SILENT SACRIFICE...part 23

He felt pain like something almost familiar. Taunting him but not tearing him apart like he was used to feeling. It was a soft throb in his temples, an ache in his muscles, a slight burn in his side. It didn't scare him away from the light this time, as it had before. Then he had scurried back into the warm darkness where the pain couldn't find him. But now he was ready to venture towards the light and to that end he tried to open his eyes, only they felt glued shut. He tried to lift a hand to rub them, feeling something pulling on the skin of the back of it. But he managed to flop it against his face only to feel something strange in his nose. Tubing. He tried to pull at it but something gripped his wrist, forcing his arm down.

Panic fluttered inside him and he forced his eyes open, blinking hard to bring into focus the face looming over him. Ronon. He watched Ronon's mouth move, heard him calling out to someone, then another face was looming over him.

Carson was smiling. "Good to see you back with us, Colonel," he said in his soft brogue.

"Wh-what...happened?" It hurt to ask because his throat felt raw and dry. John closed his eyes and tried to swallow and that made him whimper. Then he felt cool wetness against his lips and when he opened them an ice chip was pushed inside. It felt like heaven.

"Why don't you rest now and we'll talk later," Carson countered.

John opened his eyes, wishing he could shake his head. He had to settle for whispering, "No. Now." He knew something had happened, something had changed. The last thing he remembered was being in his room. Vaguely he remembered the nightmare that had sent him catapulting out of his bed. Then pain and feeling sick, but it was jumbled in his head. At the moment he wasn't sure any of it was actually real. Maybe he was still in the infirmary after being rescued from the cave. But that couldn't be right. John felt the panic flaring up again until a hand touched his shoulder. He stared at Carson, seeing the concern in the blue eyes.

Heaving a sigh, Beckett nodded. "I'll tell you then. You'll have to fill in the blanks for us later, but we found you in your room. Unconscious. You'd fallen and hurt yourself. Re-broke your ribs and punctured a lung. You were in surgery for three hours."

He didn't remember any of that and one hand shifted, feeling for the wound. He knew it would be on the right side because that's the side that was sore, hitching a bit with every breath, so he felt carefully, but there wasn't even a bandage there. John stared at Carson with shock.

"You developed a fever from an infection," Carson continued, as if he didn't notice John's surprise. "You're resistance is so low it wasn't a surprise. But you drifted in an out for a few days, you gave everyone quite a scare in fact. But now you're on the mend, Colonel."

"How...long?" John knew that Carson wasn't telling him everything. He knew that something felt wrong.

Carson didn't seem surprised by the question, but he did hesitate before replying. "Twelve days." He pointed a finger at John's face. "Hence the feeding tube."

John hadn't expected to hear that. Nearly two weeks of his life, gone. Two weeks like the time in the cave. Two more weeks setting him back all that much further. He felt a surge of despair along with the disbelief that overwhelmed him. He kept taking one baby step forward, stumbling as he went, only to fall back twenty giant steps every time. "No...no.." he whispered, shaking his head in denial, which made the tube, which was taped to his cheek, tug painfully on his skin.

"Easy, Colonel," Carson beseeched him, moving to grip his head firmly. He waited until John was looking at him to say, "You need to look at this in the positive. The time you slept helped your body to heal. You needed to be still to let your ribs heal and you needed the rest. The most negative aspect is the feeding tube, which I'm going to remove tonight. But I don't think you actually lost all that much and we'll get you back to eating soon enough. You will gain it back.

"No...can't..." It still hurt to talk and John felt like he was going to suffocate. It was too much to take. Too big a failure. He couldn't do this again. He couldn't face it anymore. He wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear. He need to get out of here. He started clawing at the tube in his nose, trying to grip it but he was so damn weak and his arms were too heavy. Then Carson was pinning him and calling for a nurse and John didn't have the strength to fight against him. He just lay there, fighting against the sting of tears, until he felt a rush of warmth in his veins, then darkness claimed him.

