Silent Sacrifice – Chapter 34

Elizabeth paused in the door of the infirmary, glancing around until she saw Rodney and Ronon. Making her way over to them, she sat down beside Rodney. "Rodney, Ronon," she said, acknowledging the men.

Rodney shifted his gaze to the expedition leader, noticing the tired expression Elizabeth wore. "How's everything going in the control room?"

Elizabeth nodded. "Good, thanks to you guys. Dr. Zelenka is helping get everything up and running and so far, all the systems are responding. Carson told me earlier that Teyla has a concussion, but should be fine in a day or two. Is John okay?"

"I think so," said Rodney. "It's hard to tell with him sometimes."

"Yes, I know."

"We could just ask Dr. Beckett," said Ronon, nodding his head toward the doctor's approaching figure.

All three stood and stepped forward to meet Beckett. Beckett smiled, reassuring them even before he began talking.

"Colonel Sheppard is fine. He's mostly just exhausted from whatever he does in that chair. He does have a bump on the head, but it's not serious. We'll probably wake him once or twice just to be certain, but I don't see any sign of serious injury. The main thing we need to do is let him get some well-earned rest."

"Can I see him a minute?" asked Elizabeth.

Carson laughed. "You can when Nick's done with him, as long as you plan on seeing him and not talking to him. We were having trouble keeping him awake long enough to get his clothes changed."

Nick joined them a few minutes later, grinning broadly. "We've got him settled. Don't be surprised if he starts snoring in few minutes. He went to sleep sitting straight up while Kelly was trying to adjust the bed."

Beckett nodded. "Thanks Nick," he said before turning to the others. "Okay, you can look in on him for a minute, but I mean just a minute. Then I want the three of you to get some rest as well. You all look like you're dead on your feet."

Elizabeth crossed her arms and raised one eyebrow. "So, Carson, have you looked in a mirror lately."

Beckett narrowed his eyes at her. "Do you want to see the colonel or not?"

Elizabeth raised her hands defensively as she walked past him. "I'm just saying . . ."

The first thing Elizabeth noticed was how relaxed his features were. John was obviously asleep, his eyes closed and his breathing even. Someone had started an IV, which didn't surprise her since he'd eaten very little in the last few days. She knew Carson had been worrying about the way he was pushing himself, but she also knew that it couldn't be helped.

"He looks so peaceful," she said.

"Aye, that he does," agreed Beckett. "I suspect he's getting the best rest he's had in a while."

"He needs it," said Ronon.

"Now if the nightmares will just stay away," said Rodney thoughtfully.

"I'll keep an eye on him," said Nick. "Now, I think the rest of you need to follow the colonel's example, so get out of here." Nick waved his hand in a shooing motion. "That includes you, Carson. Go on, get out, shoo." Nick smiled when they actually did.

oOo

John rubbed his eyes as he became aware he was awake and hearing the sounds of the infirmary. Opening his eyes, he was content to lay and watch the unrushed, daily activities. He felt relaxed and comfortable, and the current unhurried pace he was witnessing only helped to reinforce the laid back feeling. It was several minutest before anyone noticed he was awake and he enjoyed the anonymity.

"Colonel Sheppard, how are feeling?" asked Amy as she began to take his pulse.

"Pretty good, actually," he answered honestly. He watched as she finished taking his pulse and moved on to his blood pressure and temperature.

"I'll get Dr. Beckett for you."

"Thanks, Amy. Hey, where's Teyla?" he asked, having noticed the bed she had occupied when he came in was now empty.

"Oh, they dismissed her a while ago."

Sheppard frowned and looked around for his watch. "What time is it? How long have I been in here?"

Amy placed a gently restraining hand on his arm. "Now you just take it easy, Colonel. You've been here almost twenty-one hours, but you've been getting some much needed rest. Be still and I'll get Dr. Beckett for you."

John lay back against the pillows, amazed at how long he'd been asleep. He knew he'd been tired, and not just normal tired, but completely exhausted, even my hair hurts tired. Still, he couldn't believe he'd slept over twenty hours. And then it hit him. He didn't remember having even one nightmare. It had been a deep, resting sleep. He remembered the intense relief he'd felt when they had finished repairing Atlantis, as if someone had lifted a heavy burden from his shoulders.

"Colonel, you're looking much better," said Beckett as he approached Sheppard's bedside. "Amy tells me you're feeling well."

"Yeah," John replied. "I think I feel better than I've felt in a while. I certainly slept long enough."

"Don't fret about that, Colonel. That was the best thing for you." Beckett brought out his pen light, only to have Sheppard cringe.

