SILENT SACRIFICE...part 27

"Another pound," Carson announced, looking pleased.

John smiled back at him. He wasn't nearly as excited, but he supposed it was a good thing. But gaining only seven pounds in four weeks just didn't seem like that big of an accomplishment. Especially considering the amount of food he'd been putting away in the past two weeks. "So no yelling at me this week?" he teased.

Carson mock glared at him. "I don't yell at you," he countered firmly. "I just merely state my opinion in a tone of voice that might have a hope of penetrating your thick skull."

"I think I've been insulted." John mock pouted and got a shake of Carson's head and a waggly finger directed at him.

"Up on the bed," Carson said, patting the mattress. Once John was up there he stared a standard check of vitals. "So how have you been feeling?"

John resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He was getting check ups at regular, three day intervals. Carson knew not a whole lot was going to change in that amount of time. "I feel good," he replied, dutifully.

Carson gave a nod then reached for John's right hand. He checked his fingers then smoothed his own over the ace bandage, testing that it wasn't too tight. "How's your flexibility coming?"

"Doing better every day," John replied, tugging his hand free then making a fist a few times to show Carson his progress. Which had been slow in coming. For a while there John had feared he'd not regain full use of his hand which would have messed him up every which way but loose. But he was focused on the exercises the physical therapist had given him, and they seemed to work. As did a few things Teyla had shown him. Her people had their own ways of treating various injuries.

"Glad to hear that." Carson sounded sincere. "How about your ribs?"

John shrugged, feeling relieved that he could do that now without feeling any stabbing pain in his side. "They twinge now and then and I can't twist too much, but they'll be as good as new pretty quick." At least he hoped so. He was getting tired of taking so damn long to heal.

Carson was watching him with a knowing eye. "You just have to be patient, son," he said softly. "You're making great progress in the past two weeks."

"I know." And John did know. But he wasn't good at being patient. Case in point was how he had harassed Elizabeth into letting him go back to full duty, of the administrative kind for now, just to have something to do rather than wander the halls or pretend to read his book. He needed to be doing something useful. Which was why he was gearing up to ask Beckett an all important question. A quick inhale and a slow release to calm his nerves, then he blurted out, "So when can I go back through the gate?"

"Colonel..." Carson sounded regretful even as he paused and eyed John with sympathy. "I know you're anxious to get back out there, but you know you're not ready yet."

John did know, but he needed a goal to work towards. "How soon? Just give me a ball park figure, Doc."

It was obvious that Carson felt he was being put on the spot by the way he hemmed and hawed for a moment. But then he heaved a sigh and said, "Maybe in a month, taking into consideration your condition at that point, maybe I'll clear you for a test run mission through the gate. Somewhere we've been before where we know there's no hostiles and such."

"Like a pretend mission," John supplied, and he wasn't entirely successful in keeping the bitterness he was feeling out of his tone. Carson was placating him and he hated it.

"Colonel, don't get bitchy with me when you know I'm right about this." Carson let some of his own irritation show. "You need to build up strength and muscle mass, not to mention endurance. None of which you'll attain without gaining more weight."

John knew Beckett was right, but that didn't make it easier to accept. "How much weight are we talking here?" he countered. If he had something specific to focus on, maybe it would make the time pass by quicker.

Carson sighed again, one hand scratching at his chin. "I would say at least ten pounds, but I'm allowing muscle weight into the equation. I know you're working out with Teyla again, so you should start building it up."

"We're not past the stretching stage yet," John muttered. Which didn't involve muscle building so much as muscle flexing. Not that it wasn't a good thing, he was just getting so damn frustrated. "Can I start longer and harder work outs now?" he asked, hopefully. Beckett had him on a strict exercise regime. He could run with Ronon for thirty minutes a day, three times a week. No more. He was allowed to work out with Teyla daily, for thirty minute sessions, but John knew that was only because Beckett trusted Teyla not to let him work past his allotted time. The Doc's trust was well placed. Teyla was a stickler on the time, pretty much right down to the second.

"Ask me again in a few days," Carson advised.

John knew what that meant. "You mean after you talk to Teyla and convince yourself I'm not pushing myself too hard." John didn't hide his anger as he slid off the bed and faced Carson with eyes blazing. "I've done everything you've asked of me for the past month. I've followed every rule and regulation down to the letter. I'm so damn SICK of being treated like I'm fragile and breakable! And like I don't have enough sense to come out of the rain!" John was getting so worked up he was almost shouting. Almost. What bothered him more was that he was taking his frustration out on Beckett. The man had brought him back from the abyss time and again and this was how John repaid him. Shame flooded through John, washing away the anger. He raised a hand to stop Beckett from replying to his tirade. "Never mind. Forget I said anything. I'm sorry. I'm not pissed at you." John turned away, running one hand through his hair as he fought to gain control over his emotions. He was so damn moody of late that Rodney had accused him of developing PMS. Taking a few shaky breaths, John turned back to Carson. "I'm just getting frustrated with myself. And patience has never been one of my virtues."

