The Vacation of Doom

by Stormy X. Valentine

Hesper thinks this vacation is going to be the same as always boring, stupid, and ending in disaster. She's wrong. Because this year, her favorite band is going to show up, randomly, and chaos will ensue. Yay!

1. The Beginning of the End

Disclaimer: I don't own the Gorillaz. I wish I did. I own everyone else though. (However, I do not own Paris Hilton. So don't even ask.)

-x-

I was bored.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love long car rides, especially when I'm curled up in the backseat of the family minivan amongst piles of luggage, headphones clamped firmly around my ears. But since our annoying neighbor came along for the ride - it was her giant house without central heating in Michigan we were going to, after all - it was beginning to suck.

She would not shut up. The Annoying Neighbor (aka Serena Bates, my mom's best friend) rattled on about the medical problems of everyone she knew, unaware that the other occupants of the car were grimacing and wondering how much longer they would survive. I, of course, dealt with the problem my own way, by the simple yet effective solution of putting on my headphones and turning the volume up full blast.

Today's musical choice happened to be Gorillaz. I'd recently become obsessed with them, many thanks to my friend Allison, who had a talent for getting everyone around her obsessed with something. Last month it was Phantom of the Opera. The month before that it was Invader Zim. Currently she was in her Gorillaz phase, and had dragged me along with her. Normally I'm a punk/emo type of person, my taste ranging from kind of unknown (The Pink Spiders) to super mainstream (My Chemical Romance). But I really, really like the Gorillaz.

(Okay, rant about favorite band over for the time being. Back to the events inside the car.)

Anyway, I was wondering what on earth I would do without TV or my beloved computer when my mom tapped me on the shoulder and said something. I couldn't really hear her because, of course, the volume on my iPod was turned to Earsplitting. So I reluctantly took off my headphones.

"We're here, Hesper," my mom said, pointing out the window at a huge old house. I have to admit I was actually getting kind of excited about this.

"Oh! And one more thing!" exclaimed Serena. "Did you know that this house has no central heating or air conditioning? Isn't that just wonderful?"

Okay. Excitement over.

"Hesper, there are some other people who are going to be staying here with us," Mom informed me as I pretended not to care. "There's supposed to be a girl about your age, so it might be fun!"

"Unless she's a preppy skank," I said in annoyance. "And before you even ask, I'm not "being negative", I'm basing this on what I've learned from experience. Remember when we went to California? And there was that one girl who kept telling me I would look so much better if she gave me a makeover? And when I refused said makeover, she proceeded to make the rest of the trip hell for me? Remember that?"

My mother, wisely, did not reply.

As we pulled into the driveway, I noticed that the "other people" were already here and unpacking their stuff. I saw someone with blue hair, realized what I was thinking was impossible, but decided to put on my giant Nicole Richie sunglasses to disguise my ugly self anyway.

I got out of the car and was immediately instructed to make myself useful by carrying a giant cooler filled with beer into the house. Another thing about me is that I am the least active person alive. My arms are like pool floaty noodles. This means that carrying heavy stuff is not my thing.

Thus, when Guy With Blue Hair entered the kitchen, his first impression of me was, oh look, it's a crazy ugly girl wearing huge sunglasses who just dropped a giant cooler on her foot.

"Hi," I said somewhat stupidly while trying to keep from grimacing in pain. "I'm Hesper. I'm 15. I tend to drop things unexpectedly."

Guy With Blue Hair smiled at me. I noticed that his shirt read "Captain Obvious". Interesting.

"Hi. Um, I'm 2D and I like zombies. Want me to help you with that cooler thingy?"

It felt like my internal organs were doing the macarena. My brain was trying to process this new piece of information but kept thinking things like "OMG GAHHHHH 2D OMG OMG TEH 1111 OH NOES I FEEL LIKE A N00B" and "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"So, um, why are you here?" I asked, trying to remember to breathe.

"I honestly have no idea. Um...I closed my eyes and pointed at a random spot on this map thing, and, erm, here we are," he said. "Why are you here?"

"Family vacation," I sighed. "My mom said something about "family bonding time" and "significant emotional experiences". That kind of crap. Usually most of our vacations end in drunk driving, the death of many small animals and the possibility of nuclear war."

"Nice," 2D said (OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S REALLY HIM OMG), looking kind of scared now. I felt that it was best to warn him about the dangers he faced in the upcoming week.

As we both stared off into space, a Japanese girl walked into the room, carrying a giant case of Mountain Dew.

"Hi," she said. "I'm Noodle."

