JULY
Hello. I am five this year. I don't go to school, because Mummy prefers home schooling, whatever that is. All I know is that I have lessons taught by Mummy at home, because she thinks it's more convenient. Don't tell her this, but whenever I see those schoolchildren with their heavy bags lagging behind, waiting for their school buses, I envy.
Don't get me wrong. I love to stay home with her. She loves me, she dotes on me, and she never fails to be there. But I really want to explore the "outside world". But I can't tell Mummy this. No, no. Don't tell her, she will be mad. And when she's mad, it's not good. No good, no good. I have this elder sister called Susan. She first taught me how to write a diary, and I suppose this is the way.
She bought me this lovely book with red patches and chrysanthemums in front, all pasted with such care. This is my first diary entry, but I don't think I can write too often, because Mummy will be suspicious and want to see what I write. I have not learned what dates are, but I have heard of them. Oh well, for now, I shall write in terms of months, and I am proud of myself to be able to memorize the months so quickly. : D. I'm sure Mummy's proud of me too. She has always been.
JULY
Today is seven days after my first entry. I learnt today that one day contains 24 hours and that time is precious. I also learnt the value of money, and Mummy says it makes the world go round. But I don't think so. I don't agree. I don't understand. The coins are round, but they are too small to make the world turn. I don't think I am making sense here. Oh well, I don't like money. I do read very often.
The books talk about how money destroys lives and how people become jealous and greedy just for some things that make the world go round. I don't think it's worth it. Anyway, I also learnt how to convert dollars into cents, and vice-versa. As the days go by, I'm proud of myself. I feel like I have learnt everything there is to learn. I don't care about the world going round.
I'm scared. I have never told you this. Can I call you Isabel? Okay. I will. I feel as if something inside of me keeps beating so fast, and it sounds like thunder. Whenever Mummy is near me, I'm scared. Today, I was slow at remembering how to spell some words. Like, I kept thinking that 'rape' is rayp. But why? Is not rape pronounced as rah-pee? Why is English so strange? But I was scared because Mummy has started caning me. She starts off with a little, and then she makes a sound like thunder, and makes the inside of me become a thunderstorm too.
I'm very scared, I don't know why. I don't understand this, but I'm getting scared of mummy. Isabel, help me pleas. (.
AUGUST
ISABEL,
Only you can understand me now. Mummy said that she will throw you away soon, but I really want to say all these now, and then I'll say bye bye to you. (. Mummy has been weird. Do you know that I'm just a five-year-old boy? But Mummy, she loves to drink. And whenever she gets drunk, she climbs on top of me, and I get more frightened. Then she starts undressing me, and calls me another name. She calls me Seth, and I don't understand.
Every time she becomes another Mummy who I don't know, I don't know what to do. I know it isn't right, because it doesn't feel right at all. She does many things to me, and I even have this strange fear for my life. She touches me everywhere, but she later complains that I don't have what she wants. Is not that good? But, the next time she becomes drunk, she does it all again. It hurts. There was once, she got so violent, she scratched my skin, and it's all blood there. I feel very pain, and hurt inside.
What is Mummy doing to me? (
September
Sorry, I have not been talking to you, Isabel. But you must understand. I cannot talk to you because if Mummy saw these, I will deserve to get caned. She says it's only right for naughty boys to be touched and hit. It is what mothers should rightfully do. I don't know anything, but I don't feel right. But I suppose this must be right, because Mummy knows best.
Oh well. Today I didn't learn much, because Mummy fell sick. I drew a picture by myself. I have been feeling scared. I have. So I drew a big monster that's running to get me, but yet loves me in the end. I don't know why I drew that, but I just drew it. If you wonder why I don't talk about my daddy, it's because I don't have one. Mummy told me that Daddy's a jerk, and that he left her alone for money. You know, that thing that makes the world go round?
Saw a quote that goes "Money is a necessary evil". Whatever that means, I don't know. All I know is that because the world has to go round, my family is broken up.
Today, the sun shone very brightly, and it nearly blinded my eyes. Mummy felt well, but something scary about me happened. When she held my hand, I immediately let go. I don't know why. I felt very scared, when I remembered how her touch felt so pain, and the scars at my back, and how she howled for somebody called Seth. I could see the hurt in her eyes, but she later became silent.
Oh well. Dinner is ready now, I must try to say sorry to Mummy, for causing her pain. And I will get what I deserve, I think.
Dear Isabel,
Mummy says I should spend more time on doing the work she gives me, instead of doing other things, like writing. I don't think I'll be able to talk to you anymore, but I am very happy to have you to listen to me, who deserves the blame for everything, but I am relieved that I always get what I deserve, so that must be fair.
As for Mummy, she has been taking sleeping pills because she cannot go to sleep, for some reason. But just yesterday, she started holding me so tightly to her, I nearly could not breathe. She kept calling out "Seth"," Seth", but I don't understand her. Who is Seth? And why does she mistake me for Seth? I am sure it is not my body, because she doesn't feel that I am good enough, but I don't know what "good enough" means.
When I ask her, "Mummy, why do you touch me?" She always says, it is what bad boys get, and I've always gotten what I deserve, and so that's why I'm getting it from her. But I don't understand why I feel so scared inside, it's like my body gets so heated up and withdrawn, and then everywhere starts to pound.
I don't know. I'm only a five-year-old baby, and I don't understand this world. How can money make the world go round anyway? I don't get it. I don't understand. All I know is that I'm a bad boy, and I deserve it. Mummy's always right. And if you wonder why I call you Isabel, even though I cant have you anymore, I'll tell you why,
That's also Mummy's name.
..But I will always love you Isabel.
Michael