Chapter Eight - Just Friends. Or not?
Chapter Song: Snow Patrol - Hands Open
Lily tossed and turned until she could find a comfortable spot. Too bad she couldn't.
"Can't sleep either, huh?" James asked from the other side of the bed. "Lumos."
The brightness hurt Lily's eye for a second but as James put down his wand as a barrier between them and as a light, she slowly turned towards James who was learning on a propped up pillow. "Guilty. You?"
"Me neither. I don't know why. I just am. Sometimes I think I suffer from insomnia," James said.
Lily nodded. "I know what you mean. Sometimes I stay up all night just finishing my homework. Or writing."
"I do that sometimes, too," James laughed. "But other times, I just can't sleep, no matter how long I stare off into darkness. What do you write?"
"Mostly in my journal," Lily replied. "How my day went, little things. You have a journal too?"
"Yes, but sometimes I write... poems," James finished lamely, looking a little embarassed.
Lily laughed. She never pictured James as a poet. "Poems? That's... random."
"It helps. I usually fall asleep writing. It's... soothing." James said.
Lily nodded. "It is."
"I've tried everything else. Milk, St. John's wort... everything."
"Me too. But I can fall asleep sometimes."
"Yeah, I need to too. Sometimes I just drink a sleeping potion if I have a Quidditch game. But I don't want to become dependent on them."
"Same here. I've seen what it does to the most normal people."
"Yeah. It's hard though. I mean, for me, even counting sheep or cows doesn't help, really," James continued, furrowing his eyebrows in realization. "Damn, maybe I need to be psychoanalyzed or something... therapy, I think. A psychologist. A good couple thousand galleons to find out what my problem is."
Lily laughed. "Maybe. You never know."
"Psychology is bullshit."
"Perhaps."
"They just get paid to sit there to listen people whine about their problems."
"It's a rip-off, really. Friends do that for free."
James laughed. "That's true. We probably all owe each other thousands if we were all psychologists."
"That'd be an interesting world."
There was a pause.
An awkward pause.
"James," Lily said, interrupting his train of thought.
He snapped out of it and looked up. "Yes?"
"Are we ever going to talk about... well, you know?" Lily questioned awkardly as she looked down. She fumbled with the the corner of her pillow, running her fingers along the seams.
"About what?" James replied.
"You know," Lily said rather strainedly.
"No, I really don't. Please, feel free to fill me in, though."
"About what happened in the bathroom. Our bathroom."
No answer.
"The kiss," Lily whispered.
James laughed. "I actually did know what you were talking about, but it was so funny to have you come out and say it. I just couldn't help myself. Sorry."
Lily groaned. "Shut up, James. Let's just talk about it."
"All right. What is there to talk about? It was just a kiss." James shrugged.
"So you didn't feel anything?" Lily asked, dead-panned.
"It was weird how we're the Head Students, I guess. We're supposed to be setting the example."
"I agree. But it's not like we're romantically involved." Lily stared at the ceiling.
James was facing Lily now as he rested his head on his fist. "Would that be a different story, then?"
Lily shook her head and gave James a long look. "That'd be our business. Look, I just want to be friends, James. Let's try to do that, shall we?"
The words rung in Lily's ears. I just want to be friends, James. Was that really what she wanted?
James looked hesitant and looked down, circling the design on his sheets with his pointer finger. "If that's what you want, Lily, fine. We can be friends. That'd be perfectly fine." He knew it was a complete lie, but Lily had just told him very firmly that they were to be friends. He didn't want to push her or make her do anything she didn't want to do.
"Friends," James said firmly, nodding his head.
Lily shot James a small smile. Isn't this what she wanted?
If it was, why did she feel so empty inside?
Ignoring her feelings, she pulled the sheets over her body. "Night, James."
James put his wand away as he softly said, "Goodnight, Lily."
- - - - -
The next thing Lily knew, it was Monday morning.
Lily quickly sat up and noticed it was rather bright outside--morning.
She didn't have her clothes with her... and she was still sleeping in James's room.
She quickly looked to her left and checked the time--it was already eight.
"James!" Lily shrieked, turning to her right and shaking James as hard as she could. "It's already eight! Get up!"
James was quite deep in sleep before Lily screamed at him to wake up, and even after that, he was still asleep. What Lily didn't know that her friend James was quite the deep sleeper.
They day, they were late for their classes. It was a rough day for Lily.
That afternoon when her classes were all over and her homework was finished, Lily quickly rushed up to the Owlery, since she hadn't checked her mail in a week. There were several Daily Prophets, a few bills for magazine subscriptions along with her new issue of Teen Witch (finally!), and interestingly enough, a letter from her sister.