OoO

When he came awake again, Rodney was there, sitting in a cushioned chair, hunched over his lap top. John noticed his brace was gone and said as much. "It's...gone." Still hurt to talk.

"What's gone?" Rodney asked, not looking up. Then it seemed to hit him that John was talking to him and he nearly dropped his lap top in his hurry to get to his feet and over to the bed. He caught it and eased it onto the chair, then stepped over to John. "How are you feeling? Can I get you anything? Are you in pain? Want an ice chip?"

The Rodney babble was oddly comforting to John. He shook his head, realizing that the feeding tube was gone. He was glad in the sense that it made him a bit more comfortable. But then he focused on Rodney and said, "The brace...it's gone."

Rodney nodded, albeit a bit cautiously. "Most of the time," he allowed. "I still have to wear it when I'm on my feet a lot. But not much longer."

"I'm glad." John meant it. He wanted Rodney to get better. He wanted someone to be normal again.

"Sure you don't want some ice?" Rodney persisted, even as he reached for the cup.

Because it was easier to accept, than to argue, John nodded. He opened his mouth for the chip and closed his eyes as it melted and brought relief to his sore throat. He heard movement beside him, footsteps approaching, and opened his eyes to see a nurse heading towards him with a big basin.

Rodney grinned at him. "Sponge bath time, Colonel. The nurses have been arguing amongst themselves over who gets to...ya know...wash you."

"I'm sure," John replied, feeling and odd sort of detachment at what was happening. He knew he was thin and sickly and that maybe in the past nurses had flirted with him and such, but now he knew they would feel nothing but professionalism towards him and their job. He was nothing but a mess. A sad and useless sack of skin and bones. But he shared none of what he was thinking with Rodney. Instead he just smiled when Rodney said his goodbyes. He then let the nurse take his vitals before pulling the privacy curtain to wash him up. He closed his eyes then, tuning out her pleasant chattering as she worked. He felt the sponge moving over his body, but felt distanced from it.

When it was over he managed to smile at the nurse and thank her. She left the curtain closed after leaving, not that John cared. He simply stared at the ceiling, feeling weak and tired and worn out to his very soul. "I wish I had died on the planet," he whispered, because no one was there to listen. Then he closed his eyes against the sting of tears, willing himself to drift into oblivion.

OoO

Rodney had stuck around while the nurse did her thing with Sheppard. He figured the Colonel would enjoy some company for a while. In fact he'd been about to push aside the curtain and step inside when he heard Sheppard whisper that he wished he died on the planet. Hearing Sheppard, of all people, wish such a thing shocked Rodney to the very core of his being. The Colonel never gave up on anyone, and Rodney never thought he would give up on himself.

Backing away from the curtain, Rodney hurried out of the Infirmary. He had to talk to Elizabeth.

His talk with her led to an impromptu conference. Rodney sat beside Elizabeth, watching as the others filed in and took their seats. Beckett, Kate, Teyla, and Ronon rounded out the group. Rodney listened as Elizabeth told them what Sheppard had said. They showed varying degrees of surprise. Rodney noticed Ronon looked angry, but he said nothing. Not a surprise. The Satedan was a man of few words.

"So what do we do?" Elizabeth asked, throwing the question out to each of them.

A heavy silence was her reply. Rodney could tell that no one knew what to do next. Not even Kate. Which made his heart constrict in his chest. He had rather expected her to say they just needed to offer John support or something. At the very least he had expected Teyla to jump in with reassurances that they would fight for John to get better. Maybe meditation or something. Or Carson could suggest voodoo. Something. Anything.

Eventually it was Elizabeth who spoke. "Maybe we should send him back to Earth," she said slowly, and there was a heaviness in her tone that filled the room.

Rodney was stunned and his mouth opened, only to close again. He didn't know what to say to that. He didn't know how to argue against it.

"Maybe it's for the best," Carson interjected, looking almost like he wanted to cry. "The Colonel has worked so hard to get better, and we've done everything we can to support him...but it just doesn't seem to be enough."

