SILENT SACRIFICE...part 24

A week slid by with an ease that surprised John. Before he knew it he was stepping on the scale for another - dreaded - weigh in and Beckett was almost cheering. He had gained one pound. Seemed ridiculous to get so excited over something to menial, but John felt a smile curving his own mouth. It shouldn't feel like a victory, and yet it really was.

"Well done, Colonel," Carson praised him.

"Give Ronon all the credit," John demurred, gesturing at the Runner who was standing with arms crossed over his chest and grinning broadly. "He's practically been shoveling food in me." And by food John meant goop and toast and broth and bland oatmeal for the most part. But he had managed to eat what passed for a grilled cheese sandwich for the past two days. And the dreaded cans of ensure. John was up to two a day.

Carson looked ready to reply to John, but Weir had appeared and cut him off to say, "Don't sell yourself short, John. You've worked hard to get to this point. I know I'm proud of you."

John felt pleased by her words, but a bit disgruntled as well. He should be helping her run things in Atlantis, not feeling good about gaining a stupid pound. But he knew he needed to take each goal he reached, however small, as a positive step in the right direction. "Thanks," he said, nodding to her.

"So, can Sheppard stay?" Ronon interjected, his focus on Elizabeth.

"There's one more thing the Colonel needs to do before I can make that decision," she replied. Then she turned to look at John. "I want you to have a session with Kate. What she tells me about your progression will help me make my decision. But I will say this, things are looking good in favor of you staying here."

John could accept that, for now. "Fine, I'll talk to Kate." He would do whatever it took and he felt there was nothing to hide. From anyone any more, really.

Rodney came striding in just in time to hear what John said. "Talk to her later," he stated, looking pleased with himself. "We have places to go and things to see." He then turned to Carson and asked, "Did you sign him out yet?"

"What?" John was surprised by what he was hearing. He looked at Beckett. "I'm free to go?" He hadn't expected to be released yet."

"Aye," Carson replied. "I told Rodney and Ronon that once you gained a pound, you could go back to your room."

John nodded, not sure how to reply. He was glad he could go on the one hand, but a part of him felt a little freaked by it. He wasn't sure he was ready to be on his own, but no way in hell was he going to admit that to any of them. But the truth was, the infirmary had become a safe haven for John. Not just because of the place, he knew, but because of Rodney and Ronon's ever presence. But it wasn't like he wouldn't be able to see them when needed, so John shook of his anxiety and smiled. "Guess I'm out of here then."

Rodney caught his arm when he took a step towards the door. "Ronon and I have something to show you."

"Like what?" John frowned at McKay, uncertain if he was going to like whatever was up Rodney's sleeve.

"It's a surprise," Rodney shot back, exchanging a glance with Ronon.

It was the big guy who stated, "Trust us," to John.

Which he was willing to do. It was his trust in them that was getting him through his present hell. So John nodded. "Fine. Where are we going?"

"Follow me." Rodney grabbed him by the shirt sleeve and tugged him towards the door."

"Let go," John said, batting Rodney's hand away, but he was grinning. In a sense he was finally free. He felt Ronon fall into step behind them, then the three of them were stepping into a transporter. Rodney kept beaming in a way that made John want to slap him, but he figured he could let Rodney have his fun. For now. Two transporter rides later, they were in an unfamiliar hallway.

Rodney led him to the first door on the right. "We're here," he announced, dramatically.

John rolled his eyes. "And where is here, exactly."

"Our new digs." Rodney tapped the door panel and it slid open. He waved for John to enter.

"Our new digs?" John echoed, even as he stepped inside. It turned out to be a suite of rooms that were comfortably furnished.

Rodney stepped up beside him to point things out. "Two bedrooms. I picked the one on the left. Yours is over there." He pointed to the right doorway. "We already brought our things and some of yours, but you can pick up whatever you think you'll need. It's not like it's a permanent arrangement."

John was confused. "What does this mean?" He turned to Ronon for a quick and simple explanation.

"We'll live here until you're ready to leave," the Runner explained. "Consider it our cave."