Lily-
Mom passed away two days ago due to a car accident. I wasn't even going to write you, but my current boyfriend, Vernon, suggested that I do, calling it "the right thing to do". Anyways, the funeral was today, so you can't even come if you tried. We spread Mum's ashes out at Birmingham Lake which she requested. See you in the summer.
- Petunia
As Lily read the letter, she stared at it with her eyes widened in disbelief. She half expected it to be a joke, but knowing her sister, she knew that it wasn't a joke because in order for Petunia Evans to make a joke, she would need a sense of humor, and that was something that she definitely lacked.
Lily felt completely numb. How could her mother just die like that? It seemed impossible, especially adding onto the fact that Lily hadn't seen her mother since school started and they lived so far apart during the school year.
But even as memories of her childhood flashed past, Lily held her composure and didn't break down. No, that was for in private only. Where no one could ever see her. She reached into the pocket of her robes and found exactly what she was looking for.
She had a small, small bottle of vodka that she carrier around in her pocket--just in case something like this ever happened. She downed the whole thing in one gulp and felt an immediate rush to her head and a buzz. The bottle automatically refilled, as Lily had charmed it to. In her hand, she had a never-ending supply of alcohol which was exactly what she currently needed--even more numbing to soothe the burning pain that was about to erupt any second within her.
Lily grabbed the rest of her mail and tucked it under her arm as she gulped down another small serving of her vodka. She didn't care who saw her but she rushed back to her room. She said fizzing whizbee about a million more times until she realized she still hadn't asked Dumbledore for a password change for her dormitory yet and she wasn't even wearing her clothes--she was wearing James's. And as infuriating and annoying as it was, she smelled like him all day--not that she minded that much.
James.
They were friends, right? Even though deep down inside she knew she wanted them to be something more, they currently were still friends and friends offered each other moral support in times like these.
Besides, it was already around nine, now, so he should be in his room, if Quidditch practice didn't run late today.
Oh, God, please let him be in his room. She sprinted to his room and banged on the door repeatedly.
Nobody answered.
"Damn you, James!" She yelled. "Open this fucking door, right now!"
As her banging decreased, she slowly slid to the ground in a heap, sobbing hysterically. Her make-up was ruined along with her face. She chugged down another tiny bottle worth's full of vodka, feeling better already. She wiped her tears, snot, and who-knows-what off her face with the sleeve of her robe as she kept finishing and taking another mouthful of vodka. She lost count after fifteen swigs.
She'd never see her mother again. Or her father, but he left when she was little, so it wasn't like she'd be seeing him anyway.
Now, every summer, she'd have to spend it with her dratted sister.
Actually, there were no summers left. She was graduating in less than a year.
All of these thoughts came rushing to Lily at once and began scaring her even more.
She didn't want to think. She didn't want to know. She didn't want to let her mind wander.
The only way to stop her mind from wandering was to drink even more.
So she did. One more swig, five more swigs, ten more swigs.
She lost count. Who gave a damn.
Suddenly, the world seemed a much more happier and funner place. Sure it was blurry and hard to see, but who cares? She felt fucking great and that was what was important.
She was just finishing off the national anthem before...
"Lily!" A voice hissed. It was James, in his Quidditch uniform, all sweaty, annoyed, and tired. Sirius, Remus, and Peter had nipped off to Zonko's to buy some supplies and James had a homework assignment to finish, so he bowed out. "What in the bloody hell are you doing?"
"James!" Lily cried happily. "I've... mm, I've missed you!"
James could immediately tell she was intoxicated and realized she still hadn't solved her password situation yet. He knew he had to get her into his room immediately before anybody saw her like this. He threw his broom down as well as his equipment as he picked up Lily and promptly said, "Fizzing Whizzbee."
Within the matter of seconds, he managed to get his things, Lily's things, and Lily herself into his room.
He put her on the bed and wondered why she would show up drunk to his room of all places.
"Stay there, Lily," James said firmly as he stepped into the bathroom. He was tired, covered in sweat, and felt disgusting.
Meanwhile, Lily was lying there on his bed, something which she was getting used to doing. It had been her second night there in a row. She was drunk as hell and couldn't comprehend anything besides the fact that she was in James's room once again.
All of a sudden, her stomach was churning and she felt sick. She ran as quickly as she could into the bathroom next to the toilet and hurled for what seemed like forever.