"I think Carson is right," Kate said, looking resigned. "Maybe a change of venue would be best. Maybe different faces and change of scenery will kick start the Colonel onto the road to recovery. Then he can come back when he's ready.

Rodney wanted to scream at her for that. For saying such stupid things. He wanted to point out how well Sheppard was doing and that he just needed a little more time, only he couldn't get the words out. Maybe because he didn't believe them. He wanted to believe, but Sheppard wasn't getting better. And facts were facts. No matter what they tried to do, no matter how hard Sheppard had tried to get better, he was only getting worse. Feeling the sting of tears, Rodney blinked hard then rubbed his eyes, hoping no one would notice.

Ronon suddenly blasted to his feet, hurling his chair back hard enough to slam into the wall far behind him. "That's it?" he demanded, his dark eyes taking in each and every one of them. Damning them with an icy glare of anger. "Sheppard has never given up on anyone!" Ronon's eyes moved to seek out Rodney, and Rodney flinched and sank into his chair. "He never gave up on us," Ronon said to him, making it personal. "But you're giving up on him." The disgust Ronon was feeling was plain in his tone. He looked at them all one last time, then he stormed out of the room.

"He's right," Teyla whispered, once Ronon was gone. "We're giving up."

"I know," Elizabeth replied, before burying her face in her hands.

Carson looked like he wanted to heave. "There's nothing more we can do. We've tried everything." He sounded like he was trying to convince himself.

Rodney rose from his chair, moving out of the room and following in Ronon's wake. The Runner was right. Sheppard never gave up on anyone. He was the reason Rodney was alive at this very moment. He owed Sheppard and he was going to pay in full.

OoO

Nick was sitting with Sheppard when Ronon stalked into the infirmary. He glared at the doc, who got up and gestured him away a bit.

"Is something wrong?" Nick asked.

"They gave up on Sheppard," Ronon replied. "They want to send him back to Earth."

Nick didn't look surprised. "I figured as much." He looked sad and resigned. "Thing is...I think the Colonel would just as soon go back this time. He's given up."

Ronon shook his head. "I won't let him." He pushed past Nick, moving to Sheppard's bedside. He stared at the thin and pale form of the man he considered both leader and friend. Then he reached out and touched him, strong fingers gently squeezing the fragile shoulder. When Sheppard's eyes opened and found his, Ronon said, "They want to send you back."

"It's okay," John whispered. "It's better that I go."

"Better for who?" Ronon countered, anger blazing in his eyes. "You belong here!"

John shook his head, and the effort of that little motion seemed to wear him out. "I'm weak, Ronon. Nothing more than an invalid. I'm useless here."

Ronon couldn't believe what he was hearing. He couldn't believe that Sheppard really was giving up. It wasn't acceptable. "ENOUGH!" Ronon roared, and he saw Sheppard flinch in reaction. Then the blue-green eyes were on him, wide and glittering with fear and confusion. Ronon thought maybe a little fear would be good for him. The right kind of fear. But for all that he gentled his voice. "I won't listen to your bullshit," he stated.

"Bullshit?" John echoed, looking stunned.

"You taught me the word and it's meaning," Ronon reminded him. And it fit this situation perfectly. Sheppard was buying into the bullshit that he was used up and should be put out to pasture. It's what happened to warriors when they got old, but Sheppard wasn't old and he wasn't used up. He was just tired. But they could do something about that. Ronon could help him rest and regain his strength.

John stared at Ronon for a long moment, then he blinked and closed his eyes. "Right," he whispered. "I remember. Ronon...I'm sorry I failed."

Ronon tapped him on the face until Sheppard was looking at him again. "So stop."

"Stop?" John looked confused.

"Stop failing yourself, because you haven't me or anyone else. Just yourself." Ronon held the tired gaze, watching as understanding dawned. Watching as Sheppard pushed it away, not willing to fight now.

Dropping his gaze, John replied, "I'm tired."

Ronon took his face in one hand, making him look at him. "I will help you rest, then we will make the journey back together."

"What journey?" For a moment John looked intrigued.