Carson looked to be trying to hide a smile as he deadpanned, "You hide it well."

"It's a gift," John allowed, then he laughed a bit and shook his head. "I really am sorry."

"I know you are, son." Carson patted his shoulder. "And I understand your frustration. But you have to understand how I feel too. And not just me. What happened to you, and Rodney and Ronon...it didn't just affect the three of you. And with you in particular, Colonel...watching you go through hell and back and get so close to getting better and to keep falling back...it's left a mark on all of us."

John hadn't thought about that, which was probably pretty damn selfish of him. He sighed then asked, "Can we pretend my little hissy fit never happened?"

Carson chuckled. "Aye, that we can."

"So I'm free to go?" John gave his best, puppy-dog eyed, hopeful look.

"Go already," Carson said, making a shooing motion with both hands. "And I'll see you back in five days. Unless you need me sooner."

John nodded, already heading for the door. But he stopped and turned back as what Beckett said finally penetrated. "Five days?" he echoed. When Beckett nodded he grinned. It was about time he got an extended parole, so to speak. So he could go check up free for five whole days instead of coming back every three. He smiled at the Doc and gave a salute, but the smile faded when he reached the corridor. It was still a long-term sentence no matter how you looked at it. He had a long way to go before he would even be close to being in the condition needed to do his job.

That fact had been on his mind a lot of late. He was the Military head of Atlantis, but all he was doing was shuffling papers around. So to speak. Major Lorne was the one carrying out the duties that mattered. He was the one actually going on missions and protecting Atlantis. John had become nothing more than a figurehead. Which wasn't settling well with him. To the point where he believed it was time to have a talk with Elizabeth. The safety of Atlantis and her people was what mattered to John, and he would put them before his own needs.

Having come to a decision, John headed for the nearest transporter. But as he rounded a corner, he ran hard into a rock solid figure. Hard enough to bounce off him and he would have fallen had big hands not caught him and kept him on his feet. John wasn't surprised to see Ronon eyeing him with concern. "I'm fine, big guy. Just need to watch where I"m going." He figured he might as well answer the question before it was asked.

"Okay," Ronon replied, releasing him. "What did Beckett say?"

"I gained another pound." John felt stupid giving the update. He also felt a bit of envy because Ronon was doing so much better than he was. He was still doing therapy for his leg, but he wasn't wearing a brace any longer. However, he was limping still. Sometimes John was glad about that, before guilt niggled at him for begrudging Ronon for getting back to normal before he did. "How's the leg?"

Ronon hopped up and down a few times. "Still sore but nothing that matters. Did you ask about going off world?"

They had discussed it over breakfast a few days ago. John wished he could lie about it. "Maybe in a month he'll let me do a test run." He tried not to let it show how disappointed he was.

"Whenever you're ready, we'll be ready," Ronon replied. "Don't sweat it."

"I'll try." John found himself grinning at Ronon's comment. Since he'd taught it to the big guy. The Satedan had been quick to pick up Earth euphemisms and catch phrases. Although sometimes he didn't quite get their usage right, which made for some rather hilarious moments, which the big guy took in stride.

Ronon clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't rush yourself. You'll get where you're going on time." With that bit of wisdom lingering between them, Ronon strode off down the hallway.

John considered Ronon's advice, but it didn't help him feel less impatient or frustrated with himself. Stepping into the transporter, John steeled himself for the confrontation to come. He knew Elizabeth wasn't going to like what he had to say, but John knew it had to be said. He knew what he had to do.

OoO

It actually took John a while to make his way to Elizabeth's office. He ended up side tracking to the nearest balcony to wallow in the fresh air and sunshine for over an hour. He needed to think things through and make sure his thoughts were clear. Elizabeth was all about the debate and she would have a comeback for everything he said to her. But he was determined not to let her change her mind. So John was brimming with determination when he finally knocked on her office door.

Head bent over her laptop, it was a moment before Elizabeth looked up and invited him in. "What's up?" she asked, offering a smile.

"Not much," John allowed. He was grateful to her for not asking how he was feeling. She was one of the few people who had caught on that asking him how he was feeling every day was not a good idea. Nor did she ask how his check up went. Why bother when they both knew she was going to ask Beckett for his official report. "You got a minute to talk?" he asked.

"Of course." She closed the lid on her lap top then gave him her undivided attention.

