"Get away from me right now or I swear I'll blast your head off…," Vegeta hissed nearly inaudibly. He waited to hear Bulma scamper up the stairs like a frightened rabbit with a wolf at is tail. But he didn't hear a sound, infact, he could actually hear a hint of a giggle. "What the hell do you find so funny!"
"Vegeta, you just peed in your pants. Literally," she took a few steps around him and sat in the chair besides his. "I don't know about Saiyans, but with humans, peeing out of occasion is a sign of fear or intense humiliation."
"Er, well, it's actually quite normal with Saiyans. Such physiological processes aren't associated with emotions. They just happen," Bulma's facial expression remained undaunted. "And in response to your question, no, it has absolutely nothing to do with Yamcha's foolish comment."
"Alright, since Yamcha's comment is out of the picture… Then I guess this whole matter revolves entirely around this," Bulma twirled her thong around her index finger and watched his eyes bulge.
Vegeta's shoulders stiffened then gradually relaxed as he let out a deep sigh. He really had no other choice than to come clean. When he first set foot on this planet, he had no plans of having any remotely romantic contact with humans except, perhaps, for digging someone's heart out of their chest. Okay Vegeta, you're caught, so just admit it and take it like a man.
"Fine.. It might have something to do with what he said..," he spoke slowly and deliberately like a toddler trying to say his first words. He paused then looked Bulma straight in the eye. "Go ahead. Laugh. I know you want to."
In a generally objective aspect, the situation was pretty funny and she did think that laughing would be the most appropriate thing to do at the moment. But Bulma couldn't find it in herself to laugh. She remained silent and expressionless.
"I don't think it's funny. I think Yamcha was a jerk for saying that," she replied. Now it was Vegeta's turn to be shocked.
"…..Really?"
Bulma found it insanely weird to be having such a normal conversation with Vegeta. It was the first time they ever talked without battling each other. So he wasn't just a fighting, eating, annoying alien. He did have feelings beneath that raw-hide exterior of his.
"If he wasn't such a jerk, I'd still be his girlfriend," Vegeta's eyebrows cocked up suddenly at the statement.
"Oh, I had no idea you two weren't together anymore," he cursed himself for seeming so enthused about the revelation. But he did have an idea for some time now. It was hard not to notice such things since they used to be together every waking second of the day. Either he was losing his mind or he actually felt relieved to know they were officially over, at least for now. However, he wasn't going to let Bulma think he was all mushy like soggy rice. "He probably found some girl that didn't whine as much as you."
"Very funny, pee boy," Vegeta cringed at his new nickname. "But you're actually right, he called to cancel on our date saying he was sick, but he was actually at some girl's apartment the whole time."
"Pee boy. How creative," Bulma may only be human, but with her intelligence and impressive entrepreneurship resume, she was slightly superhuman. Plus, he did still need the gravity machine for a few more months. If it'd blow up again, she'd be the only one able to repair it. As much as he wanted not to care, he was a tad bit curious about this break-up business. "I don't see how big a deal it is. Why can't you just be alone? I've been alone all my life and it doesn't bother me one bit."
"But humans are not like Saiyans. Humans have affection, we can't just live our lives fighting and leveling up," feminine liberation took its stand and Bulma was ready to go off any minute.
"How exactly does it affect your life? You can still eat, sleep, do whatever it is you do. It doesn't kill you. I just don't see how having or not having a boyfriend can ruin your life"
"I'll be alright eventually. As for now, it's so hard to go out because I'm afraid that I might just see him with some other girl. I'd feel like such a loser.."
"Loser? You mean to say that it is some sort of a game," Vegeta's interest was now piqued. If this relationship business was indeed some sort of game or competition, it would be the perfect way to retaliate.
Bulma was about to disagree but the intensity of Vegeta's eyes told her not to. He thinks this is some sort of competition or contest, she thought to herself. She was unaware that her eyes had strayed away from his face and were now scanning the rest of his body. She'd never realized it before, but Vegeta was actually pretty good-looking. His face had a boyish ruggedness, slightly tanned from training outside. His eyes were deep and bold, his body need not be described. Instead of delving into a rebound relationship just to get back at Yamcha, Vegeta could act as her boyfriend. But the problem was, would Yamcha believe it? Would anyone believe it?
"Er… Yes, a contest. Humans… We are also very competitive…In.. Searching for mates," her explanation didn't seem to erase the perplexed look on his face. He actually seemed a bit disheartened at the mention of the word 'mate'. Plan B, reverse psychology. "But I'm not forcing you into anything. I mean, winning or losing, who really cares?"
"Wh.. What! I care of course! I can't let that puny human think he's the winner," Vegeta nearly jumped out of his chair in agitation. "Tell me what I have to do, woman!"
………………………………...
"Why do I have to be blindfolded! Can't I see what's going on! It's my hair!"
Bulma didn't think Vegeta would have the least reservation about vanity. This was coming from the man that sweat like a pig after hours of grueling training and didn't even bother to bathe afterwards. Bulma tried every possible hairstyle in her magazine but nothing seemed to compliment Vegeta's strange dual-forehead. She had no choice but to shave it all off.
"Okay, you agreed not to react violently in any way whatsoever. And you want to win, so you said you'd do anything"
"Just take the damn blindfold off or I'll rip it off myself!"
