I own none of the characters and I don't own shaman king (sadly) P
Hao studied Ren across the low table they were sitting on the floor in front of. Horo, Yoh and Anna were in town. Hao had eaten half his food, but Ren had just poked at it, stared at it. His eyes were swimming with thoughts. Hao could see he had something playing on his mind.
'Ren.' Hao said as though it were a statement. Not asking him anything, not preparing to start a huge speech. Just 'Ren.'
Ren didn't answer.
'You have to eat. You've been eating less and less these days.' Hao looked at him again. He was still just gently poking at his meal. 'How are you going to compete in fights if you're like a skeleton? You'll be killed.'
Hao said this with no emotion. Again, he just stated it. Ren still didn't say anything.
'It's not like me to care, Ren.' Hao said. 'But would you care to tell me what's going on with you?' Ren didn't make any movement or speak.
'I've seen the way you act.' Hao continued, eating some more. 'The way you space out a lot. Spend way too much time on your own. The way you look at Yoh and Amidamaru, then the way you look at Bason…'
Ren slammed his cutlery on the table, startling Hao. He leapt up and strode to the only room in the house he could sit in peace – the bathroom. Simply because it had a lock. After making sure the door was secure, Ren leant against the wall, and allowed himself to slide down it until he was sitting on the cold, hard floor. The ghosts of the house didn't bother him anymore, even if one of them did have an annoying habit of coming out of the toilet.
He closed his eyes. After only a couple of minutes of serenity, there was a firm knock on the door.
'Ren, open the door.' Hao said calmly. He knocked three times again. Ren squeezed his eyes tight shut and touched the small rectangular item he kept in his pocket for comfort in moments of desperation. This, he felt, was a moment of desperation. It was all too much. He wouldn't be that person any more…
'Ren!' Hao's voice was slightly more panicked. This comforted Ren some, knowing that someone would miss him. He took the small object out of his pocket and twiddled it between his fingers.
Ren didn't answer, so Hao took his foot and firmly planted it on the wood of the door. After the third hard kick, the door neatly popped open, as if it hadn't been locked in the first place.
Hao's insides twisted when he saw Ren, sitting against the wall, his knees pulled up to his chest and the old looking razor blade caressing his wrist lightly. Tears were flowing from his brilliant green eyes, clouding them. Ren's eyes paid Hao no more than a second of attention, before he raised the blade and apathetically began to bring it down.
'Ren!' Hao screamed, lunging at him, knocking the blade from his fingers. Only now did Ren show some emotion.
'Hao, stop.' He said anaemically, reaching for the blade that sat, discarded, next the the sink. He didn't seem to actually be crying. He didn't sniff and sob. His voice didn't crack. The tears just kept flowing like two merciless waterfalls.
'Are you insane?' Hao said, placing his foot firmly over the blade so Ren couldn't reach it. He grasped Ren's shoulders and pushed him back against the wall, and stared into his eyes. He took his thumb and wiped the river of tears from Ren's cheeks in vain.
'I might well be insane.' Ren said. He relaxed his muscles. He didn't have the energy to fight Hao off.
'What…why!' Hao asked in awe, staring at the now helpless looking Ren that lay slumped in front of him. He was thin, weak and didn't seem to care. Hao moved into a more comfortable position, which meant leaving the razorblade unattended on the tiles.
'You said so yourself.' Ren said. 'The way I look at Yoh and Amidamaru, then at Bason.' Hao looked puzzled.
'I feel so…guilty.'
'About what?'
'The way I was for so many years…' Ren said, looking as if he was going to space out, but he remained firmly in the bathroom. He looked earnestly at Hao. Locked him in a meaningful stare. 'I can't stand thinking about the way I used to be…the way I treated spirits…like inanimate objects…'
'Listen to yourself.' Hao said, placing a comforting hand on Ren's shoulder. 'The way you used to be. You've changed.'
'It's not just the way I treated spirits.' Ren said, sounding gravely disappointed in himself. 'You have no idea how many people I just ruthlessly killed if they got in my way…and for such trivial reasons.'
Hao was at a loss on how to answer this. In a way, he was right, but Hao wasn't about to say this.
'You've changed, Ren. You know that.' Ren averted his gaze from Hao to the tiles.
'What's to say I won't go back and do it again?' Ren said, sounding fearful of himself. 'I could…snap. I could even snap at you, or the others…'
Hao smiled gently. 'You could never kill me, Ren. Especially in that condition.' He spared a brief glance at Ren's withering body. Ren looked like he couldn't care less. Hao could tell there was only one thought in his mind right now to end all this; suicide. He had to make his friend see that was not the answer. He could harness his anger and channel it into training, or something else positive…
'Ren, please.' Hao said, lightly brushing his neck and face with his hand. 'There are other ways to help you. Don't do this.'
Ren glanced at Hao before looking back to the floor. Hao felt a sensation almost like anger mix with his fear and concern.
'You don't even know real pain.' He hissed at Ren. 'You don't know real emotion. Real pain is…not taking your life. It is very…very different.'