"The journey back to yourself, body and soul," Ronon replied. It was a journey he had been forced to make long ago. It was a journey Sheppard had made in little ways. A journey over hills and valleys, but now he faced a mountain. "We survived in the cave as a team because you kept us strong. We will make this journey as a team and you will be strong again."

But John shook his head. "I can't...I can't do it."

Rodney had arrived in time to hear the end of Ronon's speech, and he moved to stand beside the Satedan, his eyes locked on John as he replied, "Yes, you can. We can do this, Sheppard. The three of us...together."

"Will you try?" Ronon beseeched Sheppard.

"I.." John was about to refuse, it was obvious to see, when he suddenly nodded and whispered, "Okay. I'll try." Then his eyes drifted closed.

Ronon was willing to let him sleep. He looked at McKay and nodded, accepting his offer to join them. They were a team after all. Then he moved to grab two chairs. He offered one to McKay then straddled his own, settling in to keep vigil. From this moment on, Sheppard would never be alone.

OoO

John hadn't known what to expect when he agreed to let Ronon and Rodney help him. He didn't know that while he slept, Elizabeth and Carson and Kate had come to argue with Ronon. That they truly believed John would be better off back on Earth. But between Ronon's steadfast determination and Rodney's all out begging, they had agreed to give Ronon two weeks to work with John. If he didn't show a marked improvement by then, then he would go back to Earth when the Daedalus arrived a week after that.

Agreeing with Ronon meant John was never left alone. Ronon or Rodney were with him at all times. In fact, they took over the nurses duties, other than taking vitals. The first day after John agreed to their help, Ronon bullied Carson into removing John's catheter. John had even argued against that, since he felt too weak to get up to go to the bathroom and he hated using a urinal. But once the catheter was gone he did feel a bit better. He hadn't been to pleased, however, when Ronon had lifted him out of bed, taking him to the bathroom and helping him. Then came a shower with a naked Satedan holding him and washing him, then dressing him in his own sweat pants and t-shirt.

To John's surprise he felt better once he was laid back on the bed. The carrying thing bugged him a bit, especially the ease with which Ronon did it, but he felt more human now that he was freshly scrubbed from head to toe, and dressed in his own things. To the point where he didn't argue when Rodney made him eat some broth. John was so weak he couldn't hold the spoon without trembling and having Rodney feed him gave him pause at first, but it was only for about three spoonfuls before he fell asleep.

The hardest part of agreeing to Ronon's plan was not getting anymore sedatives. The drugs had helped him sleep without dreaming, but Ronon insisted he go off them. So even when he simply dozed off, a nightmare took shape. But before it could overwhelm him, John heard Ronon calling him out of it and the shadows faded away to the reality and he knew that his team was safe. He knew because they were both in front of him. Ronon whittling something out of wood and Rodney typing on his laptop. He basked in their presence for a moment, then let his eyes drift closed again. This time he slept without dreaming and without the drugs keeping him from a true and healing slumber.

When he woke up again, Rodney was there with lunch. More broth. But John was able to hold the spoon himself. He ate half the bowl, feeling a bit too full but it was staying down which felt like an accomplishment in itself. Then Ronon was there to carry him to the bathroom, which made John ask if he could use the wheelchair instead.

"This is better," Ronon replied. "This is a goal for you to reach for." As he spoke he made his way to the bathroom.

"A goal?" John questioned. Because he couldn't see how being carried like he was a child as a goal in any way, shape, or form.

Ronon reached the bathroom and settled him on his feet, supporting John as he relieved himself. "When you're ready you'll try to walk here," he replied. "The wheel chair makes you too dependant."

Letting Ronon ease him over to the sink, John managed to lean against the counter supporting his own weight for a shaky moment while he washed his hands. And that's when the light bulb went on and he got what Ronon was doing. The wheel chair was a crutch which John was accepting too willingly. But he would fight harder to be on his feet if his only other option was to be carried like a baby. "You're pretty slick," John complimented the Satedan, and he was smiling as he said it.

"I've learned a few things from you," Ronon countered. Then he was scooping John back in his arms, taking him back to bed.