John nodded then sank into the chair across from her desk. "I've been doing a lot of thinking," he began. "Which I've had a lot of time for lately." It was a lame comment meant to be funny, and it did illicit a tiny grin from Elizabeth. But John only grimaced and mentally slapped himself. He stared at his hands for a minute, both clenched into fists on his thighs, then made himself relax before continuing. He was glad Elizabeth had a lot of patience, enough for the both of them at times. She just simply waited for him to be ready. "I've been thinking about my position here in Atlantis," he said quietly, and still without really looking at Elizabeth.

But she was watching him like a hawk. "What about it, John? You know it's secure. Even Caldwell conceded you've earned your place here."

"I know." John was still surprised and pleased by Caldwell's confession. But that didn't change facts. "The thing is, I can't do the job right now and it's probably going to be a fair while before I can."

"Meaning what?" It was obvious Elizabeth knew she wasn't going to like what she was about to hear, by the look on her face.

John grimaced then blurted out, "You should send for Caldwell to take over my duties for the unforeseen future." Man did that hurt to say, almost like a physical pain in his gut that John felt like curling up against.

Elizabeth stared at him with her eyes a bit wide, but otherwise she didn't seem all that surprised. In fact, she sighed softly as she leaned back in her chair and pinned him with an intense gaze. "I had hoped you wouldn't do this," she stated, and when he opened his mouth to respond, she waved a hand at him. "Let me finish, John. First, I figured you'd be thinking this way. That you can't do the job you were hired for so it's better for the sake of Atlantis if Caldwell takes over. Blah blah. Am I right?"

"Um..mostly," John allowed, because now was not the time to lie about it. And, scarily enough, she was right. Meant he was getting too damn predictable and that was going to have to change.

"Between you and Lorne, everything is as it should be," Elizabeth continued. "Which means I'm going to pretend this little conversation never happened. Okay? You are the head of the Military faction here in Atlantis, John. More than that, you're the man everyone looks to to keep them safe and to keep them inspired. And I need you here. It's not about you going through the gate, it's about the support you give me and it's about a million other things I really don't have time to go in to. But I have a feeling you know exactly what I mean." Her smile was warm and knowing.

John did get it and he nodded. "Works for me. Guess that's it then." He made to stand up but she was waving a hand at him again so he relaxed back into the chair. "Something you wanted?"

Elizabeth nodded. "As a matter of fact, yes. I need a favor from you. A big one, in fact."

"Okay. What kind of favor?" John had to admit he was curious. Especially since it wasn't as if he were in any condition, or position, to be doing any favor like things for anyone.

"I need you to run Atlantis for me for a few days," Elizabeth replied. "Like...five?" She looked hopeful as she asked.

But John was confused and he let it show on his face as he countered, "Why? Where are you going? Did something happen you didn't tell me about?" The thought of which both pissed him off and made him feel a bit panicked.

Rising to her feet and coming around the desk, Elizabeth was quick to reassure him. "Nothing like that, John. It's just that I need a break. During my last check up with Beckett, my blood pressure was high and I'm not sleeping well and I'm...I'm just worn out. Beckett wants me to get away from Atlantis for a few days and we both agree that you'll be more than capable of handling things while I'm gone."

"Where would you go?" He hoped not back to Earth. A part of John was afraid she wouldn't come back and Atlantis needed her.

"To the Ylian homeworld," Elizabeth replied. "You remember it. The paradise planet, I believe Rodney called it."

John did remember. The place looked beautiful but it had suffered a horrible culling and its people who were kind, simple, folk had their work cut out for them rebuilding their lives. But they had still been willing to trade whatever they could in exchange for the help Sheppard and his team had offered. At which point John had contacted Elizabeth, asking her to visit and negotiate a suitable arrangement for one and all. Part of what was offered in trade to Atlantis was a place for the Atlantis people to go for relaxation. "Are you okay?" John asked, because that was his first concern.

Nodding, Elizabeth offered a smile. "I'm fine, but I wouldn't mind a bit of down time."

"I've caused some of your stress, haven't I?" John knew neither one of them could deny that, and he was rather pleased when she didn't.

"I think you've given me most of my gray hairs," ELizabeth allowed, but without any sting in her tone. "But it's not just you, John. It's the job and this place and all the responsibility involved. The buck stops with me and it's more than I bargained for when I signed on. Not that I don't love being here. But sometimes...sometimes I don't love the job."

John could understand that. "Me too." He took a moment to consider what she was asking, then he had a question of his own. "Are you sure you want to put me in charge?"

Elizabeth grinned. "Of course. Who else? Rodney would go power hungry and I trust you to take care of Atlantis and give her back to me the way I left her."

