SILENT SACRIFICE...part 28

John knocked on Kate's door, right on time. He made it a point to be exactly on time. Never early, never late, but on time to almost the second. Why he was being so anal about it, he wasn't sure, but it had almost become a game he played with himself, although Kate had commented on it a few weeks ago and had seemed amused.

"Right on time," Kate drawled, ushering John in.

"I'd hate to be late," John replied, even though they both knew he hated being here. "Having a good day?" he asked, before pacing his way over to the window. Then pacing back. He normally made it a point to sit still so she couldn't read his mood by his body language, but he felt too anxious to be stationary today.

Kate closed the door then turned to watch him, folding her arms over her chest. "Had better days," she allowed. "You?"

John shrugged, then paced over to her desk. "Had worse." And what an understatement that was.

"How did your check up go?" Kate prompted.

"Fine." John paced back over to the window and made himself stand there a moment, staring out at the view without really looking at it.

Kate let a beat of silence fall, then she said, "You look tense." Leaving it open for him to interpret what reaction to give.

John huffed a sigh and paced around the couch. He didn't respond to her comment, instead he asked a question. "Did you have to sign off on me running Atlantis while Elizabeth is away?" Not that he didn't already know what her answer was going to be, but he wanted to hear her say it. If only because he was feeling a bit ornery today. Not anxious so much as restless and a bit unsettled, and he could lay the blame for that squarely on Rodney's shoulders.

"I did," Kate allowed. "Which I'm sure you figured out."

"Yeah." John nodded, then made himself stop behind the couch for a moment. "So you think I'm ready for this? To run Atlantis?"

Kate smiled then nodded. "I wouldn't have signed off on it if I didn't."

John let a soft sigh of frustration escape him. "It's a test though...right?" They both knew it was and John wasn't really sure how he felt about that.

"I suppose it is in a way." Kate moved to sit on the arm of the couch, her eyes locked on his face. "Do you feel you're ready for this, Colonel?"

"I'm ready to do something," he countered, and he was off and pacing again. "I'm tired of feeling useless."

Kate watched him with a frown on her face. "Why do you feel useless?"

He almost snorted in disbelief, but then he waved a hand at her, dismissing the topic. "Doesn't matter. There's something I want to talk about."

"Really?" Kate couldn't hide her surprise, but then she schooled her features back to a benign expression before asking, "And what would that be?"

"Rodney." John was almost pleased by the fact that he had surprised her again. Her eyes went wide and she shifted on the couch arm. "We talked about going back through the gate today," John continued, before she tried to tell him that the topic was taboo because of confidentially reasons or some such bullshit. He knew damn well that Rodney talked to her about him and Ronon. Rodney had said as much during lunch once.

Understanding seemed to dawn and Kate nodded. "I know Dr. Beckett has mentioned he might let you off world in a few weeks."

John grimaced. "In a month, maybe," he clarified. "But that's not the issue. The issue is that Rodney told me he doesn't want to go."

"And that surprises you?" Kate didn't seem the least bit surprised herself.

"Hell yeah!" John felt a bit angry at her reaction. She should have been as surprised and upset about it as he was. To that end he started pacing again.

Kate watched him for a time, as if waiting for him to say more. When he didn't she prompted, "Why does it surprise you?"

John considered the question and realized he hadn't figured that part out yet. "I don't know why," he responded. "It just does."

"Maybe he's afraid to go out there," Kate suggested.

"Ya think?" John's tone was sharper than he intended and he regretted taking attitude with Kate the moment it was out there. He knew she wasn't the enemy. "Sorry," he apologized. "I know Rodney's afraid, who wouldn't be? But the point is that he's going to have to face that fear and the sooner the better."

Kate was quiet for a moment, looking contemplative. "You've changed you know. All of you have."

John sighed, running a hand over his face. He knew that better than anyone. "What's your point?" he prompted. Because he knew damn well she had one and he was pretty sure he wasn't going to like it.

"I don't have a point to make, Colonel," Kate countered, her tone soft but serious. "I have an observation to offer you." When he gestured for her to continue she said, "It would be very easy for you to let yourself believe that if you get back out there, then everything will go back to the way it used to be. But nothing can go back to the way it was. You can't go back to being who you were before the incident in the cave happened. It's changed you forever. And not just you but Rodney and Ronon. It's changed the people who are your friends and co-workers as well."

