"98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer. If one fell
down and broke on the ground, 9-" Drake stopped singing. An urgent dilemma
had diverted him from his song. He just realized the one thing that
restricted his singing. "Link, what goes before 98?"
Link was praying thankfulness that Drake stopped. "Huh? Before 98? Everyone knows that," he stated, with a sarcastic smile. "1 goes before 98."
"Oh. Alright then. 1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer. If one fell down and broke on the ground." Drake looked around anxiously. Everyone was waiting for the inevitable end of the song. ".96 bottles of beer on the wall."
"D'oh!" was Links only retort.
Much of the trip back to Hyrule went in this fashion. Except for the parts that didn't. They happened in a different fashion than the one mentioned above. One such example shows itself as the gang finds a dejected hitchhiker hobo by the side of the road.
"Ooh!" Saria cried. "A hitchhiker! Let him in! Let him in!"
"No, Saria. It might be roadside hippie/hobo that will butt-rape us for our shoes," Link explained. "Just cuz we're nice doesn't mean we're stupid."
Malon bit her lip. "We get plenty of hobos at the ranch. They're not all that bad. I mean look at the guy, he looks like he's been through hell!"
"He's a hobo, Malon, he's supposed to look like that."
"Drake, what do you think?"
"38 bottles of beer of the wall, 38 bottles of beer. If one fell down and broke on the ground, 37 bottles of beer on the wall."
"Why do I even ask?"
"C'mon Link, lets pick him up."
"NO, Saria, remember when that one hobo butt-raped you? Why would you want to pick one up?"
"No no no, Link," corrected Saria. "That was a freaky scrub-hiding amusement park beggar hobo. This is a freaky highway-hiding tarmac hippie hobo. Those are the nice kind."
"What the hell? 'Freaky scrub-hiding amusement park beggar hobo'? 'Freaky highway-hiding tarmac hippie hobo'? What's the difference?"
"One hangs out at amusement parks, one hangs out near roads. Simple, really."
"Oh for the love of God! Shut up!"
"Just let him in. He's just a hobo!"
"I will never give in to your ways! No hobo is setting its shoeless feet in my rented Volkswagen van!" Link stated proudly before the engine died. It sputtered to a halt next to the hobo. "None of you will speak of my loss this day, correct? CUZ IF YOU DO, THEN YOU'RE GETTIN' COLD STEEL THROUGH YOUR HEART!"
"Either way Link, you're gonna have to let it in."
"Fine, but if I can get the engine going again, he's out."
Saria reached for the handle. She pulled it open and the hobo surged forward into the vehicle. Out of instinct, Saria ducked and the hobo fell onto Malon. Link burst out laughing. "I told you! Like 50-bajillion times! And you still didn't listen! That's score 1 for elves and zip for ranchgirls!"
Malon's viewpoint, however, was dramatically different. In fact, I, the narrator and author, doubts it needs any explanation at all. But for you imbecilic (stupid) people out there, here it goes. Imagine an unknown hippie hobo jumps into your van and begins to butt-rape you. That's what I thought. Malon began to slam her back up against the van wall to squish the hobo of her back. Apparently he was used to rough sex and this only prodded him on.
Link was laughing. Gannon was hardly breathing with laughter. Saria was having painful flashbacks of her own encounters with the homeless. Drake was the only one left to help. And, ironically, that's who Malon called upon for help. "DRAKE! MOVE YOUR BUTT AND GET THIS THING OFF OF MINE!"
Drake acknowledged that he at least heard her request by quickening the pace of his song. "7bottlesofbeeronthewall, 7bottlesofbeer, ifoneshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 6bottlesofbeeronthewall!"
"DRAKE DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP!"
"6bottlesofbeeronthewall, 6bottlesofbeer, ifoneshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 5bottlesofbeeronthewall!"
"DRAKE!"
"5bottlesofbeeronthewall, 5bottlesofbeer, ifonshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 4bottlesofbeeronthewall!"
"DRAKE! I HOPE YOU GO THROUGH EVERY HELL IMAGINABLE! I'M GETTING DONE UP THE BUTT! HELP ME!" Malon continued to rage in this fashion for another 3 verses.
"1BOTTLEOFBEERONTHEWALL, 1BOTTLEOFBEER! IFONESHOULDFALLDOWNANDBREAKONTHEGROUND, NOBOTTLESOFBEERONTHEWALL!"
