It's not that the drive was boring. In fact, with such a varied group of people as the Zelda cast, it's probably impossible for the drive to have been boring. It's just that it wasn't fun either. Link was more or less dozing off at the wheel, which would've been dangerous if there was a single other car on the road.

There wasn't.

Ganon had contented himself with sleeping, which was good because the likelihood of someone else wanting to talk to him was miniscule. Saria apparently thought this was an appropriate course of action and quickly followed suit. Malon, on the other hand, had found entertainment in observing the other passengers in the vehicle. Ganon was curled up in the fetal position on the floor, cradling a rancid sock in much the same manner a young child holds a stuffed bear…and by the muttering he was doing, Malon deduced that Ganon thought the sock to be one 'Mr. Fuzzykin.'

As amusing as it was to see an evil tyrant sleeping with what he thought to be a stuffed animal, Malon's eyes, in a desperate attempt to find something substantial enough to engage her brain, scanned around the confines of the van. Maybe she'd find an entertaining crossword puzzle jammed under a seat? Or perhaps a peculiar stain whose origin she could speculate? Anything, anything, would be better than looking out upon the barren terrain outside the windows.

Or so she thought. Her eyes came to rest, regrettably, on Drake. He was wearing that particular expression of his…that one that couldn't be summed up by silly trivialities like words. Unfortunately, I (the author) possess no other medium through which to describe this particular look, so it is with words it must be summed up (understand that what I'm about to say should be taken as an extreme understatement).

If it had to be classified, Drake's expression was a grin. An I-enjoy-every-moment-of-you-hating-me-because-there's-not-a-thing-you-can-do-about-it-because-I-don't-physically-exist-yet-but-if-by-some-extraordinary-twist-of-fate-I-did-I'd-probably-run-and-scream-like-a-girl-to-escape-what-would-undoubtedly-be-your-terrifyingly-destructive-wrath….but-as-no-aforementioned-twist-of-fate-has-yet-occurred-I'll-just-stand-here-and-grin kind of grin. It was a horrifyingly difficult expression to master, and served as both a supreme source of pride for Drake and a source of limitless aggravation and irritation for everyone unfortunate enough to engage in conversation with him.

Malon had to do something,­ anything, to wipe that grin off Drake's face. At great personal risk, she decided to start a conversation. "So, Drake," she began rather timidly, "Would you care to share exactly where we're going, or do you even know?"

"Aha. Our destination," he paused, while attempting to look pensive. He failed, looking much more like an idiot, but a charming sort of idiot. Malon found herself smiling, and in panic, she mentally kicked her own ass. "I was thinking, you know, that you guys are pretty cool. I mean, as a LoZ fan, I've been obsessed with you before I ever met you, but now that I have you're all actually a pretty kick-ass group of dudes. And dudetts. I figure I'd treat you guys by bringing you all to my house."

That was an interesting idea. On one hand, it was kind of sweet, to be hospitable enough to admit a gang of relative strangers into one's home. And then again, it was Drake's home…the very bastion of Drake-ness. Scary stuff.

Link, who'd spent quite some time at the wheel by this point, asked the most productive question asked in a very, very long time. "As I'm driving," he said, in a voice so caustic it wiped that indomitable expression off Drake's face, "could I at least know how long it'll take to get there?"

"Ah, well, you won't be driving much longer. We'll be coming up on a rest station, which has a portal, which leads to the main room, which leads to my closet," Drake was obviously expecting some show of gratitude from Link. Instead, he smashed the brakes, waking up all the sleepers. Ganon, who hadn't had a seat-belt, flew out the window flailing like a rag doll.

"WHAT THE HELL?" he bellowed. In his brief experience with these interdimensional portals, they had never once led him into a likeable situation. Run-ins with gigantic sporks, and even worse, these portals had thrust the gang deep into the nightmarish world of children's television. "I though we were DRIVING to your house!"

"Utter nonsense, my house isn't in this dimension," replied Drake, once again sporting a 'grin'. "We're driving to the gas station, then portal jumping to my humble abode."

Link's hands jerked up towards Drake's throat as if to strangle him, but this great rage was held in check by the even greater anguish of Link reminding himself there was nothing he could do to the non-corporeal Drake. Resignedly, Link eased off the brakes. The van chugged along several feet before hitting what sounded like a wet, squishy speed bump. Link peered down out the window and saw what were unmistakably Ganon's feet.

"Malon," he sighed. "Could you please?"

"Right," she replied before opening the door. She hauled Ganon off the road and into the car with the same care and loving attention as a bulldozer prying roadkill off asphalt. She really shouldn't have bothered however; as soon as she returned to her seat Drake pointed at the window towards the gas station.

Mysteriously, the station was several yards behind them.

"Does anyone else find that odd?" asked Link. "I swear that wasn't there 2 minutes ago."