Bulma took a deep breath and pressed a code into her remote. She wasn't foolish enough to use a simple piece of cloth. The opaque-lenses slid off his face and Vegeta screamed at the top of his lungs.
"I'm bald! I look like Krillin! Good God, woman, what have you done to me!", he rubbed his head frantically as he gazed in the mirror.
"Calm down! It's part of the routine. Krillin is bald for a reason. All men must be bald during the courtship process, only when they actually have a girlfriend can they have hair again. That's why Krillin has been bald for years now. "
Vegeta was about to call her a damned liar but it actually made sense. Krillin was bald. So was Piccolo. Gohan was just a kid. He looked into the mirror again and shrugged in defeat.
"But I look like an idiot.."
"No, you don't. You look quite handsome if you ask me," her cheeks reddened at the statement. Vegeta was caught off-guard as well and couldn't think of anything to say except to cough and make his voice crack.
"Okay, now I'll have to give you a new outfit as well. Wait here."
Bulma walked out of the bathroom and down the hall. She returned with a pair of dark-washed jeans and a black muscle tee. In her other hand was a pair of black shoes and grey socks.
"Whose are those, "Vegeta wondered as he scrutinized the garments.
"They're yours. I just bought them once at the mall. I usually do that with all my friends. I never actually knew when your birthday would be but I just wanted to be prepared."
"Oh," was all he could say. He couldn't believe she had gone through that much trouble. Furthermore, he was shocked that she even considered him a friend. True, they lived in the same household, but not once had he considered her a friend. A twinge of guilt struck him.
"Try them on and come out so I can see."
After a few minutes, Vegeta emerged a new person. He looked like a complete stranger. A hot stranger. Bulma couldn't tear her gaze away from him. She was completely awestruck.
"Um…. How do I look?"
"You look… Fine.. Yes.. Nothing wrong at all," she had to snap out of it. This was Vegeta she was looking at, not an actual viable bachelor fresh for the picking. She had a goal in mind and that was to get back at Yamcha. She circled him a few times, nodding in approval, suddenly the phone rang.
"Bulma, dear… I didn't want to believe it but it's true! I'm here at the mall and Yamcha is here with some red-headed tramp," Chi-chi yakked away on the other line. Bulma could hear Gohan complaining about being hungry and Goku joining in unison with him. "You need not fret about him, any man with the audacity to do such a thing is not worth moping over! But I've got to go now! I'm sorry!"
The line cut. She was now drab and out of spirit.
"What's wrong now," she almost forgot that the man speaking to her was Vegeta.
"Chi-chi said she saw Yamcha at the mall with some new girl of his…," Bulma felt the tears well up in her eyes. She didn't want to cry but she couldn't believe Yamcha could do that after his attempts to grab her last night.
"Then we should head over there and start this now," Bulma was amazed with Vegeta's competitiveness. The man wasn't going to give up. If it meant his ego, he was willing to do anything. There he was, bald and in a trendy outfit-so unlike him. She couldn't give up now, he'd find out she'd been lying.
"Alright, just give me a few minutes to get ready," she sniffled and started for her bedroom.
Unfortunately, it didn't take a few minutes. Typical of Bulma, two hours had passed and she still wasn't ready. Vegeta banged on her door incessantly.
"Woman! It's taking you forever! They might not even be at the mall anymore," he yelled and banged but not too hard for fear of breaking the door and seeing something frightening and unknown to him. After a few more bangs, the knob twitched and the door finally opened.
Bulma looked like a princess. Her light blue hair was silky and straight, cascading gently over her shoulders. Her eyelashes looked longer than he'd remembered them to be. Her complexion glowed. Her lips were rouge and supple. The light gold dress she wore clung to all the right places of her body. She seemed to be radiating an invisible aura of perfection.
Vegeta felt light-headed all of a sudden and grasped the edge of the door to keep from falling. His knees felt wobbly and he could barely balance himself. Even in his most fatigued of states, he'd never felt this way. He felt drained but not exhausted. He was in a state of utter and euphoric bliss. He looked at Bulma who happened to be looking somewhere near his crotch. His eyes trailed down to his groin, he yelped in fear. There was a huge bulge protruding from between his legs. He had never remembered seeing anything that big there before.
"Kuso! There's something in my pants," he hurriedly loosened his belt buckle and threw his pants down to the ground. Bulma spun around quickly so as not to see anything. "What is this! It's part of my body! This has never happened to me before!"
Bulma tried hard to fight the urge to turn around and get a glimpse of some Saiyan manhood. Sure, she had seen Goku's but he was a kid at the time. She twisted her body around slowly but Vegeta had already pulled his pants back into place. She sighed then cursed herself for being such a pervert.
"Okay, I guess were both ready then. Ikuyo!"
………………………………...
Footnotes:
Kuso is the Japanese word for 'shit'
Ikuyo is Japanese for 'Let's go"
Yes, I am aware that I can just write it in English, but as much as possible, I'd like to give the story the feel of an actual DBZ episode. Unlike most people, I watched DBZ in Japanese with subtitles. Thus, I'm accustomed to the characters speaking in Japanese. But do not worry, I'll provide translations for whatever words I'll be injecting here and there.