Drake paused to take a huge pull of air and then took his time in passing out. When he awoke he pulled out a quarter. Immediately the hobo stopped its rampage. It began to sniff the air like a starving dog in search of a meal. It stopped sniffing when it saw Drake's quarter. Then it started to growl. Drake teased, "Ya want it? Do ya? Do ya? Ya big dumb stankin' street dog? Well, go get it!"
Drake made a fake throw, but the hobo fell for it. It jumped out the window and Saria slammed the door shut. "Gun the engine, Link!"
The engine stuttered then began to run at an odd pace.
"I'm sorry but I had to finish the song you see? You're not pregnant, are you?" Drake asked.
"No Drake, I was butt-raped! Moron! And I appreciate you coming to help at all," Malon said somberly.
Drake began to inspect the ranchgirl. "Was that some kind of recording? Are you wearin a wire or something? That was your voice but that sure as hell isn't something you'd say!"
"What? Have I become so heartless that you don't expect any kind reaction from me? Is that it?" she asked in earnest.
The van went quiet. Link furrowed his brow in thought. Drake sat back in his chair and scratched his head. Saria looked like a vegetable, eyes blank with the effort of thought. Gannon had passed out from laughter from the butt-raping and was now drooling on the floor so he couldn't do much anyway.
It went like this for quite some time. The odd thing was that Malon sat and waited patiently for an answer. She didn't even talk. This of course defied even more of her character that the rest of the gang was pushed into even deeper thought. After about 2 more hours of this she spoke out. "Umm, I was wondering if I was going to get an answer SOMETIME TODAY?!"
That jolted everyone into some form of reality. Saria's eyes came back into focus. Drake came to the horrendous conclusion he had actually been thinking, which of course thrust him into more of it. The shout also woke Gannon up. He arose to see Drake thinking, thought it was a dream, and deducted that one more nap couldn't hurt. And Link, well Link finally remembered he was driving and snapped his hands onto the wheel. They all answered after a slight pause, except for Gannon. "Oh, no reason really. Just dozed off for a minute there."
"That's not really an answer."
"It isn't? Well, that's strange. Back to the drawing board I guess, eh?"
They all fazed out again. Malon decided she wouldn't get anything out of them till morning and began to hum a certain song about beer..?
Link was praying thankfulness that Drake stopped. "Huh? Before 98? Everyone knows that," he stated, with a sarcastic smile. "1 goes before 98."
"Oh. Alright then. 1 bottle of beer on the wall, 1 bottle of beer. If one fell down and broke on the ground." Drake looked around anxiously. Everyone was waiting for the inevitable end of the song. ".96 bottles of beer on the wall."
"D'oh!" was Links only retort.
Much of the trip back to Hyrule went in this fashion. Except for the parts that didn't. They happened in a different fashion than the one mentioned above. One such example shows itself as the gang finds a dejected hitchhiker hobo by the side of the road.
"Ooh!" Saria cried. "A hitchhiker! Let him in! Let him in!"
"No, Saria. It might be roadside hippie/hobo that will butt-rape us for our shoes," Link explained. "Just cuz we're nice doesn't mean we're stupid."
Malon bit her lip. "We get plenty of hobos at the ranch. They're not all that bad. I mean look at the guy, he looks like he's been through hell!"
"He's a hobo, Malon, he's supposed to look like that."
"Drake, what do you think?"
"38 bottles of beer of the wall, 38 bottles of beer. If one fell down and broke on the ground, 37 bottles of beer on the wall."
"Why do I even ask?"
"C'mon Link, lets pick him up."
"NO, Saria, remember when that one hobo butt-raped you? Why would you want to pick one up?"
"No no no, Link," corrected Saria. "That was a freaky scrub-hiding amusement park beggar hobo. This is a freaky highway-hiding tarmac hippie hobo. Those are the nice kind."
"What the hell? 'Freaky scrub-hiding amusement park beggar hobo'? 'Freaky highway-hiding tarmac hippie hobo'? What's the difference?"
"One hangs out at amusement parks, one hangs out near roads. Simple, really."
"Oh for the love of God! Shut up!"
"Just let him in. He's just a hobo!"
"I will never give in to your ways! No hobo is setting its shoeless feet in my rented Volkswagen van!" Link stated proudly before the engine died. It sputtered to a halt next to the hobo. "None of you will speak of my loss this day, correct? CUZ IF YOU DO, THEN YOU'RE GETTIN' COLD STEEL THROUGH YOUR HEART!"
