SILENT SACRIFICE...part 20
After Kate's visit, John slipped into a troubled sleep. He dreamed about Sumner, reliving the moment he'd been forced to shoot his commanding officer. The moment he had become the head of Atlantis by default. John woke up with a scream strangled in his throat.
Nick was beside him by the time he opened his eyes and realized he was safe in Atlantis. "Another bad one?" Nick asked, even as he offered a glass of water.
"Had worse," John replied, accepting the glass with a shaky hand. He took a few sips then asked, "Got any of Carson's goop handy?"
"You're hungry?" Nick looked surprised.
John nodded. He wasn't the least bit hungry, but he was determined to get past his demons and move on with his life. He wanted to heal and be strong again and he couldn't do it if he didn't eat. So he was going to eat if it killed him. Not literally kill him of course. Although the way the goop tasted, John was surprised it hadn't killed him yet.
Nick grinned and patted John's shoulder, no longer reacting to how thin he was. "I'll be right back with a mug full." And with that he was gone.
He came back quick though, and John was ready. He downed it in two gulps, shuddering as he swallowed, then gagging a bit but managing to swallow half a glass of water to make the stuff stay down. "That..was not pleasant," he gasped, once he felt like he could breathe again.
"Doesn't look pleasant," Nick allowed, as he accepted the water glass and set it aside. "Still hungry?" He sounded hopeful.
"I wouldn't mind some soup," John replied, silently willing his stomach to behave itself. It didn't seem to like the idea of soup.
Nick looked pleased. "Glad to hear that cause I just happen to have a mug." He moved to a side table and grabbed the steaming mug sitting there.
John accepted it, then frowned. "Hey, what time is it anyway?"
"About two am," Nick replied, after glancing at his watch.
"And you're not mad that I'm awake?" John countered, before taking a cautious sip of the soup, which was really nothing more than weak broth.
Nick grinned at him. "You're eating, Colonel. I don't care what time it is. Do you?"
John realized he didn't, he just wished he shared in Nick's enthusiasm. "Bon appetit," he whispered, then he focused on finishing every drop of soup in the mug.
OoO
In the morning, John swallowed his goop like a good boy, then managed a few bites of extremely thin and bland oatmeal. His stomach was not particularly happy with him, but he willed it to behave. Then he asked the nurse if he could use the bathroom and take a shower. She said she had to ask Beckett and the man himself appeared a few moments later, pushing the dreaded wheel chair.
But John didn't argue. He simply held out his hand with the IV in it, then when it was removed he allowed Carson to help him into the chair.
Carson pushed him towards the bathroom. "Kate told me you don't want to talk to her anymore," he began.
"She can't help me," John replied, and he figured he might as well be honest with Carson. The man had supported him through the ordeal with Caldwell, and John knew Carson expected him to talk to Kate as part of the healing process. But he knew now that talking to Kate wasn't the way to fix things. He just hoped he could get the good Doc to understand that as well.
"You haven't given her a chance to try," Carson protested.
John sighed softly, knowing this wasn't going to be easy. "I can't change a lifetime of keeping my feelings to myself. I can't just open up to her. I don't expect other people to solve my problems for me, Doc. Never have...never will."
They had reached the bathroom and Carson turned the chair to the side so he could face John. "Consider this a special circumstance, Colonel. You need to talk to someone about your nightmares. If you can't get past them, then you're not going to get better. And you know that."
"I do." John wasn't going to deny the truth. Denial wouldn't get him anywhere. But he knew this was going to be about compromise for everyone. "I'll talk to you and Elizabeth. To Ronon and Rodney and pretty much anyone else. Okay? Just, let me try and deal with this on my own. If I fail, I'll talk to Kate." The offer was on the table and John held his breath as he waited for Carson to respond.
"I don't know about this, lad," Carson replied, and he looked both sorry and a bit angry as he spoke.
John knew he as on the fence about this, and he understood why. But he needed this chance to prove himself. Because, ultimately, that was what this was all about. Proving himself...to himself. "Give me one week," he requested. "If I don't show any improvement, I'll talk to Heightmeyer. It's just one week." At this point John was willing to beg for it.
But Carson was already nodding agreement. "One week," he conceded. "But I doubt that's enough time to change anything, positively or negatively."