"Doc, you don't really want to spoil my good mood, do you?"

Beckett sighed in annoyance. "Now, Colonel, I need to check your pupil reactions. They were sluggish earlier and I need to see that you've recovered. You're speech isn't slurred any more, so I expect that you have, but I just need a few seconds to check."

John didn't say anymore or pull away as Beckett performed his penlight routine. "Everything looks fine, Colonel." Beckett slid the light into his pocket and he straightened up.

"So, when can I get rid of this?" he asked as he held up his hand with IV. "And when can I get out of here?"

Beckett smiled as he looked at his watch. "It's already 1700, so I'd like to wait until the morning. I can go ahead and remove the IV, though, and I'll send out for something to eat."

At the mention of food, John's stomach rumbled and he realized what a welcome feeling it was. "That'd be great, Doc, I'm starved."

Beckett raised his eyebrows. "Now that's the best news I've heard in a long time. Just stay put and I'll be back in a minute."

True to his word, Beckett returned a few minutes later and removed the IV. "What about a headache? And be honest with me, colonel."

"No, like I said, I really feel pretty good. I guess I feel a little sluggish and sore, kind of like I wrestled something bigger than me, but nothing really hurts."

Beckett nodded in satisfaction. "Good. We did a scan while you were out, and it looked clear, but I just wanted to check. Your food should be here in a few minutes and I called Elizabeth to let her know you were awake. I'm sure she'll come by in a bit."

"Okay, thanks Carson. Did anyone . . . " John hesitated, wondering if maybe he should have waited and asked Elizabeth.

"Did anyone what?" asked Carson, frowning at Sheppard.

John rubbed the back of his neck a few seconds, stalling as he searched for words. "Do you know if they found out why Gerard killed Helen?" He suddenly felt bad for bringing it up and sad that the nurse was dead.

"Oh, that," said Beckett sadly. "Yes, we did. I went back to check the infirmary records for the last shift she worked. I noticed that Gerard came in right before her shift was over for back pain. That was also the day that Rodney had brought me an Ancient device to check out that he thought was a hand-held medical scanner of some kind. Helen and I had talked about it earlier that day. When I couldn't find it, I had Major Lorne check the stuff Gerard had hidden away in that storage room and it was there."

"Did anyone ask Gerard about it?" asked John.

"We confronted him with what we knew and he admitted that Helen discovered it missing and came to ask him about it after her shift. She had apparently seen him wandering around when she went to get him some medication. He got nervous and killed her. I just wish she had come and told me instead of going to him herself." Beckett shook his head as he stared at the floor.

"Helen could be pretty tough when she wanted to be and I'm sure she never thought he'd kill her over it. Knowing her, she was probably irked at herself for letting him get out of the infirmary with it on her shift."

Beckett smiled a little as he nodded. "Aye, you're probably right about that. I sure am going to miss her." He grinned a little bigger as he looked up at Sheppard. "She was one of the few I could count on to handle you without too much trouble."

Sheppard just waved his hand dismissively. "Don't even go there. I can't get by with anything in this place any more. You have them all trained to be evil tyrants."

"Just who are you calling an evil tyrant?" asked Amy, coming up this Sheppard's bed with a tray of food."

"No one," he said quickly. ""No one at all."

Amy set the tray down and moved the table over John's lap. "I hope not. Now eat every bite of that or I'll have to force feed you. We've got to get some more meat on your bones," she said firmly as she handed him the fork and walked away.

John looked at the tray full of food and then up at Beckett. "See what I mean?"

oOo

"All right, Colonel, everything checks out okay. Headache?" Beckett studied Sheppard, trying to read the man's body language.

John began to swing his feet, hanging off the edge of the bed. "No headache, Carson, I promise. I feel good. Now can I get out of here or what?"

The doctor sighed and crossed his arms. He had to admit, Sheppard really did look relaxed, better than he had in a while. "All right, Colonel. You can go. But let me know if you develop any problems and I want to see you the day after tomorrow."

"You've got it, Doc," said Sheppard cheerfully as he hopped off the bed.

"I'd have thought Rodney would be here, as much as he's hovered over you lately."

John shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know, he's probably still checking the city systems to make sure everything's working. I'll find him after while. Thanks, doc." As John left the infirmary, he was glad that Rodney hadn't shown up. He had something he needed to do, something he'd been craving since he woke up and he needed to do it alone.