"Oh." John hadn't expected this, but he knew what Ronon meant. They had survived the Cave against all odds, now the suite would replace the infirmary, offering a positive safe place for them all. They were on their own again, but without the need to survive against all odds. They could simply live and be safe. "Whose idea was it?" John asked.

Rodney raised his hand. "I figure it would be a good way to wean you back into the old life. For all of us." He held John's gaze as he spoke.

It made John feel better to realize that maybe Rodney needed this too. So he made a show of looking about for a moment, then asked Ronon, "Where are you going to sleep?" He was guessing the couch, although it looked like it might be too short for the big guy.

"Sleeping roll in your room on the floor," Ronon replied. "And don't argue. When you're ready you can kick me out."

"So you're good with this?" Rodney asked, looking a bit anxious and hopeful.

John nodded. "Yeah, I'm good with it." He clapped Rodney on the shoulder then said, "Anyone feel like lunch?"

OoO

True to his word, John met with Kate two days later. She actually had to cancel on him before then, not that he minded. It allowed him time to settle into the new arrangement. Truthfully, John was glad to have Rodney and Ronon still with him. And he said as much when Kate asked him about it.

"Why?" she countered, settling into one of the chairs they'd brought out to the balcony.

"I still need to know they're safe," John replied. He shifted about in his own chair, trying to get comfortable but not quite managing it. Although he knew his physical discomfort was merely a projection of his discomfort in talking with Kate right now. He would do it, but he wasn't happy about it.

Kate nodded then said, "But you know they're safe, Colonel. Is it that you need to see them to believe it?"

John considered the question before answering it. "I guess I do," he allowed. "Being able to see them when I have a nightmare keeps me grounded." Which was more of a confession than he really wanted to make.

"How are your nightmares?" Kate queried.

"Better." John made himself relax against the chair, focusing his eyes on the endless water off the balcony. "I'm sleeping better than I did in the infirmary, which I think is more the fact that the bed is way more comfortable than anything in the infirmary." He chuckled as he spoke and watched Kate smile with him. Then he continued. "I think the rest is helping me have more control over my subconscious mind. I'm not so worn out so I can deal with it better."

She looked intrigued. "You're probably right. Do you think being with you is helping Rodney and Ronon as well?"

John nodded. "I think it's helping Rodney at least. I think Ronon was fine with everything that's happened to us. He's been handling it the best."

"I have a feeling he's suffered a few nightmares of his own," Kate countered.

"After seven years on the run, I don't doubt that," John agreed. "But he still has a different mind set than the rest of us. He's helping me realize that and deal with my own shit."

Kate was quiet a moment, looking reflective. She stared out at the water as he was, then quietly said, "Do you think maybe the three of you might be becoming too dependant on each other? That maybe you're relying on each other more than you should?"

John felt a flare of anger at her words, but doused it. He knew she could never understand what happened to them, and how hard it was to deal with the aftermath. But he wanted her to have at least and honest realization of what it meant to survive what they had survived. But first he wanted to clarify exactly what she meant. "You mean me, don't you? You think I'm too dependant."

"Yes." Kate didn't deny it.

"So...does this mean you think I should go back to Earth?" John needed to know, but asking the question made his stomach twist into knots of dread.

Kate turned her head and locked eyes with him. "No, I don't think that at all," she replied. "I just want you to be aware of what's really happening here. If you use Rodney and Ronon as a crutch, what happens when they do drift away from you? Will you crumple or will you still be standing?"

John ran a hand through his hair, once again being reminded that he needed a hair cut. But he shook that idle thought aside and said, "There's nothing I can say to convince you that this is a good thing. I can't because...maybe you're right. Or maybe you just don't understand what it's like to survive what happened. All I know is that I need this right now."

"Okay." Kate offered a warm smile. "Just be careful."

"I will." John rose from his seat and reached for his chair. "Are we done?"

Kate nodded. "We're done." She waved John away. "I'm going to sit here for a while."

He turned to go but paused to ask, "What are you going to tell Weir?"