"Maybe not," John allowed, as he made to push himself out of the chair. Because he really did have to pee. He accepted Carson's help into the bathroom, then waved him off. But before the Doc left, John stated, "But I'm sure as hell going to try for the positive."
"Good for you," Carson said, before stepping out and closing the door behind him.
OoO
John spent the next two days eating and sleeping. One night he even asked Nick for a light sedative so he could sleep without dreaming in the hopes that one good night's sleep would give him the strength to fight off his demons. It seemed to work. The next night he managed to sleep with only a mild dream to interrupt him, and he was able to blow it off and go back to sleep until morning.
He had gained a few ounces too and so Beckett agreed to release him back to his room. John was dressed in his own clothes and ready to go when Elizabeth appeared. She was smiling, yet she didn't look happy. John hid a grimace of his own as she approached. "Miss me?" he asked, trying to go for cheeky in an attempt to get a genuine smile out of her.
"You have no idea," Elizabeth replied, her tone as serious as he expression became. "Are you sure you're ready to get out of here, John? I'd hate to see you relapse."
"I can eat and sleep just as well in my own room," he assured her, and when her expression changed to one of doubt, he added, "I have to try and do this on my own. I'm sure Beckett's told you about the deal we made. Just give me my week, Elizabeth. Give me a chance."
She nodded, still looking grim. "You've earned whatever chance you need, John. But I can't help but worry."
He knew that feeling. "I'm worried too," he confessed. "About a lot of things. Mostly about Atlantis and my place here. I want to be me again and the only way I'm going to get there is to do what I've always done. Face my demons."
"But do you ever really face them?" Elizabeth countered, and she sounded a bit angry as she spoke. When John frowned at her she sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Sorry," she apologized. "But I've come to know you a bit in the past two years, John. You've faced down bugs and bad guys and death, but you never seem to face what you've buried inside you. You just bury it deeper and move on."
"Can't argue with that," John whispered, scrubbing a hand over his face and willing the headache that was starting up in his temples to go away. He sighed then locked eyes with Elizabeth. "I'm kind of being forced to face everything right now and I'd prefer to do it in my own way. And if it doesn't work, I'll do it Beckett's way. Okay?"
Elizabeth looked ready to argue, but then she simply nodded. "Okay."
John expelled a sigh of relief, then brightened when Carson appeared. "Can I go now?" he asked, rising to his feet.
"Aye, you can go." Carson looked pleased, but a bit worried. "Ronon's in the hallway to escort you to your quarters." He raised a hand to quell John's protests. "It's to make sure you make it there without falling down and doing more damage. You get Ronon or a wheelchair."
"I'll take Ronon," John replied, without hesitation. He patted Carson on the shoulder. "Thanks, Doc," he said, and he meant it. He knew he wouldn't have gotten this far without him. Then he turned to Elizabeth. "Wish me luck?"
She was smiling now for real, amusement and affection warming her eyes. "Good luck, John. Keep me informed."
He snorted. "Hah...like you don't know everything that goes on here anyway." He grinned at her dramatically affronted look then headed for the door. It was time to take control of his life back. Time to move on.
Ronon was waiting for him, just as Beckett said. He greeted John with a grunt and a wave of a cane.
"Nice," John commented, only just realizing Ronon had a lighter cast on. Which looked more like a brace than anything else. He pointed to it. "Guess you're doing well."
"I'm a fast healer," Ronon stated, like it was obvious. Which it was.
John nodded. "I envy you that."
They started walking and Ronon didn't look at John as he replied, "You heal fast enough, you just break more."
"Words of wisdom if I ever heard them," John replied, and he was being sincere. He seemed to spend the most time wounded in some way and it was seldom, if ever, something as simple as a cut or a bruise or the like. His injuries were always bone deep and soul deep. A habit he was really going to have to break.
"We're here," Ronon said, interrupting John's musings.
Which, to his surprise, must have lasted a while because he didn't remember the walk to his room. Ronon tended to be a good person to hang out with when you didn't want to be physically alone, but you did want to be alone in your head. "Thanks for the escort," John told him.
Ronon nodded. "Don't have a lot else to do. See ya." With that he waved and moved off.
