Note: Thanks to those of you still with us. I know this thing is like the Energizer bunny, but we keep thinking of new stuff to do. With two sick minds at work, this could keep going and going and going . . .

Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 22

John stacked the two chairs together and looked up at Kate. "I have a proposition for you."

"Offering up deals already? That didn't take long."

John chuckled as he leaned against the top of the second chair. "No reason to waste time. How about if I take these down to the balcony and you get us a cup of coffee?"

Kate smiled and nodded her head. "Now that I can do. Actually, I just made a fresh pot a little while ago and I have several extra mugs for company."

John raised his eyebrows. "You have your own coffee pot?"

"Oh, yeah," Kate said as she grabbed two mugs from the counter and walked over to the coffee maker. "This was the first thing I requested when the Daedalus started making runs." She paused to check how he wanted his coffee and then resumed preparing it. "Some days I don't get out of here all day and about noon I'm ready to beg for a cup."

John grinned and cupped his chin in his hand thoughtfully. "So, we have a closet closet-clutterer and a coffeeaholic. I think we're starting to make some progress here."

Kate sighed and rolled her eyes, walking across the room to join him at the door. "Elizabeth is right, you're hopeless."

John paused as the door closed behind them, tilting his head as he looked at Kate. "Elizabeth says I'm hopeless?"

She just nodded as they walked down the hall, him carrying the chairs and her two mugs of steaming coffee.

"So, how often do you two talk about me?" he asked hesitantly, not really sure he wanted an answer.

"Uh . . . I think that's covered under doctor-patient confidentiality."

John just grunted, leaving her wondering if it was from carrying the chairs or her answer. A few minutes later, they were seated on the balcony, sipping their coffee in silence as they looked out to sea. The balcony stood in the shadow of one of the large towers, completely protected from the morning sun. The breeze was light, but cool on their skin, making the heat from the coffee even more welcome.

John had both hands closed around the mug, which was positioned just below his chin. He closed his eyes, inhaling the scent as the warm vapors rose off the surface of the liquid, spreading across his face. "I missed coffee."

Kate turned and looked at him, watching him enjoy the feel, the smell, and then the taste of the coffee. She remembered when they had run out of coffee several weeks before the Wraith attack. Not one morning had gone by that she hadn't thought about wanting a cup. She smiled at the way simple pleasures could take on such exaggerated importance under the right circumstances.

"One of the nine great wonders," she said.

John opened his eyes and glanced at her. "Nine?"

Kate grinned. "Yeah, the seven normal ones plus coffee and chocolate."

John looked at her, a slight frown on his face. His expression finally relaxed and eased into a smile. "Okay, make it ten . . . flying."

"I should have expected that one, coming from you. How long have you known you loved flying?"

John answered almost immediately. "Since I was old enough to know what it was. I can vaguely remember swinging so high I turned the swing set over when I was a kid. I loved the sensation of sailing through the air. I've just always known that's what I was meant to do."

"What would you do if you had to leave the Air Force?"

John's expression changed dramatically, a tight frown creasing his brow. His stomach clamped down at the realization that it could actually happen, and soon. "I don't know," he said quietly. "I . . . I don't have anything else . . . I don't have anyone on Earth." He looked down into his cup, as if seeking an answer there.

"Yesterday . . . when we were out here, you said you thought I had . . . PTSD, because of the nightmares."

Kate nodded. "Do you know anything about it?"

John continued to look in his cup, not ready for eye contact yet. "Yeah, a little. I've known some guys with problems and . . . they kind of tell you a little about it when they think you have it."

"You've been diagnosed with it before." She stated the fact because she had read his file and knew it to be true. "Your treatment didn't seem to last very long."

John snorted softly and finally pulled his gaze up to meet hers. "I've gotten pretty good at knowing what they want you to say so they can pat you on the head and send you back out. They needed me out in the field and I needed to be there. I just had to jump through the right hoops."

Kate's mouth twitched slightly as she sipped her coffee while holding his eyes. "I'm not much on head patting or hoop jumping myself."

"Yeah, I've noticed." John dropped his eyes again and then turned back to the ocean. "What's this other thing . . . some kind of sleep disorder?"

"REM sleep behavior disorder. In normal REM sleep, the body is basically paralyzed, something called atonia. In some people, this is somehow circumvented and they are able to act out violent dreams, often attacking whoever happens to be around them. Normally this occurrence in someone your age indicates the development of a potentially serious neurological disorder, but in your case, I think it's due to the extreme physical and emotional stress you've been under. I've discussed this some with Carson, but we've decided to postpone any testing for now since we are relatively certain of the cause."