"I know everything's changed," John replied, working hard to keep himself from snapping at her. He was angry at her because she had no right to judge him. She had no understanding of him at all. Locking eyes with Kate, John stated, "You've read my file, Doc. You know what I've been through in my career. Everything that's happened to me has changed me in some way. Sometimes for the better, sometimes not. I've always tried to learn something from it either way. I've tried to become stronger because of it." He knew he hadn't done so well in this instance, and that he had come close to giving up. But in the end he hadn't and he was becoming stronger, even if it was taking longer than he liked.

Kate nodded. "I know that you've learned to adjust to the changes, Colonel, and it's impressive on many levels. But Rodney isn't you. He doesn't share your history, or your ability to deal with change. You have to allow him his fears, and you need to be patient and to accept the fact that he might not want to go back through the gate. You can't punish him for feeling what he feels."

Anger at her words and their implication, rippled through John like wild fire. "Punish him?" he snarled, glaring at Kate. "Is that what you think I'd do?"

"To be honest, Colonel...I don't know you well enough to even guess what you might do," Kate confessed. "You don't let me in so I can get to know you."

"You say that like it's a bad thing." John felt bile climbing up his throat because right now he was so angry it was making him sick. He started pacing again, modulating his breathing to try and calm himself. He was letting Kate see too much by his very reactions.

Kate watched him pace, revealing nothing by the neutral expression on her face. "Why are you afraid to let people know you? You never let anyone get close. Are you afraid of being hurt?"

John had spent a lifetime keeping people at bay, and Kate wasn't about to get past his walls. Nor was he going to explain his reasons to her. He doubted she would understand them anyway. She had lived a very sheltered life in comparison to his own. John wasn't trying to judge her, but he knew it made them too different to ever really understand where the other was coming from. "I like my privacy," he stated. "That's not a crime."

"No, it's not," Kate allowed. "But don't you get lonely?"

"I have friends and relationships," John shot back. He stopped pacing and locked eyes with her. "I just don't feel the need to put myself on display. At least not any more than I have too. And I've been on display a lot since I got to Atlantis. Everything changed for me the moment I got here. I think I have a right to deal with things in my own way."

With a nod and a rather sad smile, Kate changed the subject back to Rodney. "I would ask that you not push Dr. McKay about going back through the gate. Give him time to deal with his fears in his own way."

John had to concede her points for throwing his own words back at him. "Fair enough," he allowed. Glancing at his watch he saw there was still ten minutes of session time, but he'd had enough for today. "Mind if we wrap this up now?"

"That's fine." Kate glanced at her own watch then moved to her desk to scribble something down on a note pad. "I'll see you next week, Colonel."

"Yeah, see you." John gave her a rather forced smile then he headed for the door. He felt wound up and he needed some kind of release. Thankfully, it was almost time for his sparring lesson with Teyla. By the time he changed and walked all the way to the gym, he knew she would be ready for him.

As expected, by the time John got to the gym, Teyla was waiting for him. She greeted him with a smile then gestured for him to join her on the floor. He did so, moving with more grace than he had in a while, and they began stretching exercises.

Focusing on his movements and his body's reactions, John said nothing for about fifteen minutes. Teyla echoed his silence and, as always between them, it was companionable and comfortable. But then it was time to get on his feet and do a bit of stick work. John grabbed his out of his gym bag and flexed his right hand a bit before getting into position. Teyla would only teach him moves for him to follow, and they connected sticks almost as if doing a dance rather than putting any power into it the way John would have preferred, but just being in motion would help him curb his anxiety a bit.

"Ready?" Teyla asked, locking eyes with John.

"Ready," he replied. Then they began. Mirroring Teyla's moves were easy at first. She always started with a familiar routine, but after a time she changed things, only showing him two or three times before expecting him to learn it. The focus challenged John and he was grateful for it. He was also pretty damn proud of himself by the time Teyla signaled that it was time to start.