John was learning too and the next day he walked to the bathroom. He didn't make it back on his own, but getting there was half the battle. He managed to get more soup down and half a cup of Carson's goop. Then he slept for a few hours, dreaming but waking himself up this time. He slitted his eyes open just enough to see Ronon sitting there, watching him, then he slipped back into a dreamless slumber.

Two days later Rodney was helping him to the bathroom for a shower. Which John intended to take on his own.

"Not a good idea," Rodney insisted. "If you fall I won't be able to get you back up."

"Sure you can," John replied, as he pushed away from Rodney's grip and started stripping. "Ronon can carry me with a brace on his leg."

Rodney interrupted with a snort and snarky, "That's because you weigh all of ten pounds soaking wet."

John laughed, not feeling insulted for once. "Then you should be able to pick me up no problem," he shot back. Which got a smile from Rodney, which made John smile back. It felt weird to smile, like his face wasn't used to it, but John liked the feeling. He was down to boxers and he waved at Rodney. "You can turn around or get a show," he warned, then he stepped out of the boxers and into the shower.

"You've got five minutes," Rodney told him. "Then I'll drag you out."

"Five minutes," John confirmed, hoping his legs would hold him that long. He'd already been up and walking around his little private area, without Beckett's knowledge. He knew he had to use his muscles if he wanted to get stronger. He had stumbled a couple of times, but he was getting stronger and that made something positive bloom in his chest. Something that felt almost like hope.

OoO

Elizabeth crept into the infirmary. It was late and she should have been in bed and asleep, but she'd had a few things to catch up on and late night was a good time to get the privacy she needed to get finish up. Before heading off to bed she wanted to check on John. Which meant checking up on Rodney and Ronon as well, because one of them was with John at all times and they both slept in the infirmary at night.

Slipping over to John's corner of the infirmary, Elizabeth smiled to see him curled up on his side, sleeping soundly. He was still pale and far too thin, but there was a hint of color to his cheeks, that was visible even in the dim light, and he looked almost normal without any tubes or IV's sticking out of him for once.

"Doctor Weir."

She jumped at the sound of a voice behind her. Turning she found Nick smiling at her. "You scared me," Elizabeth accused, but she was smiling as she said it.

Nick nodded. "Sorry." He didn't sound it.

"How is he?" she asked, gesturing to John. Not that Nick wouldn't have known who she meant anyway. He was their star patient after all.

"He's doing better," Nick replied, waving for Elizabeth to step away so they could talk without disturbing anyone.

Elizabeth followed, noticing that Ronon's eyes had opened, but closed as they moved away. She was glad he was watching over John. "Better as in we won't have to send him back to Earth?" she queried.

Nick shrugged. "Not my call, but if it was, I'd say yes. I mean...don't get me wrong, we're not out of the woods yet and he could have set backs and...I'm sure he will. But he's doing so much better than before. Attitude is everything."

"Faith isn't the only thing that can move mountains," Elizabeth replied. "Hope can too."

"Ronon and Dr. McKay have given him that hope." Nick was smiling as he spoke. "I think Ronon in particular understands the Colonel's mind set. He's setting goals for him that are challenging, but reachable. Goals that Sheppard needs to achieve and he's determined to do just that."

Elizabeth felt something inside her break away. The lump of fear and doubt that had been roiling in her stomach for weeks. "Is he gaining weight?"

Nick winced. "Not much, but he's only just started eating toast and drinking half a can of ensure. The walking he's doing burns some calories, but he needs to move around too, to build up muscle mass and endurance."

"But he's going to get better this time, isn't he?" Elizabeth felt like she could finally believe that.

"I'm not going to make promises," Nick demurred. "That's tempting fate in my book. But I have hope now too."

Elizabeth patted him on the shoulder, she could sympathize with him completely. She didn't want to tempt fate either. "Hope is all we need," she said softly. Then she took one last look at Sheppard before heading off to bed. For the first good night's sleep in as long as she could remember.

THE END...of part 23