I instantly recalled an "OMG Noodle's dead!" thread made on a message board somewhere. Me, being all-knowing, had informed the n00b that she was not dead, just "on vacation". I decided that I must be psychic.

"I'm Hesper," I replied, staring at the Mountain Dew. It looked like my week was going to get a lot better.

Noodle began to giggle.

"What's so funny?" 2D asked.

"Her name is an anagram of herpes," laughed Noodle.

"Oh," I said.

Great. My name is an anagram of herpes. I wonder how I'd never discovered that before. When I grow up, I vowed, I'm changing my name to something normal like Tracy or Candi or Mary-Sue.

As I was lost in the depths of my own mind, I heard an explosion from outside.

"And the nuclear war has already begun!" I said to 2D. "Um...unless...wow..."

(Now for something completely different)

Brain: OMG MURDOC OMFG TEH111111!

Me: Shut up, you.

Brain: But, lyK, OMG!1111111

(We now return to your normal fanfiction programming)

Noodle and I cautiously ventured outside and saw Murdoc and my parents standing around what had once been our car. Serena appeared to be in a state of shock, my mom had that look on her face that meant she was five seconds away from yelling at someone, and my dad was screaming at a pine tree for no apparent reason.

"Oh, dear," Noodle whispered. "We tried to convince him not to bring the explosives..."

-x-

We now fast-forward to the evening, where it appeared to be 20 Questions time for the four other people who would be sharing the House of Doom. (Russel had finally emerged from their van and spent most of the afternoon chasing squirrels.)

Murdoc, much to my annoyance, appeared to be checking out my mom. In that way. Which is weird, because she's an anorexic vegetarian sun-worshiping strict-diet-regime-following crazy person who looks like one of those elves from the Lord of the Rings, only older. No pointy ears, though. Shame about that.

Serena was interrogating Russel about whatever tragic past he may have had. I knew she had a slightly different goal in mind, although why she would want to hook up with an overweight "gangsta" guy while on vacation was beyond me.

My dad was trying to talk to 2D. The operative word was trying because the only things 2D was interested in were zombie movies, "emo" bands, and if there was a Starbucks anywhere around here. Dad is a little more intellectually diverse, if you get my meaning.

Noodle and I had gone upstairs and were sitting in the room I had chosen. It was in the tower part of the house.

"To be prepared for any situation, I always bring duct tape in several colors, Sharpie markers and spray paint," Noodle said, dumping out the contents of her backpack.

My eyes went wide as I surveyed the spread of...stuff before me. Duct tape in every color of the rainbow, about a million Sharpies, and so much spray paint it made me a little...dizzy.

We spent the next hour making duct tape friendship bracelets and drawing on my pants with Sharpies before my mom knocked on my door and informed me that it was time for a Family And New Friends Bonding Moment at The Beach, courtesy of the Lifetime Movie Channel for Women.

Noodle and I looked at each other with a combination of fear and...well, fear.

"Hopefully Murdoc-san will not try to make the beach explode," she said.

"Um, no," I replied as we went down the stairs. "He'll just hit on my mom some more, get really wasted, probably hit on me, and then set fire to something."

Noodle pushed open the screen door. "How did you know?" she said in confusion.

"It's called fanfiction," I said breezily. "I read it all the time."

She looked scared. Frankly, I couldn't blame her. What with the number of things people have written about her and 2D, her and Murdoc, her and...everyone else, and other horrible romantic pairings involving (secretly) gay people and Pokemon, that would be enough to make anyone shiver with fright.

-x-
During the five minutes it took to get to the beach, Murdoc had begun to seduce my mom again, my dad was trying to jump in front of passing cars and kill himself, Serena was telling Russel about one of her friends who underwent drastic surgery (in extreme bloody detail, of course), and 2D, Noodle and I were all singing the Llama Song.

--- And now we bring you; Sounds From The Walk To The Beach ---

"Mrs. Giles, you look really hot tonight. Did I mention that?"

"Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another little llama..."

"And then, when they ripped out her spleen, she woke up -"

"My life is horrible! I'm a failure! My wife is going to have sex with someone who's really ugly and also ten years younger than me! OH GOD HELP!"

"Fuzzy llama, funny llama, dalai lama, duck - at least I think that's the way it goes..."

"- and then it got infected!"

"That is just...sick. Why do you have to be tellin' me this? I don't need to hear no more stories of how someone almost died!"

"As I mentioned earlier, you are devastatingly attractive."

"Llama llama cheesecake llama, tablet brick potato llama..."

"I hate myself and I want to die!"