Before today he hadn't been able to go the whole session holding the stick in his right hand. It ached a bit right now, but his grip was still firm and that was definitely a step in the right direction. His body felt stretched and there was a slight burn in his muscles which made John feel like he had accomplished something. All in all he felt good and far less angry than when he had entered the room. "Good session, thank you," he said, before bending his head so they could touch foreheads. It was the way they ended all of their sessions.

Teyla smiled. "You are most welcome, John. You have come a long way in a short time. I am proud of you."

"Thanks." Her words meant more to John than he was willing to convey, but he had a feeling Teyla knew that and he was glad when she simply said it then let it go. Of everyone on Atlantis, sometimes he felt that she understood him best. And in a way that didn't feel invasive. She was definitely wise beyond her years and John considered her a good friend. Which made him think about Kate's comments, which made him feel a flare of irritation that he quickly smothered.

"How did your check in with Dr. Beckett go?" Teyla asked, as she tossed John his towel.

He wiped his face then reached for his water bottle. After a few gulps he replied, "I gained a pound." He knew she was interested in keeping tabs on his recovery and he wouldn't begrudge her that.

Teyla looked pleased. "It won't be long before you are back to fighting weight."

"Any suggestions on how I can gain ten pounds in a month?" John countered. At her puzzled look he explained. "Beckett said he might let me make a test run through the gate in a month. But part of the condition is me gaining ten pounds."

"We will work on it together," Teyla promised.

John believed her and thanked her, then he blurted out something he hadn't intended to address. "Rodney doesn't want to go through the gate again."

Teyla looked shocked at his words, her eyes going wide as she faced him. "He said that?"

"Today at lunch, when I told him Beckett might okay a test run mission in a month." John wanted to smack himself for bringing it up, but at the same time he wanted to talk about it with someone who might understand how he felt about it. Or maybe someone who could explain what Rodney was feeling. Teyla seemed the person most likely to be able to do both.

"He might be ready by then," Teyla countered, although she didn't look like she believed her own words.

John sighed. "I know he's scared, but he's always been scared." It was an opening for Teyla to jump in and tell him what he wanted to hear.

But she was silent for a long time, then she said softly, "If it is meant to be, Rodney will be ready when the time comes."

"But what if he isn't ready?" John didn't want to know the answer to that, even though it was too late to take back the question. So he steeled himself for Teyla's reply.

"Then we must respect his choice," Teyla said, her eyes looking deep into John's, trying to convey her sincerity. She meant what she said with every fiber of her being.

John forced a smile and gave a slight nod. "Guess so," he drawled, but he felt unsettled again. He couldn't imagine going back through the gate without Rodney. Only now he was beginning to wonder if that was his weakness or McKay's. Ultimately it wasn't something he wanted to deal with right now, so he gathered his things and asked, "Same time tomorrow?"

Teyla smiled but shook her head. "I will be off to Ylia with Elizabeth tomorrow."

"Right." It bothered John that he had forgotten all about that. And, of course Teyla would know about the trip since she was going. "When you get back then." When Teyla nodded John gave her a wave then headed for the door. He returned to his room and took a long shower, letting the hot water ease the slight ache out of his muscles. Once he'd dried off and dressed in jeans and a pullover, he pulled on the ace bandage brace for his hand. He was due for one of his daily snacks, which translated to a can of ensure. John grabbed one from his dresser and popped it open, chugging half of it down just to get rid of it. Then he powered up his lap top. Time to get to get back to work.

Two hours later John glanced at his watch. It was supper time. He wasn't hungry but he knew he had to eat so he made a trip to the messhall for a sandwich and a glass of milk. He took them back to his room but only managed to down half the sandwich. He did finish the milk though, then he brushed his teeth and settled himself on his bed with a book. He'd given up on War and Peace ages ago. Thank goodness for the Daedalus bringing them care packages from Earth on every run they made to Atlantis.

But the book couldn't hold his interest so John got up and went for a walk. He ended up on the balcony closest to his room and he sat there and watched the sun set. He was still there an hour later, feeling less restless and unsettled and tired enough to head for bed.

Back in his room he shucked down to boxers, leaving his pullover on, then he crawled under the blankets. He managed to doze off and on, but he was up pretty early the next, trying to obliterate from his mind the images of his one and only dream. Scrubbing the cold sweat off his face with a shaky hand, John couldn't help but relive the detailed dream. It had felt so real. He and his team had finally gone back through the gate only to meet up with some bad guys and Rodney had been shot through the heart, dying instantly. John could still see the image of himself, kneeling beside Rodney and covered in the scientist's blood.