"You're a brave soul," John teased, but at the same time he felt a tingle of anticipation. Not that he wanted to do Elizabeth's job, because he knew how damn hard it was. But at least for five days he would feel useful, and he needed to feel that again.

"Does that mean you agree?" Elizabeth looked hopeful.

John nodded. "I'm in. When do you leave?"

A laughed escaped Elizabeth and she shook a finger at him. "Trying to get rid of me already?"

"Just wondering," John replied, laughing himself.

"I leave tomorrow," she replied.

John was thoughtful. "You're not going alone, are you?"

With a shake of her head, Elizabeth moved back to her chair. "Teyla is going with me, and I'll have Cadman as well as another marine. Does that meet with your standards?" Her tone was serious as she asked.

"Sounds good," John replied. He trusted Teyla and Cadman to watch out for Elizabeth and having an extra marine along wouldn't hurt. He stood up and nodded towards the door. "I'll be having lunch in Rodney's lab if you need me."

"Got it." Elizabeth waved him off.

John headed for the messhall. It had become part of his daily routine to bring Rodney a lunch tray. Then he harassed the scientist for a bit, along with touching things for him if warranted. It helped to pass a couple of hours anyway. So John loaded up a tray with sandwiches, glasses of milk and cake for dessert, then he headed for the nearest transporter.

Five minutes later he and Rodney were digging into lunch. John noticed how Rodney watched him eat and he'd learned to ignore it. More or less. "Anything new today?" he asked, before taking a bite of his turkey sandwich. He had to admit it tasted good to want to eat again. Even though his stomach still couldn't hold what it used too. Beckett said it would stretch back out to full capacity in time.

"Lorne brought me some gadget things this morning," Rodney replied, around a mouthful of food. He then pointed to some round, metal objects on the nearby table.

"Any idea what they do?" John asked, his curiosity piqued.

Rodney shook his head. "Not a clue. No one can get them to do anything so far. I doubt you'll be able to either. They resemble Ancient tech, but I have a feeling they're something else."

Setting aside his sandwich for the moment, John reached for one of the objects and he felt it grow warm in his hand. "Hand warmer?" he suggested, feeling it start to vibrate a bit as well. "Ancient massager maybe."

"Give me that!" Rodney snatched it from him but from the look on his face, it went back to being a dud. "What was it doing?"

"It got warm and started vibrating," John replied. He reached for his glass of milk and took a long drink. "Think it could be dangerous?"

Rodney glared at him. "I'll let you know when I figure it out. Until then, don't touch it till I say so."

John shrugged. "Fine." He took another bite of sandwich, munched on it then said, "Beckett thinks we might be able to do a test run through the gate in about a month. If I pass inspection." John didn't hide his disappointment about having to wait.

"What's the rush?" Rodney countered, not looking at John as he spoke. In fact he looked everywhere but.

"What do you mean what's the rush?" John countered. He had expected Rodney to be at least a little bit excited about going back out to explore.

Rodney sighed and stopped eating, and his face looked a bit pinched. "It's safe here," he stated. "I'm not sure I want to go back out. I have plenty of work to do on Atlantis with the things people bring me and just keeping the place up and running smoothly."

John realized that Rodney was reacting to his fear of being stuck in a near death scenario again. "You have to get back on the horse," he said softly.

"Why?" Rodney snapped, and his eyes glittered with anger. "Why do I have to go back out there? I'm needed here in Atlantis!"

"Yes, you are," John allowed, and wasn't that a sticky point. Because Rodney was needed here, and he was able to do his job even if he never went off world. By contrast, John felt like he was useless if he couldn't step through the gate. But at the same time, he knew that Rodney loved exploring new worlds and making new discoveries first hand. "But once you go back out there, you'll be okay."

Rodney shook his head. "Don't count on it, Colonel!" He looked like he had more to say but his radio caught his attention. He tapped his ear and snarled. "Yes?"

Zelenka's voice came through. "We need you on level six, Rodney. There is malfunction of sort."

"What kind of malfunction?" Rodney countered.

"Kind I have not seen before," Zelenka replied, sounding exasperated. "Are you coming or not?"

Rodney made a face but replied. "Yes, yes. I'll be right there." He tapped off and made to head out but stopped to look at John. "Sorry...I have to go," he blurted out.

John nodded. "I heard. Talk to you later." He watched Rodney force a smile before hurrying out. But they needed to talk about this. He hadn't expected Rodney to feel this way, but maybe he should have. Heaving a sigh, John collected the untouched food and dumped it into the garbage. He then left the lab to return the tray to the messhall. After that it would be time for his session with Kate. Mandatory weekly sessions for six months, which John hated. But today he was almost glad today was the day for this week. He finally had something he wanted to talk about.

Rodney.

THE END...of part 27