Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 21

Awareness began to creep in, making John realize that he was being moved. He threw out his arm reflexively in an attempt to keep from falling. Someone took his hand and gripped it firmly as he was placed on a surface that was relatively flat and soft. He struggled to open his eyes, confused about where he was and what was happening.
"What?" he mumbled.

"Colonel Sheppard, we're back in Atlantis. Just take it easy and we'll get you to the infirmary."

John got his eyes open enough to see Nick standing over him and Teyla holding his hand. He couldn't figure out why he needed to go to the infirmary. What had happened? He felt tingly, as if he'd been stunned, but that didn't seem to make any sense. His eyes opened briefly, making him aware that he had let them close. He got sporadic views of the halls and people around the gurney he seemed to be riding on. Glimpses of faces and walls came and went as he drifted in and out.

By the time he stopped moving, indicating they had reached the infirmary, the fog in his head was beginning to clear. He looked up to see Nick pushing the end of the stethoscope up under his shirt and Marcy taking his blood pressure. He had come to the conclusion he was uninjured, but still hadn't figured out why or how he had been stunned.

He waited until Nick removed the stethoscope and got his pressure from Marcy to voice his concerns. "Nick, what happened? Why am I here? The last thing I remember is you telling me I needed to lie down for a while."

Nick glanced at Marcy. "Why don't you go see if you can find Dr. Beckett." As soon as she left, he glanced back down at his patient as he rubbed the back of his neck. "Yeah, I did tell you that, and you complied by taking a nap at Halling's place, so I guess this kind of makes this fiasco my fault. Halling found you in the middle of another nightmare and, when he couldn't wake you, you attacked him." Nick sighed and shook his head, wishing he'd been better prepared to help the colonel. "You were . . . quite violent and we had trouble subduing you so . . . Ronon stunned you. We thought it the best way to stop you without risking injury."

John closed his eyes and rubbed his hand across his face. "Crap, when is this going to end?" He suddenly removed his hand looked up at Nick, panic in his eyes and voice. "Did I hurt anyone? Halling, is he okay?"

"Yes, yes, everyone's fine. Halling didn't get hurt and Teyla said he isn't even angry. He was just worried about you, as we all are."

Nick glanced back up to see Beckett coming quickly across the infirmary, his expression grim. "Warning, angry doctor at nine o'clock and closing fast."

"Oh, shoot," murmured John. He tilted his head to watch Beckett walk up to the bedside.

"Nick, what's this I hear about the colonel being brought in?" Beckett looked down to see John watching him. "Oh, you're awake lad. Someone needs to tell me what happened." He immediately brought out his stethoscope and ran it under John's shirt, causing him to shiver as the cold metal hit his chest for the second time.

Nick grinned at the annoyed look on John's face, but neither of them said anything, not wanting to add fuel to the fire that would probably erupt shortly. "He's not injured as far as I can tell, he just got stunned."

Beckett whipped his head around. "Stunned? How did that happen?"

Nick sighed, knowing how disappointed Carson would be after the strong progress of the past week. "I made him lie down for a while and he had another bad nightmare. We . . . couldn't wake him and he . . . he was violent, so Ronon stunned him."

Beckett shook his head sadly and looked back down at John, who had laid his forearm across his eyes almost like he was hiding. He knew the colonel was even more disappointed than he was. "I'm sorry lad. You've made such a go of it lately, I really thought it was turning around." He gently squeezed John's shoulder as he talked.

John talked softly, without moving his arm. "I just thought . . . I thought I had it under control."

Beckett nodded at Nick, who realized the doctor wanted to talk to Sheppard. He patted Sheppard on the leg. "I'll leave you in Carson's hands now, Colonel. I'm just sorry I didn't do a better job of watching out for you."

John pulled his arm down, looking up at Nick. "Not your fault, Doc and there's nothing else you could have done. I'm just glad no one got hurt. Thanks for everything."

Nick nodded and left while Beckett pulled up a stool and sat down. "Colonel, I'm going to hold you to our agreement. You've had your week. And while your physical progress has been good up until now, I think you'll agree the nightmares are still problematic."

John swallowed hard. "I know. You've held up your end of the deal and let me do it my way for a week, so I'll honor my end. I'm not injured, so I assume I'll get out of here soon. I'll stop by and make an appointment with Kate after I'm released."

"I need you to do more than make an appointment, I need you to give this an honest effort, or it won't do you any good. You've only got a few weeks before Caldwell gets back and we've got to be able to show a lot of progress, both physically and psychologically."

"I know, Doc, I know. He made it pretty clear that he wouldn't be giving me any more breaks. I'll really try this time, I promise."