John made his way to the chair room, slowing only as he reached his destination and saw the chair. He circled the chair, running his hand lightly across its surface. He needed to talk to Atlantis, to know that she was truly okay. Beckett would be furious if he knew what John was doing, but he needed to do this without an audience. Sitting in the chair, he leaned back as it activated.

The connection was smooth and immediate, with Atlantis reaching out to him like she had in the past. Gone was the pain and concentration requirement of the past few days. Her systems were running smoothly and he felt a warm tingling sensation flush through him, unusual, but not unpleasant. He had the sudden feeling that his peaceful rest of the last couple of days had been Atlantis's doing somehow, and he thanked her. In turn, he was almost sure that she thanked him for finding the device and fixing her. The gentle hum that pulsed through him made him feel like he was truly at home, where he belonged.

oOo

John stepped out onto the balcony to find it already occupied. He hesitated, finding two figures already leaning against the railing. Rodney and Ronon turned to look at him.

"What took you so long?" asked Rodney. "We've been standing here over an hour. Have you ever tried to have an hour of small talk with Ronon?"

John frowned, trying to remember if he had been told to come here or meet them at a particular time. When nothing came to mind, he shook his head. "Rodney . . . I have no idea what you're talking about. I was just released from the infirmary a little over an hour ago."

"Yes, yes, I know, that's why we're out here. I thought this was the first place you'd come. I talked Ronon into waiting for you . . . you know, to offer support and all, and then you never showed."

John grinned, finally understanding the scenario unfolding before him. He strolled over to the railing to stand between the two friends. "Sorry, I had a stop to make first. I had to check up on someone."

Rodney looked confused for a few seconds before snapping his fingers and pointing to Sheppard. "Atlantis." The smug expression he took on was instantly replaced with one of worry. "You sat in the chair. Does Carson know?"

"No, and he isn't going to," said Sheppard sharply. "Look, I just had to check on her, to make sure . . . you know, that she's okay."

Rodney smiled and looked out across the water. "Well, if I'd known, I'd have had you tell her hello for me. Is she okay?"

John leaned his forearms against the railing. "Yeah, she's good. I think she thanked us."

Rodney and Ronon both looked at him, a bit surprised. "Really?" asked Ronon.

John smiled, still able to almost feel the warm, comforting hum of the city as it ran through him, connecting him in a way he knew he could never explain. "Yeah, really."

They stood in companionable silence for several minutes, watching the sunlight reflect off the waves, each drawn to thoughts off everything that had happened the last few months. John finally broke the quiet. "Carson thinks we'll be ready to back through the gate in a few weeks. What do you guys think? Are you ready?"

"I'm past ready," said Ronon, making John smile.

Rodney hesitated for a few moments before turning to his teammates. "I'll be ready. I'll be scared, but ready."

John's eyes widened, having expected the opposite answer. "Really? What changed your mind?"

McKay sighed. "Let's face it, Colonel, we aren't really safe anywhere. We had a killer right here in Atlantis. And then there's the time Kolya and his men invaded." Rodney shuddered at the memory. "If I can face the likes of that, then I can go through the gate again. I'm ready."

John was relieved and patted Rodney on the shoulder. "I'll be ready too," he said simply.

"Do you have any more sessions with Heightmeyer?" asked Ronon.

"Yeah, a few. But she'll clear me when Beckett does," John said confidently.

"How can you be sure?" asked Rodney.

John smiled, shifting his weight to the other leg. "This is going to sound strange, but I'm better now that I've been in a long time. All the disasters and setbacks made me take a hard, long look at who I am and what I've been doing to myself the last few years. I've been able to focus on my place in Atlantis for the first time in a long while, and I know this is home, it's where I belong. I know I still have a ways to go, but . . . I think I may have come to terms with some things, at least as much as I ever can."

Ronon nodded, but didn't make eye contact with the others. "Sometimes that's all you can do, Sheppard. And sometimes, it's enough."

oOo

John leaned back in the chair as he sipped the first cup of real coffee he'd had in several weeks. He grinned at the way Kate was watching him. "What's the matter, never seen a guy drool over his coffee before."

Kate returned his smile. "Yes, but maybe not with quite this much enthusiasm. Just remember, you really shouldn't drink any after noon, just to be safe. How are the nightmares lately?"

"Better," said honestly. "I still have them, but they aren't as intense and not as often. I can usually get back to sleep after twenty or thirty minutes, even after what passes as a bad one any more."

"Why do you think that is?"