"As I was saying, I watched in terror as her liver began to ooze -"

"LADY! For the last time! No more medical horror stories, PLEASE!"

"If you don't stop hitting on me right now, I'll get my daughter to beat you up."

"Oh, I'm so scared. What's she going to do, blind me with her eye makeup?"

"Llama llama mushroom llama, llama llama dyke!"

"Stop messing up the song!"

---- Now Returning To Regular Programming ----

The Family/Friends Bonding Moment was a distinct non-event. Murdoc, anticipating a halfhearted attempt by my parents to "get to know" everyone better, had brought his iPod and sat very far away from the rest of us, alternately headbanging and ogling the underage girls frolicking in the lake.

My mom and my dad were having an argument, presumably about the people that we would be sharing living space with for six more days.

Serena and Russel were now gazing into each other's eyes in deepest love. Gag me with an ice cream scoop. I didn't know what she saw in him, honestly.

Noodle, 2D and I were sitting in a little hippy circle, tracing patterns in the sand with random sticks and wondering when we'd get to go back to the House of Doom.

"So, why is Murdoc-san so...attracted to your mother?" Noodle asked, breaking the silence.

I shrugged. "Really long hair is sexy, I guess. I once had a guy friend tell me that my mom looked like Princess Leia. Now, that one just scared me."

2D squinted in Mother dearest's direction. "Yeah...I guess. I think she looks like Arwen from Lord of the Rings, myself. Y'know that movie? The one with all the short people and the, er, serial killer who does some nasty things with whores and Jessica Alba?"

"No, that's - oh my god, you can't be serious," I said through tears of laughter. "That's Sin City. I mean, Elijah Wood was in Lord of the Rings, too, but playing someone sort of...different."

"I'll say," Noodle said sarcastically. "Although perhaps Frodo Baggins secretly murdered Galadriel, chopped her into pieces and stored her in the deep freeze. We may never know."

From their love nest, Russel and Serena looked at us interestedly.

"Oh, honey, do I have a story for you," Serena chirped. "It all started when my friend Dave went in for a leg amputation, and it went wrong...horribly wrong."

-x-

After about five minutes of Serena recapping my least favorite episode of CSI, I pulled out my iPod and moved over by Murdoc.

He gave me a very annoyed look and took out one earphone.

"Had enough of Serena and her horror stories, have you?" he smirked.

Again I had that sensation that my insides were doing the Chicken Dance.

"Yeah," I said, trying to fake being bored as best I could. "Now let me get to my point."

"Which is?"

"Why are you hitting on my mother?"

"Because," he said, the Murdoc smile beloved by millions of fangirls worldwide creeping across his face, "She's absolutely gorgeous."

"Then," I said, feeling myself launch into a long, long rant, "you are obviously visually impaired. First of all, she's 53. Second of all, the only reason she still looks remotely attractive is because she's a health food junkie. You know, one of those nutjobs who believe they can survive entirely on nutrients from the sun. Third of all, she's married. Oh, yeah, and when she said she'd have me knock you senseless if you kept trying to seduce her, she wasn't kidding. I really do know kung fu."

Murdoc had an expression on his face that can only be described as oO.

"Maybe wanting to screw your mom wasn't really the best idea -" he began, then suddenly developed ADHD and began to check out the underage girls again.

I suddenly realized that this little episode was one of those "your mom" moments that happen in real life.

"This feels like a huge "your mom" joke," I said cautiously. "Like, when someone says -"

"What did you do last night," Murdoc said, as if reading my ecstatic, fangirly brain, "and then someone else - usually me - says, Your mom, and -"

"And then I'm like, CHUCK NORRIS!" screamed 2D, interrupting our meditation on the wondrous ways of the Your Mom joke.

What does Chuck Norris have to do with anything? I wondered, recalling my friend Emily (aka the 1337 pwnstar), who introduced me to a web page full of pointless facts about Chuck Norris, and then yelled at me because I wasn't a real Chuck Norris fan.

"Oh, shit, not you again," Murdoc growled. My heart was now riding the world's tallest, fastest roller coaster while simultaneously watching a Johnny Depp movie and line-dancing to "Sweet Tangerine" by the Hush Sound. I decided that when I got back, I would kill those people who had led me astray into the depths of Murdoc-fangirl-land.

"But...Chuck Norris is...so awesome," 2D said, looking nervous. He was probably wondering when he was going to get hit again.

"Look! Over there! Far away!" I exclaimed, pointing somewhere very far from us. "It's Paris Hilton!"

Without stopping to question why the most famous whore of all time was in Michigan, 2D ran off screaming.