"Then I suppose it's a good thing you didn't swear then, eh?" rasped a recently-conscious Ganondorf.

With his hands casually in his pockets, Drake was strolling over to the gas station. Having no where else to go, and no one else's plan to follow, the rest of the gang followed suit, somewhat less casually. The station was of the typical 'middle-of-nowhere' variety, bland but well maintained. But at the register, trying to pay for turkey jerky with little colored gems, was Durania.

"What?" said the gang in confused unison.

Durania turned around, puzzled. Seeing Link, Saria, Malon, and Ganon, however, he smiled brightly and waved. "Hey guys, what're the odds of you being here?"

Link hardly understood why he was where he happened to be. "But, Durania…how'd you get here?"

"Funny story," began the large Goron, "I was headed to the commode in my house back in Hyrule, but when I got there, instead of water in the bowl there was this shimmering purple….thing. And so I did the only logical thing one can do when faced with a strange and possibly dangerous object."

"That being…?" inquired Saria, gesturing for Durania to continue.

"I tried to eat it," he answered, taken aback. Apparently he thought that's what everyone did when faced with unfamiliar objects.

"Durania!" Saria snapped. "It was in your toilet!"

"It wasn't touching the bowl," corrected Durania. "Anyway, I lost my footing and fell in. I ended up in this huge, huge room, covered in the purple things. So I randomly chose another to taste, but fell through that one too, and ended up here. I was freaking out at first, but then I saw this turkey jerky…it's only 50 cents."

"Whoa," said Link, trying to soak it all in, "you're toilet's big enough to house a portal big enough for you to fall through?"

Unconsciously, everyone's gaze moved to Durania's large and definitely-there gut, even the Goron's himself. In self defense, he shot back, "Look, I have an eating problem, okay? And I need a toilet that can handle my condition."

"That's pretty gross," stated Ganon, still affectionately clutching the unbelievably nasty sock.

"Well, that's enough lollygagging," chided Drake, in a desperate attempt to change the subject. "Let's show you all that portal."

Drake led them towards the restrooms, coming to an abrupt halt in front of the men's bathroom. "It's in the janitor's closet in here," he explained.

"I'm not going in there," asserted Saria.

"What now?" whined Ganon.

"It's the boys' bathroom…" Saria whispered. "It's indecent for me to go in there."

There was once a time that Malon would've agreed with Saria…there was also a time when impossibly large lizards roamed Earth before having the smackdown laid on them from outer space. "Saria," she said, slowly and deliberately, as though Saria wouldn't understand any other way, "None of the events you've participated in these last couple hours have been decent. Look at him." She pointed at Drake, rather accusingly, before continuing, "Everything you've done since you met that guy has been indecent. It'd be awful hypocritical to start caring about decency now, of all times."

"I suppose you're right…" muttered the forest sage. "But it's still awkward."

Drake had an expression of restrained annoyance: he was probably used to verbal abuse. "Thanks for the inspiring pep talk, Malon, but let's get this show going. Durania, you coming with?"

"Uh-huh," grunted Durania, his mouth full of turkey jerky.

Looking rather strange all going in at the same time, the gang filed through the boys' bathroom to the janitorial closet. The girls marveled at the urinals, which they of course had never seen before, but the boys gave them no more attention than one would give a turd on the side of the road while flying down the highway at 85 mph at night in a flashy car, drinking coke, blasting classic rock, and trying to sweet talk the pretty girl in the passenger seat that you picked up at a hip nightclub into taking off her clothes and doing something outrageous. Or, at least, that's the level of attention Drake paid the urinals, but he always liked to think he was flying down the highway at 85 mph at night in a flashy car, drinking coke, blasting classic rock, and trying to sweet talk a pretty girl in the passenger seat that he picked up at a hip nightclub into taking off her clothes and doing something outrageous. He just thought it made life easier to live through.

And there, between a filthy mop and a conspicuously out-of-place box of nudie magazines, was a glowing purple portal. "I'll be rear guard," explained Drake. "Just in case something dangerous happens to come…from the rear. So you all head through and wait for me. It's a bit dangerous to randomly jump through portals; on one hand, you could end up in paradise with golden monkeys attending to your every need, and on the other you could find yourself in a demonic jazz competition wearing an itchy fleece sweater that you accidentally urinated on while being forced to drink sour milk."

The expression the rest of the gang shot in Drake's direction was the physical manifestation of the acronym WTF.

"Don't give me that look," Drake warned. "I'm speaking from experience, ok? Wait for me to come through, because I know the way and you'll be sorry if you try and ditch me through some random portal."

"Why would we ever want to ditch you?" asked Link with such a supreme mastery of sarcasm that an infant microorganism could've detected it.