"Yeah, see ya," John replied, watching Ronon limp off before entering his room. It felt good to be back. He saw his bag on his bed and realized he needed to unpack. When he reached for it he froze, thinking maybe it would be bad luck to put everything back, but John shook off that thought. He wasn't going anywhere. He was going to beat back his demons, get better and go back to work, where he belonged. So he spent the next half hour putting everything back where it belonged, then he pulled a pulled a powerbar out of his pocket. They were actually bland enough that he figured if he nibbled on it here and there, he might be able to get one down.
But after one bite John had to give up. Still, he made it stay down then he stretched out on his bed and closed his eyes. Just in case he couldn't sleep good tonight, he figured a few cat naps couldn't hurt. So he drifted off into warm darkness.
OoO
By the end of the week, John was feeling good. Not great, not by a long shot, but good. Carson was pleased with him because he had gained almost a pound, and everyone seemed to breathe a collected sigh of relief. John included. He really believed he was on the mend now. Sure he had a long way to go, but he was positive he would get there.
The only person that didn't seem to agree with him was Teyla. They had stared a routine of walking before breakfast. Strolling a few corridors of Atlantis really, since John wasn't allowed any regular exercise yet. Carson didn't want him burning off calories and John understood that, but he also needed to work on building up his strength again too. So they compromised.
"I'm good, Teyla," John said to her, for what felt the one thousandth time.
"Saying it over and over again does not make it true," Teyla shot back. "You're soul is not at peace."
John shot her a skeptical look. "You're a soul reader now too?" he countered, trying to make his tone light and teasing. Only he wasn't really amused.
Teyla sighed. "I want you to be well again, John. But I do not want you to kid yourself."
"I'm getting better slowly," he stated. "I know it's not going to happen over night, but it's happening. I'm getting better. Really. In fact, I talked to Elizabeth before you showed up and she's agreed to let us go on a field trip. If you're willing to arrange it."
"Field trip?" Teyla echoed, looking uncertain.
John stopped walking, taking a moment to casually lean against the wall. He tired way too easily, and he knew Teyla was aware that he was resting without trying to look like he was resting, but she seemed willing to let him keep up the pretense and for that he was grateful. After taking a moment to ride out a twinge of pain that rippled through his stomach, John set about explaining the field trip thing. "Elizabeth agrees with me that we need to get out of Atlantis for a bit. So we thought maybe a trip to the mainland to visit with your people. If you think they'll have us."
Teyla was grinning now and nodding in agreement. "You know that Halling and the others will welcome you, John. All of you. I will arrange for a celebration feast once we have finished our walk and breakfast. My people could use the break as well."
"Great!" John felt a ripple of excitement, that was closely followed by a ripple of anxiety. He wanted something other than the same familiar walls to stare at, but at the same time a part of him was terrified at the thought of leaving the safety of Atlantis. And not so much for himself, but for Rodney and Ronon. Whom he had yet to break the idea too. He figured it would be best to clear things with Teyla first. But after breakfast he would see if the rest of his team were willing to go.
"Shall we continue walking?" Teyla prompted.
John could see that she was anxious to finish so she could contact her people. "I can walk to the messhall by myself," he assured her. "Go ahead and do what you need to do. See if it's good for this weekend."
Teyla smiled and nodded. "I will make it so," she told him, then she was placing her hands on his shoulders, her grip light, and touching foreheads with him. A moment later she was making him promise to go straight to the messhall, before almost dashing off to the nearest transporter.
It was nice to see her so excited about something. John just wished he felt the same way. A celebration was something good and positive, but he couldn't quite expel the fear that was creeping over him. But he told himself that everything would be fine. Logically he knew it was safe on the mainland and they would be amongst friends, but John's demons were battering against his walls, laughing maniacally. He tuned them out.
OoO
Teyla arranged everything and, to John's surprise, Rodney and Ronon were both excited about the outing. Ronon wasn't really a surprise, but John had rather expected Rodney to decline. But he seemed eager to go as the four of them, along with Dr. Strauhan, settled into a jumper. John had been rather nervous about flying again after what had happened on the planet, but slipping into the pilot seat felt right and familiar. Flying the jumper to rescue Rodney and Radek had been different. There hadn't been any time to think about what was happening. It had all been instinct.
"How are you doing, Colonel?" Nick asked.
