Five.

Dawn.

I pried my eyes open and looked at the clock beside my bed.

Four P.M.

Yikes. I hadn't meant to sleep this late, but when Mary Anne dropped me off this morning my head was positively pounding. I took four Tylenol P.M. and hoped for the best. At least my head doesn't hurt anymore.

My stomach growled. I haven't eaten since yesterday evening and that ended up in Kristy's toilet.

I stumbled into the bathroom and splashed water on my face. I ran a brush through my hair a few times, gave up, and clipped it up. I brushed my teeth quickly and checked my reflection.

Crap. But slightly more alive.

I made my way to the kitchen rehearsing for the questioning that was about to go on. I threw open the fridge and dug out an avacodo, some swiss cheese, bread, and mayo. Before I could close the door I hear:

"Why have you been sleeping all day?"

I looked at my mother, who was struggling to look nonchalant. Behind the stuggle was pure suspicion. They're right to think the worst about me, but they're so strict. When I turned eighteen I thought I would be free but I was informed that as long as I lived in this house I would abide by the same rules. Home by ten with a few exceptions. No driver's license. Keep the grades up. I could move out, but I worry I could end up.. I don't know, dead? I thought I was done with dope, I really did. For nearly six months I stayed off it, and I thought I was clean. Yeah, I'm still moody all the time but I really thought I could turn it down if the opportunity arose. I was wrong.

I looked my mother square in the eye. "Sorry. We were all up all night. Just talking about the past and stuff. Mary Anne brought me home this morning and went back to Kristy's."

Mom's face relaxed. She thought Mary Anne was a saint. I knew Mary Anne would not tell our parents about what happened, and Mom and Richard will believe anything she says. Mary Anne may not like me very much these days, but we're still loyal when it comes to the sister kind of stuff.

Mom leaves me to make my sandwich. I throw it together quickly and gulp it down at the table. I wonder where Mary Anne is. Still at Kristy's? I think it's a little strange how the four of them seem to have gone back to old ways, good friends like nothing happened. Nobody's really talked about the past and what happened, as far as I know. I'm a little worried they're being a little too nostalgic, that they're going to realize they stopped being friends for a reason and it's going to go off like a bomb. It's why I've been trying to stay away. I don't like the idea of going to Sea City with a group of people I consider former friends for two weeks all that much, but I do like the idea of getting away from Mom and Richard. A lot.

Then again, they all sat in the bathroom with me last night. Maybe they were just curious. Well, Kristy seemed genuinely concerned. And surprisingly knowledgable. I did not know that Kristy had a history with drugs, but it was very obvious to me last night. Maybe I should try talking to her.

I sit at the table when I'm done and I begin to feel it. A little nag in my brain. A slight ache in my neck. Dammit. I wish I hadn't done that last night, I really wish I hadn't. Withdrawl had been the hardest part of the last six months, and it had really started to dull. The need for dope had all but disappeared. The want for it, on the other hand, had never left, but I thought I had it under control. What I did last night, as bad of an experience though it may have been, had awakened the beast, so to speak.

I jumped up from the table and dashed for the phone. I needed to get out. I had to call Mary Anne. Soon I would start tapping my fingers and biting my lip, and Mom and Richard will know, they've seen it at least twenty times.

Mary Anne picked up her cell phone (I didn't get one) after the first ring.

"Where are you?" I asked quickly, not even waiting for her to finish saying "hello."

"At Kristy's." Mild irritation. Not bad.

"Can you come get me?"

Silence.

"Mary Anne, please. I'm... I'm... I need to be around people right now but Mom will know Mary Anne, she'll know. Please."

"Dawn. I've been drinking."

"Please." A little too loud, way too desperate. My eyes welled up with tears. The phone number of my old dealer appeared in my mind.

I heard some shuffling, some muffled voices. Then a new voice. "Dawn?"