In reply, Drake pushed him through the portal, before urging everyone else through. When everyone but him had jumped into the swirling purple circle, he used the privacy to peer into the box of nudie magazines. Liking what he saw, he picked up the entire box and finally stepped through. On the other side was a huge, vast, unimaginably big room, with identical portals lining the floor, walls, and ceilings. The room was so large the walls seemed to go on and on and on, eventually merging out of sight seemingly light-years away.

Link must've expected it; when he saw Drake holding the box he merely laughed. Saria looked at him rather distastefully but didn't say anything. Malon raised her eyebrows, and although she didn't say anything, by her look Drake felt as though he had to justify himself.

"They're for a friend of mine," Drake said meekly.

"Sure they are," replied Malon. "Because we all know you have oh-so-many friends."

"Touché, but if you must know, I intend to sell these at insanely bloated prices to desperate young teens. I don't need pornography, thank you very much, if I wanted to I could have you in my pants anytime I pleased," said Drake, matter-of-factly.

Malon had to let her laughter die down before responding. "Are you serious! I wouldn't sleep with you in a million years!"

"I didn't say anything about sleeping, baby," Drake said with a sly grin. "You know I could win you over."

"I would love to see you try," challenged Malon with a fiery look in her eyes.

Quite timidly, Ganon interjected, "Uh, guys? Could you maybe flirt and discuss sex in private? It's kind of a touchy subject for me."

Malon's whole body trembled with rage but she didn't say anything. With a curious expression on his face, Durania picked up a magazine from the box and thumbed through it.

"Human women are so strange. They're so small and fragile looking, I'd be afraid of breaking them," he said casually, as though he were critiquing a neighbor's lawn. Drake glanced at the Goron's bulging muscles, then his large gut, and chose not to argue.

Drake guided the gang in relative silence. Malon was silent but mysteriously not angry, Saria, Ganon, and Durania mumbled amongst themselves while Drake and Link were discussing their mutual hatred of the Water Temple. After a relatively short walk they arrived at a portal no different than any of the other infinite portals in the room, save for a small sticky note plastered to the floor adjacent to it, reading: HOME, Upstairs Guest Bedroom Closet.

"Here we are, home sweet home," Drake grinned. This time, however, he was the first one through. Link followed, ending up in a dark, dirty closet connected to a brighter, but no less messy bedroom. Next came Saria, then Ganon, then Durania. As Malon's hands materialized in the portal Drake politely held them and guided Malon to a relatively clean area in the closet. "There you go, ma'am."

"Very nice, Drake," she said, surprised. Then in a total change of attitude she added, "But it'll take a hell of a lot more than that to get on my good side."

"Woe is me," smiled Drake, anything but woed.

Everyone clambered out of the closet into the room. The bed was moderately large, and unmade. In the mass of folds and wrinkles in the sheets, no one could've guessed what was hiding in them. That's why it was such a shock when Zelda popped out from under the covers in nothing but her underwear.

"Hey guys!" she said enthusiastically. "So, like, what's in the box?"

Before anyone could answer her, or bitchslap her in the face (which was what everyone would've much rather preferred to do), she reached in and grabbed a heap of magazines. After briefly inspecting their contents, she went on, "This is like, some pretty good stuff. I'd so totally be horny off this if I like, wasn't so tired from spending the last, like 4 hours making love in every room of the house.

"YOU DID WHAT?" roared Drake, incredulous. "DAMMIT, WOMAN, THIS IS MY HOUSE!"

Link was laughing because he knew Drake would have to take the time to disinfect his entire house. But he couldn't help but ask: "Zelda, who, in the name of all that's holy, were you making love with?"

"Mido and Ruto," she answered almost instantaneously. "But they're like totally busy acting out one of Mido's like, fantasy things in the bathtub together."

"The master bathroom's bathtub!" asked Drake, voice trembling in fear.

"Like, yeah. Only losers would use any other bathroom but the master bathroom," she screeched, seething with arrogance.

Drake let out an unearthly howl of rage before darting out of the room while bellowing a chain of obscure cursewords. Once he left Zelda got up close to Link, stroking his stomach.

"What'd you say to maybe like, following me back to the bed?" she purred.

Link shrank back in disgust. "How about you follow yourself to hell?"

Zelda turned her attention to Malon. "So…I totally noticed you and Drake holding hands. That's like, totally hot. The two of you should like, come by and see me everyone now and then, like, to talk…and stuff."

"Shut up!" Malon hissed. She'd already ended her statement by the time she realized she made no effort to deny holding Drake's hand.

Zelda, not phased in the slightest by rejection, simply turned towards Ganon, but he wasn't there. Neither was Durania, or Saria, or even Link. They must've fled the room awfully fast while she was distracted. Not even missing a beat, she turned back to Malon and asked, "As long as we're alone in here, want to do anything?"

But to no avail. Malon was already gone.