"Shit!" John cursed, pushing to his feet and heading for the shower. He couldn't wash away the images, but he felt more focused and therefore he could detach himself from them better. He hadn't been plagued by nightmares for over a week, and now this. But he refused to see it as a setback. It was nothing more than his subconscious mind mingling what John knew had to be Rodney's fears with his own.

He couldn't worry about that today. Elizabeth would be leaving soon and he had to be ready to take charge. He had just finished getting dressed when Elizabeth radioed that there was a department head meeting in the conference room in one hour. John knew it would be to tell everyone about her trip. He told her he'd be there with bells on, then he headed out the door to the messhall.

Breakfast didn't go down easy, but John made himself eat. It wasn't one of his scheduled days to run with Ronon, but the big guy did find him at a corner table and joined him. They chatted till it was time for the meeting. Ronon wasn't head of a department, but John knew the big guy and Teyla would have been invited to the meeting as part of his team. Plus Teyla was going with Elizabeth.

Everyone else was there when they entered the Conference room and Elizabeth got straight to the point. The only person who didn't seem to know about the trip was Rodney, and he didn't seem that surprised. If anything he seemed distracted and John made a mental note to himself to talk to Rodney about it later.

Elizabeth then handed over the keys to Atlantis, in a figurative sense, then she did manage to shock everyone by announcing she was leaving in five minutes. It was only then that John noticed she had a backpack beside her chair, as did Teyla. With a smile Elizabeth dismissed everyone, but turned to John. "Ready?" she asked, a warm smile on her face. She looked excited, like a kid on Christmas day.

"I think so," John replied. He was just now realizing how much she needed this and he was glad he could help make it happen. He was also savvy to the fact that everyone was looking at it as something positive for him as well. A test for both sides, so to speak. "Have fun."

"I intend too. I left notes for you on my lap top." Elizabeth reached for her pack and hefted it over her shoulders. "Call me if you need me."

John grinned. "Only if absolutely necessary. Between myself and Rodney, I'm pretty sure we can handle things for five days."

Elizabeth nodded. "I'm pretty sure you can too." She headed for the door, calling over her shoulder, "Gonna come see me off?"

"Sure." John had to almost run to catch up with her though. She scurried out the door and down the stairs to where Lt. Cadman and Corporal Levitts were waiting. Levitts was a good soldier, so John felt confidant that Elizabeth would be well taken care of.

"Ready?" Elizabeth said to Teyla and her other companions.

Everyone replied that they were. John moved to them, smiling at the group then nodding. "Enjoy yourselves but be alert. I want everyone back in one piece." They didn't need a repeat of what had happened to himself, Ronon and Rodney. He knew Elizabeth was thinking the same thing by the grim look in her eyes. Wanting to make that look disappear, John stepped over to her and gave her a hug. He felt her start at the contact, but then she was hugging him back fiercely. "Be safe," he whispered.

Easing back, Elizabeth smiled. "I'll do that." Then she was waving to the tech at the controls. "Dial it up," she ordered. They all watched the puddle form then Elizabeth was leading her companions through.

The moment the puddle faded out, John headed for Elizabeth's office. He logged on to her lap top and alternately chuckled and groaned at her instructions. But it was nothing he couldn't handle. In fact he spent a couple of hours going over files before shutting down and heading off to lunch. He found Rodney there and sat down with him.

"I don't want to talk about it," Rodney muttered around a mouthful of sandwich.

"Okay." John didn't pretend not to know what he meant and he would respect Rodney's wishes. For now. "Need me to touch anything for you?" he offered.

Rodney looked surprised. "Really?" At John's nod he grinned. "I have a few things," he allowed. "You free after lunch?"

John smiled. "I'm free unless some emergency pops up." That said they passed the rest of lunch time chatting about various things, both of them staying away from the topic of going through the gate. And, as he promised, John followed Rodney to the lab after lunch and touched a few things then he helped with a few math equations. It made the afternoon pass by swiftly. After making rounds in various areas, John went in search of Ronon and got the Satedan to spar with him. Teyla had to have been teaching him some of the moves she was teaching John, because Ronon would only use those particular moves to fight with him, and he was obviously pulling his strength.

