing Sheppard was keeping up the fast pace in his condition.
When they returned to the damaged corridor, John went immediately to Elizabeth. "Do we know any more?"
"No, Dr. Marishka is still trying to figure out a safe entry point."
John nodded and went to the door of the room they suspected contained the two missing scientists. "Dr. Marishka, could you come here please?"
The short scientist complied, walking over to stand beside Sheppard. Caldwell and Elizabeth stood behind him watching. Sheppard held out a device that looked similar to TV remote control. He pointed it at the door, a look of concentration on his face, and it began to light up and hum. A second later, a holographic screen popped up in front of them.
"Oh my, Colonel Sheppard, this is just what I need." The engineer examined the screen, muttering to himself for what seemed like several minutes. "All right, colonel, I have seen enough."
Sheppard shut the device off and stared hopefully at Dr. Marishka. "Well?"
The engineer shook his head sadly. "I'm sorry, but there has been a major collapse of debris against the door and this wall. We will not be getting into the room this way."
They all stood in silence, trying to think of another alternative. Sheppard looked up suddenly. "Dr. Marishka, could you tell if the drone left a hole in the outside wall?"
"Oh, yes, it most definitely did. But we are on the sixth level so they cannot possibly climb out, especially if they are injured."
"I can get them with a jumper," offered John.
"How can you do that? You can't possibly land in there," said Elizabeth.
John smiled knowingly. "I don't have to land. I'll back up to the hole, lower the hatch, and we'll take them on that way. If they're injured, someone will have to get off the ship and help them."
"John . . . I don't know."
"Elizabeth, I can do this. We need to get them out of there and fast. We don't know how badly they're injured or how long before the whole thing comes down on top of them."
"Dr. Weir, if I may," interjected Lorne. "Colonel Sheppard is our best pilot and he has the most control of the ATA gene. I know that anyone with the gene can fly the jumpers, but they don't respond to anyone else like they respond to Sheppard. The Colonel is probably the only one who can do this."
John's expression sobered. "I'll be fine. It's just sitting down and flying a jumper."
Elizabeth nodded. "All right, you have a go. Get our people out of there."
John smiled briefly. "On my way. Have Beckett meet us in the jumper bay in case they're seriously injured. Lorne, you and Teyla are with me and you might want to bring a couple of extra hands in case you have to go in after them."
"Mind if I come?" asked Caldwell.
John eyed him, not sure of why he would want to go on such a rescue mission. He finally just shrugged his shoulders. "Whatever you want." John turned back to Elizabeth. "We'll bring them back."
Elizabeth smiled. "I know you will."
oOo
John immediately spotted the large hole in the wall of the city. Backing up to the opening proved a little trickier than he would have liked. The damage was almost between where two towers came together and the opening he had to maneuver through was narrow at best. When he had the jumper in position, they opened the back hatch. John held the jumper as still as he could while Teyla and Lorne surveyed the damage.
"No sign of them, sir, we'll have to go in," reported Lorne.
"Okay, you and Teyla go and have the others wait at the hatch to help you back in. I"ll try to hold it steady."
Teyla and Major Lorne leaped the eighteen inches from the rear hatch to the floor of the damaged room. The opening was next to the wall between the rooms, leaving a pile of loose rubble at the junction. Lorne spotted a small opening about four feet up and pointed to it.
"Look, I think if we dig through this stuff, we can get through to the other lab."
Teyla nodded and began pulling the chunks of debris out of the opening as Lorne worked from the other side. "Dr. McKay," she called out as she worked. "Dr. McKay! It is Teyla!"
"Shh," said Lorne as he stopped working. "I think I hear something."
oOo
Caldwell watched Sheppard as he worked to maintain his concentration and hold the ship relatively still. Tiny beads of sweat had begun to appear across his forehead and his expression was becoming more strained.
"Colonel, let me know if you see them or if I need to adjust the jumper's position." The adrenalin surge from earlier was beginning to wear thin and John's hands were beginning to tremble. He focused all his energy on keeping the ship level and as still as possible in the narrow opening.