"So, what do we do to make it go away?" John asked, watching her for an answer.

"Well, it can be treated with some behavior modification and sometimes with drugs. Your case is not exactly standard, however, since it seems to be linked with the PTSD. You sometimes can't be wakened, for example, and that's very atypical. I'm not sure if we aren't getting you to wake up, or if maybe you are waking at some level and just shifting from dream to hallucination. I think if we treat the PTSD and you do some extra things like limiting your caffeine intake, we can lick this without resorting to medication."

John looked confused. "What does limiting caffeine have to do with it?"

"There is some evidence that caffeine may interfere with the sleep paralysis that normally happens, making you more active during sleep. Some of the drugs commonly used to treat this are actually anti-anxiety medications. If you limit your caffeine intake, particularly during the afternoon and evening, maybe the normal atonia will take hold more effectively."

John looked down at his coffee. "Can I still have my morning coffee?"

Kate sighed. "The best thing would be to get rid of all of it for a while until we see how you do, and then maybe introduce one or two cups in the morning if all goes well. Definitely none after lunch, at least not for a while until we have this whole mess resolved." Kate smiled, but tried to sound sympathetic. "I told you this wouldn't be easy."

"I know, but I don't remember anything about cruel and unusual."

"I think the mess hall has decaffeinated coffee. You could try that in the morning."

John made a face of disgust. "Not much point in that . . . but . . . maybe I can pretend." He looked down at the waves below for several minutes before continuing. "I know I had the two dreams where . . . things got violent. Other than that, how do you know I'm not just having a few nightmares?" He expected a smug answer, but was surprised by her response.

"That's actually a good question, colonel. Let me answer that by asking you a few questions. How often do you have these nightmares and how real are they?"

John thought a moment. "Very real, sometimes I can feel things and smell things, as well as see them. How often varies. Two or three times a week, maybe more lately."

"Colonel, the average person may not have but three or four nightmares a year. I realize the constant threat from the Wraith and Genii make us more on edge and therefore, more likely to have nightmares, but I doubt anyone else here has them nearly that often. Another question or two. How badly do they affect you, as in do you avoid sleep? Are you unable to go back to sleep because of them? Do they ever make you sick to your stomach?"

"Okay, I get your point," he snapped.

Kate didn't miss the fact that he chose not to answer her questions. She was pretty sure she already knew the answers. "I know you dream a lot about the Wraith and about losing people close to you. Have the dreams been a lot about events on the planet lately, or similar to the ones you normally have?"

"The planet. Not all the time, but quite a few of them. I usually return to the cave to find Rodney and Ronon dead from starvation or exposure or the Wraith feeding on them. I had to leave them alone a lot to get food and water and I used to worry. I was afraid something would happen and I wouldn't be there to help them and protect them."

"But you still left them."

"I had to!" John said angrily, jumping to his feet and pacing around the balcony. "I had to leave them. We had to have water and I was the only one who could get it. I had to leave, but I was afraid the leave . . . " He stopped in front of the rail and hit is fist on it several times. "I just kept leaving them . . . tempting fate . . . they could have died . . . "

"But they didn't."

He jumped, not realizing she had come up to stand just behind him. "Every time I left that cave . . . " he said softly, feeling the fear twisting in his gut, as fresh as it had been on the planet. "I was afraid I'd come back to find them . . . " He looked down, unable to say it.

"You were afraid they would be dead and it would be your fault for leaving them alone," she finished for him. From her close proximity, she saw him shiver and knew she'd hit home. "But they didn't die and they made it because you did leave them to find food and water."

"I know," he whispered, wondering why he was cold and sweating at the same time. He shivered again, wanting to bolt from the balcony to find Ronon and Rodney and make sure they were safe. He knew they were, but he just felt the need to see them.

"You need to go find them, don't you? You need to see them and make sure they're really okay."

John whirled around, almost gasping at her words. He was simultaneously terrified and comforted at how well she was reading him. He felt a little like the balcony was closing in on him and he couldn't breathe.

"Sit down a minute," Kate ordered, taking his hand and guiding him to his chair. He sat down and leaned his head over into his lap, trying to breathe slowly and control the panic to see his teammates growing inside him. After a few minutes, he sat back up and looked at her.

"I'm okay. Sorry," he said sheepishly.

Kate smiled and rubbed his shoulder a few seconds. "It's okay, perfectly understandable, actually. I want to include Rodney and Ronon tomorrow, if that's okay. I think we're ready to start talking about what happened down there."