"Either way Link, you're gonna have to let it in."
"Fine, but if I can get the engine going again, he's out."
Saria reached for the handle. She pulled it open and the hobo surged forward into the vehicle. Out of instinct, Saria ducked and the hobo fell onto Malon. Link burst out laughing. "I told you! Like 50-bajillion times! And you still didn't listen! That's score 1 for elves and zip for ranchgirls!"
Malon's viewpoint, however, was dramatically different. In fact, I, the narrator and author, doubts it needs any explanation at all. But for you imbecilic (stupid) people out there, here it goes. Imagine an unknown hippie hobo jumps into your van and begins to butt-rape you. That's what I thought. Malon began to slam her back up against the van wall to squish the hobo of her back. Apparently he was used to rough sex and this only prodded him on.
Link was laughing. Gannon was hardly breathing with laughter. Saria was having painful flashbacks of her own encounters with the homeless. Drake was the only one left to help. And, ironically, that's who Malon called upon for help. "DRAKE! MOVE YOUR BUTT AND GET THIS THING OFF OF MINE!"
Drake acknowledged that he at least heard her request by quickening the pace of his song. "7bottlesofbeeronthewall, 7bottlesofbeer, ifoneshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 6bottlesofbeeronthewall!"
"DRAKE DON'T GIVE ME THAT CRAP!"
"6bottlesofbeeronthewall, 6bottlesofbeer, ifoneshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 5bottlesofbeeronthewall!"
"DRAKE!"
"5bottlesofbeeronthewall, 5bottlesofbeer, ifonshouldfalldownandbreakontheground, 4bottlesofbeeronthewall!"
"DRAKE! I HOPE YOU GO THROUGH EVERY HELL IMAGINABLE! I'M GETTING DONE UP THE BUTT! HELP ME!" Malon continued to rage in this fashion for another 3 verses.
"1BOTTLEOFBEERONTHEWALL, 1BOTTLEOFBEER! IFONESHOULDFALLDOWNANDBREAKONTHEGROUND, NOBOTTLESOFBEERONTHEWALL!"
Drake paused to take a huge pull of air and then took his time in passing out. When he awoke he pulled out a quarter. Immediately the hobo stopped its rampage. It began to sniff the air like a starving dog in search of a meal. It stopped sniffing when it saw Drake's quarter. Then it started to growl. Drake teased, "Ya want it? Do ya? Do ya? Ya big dumb stankin' street dog? Well, go get it!"
Drake made a fake throw, but the hobo fell for it. It jumped out the window and Saria slammed the door shut. "Gun the engine, Link!"
The engine stuttered then began to run at an odd pace.
"I'm sorry but I had to finish the song you see? You're not pregnant, are you?" Drake asked.
"No Drake, I was butt-raped! Moron! And I appreciate you coming to help at all," Malon said somberly.
Drake began to inspect the ranchgirl. "Was that some kind of recording? Are you wearin a wire or something? That was your voice but that sure as hell isn't something you'd say!"
"What? Have I become so heartless that you don't expect any kind reaction from me? Is that it?" she asked in earnest.
The van went quiet. Link furrowed his brow in thought. Drake sat back in his chair and scratched his head. Saria looked like a vegetable, eyes blank with the effort of thought. Gannon had passed out from laughter from the butt-raping and was now drooling on the floor so he couldn't do much anyway.
It went like this for quite some time. The odd thing was that Malon sat and waited patiently for an answer. She didn't even talk. This of course defied even more of her character that the rest of the gang was pushed into even deeper thought. After about 2 more hours of this she spoke out. "Umm, I was wondering if I was going to get an answer SOMETIME TODAY?!"
That jolted everyone into some form of reality. Saria's eyes came back into focus. Drake came to the horrendous conclusion he had actually been thinking, which of course thrust him into more of it. The shout also woke Gannon up. He arose to see Drake thinking, thought it was a dream, and deducted that one more nap couldn't hurt. And Link, well Link finally remembered he was driving and snapped his hands onto the wheel. They all answered after a slight pause, except for Gannon. "Oh, no reason really. Just dozed off for a minute there."
"That's not really an answer."
"It isn't? Well, that's strange. Back to the drawing board I guess, eh?"
They all fazed out again. Malon decided she wouldn't get anything out of them till morning and began to hum a certain song about beer..?