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A Recognised Loss
Part Six
Rose stood at the window of her flat; she lent forward leaning her forehead on the glass of the window as she watched the Doctor and Venetia lying in the grass. Every now and then one of them would raise a hand and point into the sky at another star, they would talk quietly and then a rupture of laughter would break the silence of the night sky. Rose stood with her forehead pressed to the glass as silent tears begun to trickle down her cheeks, then she let out a tortured whisper for only her to hear
'I'm so sorry' she told her little girl as sobs began to choke her and tear at her soul. She managed to pull herself away from the window and lean back against the wall, she slowly slid down it, her head falling into her hands as her body shook with the force of emotion that was riding through her.
'I'm a failure' she whispered to herself, her voice cracking as she remembered the pain her daughter had revealed – a pain that she had never known of – a pain that was far too familiar. She'd failed her daughter – that was the simple truth of the matter, her daughter had been alone, crying into her pillow, praying for her father whilst Rose sat in the living room eating chips thinking about how happy they were. She just didn't know how she could be so deluded – she'd seen that look in her daughters' eyes, that little bit of fear and loneliness hanging the back of her eyes – she'd just never thought anything of it – that was until now.
Rose stood up and walked over to the window to watch them walking back inside, they walked hand in hand their arms swinging high and wildly as Venetias' giggles filled the air shortly joined by the Doctors laughter .The grin that was on Venetias' face was so strong it almost over took Rose – she didn't remember ever seeing her daughter looking so happy – and it stabbed at her heart like a knife.
Rose wiped away her tears as she heard the front door open – she couldn't let Venetia see her like this – she couldn't know the impact her words had upon her. Rose wiped her face but remained in the living room out of sight
'Time to go to bed' she called out in what she hoped was a normal voice – only it wasn't, the Doctor could hear the strain on it as could Venetia. The Doctor sent Venetia into her room to change for bed and the Doctor walked into the living room to see Rose. She stood there, her fair skin marked by red blotches and dried tears, she sniffled and smiled at him – it was her brave smile, he could still recognise that. He slowly walked up to her and gently traced the journey of one of her tears with his finger, the soft touch of his skin made her shiver
'Thank you' he whispered to her 'Thank you for giving me this chance'
She just gave him a half smile, he smiled gently at her before pulling her into his arms for the hug she so obviously needed. Rose clutched at him, burying her head in his neck, her sobs coming back to her every bit as aggressive as before, he gently rubbed her back trying to soothe her
'It's okay' he murmured into her hair as she gently shook in his arms, her breathing was becoming rapid and shallow, he could feel the pain radiating out of her. He gently rocked her as she cried, holding her close trying to warm her with the love in his heart
'I've got you' he promised her, they stood that way for several minutes as Rose began to calm down
'Daddy?' a small voice called out from the hallway. Roses' head snapped up, her broken eyes meeting the Doctors' worried ones.
'Go' she gently told him as she untangled herself from his embrace. He stroked a piece of hair away from her face
'But-' he began, knowing how upset she was
'Please' she begged, her face breaking everything inside of him. He slowly nodded and began to move away from her – first he pressed a kiss to her forehead
'I'll be back soon' he promised her, she just nodded in return 'Then we can talk hmm?' he gently asked her. She nodded and tried to smile as he left the room.
Rose fell heavily into the sofa, closing her eyes to all the pain and memories that were running through her mind.
In Venetias' room the Doctor had tucked Venetia into her bed and sat on the edge holding a story book in his lap.
'Read to me please' she begged him, her eyes bright and hopeful. He smiled down at her and knew in that moment he would never be able to say no to her. He began to read her Winnie the Pooh as her eyelids fell heavy with sleep; she was barely keeping them open to watch the Doctor as he read to her
'If ever there is a tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember' the Doctors' voice became softer as the words of the story became reality, 'You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think – but the most important thing is, even when we're apart, I'll always be with you'
'I'll always be with you Daddy' she promised sleepily, as her eyes began to close
'And I'll always be with you' he whispered to his sleeping daughter. He watched her for a moment then slowly stood up; he put the book on her cabinet and pulled the blankets up around her chin. He lent forward and pressed a kiss to her forehead
'Sweet dreams' he wished her as he began to quietly walk out of the room. Outside of her door the Doctor stopped to think of how true the words he had read to her were – he'd always be with her in her heart, and her in his.
The Doctor slowly walked into the living room to see Rose lying on the sofa, she had closed her eyes and rested her head on the arm of the sofa. He could tell she wasn't sleeping by the sniffles and jerks that her body gave – she slowly opened one eye
'Hey' she whispered with a small smile.
'Hi' he replied as he returned her smile. He walked over to the sofa and sat down after Rose moved into a sitting position – her eyes were wide and troubled.
'What's the matter?' he gently asked her. She paused as though she didn't know what to say, then she bit her lower lip as her shoulders began to tremble. The Doctor moved closer to her and put an arm on her shoulders
'I'm a terrible mother' she whispered heartbroken, she felt that in saying the words they were become true all over again, her eyes began to well as her tears were ready of overflow. The Doctor pulled her against his chest
'No you're not!' he told her confidently
'But I am' she said trying to convince him 'You heard her – she's been so alone, so afraid and I didn't even notice' she whimpered. The Doctor gently stroked her cheek wiping away her tears
'Do you remember being five?' he asked her softly, Rose looked confused but nodded.
'Do you remember missing your Dad and crying over him?' he continued reasoning, Rose nodded again
'And do you remember hating your Mum for it?' he asked. She shook her head at him, he slowly smiled
'See you haven't failed her' he reassured her 'If anyone has it's me for not being here' Rose paused thinking then shook her head at him
'Don't blame yourself' she whispered, pleading him
'Only if you don't blame yourself' he compromised
'But-' she began, he shook his head cutting her off.
'You're a great mother – a fantastic mother' he told her truthfully, she blinked at him unsure
'When she's all grown up and looking back on her childhood she will thank you for it' he promised her. She blinked way her tears and gave him a small smile
'You think?' she asked. He beamed at her
'Yes! And when she's nineteen years old and brings home a nine hundred year alien you will be the best, most understanding mother in the world!' he joked with her – his heart lit up when he saw her smile
'Or I could slap him' she giggled. The Doctor shuddered at the memory of a Tyler slap
'Don't remind me. I had a hand print on my face for days after that!' he recalled in horror, a smile tugging at his lips. She giggled with him for a moment then fell back against his chest as he held her close
'Thank you' she whispered, he wrapped his arms around her and grinned back
'Any time' he promised.
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