John leaned his head back against the chair and propped his feet up on the balcony rail, staring out at the water as he contemplated the question. "I think it's a combination of things," he said slowly. "I lost it there for a while. I really thought . . . I actually wished I had died on that planet. I was so tired, I just didn't think I could do it any more. I think when I hit rock bottom, I finally realized I just couldn't do everything. I can't save everyone. I almost couldn't save myself. Then Ronon and Rodney stood with me, pushing me like I'd pushed them on that planet."

He paused, closing his eyes and just listening to the waves and the breeze for a few minutes, grateful that Kate didn't interrupt. He was still amazed at how easily he seemed to open up to Kate since they'd started meeting on the balcony. Smiling to himself, he decided this would have to stop soon.

"What else?" she finally prompted.

Opening his eyes, he looked across the balcony at her. "Okay, I'll admit it. The sessions have helped, especially the ones with Ronon and Rodney. I can't change the guilt I still feel when I think about what could have happened to them when I left them. If the Wraith had come or some big animal, they'd be dead. But I've also come to accept that if I hadn't left them, we would have all died, and that's a certainty. Talking with them helped me accept that they knew I had to leave them, that they didn't feel abandoned."

"That's something that affects you deeply, isn't it? Being abandoned, I mean."

John looked away from her, back out to the ocean. "Let's just say I've been there and done that. I won't do that to someone else. And that's as much as we're talking about that one."

"You seem more relaxed today than you have in our previous sessions. Dr. Beckett told me that you slept very peacefully while you were in the infirmary the other day. Is there something specific that has made you feel more at ease?"

John chuckled lightly. "You could say that. Atlantis. We connected . . . on a different level than we ever have before when we were trying to fix the city's systems. I went back to check on her after Rodney had finished getting everything back on line. She was . . . magnificent. She just made me feel like I was a part of the city . . . like I was home." John flushed a little, thinking he sounded a bit like a teenager with a crush. "Sorry, I just don't know how to explain it."

Kate smiled and shook her head. "Don't be sorry, not about that. I think it's wonderful that you have that connection. Switching topics, how's the weight thing going? Is eating any easier?"

"I'm getting there. I'm not where Carson wants me to be and I'm not sure I ever will be. I've never been a big eater. Most of the time, I eat because I have to to keep going. I still can't eat a lot at one sitting, so I eat several times a day. I have to be careful what I eat because a lot of stuff still makes me nauseous when I smell or taste it. But I'm getting enough in me that the weight is slowly coming back on." John smiled. "Well, we had a bit of a setback lately, as you know, but Carson admits that wasn't entirely my fault."

Kate nodded. "I know from talking to him, he's been impressed by your progress and attitude lately, especially in light of the recent problems we've had."

John cocked his head and gave his patented lop-sided grin. "You're going to think this is crazy, but I think that actually helped me. I can focus better in a crisis, when there is a specific and important goal to focus on. And it makes me feel . . . needed, like I'm doing something worthwhile. It may have been physically distressing, but mentally, I think it's just what I needed."

"Actually, I don't think that's crazy at all. I think that sounds perfectly logical for you. I would expect something similar for Ronon as well. That's what you two are trained for and that's how you live most of the time. Now Rodney, maybe not so much, at least for the physical challenges."

They both laughed softly as they looked out across the water. After several minutes, John turned back to Kate. "What do you think? Am I gate ready?"

She watched him for a few moments before answering. "Yes, I think you are. That doesn't mean that we're finished, but we can make our sessions fewer and farther apart. I think you're learning to face and deal with your demons a little more aggressively than before."

John emptied his cup. "How long? I admitted that talking to you has helped, but I don't want you to get the idea that I plan on spilling my guts on a regular basis or anything. This is not me, it's not how I do things. This was a means to an end."

"I know that Colonel. And I expect that as soon as I clear you for gate duty, I won't see you or hear from you for a while. And I think you'll be fine with that . . . for a while. But I want you to promise me that when it starts building up again and the nightmares get really bad, that you'll come see me before Caldwell has to threaten you with a trip to Earth."

John looked at the floor sheepishly. "I think that's probably a good idea. I . . . I don't want it to get this bad again."

"Then don't let it. It's up to you to stop it before things go this far." Her tone and expression both softened. "I'll clear you for duty as soon as Carson does. Just have him contact me and I'll let Elizabeth know. In the meantime, I'll see you again next week."

John nodded as he stood and stretched. He turned to her before he left. "Thanks, Kate."

Kate just nodded. "It's what I'm here for." She watched him as he walked through the door into the corridors of Atlantis, grateful they had once again dodged the bullet when it came to losing Sheppard, mentally as well as physically.

TBC

Note: One more chapter to wrap things up.