Finally, she wiped her mouth again on her sleeve and headed back, ignoring the fact that James just climbed out of the shower and was currently towel-less. The pain that she physically felt due to the alcohol was nothing in comparison to her emotional pain.
"Lily," James said worriedly as he wrapped a towel around his waist. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"
"No." Lily turned around to face James, her bottom lip quivering. "I'm not, James."
"Why?"
"...my mother died, James. I'm locked out of my room. I'm a complete fucking mess, look at me! My sleeve is covered with tears, snot, and vomit, and who knows what else. I just ran all the way here from the Owlery, holding a refillable tiny bottle of vodka and didn't even give a damn about who or who didn't see me... my mother's funeral is over, my sister had her fucking cremated, and her ashes are already spread... and now, I can't ever ever ever ever EVER see her again... so, James, that is what's wrong with me right now." Lily looked down and begin to sob.
James was speechless. "Oh... wow. That's a lot. I'm sorry about your mum, Lily."
"Me too," Lily replied, rubbing her head. She walked back to his bed and took another swig of vodka.
James walked over to her and grabbed it out of her hand. "No more of this. You don't seem like the type to handle alcohol very well."
"Oh, how do you know?" Lily replied sarcastically.
James walked back to the bathroom, put on a pair of boxers and a shirt, and carried Lily into the bathroom.
"Let's get you cleaned up, shall we?" He asked cheerily. He helped wash her face and tied her hair up. She was still wearing his clothes under her robes from the night before, so they were still clean. Only her robes were dirty.
He led Lily back into the other room.
"How did your mother die?" James asked softly. She was still drunk, but he didn't want to be harsh.
Lily sniffed as she rubbed her temple slowly. "Car accident."
James shook his head. "Damned muggle things--never figured them out. I failed Muggle Studies. That's why I always fly."
Lily couldn't help but smile a little bit. It was a James-ism.
"Look," James said, taking Lily's hand in his. "You'll be fine. Your mum... well, she's in a better place right now, isn't she? She's never going to suffer some horrible muggle disease or die because of Lord Voldemort or anything... just be thankful for that."
"I guess you're right," Lily replied. "It's just... I feel so unfinished with--"
"Her?" James asked. "I know. You wish you wrote her more, talked to her more... trying to remember last things you said, last letter you wrote, stuff like that."
"Yeah, that's exactly it," Lily answered, nodding. "How do you know?"
"My mum died, too," James said softly. "Back in fourth year. I miss her loads... but I know... I know she's in a better place." He laughed. "That's about five thousands worth of galleons of therapy to take me to say that. She's in a better place. I miss her."
Lily chuckled.
James looked rather pensieve and Lily felt she shouldn't pry, so she remained quiet.
"Sleep on it," James said, turning to her. "You'll feel much better in the morning if you just sleep on it."
"I hope," Lily replied, nodding.
He gently pressed his lips lightly on her forehead, lingering for just a few seconds.
Lily closed her eyes and took in the kiss. She took in the atmosphere, the feelings, and the way they were standing there, facing each other, connected.
She looked up and bit her lip, staring at James. She began to lean forward, knowing that she was crossing that line between friends and lovers and she knew once she fully kissed him they could never quite be friends ever again--but they would just have to figure that out later.
Their lips met slowly and Lily wrapped her arms around his head as he wrapped his arms around her body. It was a strong kiss at first with Lily kissing James hungrily. She needed to find solace within him and to know that he cared. He kissed her back, his mouth forceful and equally as strong. She kissed James to drown her sorrows, melt her pains, and forget her agony. Kissing James numbed it all and gave her something new to focus on. Their kiss became softer and softer as it made both of them weak in the knees.
Lily jumped up and wrapped her legs around James's body, reminiscent of their first kiss, and James held her as he moved toward the bed. He dropped her down on the bed and they both bounced up, only nothing was funny about it. They were momentarily separated as they stared each other in the eyes.
"I thought you wanted us to be friends," James said softly.
"I didn't know what I wanted--but now I do," Lily replied as she reached out and tore off James's shirt.
James took off his shirt then he reached to take off Lily's. As they begun to kiss again, she reached for the waistband of his boxers... and, well, as they say, the rest is history.
- - - - -
Thanks for all the reviews and words of encouragement. Sorry about this late chapter. I'd had it done a few weeks ago but was down. Then I wanted to edit more. Then my internet got funky. But it's here right now. And that's all that matters.
I hope you enjoy this chapter because the next one will be quite sad.
Feel free to email me your ideas or thoughts or random blurbs about your life. I'd love to get to know you all and how you want the story to go.
delovely.