Beckett smiled, happy to hear the determination in the colonel's voice. "Good. I know you can do this and I really don't want to be saying goodbye to you any more. Just rest here for a bit until the effects of the stunner wear off and then I'll check you one more time. Would you like something to eat?"

John closed his eyes and almost turned green. "No, I've already had more to eat today than the last three days combined and it's not mixing well with stunner. I'm just trying to keep what I already have down."

"Oh . . . right . . . sorry, lad. You just lie still and your stomach should settle shortly as your body gets back to normal. I'll check on you periodically, but let me know if you need anything."

"I'm good," he said, closing his eyes. He hadn't realized how tired the day had made him and his earlier nap hadn't been very restful. He lay drifting into a light doze for several minutes until suddenly the image of a Wraith flashed in his head. He jerked his eyes open, his heart pounding in his chest, but he saw that he was safely lying in the infirmary, with nothing amiss. He kept his eyes open, watching the people around him, afraid if he slept he'd dream again. He'd just have to wait and sleep when he was alone in his quarters.

oOo

Beckett walked out to meet Elizabeth and John's team. "He's fine," he assured them. "The effects of the stunner are wearing off nicely. I'll release him in a bit, when I'm sure he's okay. He's agreed to see Kate."

"Do you think it'll work this time?" asked Elizabeth.

"It's got to. We've talked about the fact that he's got a timetable on this, so he told me he'd give it a better effort this time. Let's hope he does."

"If we don't fix him, Caldwell will take him for sure next time," said Ronon.

"Aye, I know," said Beckett. "And so does the Colonel."

oOo

John stood outside Kate Heightmeyer's door, rubbing his sweaty palms up and down against his pant legs. He balled his right hand into a fist and raised it to knock, hesitating before dropping it back down to his side. He looked at the door for a few more seconds, wishing he could summon the courage to knock. Disgusted with himself, he finally turned and walked down the hall . . . for the third time in the last hour. He quickly made his way to the nearest balcony and rushed out to the railing. Gripping it tightly in anger, he silently cursed himself and his weakness as he stood rigidly staring out at the ocean.

"May I join you?"

John jumped as he swiveled around to see who the voice belonged to. He was a little disturbed that he hadn't heard anyone come through the door. Kate joined him at the railing, taking her own look at the waves crashing against the pier below them.

"It really is quite amazing out here. Have you ever wondered if the Ancients spent as much time contemplating life on these balconies as we humans seem to?"

John took his eyes back to the water. "I have a feeling they did. Why else would there be so many of them?"

Kate finally looked at John. "Did you want to see me?"

John chuckled as he continued to stare at the horizon. "Did Carson call you?"

"No, actually I happen to leave my office while ago and saw you hurrying down the hall. Since my office is the only thing at that end of the hall, I thought maybe you'd been to see me." Kate grinned as she looked back out at the water. "I was digging around in the back of the storage closet and I just figured I didn't hear you knock. I'm afraid I have that thing all cluttered up already."

John smiled in spite of himself. "Closet clutterer, huh?"

"Shh," whispered Kate, looking around in an exaggerated fashion. "It's my deepest, darkest secret."

"Don't worry, you're secret's safe with me. We can call it patient-doctor confidentiality."

Kate nodded, smiling up at Sheppard and happy to see he had relaxed a little. "Thanks. So, colonel, what did you want to see me about?"

John turned his body to face her, deciding it was time to face reality, as well as Kate. "I need help. I . . . wondered if we could try again. I really don't want to get sent back to Earth."

Kate put her hand reassuringly on Sheppard's. "We don't want for you to get sent back. I'd be happy to help you, Colonel Sheppard. I'm a big fan of your work, having survived this long because of it, so I figure it's the least I can do. I know the actions that have saved me and others have on several occasions cost you dearly."

John ran his hand nervously through his hair, embarrassed by the focus of attention. "It's been a team effort all the way. And I haven't always been successful." John turned back to the ocean, finding it more comfortable to avoid eye contact.

"No, you haven't always been successful, and sometimes you've lost people. That's what bothers you the most, isn't it?"

He stood silently for several seconds, aware that his heart rate was starting to creep up and a knot was forming in his stomach as his anxiety increased. "That . . . and losing even more people," he said quietly.

"And that's what fuels the nightmares, past failures and the fear of future failures that might cost the lives of your friends."

John's throat felt constricted, so he settled for nodding. They stood for a few minutes without speaking and John almost forgot she was there. He let himself get caught up in the rhythmic sound of the waves below and the way the sun glinted off the surface of the water.

"Did you have night terrors as a child?"

John was almost started by her voice. "Night terrors?"

