Hugs and cyber-cookies to the two people who reviewed. Well, Blue Man Groupie, you didn't technically review, but since you're away on vacation I can forgive you. Yes I do know who you are. No you cannot stalk me.
Disclaimer - Me no own Gorillaz. Me own Hesper. Me stop talking like a crazy person now. Bye bye.
The very familiar car had several very familiar people in it, namely my friend Kiyoshi and his parents. Kiyoshi had been the "new kid" at school last year, and I'd made friends with him because everyone else thought he was weird. Of course, everyone thinks I'm weird, too, but they have reasons for that. Kiyoshi never started a massive food fight (actually, more like a food epic battle) that raged for an entire day and made three of the teachers either commit suicide or move away. Kiyoshi also doesn't read fanfiction, which has been very good for his mental health.
So I got out of the van and went to go say hi to him. This was a big mistake.
"KIYOSHI!" I screamed, as everyone else watched in fear. "It's me! Herpes! I mean...Hesper! Asdsjkajksjfkj, uh, I mean, nice to see you!"
"Who are those...people you are with?" Kiyoshi said, a tremble in his voice.
I gave him a really big smile to make him less afraid. "Oh, those are my new friends. It's okay, they're perfectly harmless."
Kiyoshi's eyes widened in terror as he saw Serena and Russel making out, then widened even more when he saw Noodle. A huge smile spread across his face and he looked almost...like he was in love.
"That girl is so hot," he sighed. "I think I saw her on TV somewhere."
My brain went into panic mode. This is bad, I thought. If he realizes who they are, then he's going to tell everyone (because Kiyoshi can't keep his mouth shut) and everyone will know where they are, and they'll have to leave.
"No you didn't," I said. "That's Noodle's twin, Ramen, and you know what I have somewhere to be right now so seeyoulaterBYE!"
I jumped back into the van as quickly as I could and slammed the door hard.
"Who was that?" 2D said. "Your boyfriend?"
My face immediately turned fifty-six shades of red. "No. No. His name is Kiyoshi. He's a boy. Who's a friend of mine. That's it. Really. And Noodle, I think he's in love with you."
Noodle, who had been watching me and Kiyoshi, burst out into laughter. "Him? In love with me? You can't be serious, he looks like such a nerd!"
Russel and Serena were now making annoying kissy noises.
"ALL RIGHT, YOU LOT," yelled Murdoc. I could almost feel the capslock when he talked. "Let me make something very clear. This is my van. Which means that nobody will be making out in here - unless it's me and the Princess of Herpes -"
I could feel an immense battle coming on. One that would probably end in a round of demolition derby or my other favorite smashing-into-other-cars game, Redneck Asshole.
"Princess of Herpes?" I screeched. "Just because you can rearrange the letters of my name to spell an STD does not mean that I actually have the disease. Nor will I be making out with you any time soon. Or in the future. Or ever. And if you ever call me the Princess of Herpes again, I'm going to leave you stranded in a mall somewhere at Christmastime. When they're playing all those retarded carols. I think that would be a fitting punishment."
That shut him up.
On the way back, we ran over three deer, one raccoon, four opossums, eighteen squirrels, and an innocent bystander, all of whom were tied to the roof rack by Russel. He said that tomorrow would be an excellent time to stuff dead animals with his one true love. The rest of us gave him the WTF? look and went back to annoying each other.
-x-
That night I discovered exactly how cold it can get in Michigan at night. Especially so close to a lake. And apparently it got so cold that when I finally got to sleep, 2D decided that he was going to come in and sleep with me. I woke up at one in the morning, when he started licking my ear in his sleep. Because I didn't want him to keep cleaning out my ears, I tried to wake him up, only it didn't work. So, basically, I had to sleep with 2D. The rabid-fangirl side of my personality had mostly worn off, though, because once you meet your favorite band, and find out what they're like, and they're REALLY ANNOYING, you stop being hugely obsessed with them.
At four A.M. 2D woke me up because the walls were about as thick as cardboard and he could hear Serena and Russel "getting it on".
"Um, Hesper?" he whispered in my ear, causing me to freak out because I thought I was still dreaming about a chainsaw massacre.
"Mmmph?" I said incoherently.
"People are having sex next door."
"That's nice. Go back to your room."
"Why?" he whined. "It's about a million degrees colder in my room than it is in yours."
"Well, that's only because you sleep naked," I snapped. Did I mention that? That he was completely naked, and if I had a camera, would have outdone Pete Wentz in the Amateur Internet Porn department? No, I didn't mention that.