"I will. Sheppard . . . are you going to make it?" Caldwell could tell the man was exhausted and pushing himself to the limits.
"I'll make it, you just keep watching the back." The tone of voice let Caldwell know that Sheppard wouldn't be giving up and he realized he was seeing exactly what he'd spent the last few hours reading about in the reports. Sheppard didn't quit until his people were safe. It suddenly occurred to him that this was the reason he and his team had survived stranded on that planet and this was also the reason he was in such poor condition. He'd driven himself into the ground caring for his teammates and Caldwell had used that against him to get his job. Maybe he really was as big a jerk as most of Atlantis thought he was.
"Sir, it's Major Lorne on the radio," the young soldier said from the back of the jumper. "He says they hear Dr. McKay."
oOo
Teyla looked through the opening they had created to see McKay and Zelenka sitting against the far wall. They were both covered with a layer of dust so that it was hard to tell if they were injured.
"Hang on Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka, we are coming to get you."
"It's about time," said McKay. "We could have died in here by now."
Zelenka seemed to be cradling his left arm protectively, but smacked McKay in the leg with his right hand. "Be quiet. With you here, we are lucky they come at all."
Teyla and Lorne grinned at each other, taking the snark as a sign that neither man was injured badly. It only took them another minute to finish opening the hole enough that they could get through. They went to the scientists, Teyla to McKay's side and Lorne to Zelenka.
"How badly are you injured?" asked Teyla.
McKay motioned to Zelenka. "Radek broke his arm and we were both unconscious for a while. Other than that, it mostly seems to be the standard cuts and bruises that go along with being blown up."
"We're going to help you up and Colonel Sheppard has a jumper waiting," said Lorne, reaching down to take Zelenka by his good arm.
McKay's eyes widened as he looked up at Teyla. "Sheppard? I thought he was gone."
"Colonel Caldwell delayed their departure until they knew you and Dr. Zelenka were okay. When they were unable to get to you from inside, the Colonel suggested we use the jumper to reach you. Dr. Beckett is in the jumper as well."
When they reached the hole in the rubble, Lorne went through first, then helped McKay and Zelenka. Teyla brought up the rear. Taking the two scientists by the arm, they led them to the jumper.
"This is Lorne, we have them and are approaching the jumper now."
It only took a couple of minutes for the men to board, aided by the soldiers and medical personnel on board the ship. Beckett helped get the two men settled on the benches in the back.
Caldwell watched until everyone was aboard. "Okay, Colonel, we're all clear."
John raised the hatch and headed for the jumper bay as Caldwell radioed Elizabeth to let her know they had been successful. He was pretty sure he heard cheers in the background.
oOo
John shifted uncomfortably in the chair as he waited with Elizabeth, Caldwell, Lorne, Teyla, and Ronon for word about the condition of their friends. His head was throbbing and his stomach aching and he was tired enough to almost drop off right here. The adrenalin rush and the energy it provided were long gone and he really just wanted to lie down somewhere. He pressed his hand into his stomach as he bent forward slightly, trying to relieve the pain. He stopped and straightened back up when he noticed Caldwell watching him.
Elizabeth reached over and nudged him. "John, it's Nick."
As they all stood, Elizabeth and Caldwell both reached out to steady John when he swayed. "Sorry, stood up too fast," he mumbled.
They all gathered around Nick. "Carson is still getting them settled, but they'll both be fine. Dr. Zelenka broke his left arm and that's being set now. It was a clean break, so it shouldn't cause any problems. They both have concussions and so will be held overnight for observation, but we expect to release them tomorrow. Other than that, it's mostly cuts and scrapes and bruises. Dr. McKay's back is bothering him, but in all honesty, I think his brace helped protect him from further injury. We had to put stitches in a cut on his right shoulder, but it wasn't too severe. I think Carson's got him kind of juiced up right now."
Elizabeth couldn't help but smile. "That was probably a wise move."