John nodded. "Okay, if you can get them to come."

"Oh, I'll get them to come. Since it's more people, we should meet in my office, but we can return here for sessions that are just us if you'd like."

John nodded. "Sounds good."

"Okay, I think you've had enough for one day. I'll see you at ten again in the morning."

"I'll be there," John said as he stood up. When he left the balcony, he headed for Rodney's lab. He still needed to see them to ease his mind that his friends were okay.

oOo

Rodney slammed the small screwdriver he'd been using down on the lab table. He pulled angrily at the edge of the brace, muttering to himself. The pain in his back had been much better lately, but it hadn't gone completely away and the brace was driving him crazy. It seemed every time he moved, the thing was limiting him or jabbing him. Going without it wasn't an option yet, however. He'd tried that one morning and quickly discovered that he needed the support.

He sat staring blankly at the counter, trying to console himself with the fact that he had pain medication, plenty of real food, and was blessedly clean. He thought of Sheppard's plight, complicated and confusing as usual. He was by far the most mobile of the three and yet, he seemed to be suffering the most. He didn't look much better than when they first returned from the planet, except for the clean clothes and lack of facial hair. He couldn't decide if he needed to feel sorry for him or be angry with him for not just buckling down and getting better.

Rodney stood and stretched, turning around as he did so to see John standing in the doorway watching him. "What the . . . what are you doing lurking around over there? Jeez, Colonel, what are you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"

John grinned and leaned against the doorframe. "Sorry, McKay."

"Yes, well, okay, um . . . what did you want, anyway?" Rodney looked at the ground as he waited for the answer, not wanting to be caught staring. And as much as he wanted to look away from Sheppard's almost skeletal frame, he found himself staring almost every time and he could tell it made the man nervous. Heck, it made him nervous.

"I just needed . . . I mean I just wanted to . . . " John rubbed the back of his head as he struggled for words. He was a little afraid McKay would think him even more of freak than he already did if he told him the truth. "I just wanted to see how you're doing, you know, how your back is."

"Oh, that," said Rodney, having decided he was tired of looking at the floor. He scrutinized Sheppard, trying to determine if he looked any better. "It's . . . actually, it's driving me crazy. It doesn't hurt enough to be debilitating and get me the really good pain meds, but it does hurt enough to limit everything I do and annoy me every minute of the day. I really hate this."

Sheppard nodded sympathetically. "I know, McKay," John said softly. "If I just could have kept the jumper from –"

"No! Don't start that. It was not your fault. Are you listening to me, because I mean it? This was not your fault." McKay realized that his heart was beating wildly and he was probably red in the face, a mixture of fear and anger fueling his outburst.

"McKay . . . it's the pilot's job to check the ship before take-off. It was my responsibility to see that the jumper was safe."

"And it was my responsibility to oversee the jumper repairs, but that doesn't make it my fault either. The only person to blame here is Agnew, and he's on his way back to Earth, thank goodness."

"That's one sentiment I can agree with." John hesitated for a moment and shifted his weight. "I do kind of have a favor to ask." John turned and looked to the other side of the lab, uneasy about asking his friend to do something he knew he wouldn't want to do.

"Spit it out, Colonel, I'm not getting any younger."

John smiled a little, glad to hear the old snark back in Rodney's voice. "I've been talking to Kate, and she wants the three of us to get together for a session in her office tomorrow. She thinks it would be . . . beneficial."

"Colonel, I don't think that I . . . " Rodney looked at John's hunched shoulders and the tired way he carried himself lately. He remembered the pain and exhaustion that had been in his face as he climbed down that awful hill every day to look for food or water or whatever they needed at the time. The man had somehow kept going for two weeks on nothing but sheer stubbornness and concern for his friends. "What time?"

John turned and looked at him, trying the mask the look of relief on his face. "Ten."

"I'll be there."

"Thanks, Rodney," he said quietly, a nervous smile playing across his lips. "Uh, it's almost lunch time, you want to get something to eat?"

McKay glanced at the lab table with disgust. "Yes, I'd like nothing better than to get out of here for a while. Let's go eat. Maybe I can get you to eat more than a bowl of soup this time."

John smiled and clapped him on the back, careful to avoid the brace. "Who knows, McKay, maybe you will. Let's get Ronon to join us. We can stuff him full of food and then convince him to join us tomorrow."

McKay snorted. "We're talking about feeding him, not getting him drunk."

"I know, I know, but a full Ronon is a happy and much more agreeable Ronon."