"You went easy on me," John complained, when an hour passed and Ronon made them stop.

"Beckett scares me," Ronon deadpanned.

John chuckled then flicked his towel at him. "Thanks, it helped." He knew Ronon would know what he meant. He needed to push himself more than Beckett and Teyla were willing to allow, but at the same time he knew he couldn't push too far past his limits. Ronon had allowed him to push just far enough.

They parted to shower, but hooked up for supper. After which John did some more work in Elizabeth's office, then he realized he was worn out so he headed for bed. He undressed, crawled in and was instantly asleep. Thankfully, he didn't dream and in the morning he felt rested and eager for the day to begin. Which meant a shower first, then breakfast.

There were a few science issues and one fight amongst the marines to deal with after chow, but John was almost happy for the disruptions. He felt useful again. It was almost midday by the time he settled in to work in Elizabeth's office, and he didn't stop working till Rodney showed up to take him away for lunch.

The rest of the day slid by quickly and John was just getting ready to head off for supper when the gate activated. "Who is it?" he shouted to the tech on duty as he ran out of the office.

"Lt. Cadman's IDC, sir!"

"Let her in," John ordered, heading for the stairs. They weren't due back, nor were they scheduled for a check in, so John knew something had to have happened. Gut instinct told him it was something bad. He wasn't wrong. Cadman came stumbling through the gate, falling to her knees as he reached her. There was blood staining the shoulder of her jacket. "What happened?" John demanded, as he knelt beside her and offered support.

Cadman was panting, her face white with pain, but she gritted her teeth to report. "We were attacked and Corporal Levitts was killed."

John was not happy to hear that. Before Cadman could continue he shouted for someone to call Beckett and a med team to the Gate room. Then he locked eyes with Cadman. "What about Teyla and Elizabeth?"

"Taken, sir. I got separated from them and injured." She looked apologetic as she continued. "I figured the best thing to do was return to Atlantis for reinforcements."

"You did the right thing," John replied, feeling himself detach from his emotions. He had to slide into soldier mode now.

Just then the med team arrived, with Beckett leading the way. The Scotsman turned pale to see Cadman crumpled in John's arms, bleeding. He moved to her side in a heartbeat, easing her away from John.

Leaving Beckett to do his job, John prepared himself to do his. He tapped his radio. "Major Lorne, I need you to ready a strike force to leave in one hour. You'll take Jumper 3 and be in stealth mode. Meet me in Weir's office in ten minutes for a briefing."

"Yes, Sir," Lorne replied.

John tapped off, turning away from Beckett and heading for the stairs.

Ronon intercepted him. No surprise that he was there. No doubt he had sensed trouble. "I'm going with Lorne." It was a statement, not a request. Before John could respond he added, "I'm the best tracker you have."

"I know." John had already planned on letting Ronon go, even as he wished like hell he could go with them. But he knew his place was here. "Get ready." He watched Ronon run off then he made his way to Weir's office. He fielded a call from Rodney, explaining what he knew, then Lorne and Ronon showed up and John told them to go to Ylia, find Elizabeth and Teyla and bring them home. Simple enough instructions to follow. He knew he didn't have to say more. Both men knew what needed to be done and John trusted them to do it. He waved them off but didn't watch them go through the gate.

Instead he sat behind Elizabeth's desk, resisting the urge to run after them. It wasn't until the gate shut down again and they were gone that he was able to release the white-knuckled grip he had on the edge of the desk. He had to flex his right hand to relieve the tension. Tapping his radio John called the infirmary to get an update on Cadman. He learned she was in surgery and the nurse told him Beckett would call when he had news.

John had just tapped off when everything around him went black. John thought maybe he just had a dizzy spell for a second, but he realized everything was dark and Atlantis had abruptly powered down. He tapped his ear piece, grateful to hear the familiar crackle. "McKay?" John snapped.

"What?" Came the terse reply.

"What the hell is going on?"

There was a moment of silence, then a muffled curse, then Rodney's whispered reply. "I don't know."

Then there was silence once more.

THE END...of part 28