John made himself answer politely. Beckett had insisted on sending Nick to keep an eye on him and John wasn't happy about it. But he knew it wouldn't be fair to take his anger out on Nick. He had been nothing but a friend to John. "I'm good. Really." He turned to grin at the man.
Nick nodded, smiling back at him.
"Everyone ready?" John asked, as he powered up the jumper.
The chorus of "Ready" was all the reply he needed to head off. Twenty minutes later they landed and were greeted by Halling and several others of Teyla's people. John saw the shock on Halling's face at his condition, but it was quickly turned into a smile of welcome and John didn't begrudge the man.
He saw that the Athosians had decorated an area with flowers and the like, and that there was food and music playing and the sound of children laughing and John felt himself relaxing for the first time in far too long. He let Rodney sweep him over to a side table groaning with food and one of the elderly Athosian women tutted over John and pointed out things she thought would settle well on his stomach. It made John wonder if she had a kind of sixth sense or something. His first instinct was to refuse, but she pushed a bowl of some kind of mashed fruit looking stuff and he took a taste and liked it. As did his stomach. So he ate a fair amount before calling quits and heading off to watch the children playing tag and other games.
Throughout the course of the afternoon, everyone and their brother seemed to bring him something to eat and John felt compelled to try everything. Nick hovered over him, looking anxious at times, but John kept assuring him he felt good and the food was staying down so Nick ended up wandering away to ask the elderly woman, named Mosia, about bringing some of the food back to Atlantis for John to eat.
It was fun to watch the kids and eat the food and every time John looked at Rodney and Ronon they seemed to truly be enjoying themselves. He even heard Rodney laugh a few times, and it warmed John's very soul. Maybe they could all put the events at the cave behind and move forward again. Because John had begun to feel like he was stuck in time. He thought about talking to Rodney about things, but figured it would interfere with the fun they were having so he would postpone the chat till they returned to Atlantis.
He hadn't quite managed to put Nick's mothering behind him though, and the Doc insisted that John take a nap before the evening festivities. Teyla had explained that there would be even more food, story telling and entertainment like dancing and singing. So Nick badgered John into lying down in a quiet area, in Halling's abode, and taking a much needed rest.
Knowing he wouldn't win the argument, especially after Rodney and Teyla took sides with Nick, John gave in. Not so surprisingly, it felt good to lie down and the moment he closed his eyes he was asleep.
He woke up with a jolt, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end. Slipping off the blankets, John made his way to the door. He wished he had a weapon on him when he heard screaming and when he peeked out it was to see a Wraith feeding on Rodney. John didn't hesitate. He threw himself at the Wraith, wresting him away from McKay, but it was too late. Rodney was old and fragile and before John's eyes he shattered into dust.
"NOOOOOOO!" John screamed. He saw a branch on the ground and he grabbed it in both hands with the intent of clubbing the Wraith to death. But scaly hands grabbed him, pulling him away. He fought them, kicking and screaming, and redoubling his efforts when he saw another Wraith going after Teyla.
But even as he fought he felt white hot pain ripple through him, bringing darkness closing over him like a shroud. John crumpled into oblivion.
"Oh God...oh god!" Rodney stammered as he watched Nick kneel beside Sheppard's limp form. One minute the Colonel had been sleeping and the next he was screaming and attacking Halling. Ronon had been forced to hit him with a blast from his stun gun to stop him from fighting the hands holding him down and doing further damage to himself.
Teyla knelt beside Nick and asked, "Will he be all right?"
Nick sighed. "We need to get him back to Atlantis."
"I'll carry him to the Jumper," Ronon offered.
"Not on that leg," Nick replied. He reached out and scooped John into his arms, looking shocked by how light the Colonel was.
Teyla made to follow, but stopped to go to Halling first. "I am sorry for what happened," she said, sadness heavy in her voice.
Halling touched foreheads with her, then shook his head. "There is nothing to apologize for. Sheppard is haunted by demons. He did not intend harm and he did not hurt me. Go and be with your friend. He will be in our prayers."
"Thank you," Teyla whispered, blinking back tears. Then she moved to take Rodney's arm, leading the pale man towards the Jumper. Fear twisted in her heart. What would become of Colonel Sheppard now?
THE END...of part 20