They crossed the threshold into the hallway. "I guess you have a point. All I know is that if I have to spill my guts to Kate, then so does Ronon. All for one and one for all and all that stuff."

"I think that's the three musketeers, McKay."

oOo

John jerked awake, eyes darting around his darkened room. He knew he'd been dreaming, but for once he couldn't remember what it had been about. Glancing at the clock, he saw it was only 0400, but his stomach was tightening and his mind racing, thinking about the session with Ronon and Rodney later that morning. So far, talking to Kate had been difficult, but not so hard he couldn't handle it. He was terrified of opening himself up in front of his teammates, of discussing his fears and weaknesses failures in front of them and then somehow expecting to keep their respect. He wished he could go back in time and tell Kate it was a bad idea.

Giving up, he got up and changed into some sweats and spent the next hour alternating between walking and jogging. By the time he got back to his quarters, he was tired, but still wired. Grabbing a quick shower, he dressed and headed for the mess hall. When he arrived, however, he stood in the doorway as the odors made his stomach lurch. He was debating whether to force himself to eat or not, when he reflexively gagged. Placing his hand over his mouth, he hurried out to the nearest balcony and breathed deeply, clearing his air passages of the food smells. After a few seconds, his stomach settled back down, filling him with relief. Too nervous for food or sleep and banned from coffee, he decided there was nothing to do but wait.

oOo

John felt like a nervous wreck by ten o'clock. When Ronon and Rodney were settled, Kate spent the next few minutes making polite conversation, trying to put them both at ease. John just concentrated on not throwing up as he absently rubbed his stomach. He quit when he noticed the three of them looking at him and smiled sheepishly.

Kate nodded at John, noting the nervous way he bounced his right leg up and down. "Well, I think we're ready to begin. Ronon, Dr. McKay, I know you came primarily to support Colonel Sheppard, but I think this may be beneficial for all of you. I want you discuss the two weeks on the planet, with each of you telling about major events from your perspective. It's important sometimes to see how other people view the same events you are viewing. Who wants to start?"

Rodney and Ronon both looked at John, who smiled weakly and took a deep breath. "I guess that would be me. Where do you want me to start?"

"Begin immediately after the jumper crash."

"Okay, well, I woke up and managed to find Rodney under a bunch of stuff in the jumper. He had a pretty bad head injury and his back was hurting as well."

"The pain was almost unbearable," said Rodney. "My head and back hurt and I was dizzy and nauseous, I couldn't move. It was terrible."

"What about Ronon?" asked Kate.

"The back hatch had been ripped off during the crash and Ronon had apparently been thrown out as we skidded. I found him several feet away with a broken leg. Since he was unconscious, I went ahead and straightened and splinted it to reduce the pain. About the time I finished, we heard the jumper starting to shift, so I went back in and got Rodney out."

"Yeah, and then Colonel Kamikaze went back in the jumper and it almost rolled down the hill with him. Knocked him down as he got out." Rodney sighed and shook his head.

"Hey, I got some more supplies before we lost the jumper for good, didn't I? We needed that stuff. As it turns out, we needed everything we had and more to survive."

"Were you injured in the crash, Colonel?" asked Kate.

John looked at her quizzically. "As I'm sure Beckett told you, I hit my head and bruised some ribs, nothing major. I got the two of them bandaged up and settled and then I went to find a cave I'd seen from the air. Once I found it, I moved them to the cave one at a time."

Kate looked at Ronon, sitting quietly and looking extremely uncomfortable. "Ronon, you haven't said much. How did you feel about the Colonel leaving you and Dr. McKay to look for the cave?"

Ronon shrugged his shoulders. "He didn't have any choice. The jumper had rolled down into a ravine and we needed shelter. McKay and I weren't exactly in any shape to go exploring. He left us food and water, we were fine."

"Rodney, what about you?"

"Ronon's right. I sure didn't want to spend the night out under the trees, much less the next two weeks. I barely made it to the cave with Sheppard helping me and knowing exactly where it was. I sure couldn't have gone with him while he scouted it out. He did the right thing."

"I understand the cave sat on top of a rather large hill. Colonel, how did you get them up there with them being injured?"

John now shrugged his shoulders. "I just helped support them. We broke it up so that it wouldn't be too much on them. I took Rodney half way and got him settled and then went back for Ronon. Then I took Rodney on to the cave and returned to help Ronon. I knew they were hurting pretty badly and I hated to move them, but I had no idea what the nights were like or if they had animals big enough to be a danger. I needed for them to be inside where I could protect them."

"So you actually made the trip to the cave three times that day?" asked Kate.