"Yes, the really bad nightmares that leave you terrified and almost unable to function for a while when it's over."

John rubbed the back of his neck and closed his eyes for a second, fighting the headache he felt beginning to throb in his temples. "No, not really. Just some standard nightmares like all kids have."

"When did they start? The nightmares that are above and beyond the average nightmare, can you remember when you had your first one?" Kate was almost surprised when he answered.

"Afghanistan, the day Mitch and Dex were killed. Their helicopter went down right in front of me. I . . . I was supposed to be their back-up, but . . . " His breath hitched as he looked down at his hands, gripping the railing so hard his knuckles were white. "I woke up the guys in the bunk next to mine. I must have scared them pretty badly, because the next day my C.O. sent me to the base psychologist."

"Did it help?"

"No, it never does," he said softly, continuing to look down. "I just tried to keep it under control as much as possible. The bad ones just hit ever so often and my buddies could kind of tell when I was building up to what they called a screamer and they'd wake me up." He smiled wryly at the last part, but there was no humor in his face or his eyes. After a few seconds, he lifted his head and looked at her. "Why?"

Kate looked Sheppard in the eye. "Because I think that's how long this has been building up. I think your demons and guilt and traumas have been slowly adding together over the years as you've tried to repress them. The nightmares are a sign of post traumatic stress disorder which, left untreated, has evolved into what I believe is something approaching REM sleep behavior disorder."

Sheppard looked at her, his mouth slightly open. "What does that mean, exactly?" He was beginning to be afraid he'd boxed himself into a corner he wouldn't be able to get out of, at least in time.

Kate smiled reassuringly. "It means we have our work cut out for us, Colonel. It's taken years to get you in this mess, and we aren't going to get you out overnight."

John turned back to the ocean, running his hand through his hair again. "Crap, I'm screwed, aren't I? I'll be on your little couch for the rest of my natural life . . . or maybe just until Caldwell gets back."

"We'll still be working on this when Caldwell returns, even if you buckle down and work like you need to on it. But as long as we can show significant progress, he'll have to let you stay. We can do that, but you're going to have to focus and bare down. I won't lie to you, it's going to be rough and you aren't going to like it. You're going to get mad, you're going to hurt, and you're going to feel frustrated at times, but you have to stick with it. Tell me how you managed to keep going on that planet, even though you were exhausted and sick and injured?"

John sighed and bowed his head. "I didn't have a choice. We had to have food and water and I was the only one that could move around."

"Well, you don't have a choice now, not if you want to stay on Atlantis. How badly do you want to stay here?"

John turned to face her, fire burning in his eyes. "I'd almost rather be dead than be sent back." His voice was quiet, but she could here the determination behind it.

"You can do this, colonel, if you're willing to tough it out and not quit. Are you?"

John looked at her and found himself drawing strength from her confidence, replacing the doubt that had filled him and left him feeling helpless before. "When do we start?"

Kate smiled up at him. "How about in the morning, say ten o'clock? I'd like to have a few sessions with McKay and Ronon there as well. I think they would benefit from a joint session and I think your time on the planet was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. We can address that first and then work our way back to other issues as needed. I'll see you in the morning, colonel."

As Kate turned and walked away, it occurred to John that he had just spilled his guts to her without a moment's hesitation, without the wall building and stall tactics that he normally employed. He'd been caught off guard by the setting and the way the conversation had started. He quickly turned to her as she was opening the door. "Did you just hustle me?"

She hesitated, looking across the balcony at the pale, thin shell of a man who had saved Atlantis more times than anyone could count. "Not on purpose . . . but I'm willing to take anything that falls my way." She stood looking at his stunned expression for a moment. "Colonel, this is going to sound strange, but . . . would you like to work on the balcony? It seems much more relaxing."

John glanced back out at the ocean before looking back at Kate. "I think I'd like that."

Kate grinned. "I would too. Meet me in my office and I think I have a couple of chairs we could drag out here. See you in the morning, then."

John nodded as she turned and went through the door. He watched it close behind her, realizing that the hard part of his recovery started tomorrow.

oOo

John came awake with a start, his heart pounding and his breathing ragged as he struggled with the covers. After a few seconds, he realized he was in his quarters with the sheet wrapped around him, not fighting with a Wraith on the planet. He collapsed back into the mattress, waiting on his breathing to slow down before heading for the bathroom.

He stood looking in the mirror for a long time, not particularly liking what he saw. His face was still too thin and eyes still looked sunken. Pulling off his shirt, he ran his fingers gently along his ribcage, revolted by the way his bones still protruded, not really showing the hand full of pounds he'd put back on. No wonder everyone was worried about him, treating him as though he would break if they handled him too much. He probably would. This was not the body of a military leader; it was much too weak and pathetic. What disturbed him the most, though, was the fact that his mind was apparently in even worse shape. He wondered briefly if it would have been better for Atlantis if he'd gone back with Caldwell.