Nick nodded and grinned. "I thought so too."
John let a small groan slip out and then bent over slightly, his hand on his stomach. Nick immediately pushed him back a couple of steps until he was able to sit down in a chair. He leaned forward, his forearms on his knees as he tried to breathe through the cramps rolling through his gut.
"John, tell me what's going on," said Nick quietly.
It was several seconds before the pain eased enough for the pilot to respond. "It's okay now . . . just a little stomach ache."
"When was the last time you ate?"
John looked at Nick and decided since he'd be on the Daedalus within the hour, he might as well be honest. "Night before last?"
Nick shook his head. "That's the kind of thing that will take your recovery backwards. You can't skip eating like that, you barely have any stomach lining left to keep the acid at bay."
John smiled bitterly. "It doesn't matter, remember? I'm about to spend the next couple of days in the Daedalus's infirmary regardless, so don't worry about it."
"How much sleep did you get last night?"
John looked at Nick but instead of answering, he just shook his head.
Caldwell suddenly looked over at Nick, hoping he didn't regret his next move. "Dr. Strauhan, it appears to me that the stress of packing and then rescuing Dr. McKay and Dr. Zelenka has caused a pretty serious relapse. Maybe you should admit him."
If he hadn't been a little depressed at what he was doing, Caldwell might have laughed at the wide eyes and open mouths on the people around him. "Why don't you examine Colonel Sheppard and let me know about his condition. If he's too weak and sick to make the trip back to Earth at this time, we'll have to go without him. I'm sure I'll need to make a full report to the SGC about how the colonel overcame his illness in order to save the lives of two scientists that are very important to the success of this expedition."
Nick was finally recovering enough from his shock to begin playing along. "That's a good idea, Colonel Caldwell. I'd say his condition has definitely deteriorated the last few hours. Colonel Sheppard, we need to get you in some scrubs and run some tests." Nick took John's arm and helped him stand back up.
John had to wait a few seconds before the dizziness passed, but then he turned back to Caldwell. "Why?"
Caldwell looked at him with a mixture of respect and resentment. "Because you were right, Sheppard, you have earned the right to lead the military people of this city. I've earned the right for this type of assignment, but you've paid your dues to this city and these people. And because you do belong here in a way I never will, and I don't just mean with the city." Caldwell's expression hardened a little. "But I want you to understand one thing, Colonel. I'll still be watching you. When you screw up and make a serious mistake, I'll be here to take over and I won't have any regrets doing it then. But you at least deserve for me to wait until you actually mess up. I'm just having a hard time justifying taking your job from you because you almost worked and starved yourself to death trying to keep your team alive to be rescued."
John was so shocked, he didn't know what to say. He was also dizzy and beginning to feel like he might pass out any minute. He held his hand out, unsure of what Caldwell would do, but the man took it and shook his hand firmly. "Thanks," John said softly, his voice almost breaking.
Caldwell just nodded as he looked over to Nick. "I'm going to ready the Daedalus for departure. Let me know before we leave of the colonel's status so I can report it to the SGC." He nodded to Elizabeth. "Dr. Weir. Colonel, I hope you've made progress by the time I get back. I'll see you in a few weeks." Caldwell turned and left, leaving everyone still in a bit of shock.
Elizabeth turned and, without warning, hugged John. She pulled back and looked up at his still shocked face. "We've got to buckle down and make you better the next few weeks. We have until he gets back to make this work."
As soon as Elizabeth let go and began moving, Teyla was there squeezing his arm. "We are glad you are staying, John."
John ran his hand through his hair. "It isn't a done deal yet, I've just got an extension. Elizabeth's right, I've got some work to do the next few weeks." John turned to Nick. "I never thought I'd say this, but I think I'm going to need to talk to Kate."
Nick took John's arm. "We can schedule that later. Right now, we really do need to get you into some scrubs and examined. Then there's a little matter of no sleep and no food that we need to take care of." Nick led John into the main part of the infirmary, leaving a bunch of smiling faces in the waiting area.
TBC