"Oh, crap, he did it more than that," said Rodney, realizing for the first time just far Sheppard must have walked that day with a concussion and bruised ribs. "After he got us in the cave, he made a couple of trips to gather supplies that had fallen out of the jumper and then he gathered wood for a fire. And just for the record, Carson said he had a pretty bad concussion, not just a bump on the head. It's a wonder he didn't collapse."

John fiddled with the bottom of his t-shirt. "It was fine, McKay. I was just doing what needed to be done."

The discussion continued for over two hours, with each team member adding things as they remembered. Little by little, Ronon and Rodney began to understand how much John had worried about them when he was away and how much he'd driven himself, terrified they would die. Kate also asked questions to Rodney and Ronon about when they had seen John eating and she had then confronted John about the times he had told them he had already eaten or would eat later. By bringing up the times Rodney or Ronon had seen him throwing up, she was also able to get some information about times they hadn't known of. By the time they had finished, John's friends had a better understanding about why he'd lost so much weight and the sacrifice he'd made to ensure they survived. They were also beginning to understand why he'd been so sick and it had been so hard for him to recover.

When Kate announced they'd done enough for one day, all three were emotionally wrung out. They had each confessed moments of hopelessness in which they were sure they would die on that planet. They also had a new respect and appreciation for the suffering the others had had to deal with. Both Rodney and Ronon saw John in a different light. Instead of the painfully thin and weak-looking body, they now saw someone who had completely disregarded their own pain and fatigue in order to care for them and ensure that they survived, even if it had meant that he didn't. They saw the strength of body and will that had pushed him to be able to make the trek for food and water and supplies, even past the point where most people would have collapsed. Rodney said Sheppard had forced them to survive through sheer stubbornness, and Kate wasn't sure that he wasn't right.

"Thanks for doing that for me, guys," said John as they walked down the hall toward the mess hall. "I know that wasn't easy."

"Kate's probably right," admitted Rodney. "I have a feeling that was good for all of us. I hated every second of it, but now that's it's over, I actually feel better."

"Sort of like when you have a good cry," said Ronon. Rodney and John stopped dead in their tracks and stared at one another, both silently asking the other if they'd heard right.

Curiosity got the best of Rodney, but he moved on the other side of John as he asked, "What did you say?"

Ronon stopped to look at them curiously. "I said it's like when you have a good cry. Teyla has told me when her emotions build up to a certain point, she just sits and cries for a while. She hates the crying and it makes her head hurt, but then later she feels better. I believe I remember hearing my mother speak of doing this as well." Ronon stared at the two men, their mouths still slightly open, and narrowed his eyes. "You didn't think I meant me did you?"

Rodney and John looked briefly back at one another and smiled nervously. "No, of course not," said John.

"No, are you crazy? Why would we ever think that?" said Rodney, laughing in too high of a pitch.

Ronon grunted. "I hope not." He turned and headed for the mess hall with Rodney and John following behind and trying not to laugh.

oOo

John woke on the ground at the foot of the hill, below the cave and realized that he must have passed out. He had no idea how long he'd been gone this time. He kept getting lost and passing out, and it felt like he'd been gone for days. Climbing the hill as fast as he dared, he entered the cave, stumbling to his hands and knees. "Sorry guys, got lost," he panted.

When he got no answer, he looked up at Ronon and Rodney, both lying on the floor of the cave, unseeing eyes staring at the ceiling. Fear clutched him and moved forward, knowing he needed to check their pulse, to find out if they were really both dead. He'd let them down. He hadn't been here when they needed him. As he crawled between the two men, movement caught his eye. He looked at Rodney for several moments before realizing what it was. Maggots. They were both covered in maggots, making it look like their flesh was crawling.

John backpedaled as fast as he could, feeling the bile rise up his throat.

John almost erupted out of bed, panicking as he tried to get untangled from the sheets so he could get to the bathroom. His feet hit the floor, but the sheet was still wrapped around his ankles and as he tried to lurch forward, he tripped and fell, his right side crashing through the night stand and shattering it beneath his still healing ribs. The wind knocked out of him, he tried to gasp for air as he hit the ground, further jarring him and igniting the fire in his gut. He began vomiting before he could lift his head off the floor, choking as he struggled to suck in air and empty his stomach at the same time.

The hard, spastic muscle contractions that were now giving him the dry heaves were multiplying the fiery pain surging through his right side. That coupled with his coughing as he tried to clear his lungs were making him feel like he was suffocating. His head swam and the world began fading out as he fought to get enough air. Darkness finally closed in and he lost the battle to stay conscious.

TBC