"That she should let you stay," Kate replied, without hesitation.

"Thank you." John meant it. He felt relief wash over him and it made him a bit dizzy. But then he was heading out the door without waiting for Kate's reply. He dropped the chair off where it belonged, then went for a walk, feeling a bit restless. And all the while Kate's words replayed in his head, until he mentally turned them off.

OoO

The Daedalus would arrive in three days. Elizabeth had confirmed that John could stay on Atlantis and he and everyone else was happy about that. Along with the fact that he'd gained another half pound.

The living arrangement with Rodney and Ronon seemed to be working out. John was sleeping well with only a few bad moments. A few nightmares that were mild enough he could wake himself from them. But each time he couldn't help but ask himself if Kate was right.

Tonight he didn't dream because he couldn't sleep. Long after Ronon and Rodney were snoring, John lay awake, staring at the ceiling. Finally he slipped out of bed and pulled on jeans and stuffed his feet into sneakers. He could feel Ronon watching him. "I'm just going for a walk," John told him.

"Can't sleep?" Ronon countered.

"I think it was that candy bar at supper," John replied. It was a fib but a good one. It had been his first candy in months and he was still feeling the buzz from it. "I won't be gone long."

Ronon nodded. "I'll come find you if you are." That said he closed his eyes.

John slipped out of the room and roamed the corridors for a while. He didn't have a definitive destination in mind, or so he believed, until he ended up in front of his old room. He thought the door open and stepped inside. It felt strange to be here. His eyes shifted to the spot by his bed where he knew he'd fallen. The night stand had been replaced. It was a different stand but everything else looked the same. He was the only thing that had truly changed.

Exhaling a shuddery breath, John moved to the bed and sat down. He kicked off his sneakers and stretched out, shifting a bit till he was comfortable. He lay there for a long time, staring at the ceiling and willing his heart rate to slow down. He could almost feel his heart thumping against his rib cage. He could do this. He could be alone.

After a time he let his eyes drift closed. John didn't feel himself fall asleep. He dreamed about the cave and the Wraith, only this time he showed up in time to shoot the bastard before it could feed on Rodney or Ronon. When the Wraith howled in anger before dying, John jolted awake. He wasn't afraid.

Closing his eyes again, John drifted off to sleep. He never saw Ronon slip into the room and keep vigil for a time. He simply slept without dreaming.

OoO

By the time Caldwell was due to arrive, John had gained another pound and had started working out with Teyla. Mostly stretching. He did that for half an hour, then headed to the mess hall to eat. By mutual agreement he was back in his own room and no longer using a food buddy. John was being trusted to take care of himself again. No one made a fuss about it and he appreciated that. Elizabeth had even agreed to let him start back to work on light duty as of today. So John grabbed a quick breakfast of oatmeal and milk and managed to eat half of it.

His next stop was his room for a quick shower. Then he got dressed, gelled his newly cut hair, and prepared himself to getting back to his former life. Still moving in baby steps, but it was moving forward and that was all that mattered. Smiling to himself, John grabbed his radio and tucked it in his ear. It had been so long since he'd worn one it felt strange. But a good strange.

He was just heading out the door when he heard a bit of static then Elizabeth's voice.

"Major Lorne...what the-"

John frowned as Elizabeth's response broke off. There was more static then Elizabeth said something that made his blood run cold.

"Kolya! Release my men!" Elizabeth sounded scared and angry.

"Kolya," John whispered, even as he reached into his drawer to retrieve his side arm. He strapped it on, hoping Elizabeth would say something more, but the radio went silent. John tapped it but got nothing. This was bad. Kolya was back on Atlantis and John knew he wasn't in any condition to face off with the man. But it was obvious he had Lorne and his team hostage and John couldn't let that happen. He couldn't let Kolya take Atlantis.

Slipping out of his room, John headed down the hall and into the nearest transporters. He needed more weapons and his team. Together they would take Kolya out. They had survived certain death, so this would be a piece of cake.

THE END...of part 24

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