"Kristy!" I nearly sobbed her name with gratitude. "Kristy I don't know what you know but I need to be with people right now, good people." The tears spilled over my eyes, and I had lowered my voice to a whisper.

"Don't get yourself in a frenzy." I heard a slight echo. Kristy had taken the phone in the bathoom, it would seem.

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down. It's not that bad of a need yet, just a dull ache. I'm flipping out over what this might turn in to. "Do you know what it's like, Kristy?"

There was a long pause, and a sigh. "Yeah."

I nodded to myself. I knew it. "I won't tell anyone."

"A lot of people know, actually. My old friends, like that guy last night. That's why I really don't have any friends anymore. Besides you guys, now. And Alan. I guess I would rather them not know."

"Well I don't really know any details. It's not like you couldn't deny it even if I did tell someone." I said with a chuckle.

"It's how I like to keep things. Do you feel better yet?"

"A little."

"What are you going to do?" She asked.

I thought about it for a minute. "I honestly don't know."

"Relax. Put on a movie you love, read a book you love, distract yourself. You don't want to come here, Dawn. Your sister stresses you out too much."

I marveled at her insight. "Thanks, Kristy."

"Call me if you need to talk, okay?"

I was a little surprised to find myself able to make it through the day. I did what Kristy suggested and watched a few DVD's, I played on the computer a little, I even played with make-up. I tried not to think about it.

Mary Anne came home around nine. I met her in the hall. She passed me wordlessly and I followed her into her room.

"I wanted to say thank you." I said quietly.

Mary Anne made an agitated noise, but didn't say anything.

"I know we don't get along very well," I continued, "but thank you for still being my sister."

"Sure, Dawn. And thank you for ruining the party for everyone. Thanks for being a drug addict. Thanks for making our family look like shit." Mary Anne practically snarled.

I stood, wide-eyed, not believing what she had just said. I almost expected her to laugh and say "just kidding!"

She turned her back to me and opened her closet.

My eyes filled with tears. I retreated into the hall numbly. I grabbed my purse from my room. Next thing I know I'm standing outside in the dark in front of a house. I'm a little bit surprised to find that it's the house of Aaron Barkley. Aaron is my dealer.

I stood there, with my hands in my pockets, cursing myself. Weak. Am I really this weak? My God. My sister says something mean and I go running to drugs. How pathetic. I am not a weak person... or perhaps I mean I did not used to be. I don't know when it changed. I tried meth for the first time over two years ago at a party with Sunny Winslow. It's not like it's hard to come by. Cocaine is more common in the Orange County school system, but Sunny had tried both and prefered meth. I had changed for good that night... but it was before that that I started to change. The old Dawn would never do such an awful thing to her body.

Sunny. I hadn't spoken to her in months. Last I heard she's been accepted to UCLA. She'd never gone as deep as I did with drugs. She was a recreational user and I, for some reason, could not stop.

Can not stop.

I'm on Aaron's porch now.

Aaron's 28, and basically a nice guy. He has a nice house. It's not a meth lab or anything. He just sells it. Six months ago I told Aaron to never sell to me again. He had sort of laughed and told me good luck. He'd never said he wouldn't.

I rang the bell, my heart thumping in my chest. Would he turn me down? What if he doesn't live here anymore? What if there are cops here? What if...

The door opened, and there he was. He smiled a little. "Hey Dawn."

"Hey." I said, not moving.

"Is everything okay?"

"Not really."

I detected a hint of of sadness on his face, but he moved aside and gestured for me to come in anyway. "It's okay, babe. I'll get you there."

I felt glued to the spot I was in. Am I really going to do this? After all this time? Mary Anne had called me a drug addict. Might as well do what's expected of me, right?

I walked into the house, wondering about my sanity. That logic. Might as well do it if I'm expected to. It makes sense to me in a way. Am I crazy?

Aaron shuts the door behind me, sliding the deadbolt into place. The sound is like a shot. I almost turn and run.

Almost.

I am weak.

I am a drug addict.

I stay.