"There's no hope for him. Really," Murdoc said in the sexy voice that made me touch myself inappropriately at my computer sometimes. But you don't need to know that. There's no hope for me. Really.

"Yeah, I know," I said.

The moment of semi-happiness dissolved as several Barbie look-alikes began to point in our direction and laugh hysterically. I shot them my best pissed-off look, honed during several of those previous catastrophic vacations I mentioned earlier.

One of the Barbies decided to come over and pick a fight.

"Hey, Goth people, like don't be all depressing when we're tanning, ok?" the preppy girl said, snapping her weight-loss gum.

I said the first thing that popped into my head, which happened to be a quote from my friend Lindsay, also known as Keanu Reeves' Whore In A Drawer.

"Have safe sex, love your rifle!" I said, smiling manically. "And the Ammosexual Cult shall destroy the earth!"

Preppy Girl looked confused. "So you freaks have sex with guns?"

"That's what she's implying, yes," Murdoc grinned. "By the way, you have a sign on your forehead that says FREE BLOWJOBS."

"Oh my God!" she squealed and dashed back to the safety of her Juicy Couture towel.

Murdoc gave me a puzzled look. My internal organs, tired out from dancing on a rollercoaster while watching Johnny Depp, began to melt.

"Ammosexuals?"

"Um, stupid joke me and my friend Lindsay made up at theater camp last year," I said, laughing a little. "She is also Keanu Reeves' Whore In A Drawer and Hitler's Wife, she's obsessed with cults, and she thinks Satan is teh pwn."

"So she really has sex with guns?"

All of a sudden the loud, penetrating scream of my mother invaded our deep and meaningful discussion.

"HESPER! GET OVER HERE RIGHT NOW OR YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF THIS VACATION!"

And so, bracing myself for an equally boring journey back, I got over there.

-x-

---- And Now We Bring You: Sounds From The Walk Back Home ----

"Hey, Hesper. You're looking pretty hot tonight."

"Oh, Russel, I love you more than watching someone undergo intestinal surgery!"

"Look! It's a zombie driving a Range Rover! Fly, unicorn, fly!"

"Tansy, I'm so glad that you did not succumb to the charms of that Satan worshiping weirdo! At last I have you back in my arms!"

"No you don't. We are not having sex on this trip. That's final."

"I wonder if Pikachu and Hello Kitty should become a couple."

"Murdoc, just because you've stopped trying to get in my mother's pants doesn't mean you can try to get into mine. Isn't gonna work. Sorry."

"Electric teh sex dinosaur rawr emo scene jellybean!"

"Serena, you are one damn fine piece of ass."

"HAVE SAFE SEX, LOVE YOUR RIFLE!"

"Should we have tofu casserole or tofu tacos tonight, Adrian?"

"Everyone raise your hands if you want something else besides tofu for dinner."

"Okay, all but two voted. That's good. Dad? Can we go to Taco Bell?"

"I hate Taco Bell. With a fucking passion."

"Murdoc-san, I think you hate everything."

"I am feeling bad energy in this group! We all need to calm down...relax...breathe in. And hold...one, two, three four...breathe out..."

"Tansy, stop practicing yoga breathing! You sound like Darth Vader when you do that."

"Darth Vader...wasn't he the one in the School of Rock movie?"

"That was Jack Black, dullard. Christ, I hate you so much."

-x-

We were on our way to Taco Bell, and had been on our way for over an hour and a half. Considering that Murdoc was driving, I wondered if we would survive the trip.

For some reason, I was given the supreme honor of riding shotgun in the Van of Doom. This meant that I got to get hit in the face with beer-scented air fresheners, have near-death experiences, and stare in horror at the assortment of creepy bobbleheads lined up on the dashboard.

2D and Noodle had decided to start singing again. Unfortunately, the song they had chosen this time around was the Macarena.

"When I dance they call me macarena, and all the boys say that I'm buena..."

Russel and Serena were making out in the way back of the van. Occasionally I overheard heavy breathing and exclamations of love. Gross.

"They all want me, they can't have me, so they all come and dance beside me..."

We saw the Taco Bell sign blink into view at last, and gave a collective sigh of relief. I will not bore you with the details of what we ordered, but we did make the discovery that Crunchwrap Supremes make excellent Frisbees.

As we sat in the van, our minds in taco heaven, I saw a very familiar car pull up next to us. Very familiar indeed...

(Gasp! Who's in the very familiar car? What will happen next? Will Russel and Serena get married and have scary CSI-obsessed babies? Find out in the next chapter of American Idol...I mean, The Vacation of Doom!)