There was a brief silence in which Hao thought Ren would either burst into tears again or get up and walk away to drink some bleach.
'Please.' Hao said, bringing his face slightly closer. Ren looked deep into Hao's eyes for a second, then launched himself across the room and grasped the blade tightly in his fingers again. Hao acted quickly, grabbing Ren's hands and trying to forcibly wrench the blade from them. Ren shook violently and tried to twist away from Hao.
'Ren! Stop it!' Hao's cool and collected voice was completely replaced with one of utter fear. 'Please, Ren! NO!'
Their noses came centimetres from each other, and they shared eye contact once more. They both felt that sickly moment of dread when the hot, sticky liquid trickled down the arms of both of them. Neither loosened their grip. Their hands were still entangled in a strange and painful looking ball with fingers sticking out in seemingly random places, the blade lost somewhere in the middle. Ren's eyes widened in panic as Hao went limp in his arms and fell into his lap. The blood continued to flow in a neat and branching little river from Hao's wrist, continuing down his arm and soaking into both their clothes.
'Hao!' Ren screamed, showing the only real emotion he had showed for a long time. 'Oh God…I'm so sorry!'
'It was an accident, Ren.' Hao managed with a weak smile. 'I was only trying to help you… you must see that…'
Ren vigorously nodded, the tears flowing out once again, more than before. He took his hand and swept the locks of hair from Hao's face, and proceeded to touch his neck tenderly.
Ren suddenly got a rush of emotions all at once; the ones he had been storing away in a dark part of his mind for so long. They all came rushing out at full speed and hit him like a sharp knife in the back.
'No…No…No…' Ren whimpered helplessly, cradling his friend in his arms, the small pool of blood around them.
'Hao…I…No!' He properly cried now, the voice cracking, the helpless snuffling noises. Hao moved in his lap. Ren grasped him and pulled him up closer to his face. Hao's face was surprisingly soft, emotionless apart from a small and kind smile.
'Ren…' Hao said perfectly calmly. 'Tell me the truth.'
'What?' Ren asked, nothing really sinking in except the sight in front of him.
'About everything. Everything you just realised.'
'What?' Ren asked, bewildered and still frantic. 'How did you…?'
'Everything.' Hao said, scanning Ren's face.
'I love you, Hao.' Ren said, the words seeming alien and frightening. He had never felt love before. 'I love you, Hao.' He said again, to reassure himself. 'And if you die right now, I'll die too.' His eyes welled up again with tears. He bent his head down and kissed Hao softly on the lips, finding it hard to take in that he had only just realised his feelings now. What a time to realise you love someone – when they're lying dying in front of you, and it's your fault.
Ren pulled back to break off the kiss, but Hao leant forward, preventing him from doing so. 'Don't spoil it, Ren.' He whispered onto Ren's lips, kissing him gently again. Ren let his hand wander over Hao's face, neck, shoulders and torso. All the wasted time…He was sure he was still crying.
Ren broke the kiss and found Hao smiling that kind smile up at him again. He still hadn't gone cold. Suddenly, he sat up as though he had gained full strength again miraculously. He pulled a long beige length of cloth from his pocked and wiped at his wrist. There was no cut. It was actually a few rather nasty gashes on the base of his palm, missing his wrist my mere centimetres. Missing all the vital veins, but the cuts were big enough to generate that much blood…
Ren fell back against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall, shaking like a kitten in a snowstorm. He watched Hao with no one emotion on his face. It was a mix of awe, confusion, fear, horror and most of all, hidden relief. He felt on the verge of a heart attack.
'You…you're ok…' He spluttered.
'I wouldn't say ok.' Hao said, frowning at his arm and palm. His clean wrist… 'That razor blade of yours got me pretty bad.'
He tightly wrapped the cloth around the cuts and after doing so, looked over at Ren and smiled. An amused smile. A knowing smile. Ren gazed at him, unable to move his eyes. He still felt like he was looking at a ghost.
Hao crawled seductively towards Ren, his smile now seeming cruel. He stroked Ren's face, neck, shoulders and chest. 'Imagine considering sodomising a friend when he's on his deathbed and too weak to react.' Hao said, the grin widening. Ren couldn't help but smile. Hao leant forward so their noses touched lightly. He waited a cruel couple of seconds before kissing Ren on the lips, his mouth slightly ajar. It lasted only a brief moment, before Hao pulled away. The cruel and knowing smile returned.
'That was real pain.' Hao smirked. 'And that was real emotion.'
He stood up and walked away, leaving Ren sitting on the floor, gazing at his reflection in the pool of blood. He picked up the razor blade and scrutinised it. He couldn't inflict the pain he had just felt on Hao. Never. He threw the blade down the toilet.
Heyyyssss! Please review to let me know if you like it! And if there's any Story of the Year fans out there (Senasitara!) You'll notice I used one of my favourite lines from one of their songs (If you die right now, you know that I die too – Until the Day I Die) haha Senasitara our song! P Well…you know the routine from here.
Yamashita Miharu xxx