"No!" he shouted at the mirror. "I will not quit . . . I will not let this beat me." He didn't quit on the planet and they made it back alive. He would not quit now. He'd do whatever it took, even if that meant spending a scary amount of time with Kate prowling through his memories. He clenched his fists, angry that he'd been back as long as he had with no more progress to show for it. He'd become weak, something he couldn't stand in himself.

Grabbing his shirt, he quickly put it back on and donned a pair of running pants over his shorts. Within minutes, he was running outside, the cool night air brushing against his hot skin. He breathed it in deeply, letting the fresh air fill his lungs and release some of the tension. He set a slow pace, knowing he wasn't in shape to run fast or long. He just wanted a short run, something to wear him out and make him work to breathe.

He only ran for about fifteen minutes before he had to slow to a walk, a stitch making its annoying appearance in his right side. Walking another fifteen minutes, he stopped and sat down by the railing, letting his feet hang off the side between the posts. He rested the side of his face against the cool surface and looked at the night sky. He had almost lost all of this and it scared him, worse than anything the Wraith had ever done.

He wasn't sure how long he sat there, just letting his mind drift. Eventually he got cold and decided he'd better get back before he made himself sick. He didn't have time for any more setbacks. He had to build his strength back up so he could stay in Atlantis. Pulling himself to his feet, he alternately jogged and walked back to his quarters, working up a sweat on the way. By the time he got back to his room, he knew he was tired enough to sleep. After a quick shower, he practically fell into bed and slept the few remaining hours until morning without dreaming.

oOo

John was tired when he got up the next morning, but it was a good tired. He wasn't worried about it because he knew he could always take a nap after his session with Kate. After dressing, he went to the mess hall, determined to eat a decent breakfast. Standing in line, however, the smell of the eggs made him start feeling nauseous, so he settled for toast, juice, and coffee.

"That's it?" he looked up from his plate to see McKay taking the seat beside him. "That's all you're having?"

John looked down at his plate with two pieces of buttered toast on it. "People have toast for breakfast all the time. What's the big deal?"

Rodney sighed and addressed him with his you must be an idiot tone of voice. "The big deal is that you're trying to gain weight. Somehow I don't think two pieces of toast will provide the calories needed for that little task."

John picked at the edge of his toast. "I'm doing the best I can not to throw up right now, Rodney. In light of that, toast seemed a good option."

Rodney's fork clanked on the table as he dropped it, his face screwing up like that of someone sucking on a lemon. "Trying to eat here . . . or at least I was. Could you please refrain from telling me every time you feel the need . . . " Rodney suddenly clamped his mouth shut, remembering what Carson had told them about watching Sheppard and getting him to eat.

"Never mind, you're right. You should eat whatever you can keep down. I can always bring you a snack later this morning. Carson said you don't have to eat a lot at one sitting, that it's actually better to eat several smaller meals throughout the day." He turned and watched as Sheppard chewed on a bite of the toast. He was amazed to see what a struggle it seemed to be.

"You really are having a hard time with this eating thing, aren't you?" Rodney whispered.

John took a drink of his juice and stared down at his plate. "Most of the time, I'm just not hungry. Even when I think I'm finally hungry, the smell of most things makes my stomach churn. If I eat very much at all, I spend the next hour or so just concentrating on keeping it down." He looked up at Rodney. "I want so badly just to sit down to a big plate of food and eat it and enjoy it like a normal person. I just . . . I can't do that right now."

McKay put his hand on John's shoulder, gripping it firmly and feeling the bones not far beneath the surface. "You will eventually. Just take it slowly and do what you can for now. Do this in baby steps if you need to. If you can survive two weeks with practically no food, while hauling food and water for me and Ronon, you can do this." Holding John's gaze with his most serious look, he said, "Please don't leave me alone here with Ronon and Caldwell."

John grinned. "Oh, I don't know, I think Ronon would probably take care of Caldwell before very long. Him or Teyla."

Rodney matched John's grin as he picked up his fork and stabbed a bite of eggs. "My money's on Teyla."

oOo

John stood looking at Kate's door for a few seconds, reminding himself of how he'd felt the morning he said good bye to his friends and began boarding the Daedalus. He could still feel the emptiness that had filled his body and soul, the nameless dread that had threatened to crush him. Using that as his leverage, he brought his hand up and knocked on her door, determined that he would never have face that loss again.

TBC