He made his eyes all big and suddenly became irresistably cute.
"Please?" he pouted. I could have sworn he even stuck out his lower lip. He looked so cute it was giving me sugar shock.
"Okay, okay," I sighed. "But put some underwear on at least."
He gave me a too-adorable-for-words smile and dashed off to his room. I took advantage of his absence to shut and lock the door. I hoped that this incident would train him to sleep in his own bed. 2D reminded me of a puppy with separation anxiety problems, only without the leg-humping and tendency to lick my face. Oh. Wait, he already did that. Never mind.
Three hours later I was rudely awoken by my mother, who informed me that today we were going to go connect with nature as a family.
"Your friends can't come, Hesper," she said angrily as I scurried around the room, frantically looking for my Invader Zim t-shirt. "This morning when I went outside for my sun salutation, that one...person, what's-his-face, oh, Murdoc, was sneaking around with that Japanese girl, and they were destroying my sacred tofu! They must be PUNISHED!"
"So apparently taking all your tofu and burning it is a grievous offense punishable by death?" I asked.
"Yes! They will pay. They...will...suffer..." hissed my mother as she stalked out of the room, slamming the door behind her.
-x-
Thankfully, the hiking expedition never materialized. Since our car was not driveable due to it having been set on fire, and obviously Murdoc wasn't going to let us use his car, we couldn't go. Also, because our car had been destroyed, this raised some questions as to how exactly we were getting home. The questions were immediately lowered back down again at the suggestion of a trip to Starbucks.
Once again I had to endure another hour of screaming, making out, singing, and Black Sabbath. Serena and Russel were planning their wedding, Murdoc was attempting to hit everything and everyone else on the road, my dad and 2D were making a point out of ignoring each other, and Noodle was sitting next to me helping me plot world domination.
"So is this a regular Starbucks, or is it like the dream I had last night with all the anorexic people?" asked 2D, breaking the relative silence.
"No, faceache," Murdoc said, "this is not a regular Starbucks. It's the Emo Starbucks. And if you ask me one more question I'm gonna run you over too. Heh...that'd be fun."
The news of an Emo Starbucks caused relative excitement among the single females in our group (me and Noodle).
"Maybe all the boys will be wearing tight pants and square glasses, and have their hair in that flippy thing!" Noodle said excitedly, bouncing up and down on her seat.
I felt like I was going to have a minor heart attack just thinking about all those Rivers Cuomo look-alikes. Wait. There's no such thing as a minor heart attack. Never mind.
-x-
"Like, OMG electrikk dinosaur RAWR I'm so sc3n3!" said the hot emo guy behind the counter.
"Forget it, Murdoc-san," Noodle said, shrugging her shoulders. "I don't think the emo guy speaks English."
The emo guy pointed to his nametag, which read "OMG, LyK Hi! I'm Frank, and I'm teh sex!"
"Okay, OMG, LyK Hi! I'm Frank and I'm teh sex," Murdoc said. "We want Frappucinos. We want them now. And if you don't get us what we want, then -"
"LyK oMg, I Lo0o0o0o0o0oVe FraPpUCiiNoS!" squealed Frank, dancing around in circles. "So happy! So pretty! Pretty lights!"
"THEN HESPER," Murdoc said in capslock-enhanced frustration, pointing at me, "IS GOING TO SEXUALLY HARASS YOU."
Frank stopped dancing and started running away. I guess being told that I was going to grab his ass was more than he could handle. He frantically took off his ugly Starbucks apron, ran into the door, got up, pulled open the door, and dashed away into the path of an oncoming pickup truck.
Once Frank had left to meet his splattering fate, all the Rivers Cuomo look-alikes began to stare at us. That was about the time when we collectively realized that we Were Not Welcome So Get The Hell Out, You Non-Emo Sons of Preppy Bitches. Looking down at my feet, I was the first to crack under the weight of the Death Glare and shuffle dejectedly to the door, a single emo tear falling down my cheek.
Everyone quickly followed, my dad practically running out the door in his eagerness to leave.
It was only after we had left the Starbucks far behind us that I realized that...
"You guys!" I said in a panic. "Serena and Russel are missing!"
Gasp Did Serena and Russel go somewhere and have sex? Will Murdoc ever stop sexually harassing Hesper? Is the world headed toward destruction? All this and more in the next drama and hilarity-laden edition of THE VACATION OF SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE - I mean DOOM.