Lusting the Loathed

Chapter Nine - Out of All The Things to Not Remember

Chapter Song: The Postal Service - Against All Odds

James had never felt so content in his life. He even managed to sleep. A peaceful sleep, too. With no interruptions, like getting up to pee or anything. Nope, none.

Sex with Lily... it was... it was indescribable. Sex itself was amazing, but with Lily, it was just a thousand times greater. It was the most sublime sex of his life. He knew that their new relationship would be somewhat clandestine, given both of their high-profile positions within their school. It would be awkward if it got out. But he was pretty sure it wouldn't.

He stared at Lily who was sleeping peacefully next to him.

He smiled and tucked a loose lock behind her ear.

She clutched at the sheets tighter against her chest. She was clothed now, but just last night, she, Lily Evans, was friggin' naked in his bed! The mere thought of that image sent James an exhilarating thrill throughout his body.

Last night was purely amazing. James had chills just thinking about it. Again, the sex was amazing, but cuddling after was even better. It was getting cold, so Lily put her clothes on and drifted to sleep in his arms, with a light smile playing on her lips. Of course she was drunk and muttering beyond coherence, but James was so euphoric and found her so cute, it didn't matter. He stared at her face, studying it for the longest time as she blubbered on and on about the most insignificant little things. Those lips--vivacious, entrancing, and lovely to the umpteenth degree--kissed like no other and definitely felt like no other lips he had ever come across. Her pearly complexion was contrasted by her fiery-red hair, which was then again contrasted by her forest green eyes, which he currently could not see, since she was sleeping. Her pert little nose just made her face all the more beautiful that it already was. He ran a hand through her hand and kissed her gently on the forehead--the same way he did hours earlier that set off the chain of events that led to their wonderful night--and drifted to sleep. Seeing Lily at such peace was the last thing he wanted to see before sleeping peacefully. He had a grueling day at practice, especially since the Quidditch Game was postponed a week later, but he would've gone to a thousand Quidditch practices for one night like that with Lily. Even with all that, he still would've felt like it was a bargain for him.

It was Tuesday morning and already nine--which meant classes had begun. Fuck. But then again, they had Charms first that day and Professor Flitwick worshipped Lily, so being late would be fine for her. James was always complacent to receive another detention, if necessary. Sirius was gaining on him in this department and James needed to win his title back.

Lily was still sleeping quietly. He didn't dare wake her, but instead, brushed his teeth and got dressed.

He dampened his hand and ran them through his hair, trying to straighten his hair out a little bit. When Lily woke up, he wanted to look... nice. Too bad his hair was too damn unruly to actually look neat. He sighed and had a butterbeer from his secret stash.

Slightly hunched over, with the drink in his hand, he watched Lily. As he watched her, he was also mulling over the thought that the two Head Students had sex last night. The fucking head fucking students. Who were supposed to be setting examples. For the younger students.

But then, as James realized, it was okay. It was okay as long as no one found out. James knew he wasn't going to tell anyone. Okay, maybe Sirius. Maybe. But if he did, which he might not do, it's not like Sirius would be going around and yelling it. Sirius knew how to keep his mouth shut.

He took another swig of butterbeer. What the hell was going to happen when Lily woke up? Was she going to greet him with a kiss and maybe even a little post sex?

Well, if he was lucky.

James smiled at the thought.

He loved how now the possibility of sex with Lily was actually a goddamn possibility. He loved it.

He looked at her and stared at her messy hair strewn over his red and gold pillow. She was perfect. He felt perfect.

They were perfect.

James felt happier than he had in a long time. He didn't know Lily very well, true; but he wanted to. He knew when they began this Head Students business; she was slightly annoyed by him. To be honest, he was annoyed by her, too. It was a big fucking cliché but he loved when she got angry. Oh, he was downright scared all right, but it also turned him on. But most of all, it amused the hell out of him.

He noticed that Lily began to stir around.

Oh shit, James though instantly. He quickly ran his hands through his hair and tried his best to look relaxed. What else was there to do after you were supposed to greet the person whom you've just fornicated the night before?

Lily opened her eyes slowly while letting out a big yawn. She stretched out her hands and moved her lithe body under the sheets luxuriously. She looked at James immediately and shot him a smile.

"Lily," James said. "Are you all right?"

Lily nodded weakly. "I'm still alive, aren't I?"

James chuckled. "Yeah."

"Thanks..." Lily said softly, "...for letting me crash."

James grinned. "The pleasure was all mine, Miss Evans."

Lily slapped her hand to her forehead immediately and groaned loudly. "Fuckk!"

"Hangover?" James asked.

She nodded, suddenly sitting up, and squeezed her eyes shut whilst banging her forehead. "Won't. Go. Away. Fuck. fuck. fuck. Never. drinking. again. fuck. fuck. fuck."

James laughed but couldn't help but notice that even though with that weird expression on her face, her matted, messy hair, and fist smacking her forehead, she looked great. She looked like the Lily that James felt for. He didn't want to think love or fell for because he knew he wasn't in love. He was deeply infatuated... which was really the first step to true love, if you think about it.

"God, last night," Lily said, "was a big fucking blur."

James took another swig. "It was great, though. Wasn't it?"

Lily stopped banging and switched to rubbing her forehead. All of a sudden, her chartreuse-pigmented eyes lit up and pain, which was undeniably haunting her face, turned instead into shock and fear. "What was? Oh god, did I tell you something weird about me or something? Oh shit. Did I, James?"

James paused. "No, I was talking about..."

"About what, James? What the hell happened last night?" Lily demanded, her brow furrowed. She bit her lip as anxiety spread over her face and looked extremely clueless as what James was referring to. She wasn't sure if he was pulling a prank or not because he looked honestly shocked. But then again, being the jokester he is, being a great actor comes along with it all.

Oh.

Shit.

Fuck.

Me.

Hard.

James was speechless for a good two minutes. His mouth was slightly open, his head tilted, and he started at Lily in confusion.

"James?"

Then it hit him, like the fiery red Hogwarts Express going at 100mph rushing to get to Hogwarts... Lily simply just didn't know.

She was too drunk to have even noticed that they had sex. She was too drunk to have even noticed that they had sex. She was too drunk to have even noticed that they had sex. She was too drunk to have even noticed that they had sex. She was too drunk to have even noticed that they had sex. She was too drunk to have even noticed that they had sex. She was too drunk to have even noticed that they had sex. She was too drunk to have even noticed that they had sex. He should've known, after all, she had only about a million drinks.

Wait, but her clothes? James mentally heaved a sigh and slapped his forehead when he realized that she put her clothes back on because it was so cold and that James was already dressed simply because he had woken up earlier than expected. It was really just a coincidence but James supposed it'd be better this way, rather than Lily waking up naked and concluding that James had raped or some ludicrous shit like that.

"James?" Lily asked impatiently, her anguish turning into anger. "Oh god, did we do anything?"

James mustered up all his energy possible to laugh. "Nothing, Evans. God, don't get ahead of yourself."

This seemed to relax Lily and she suddenly sighed with relief. "Good. I was beginning to think we had sex or something last night."

James forced another laugh as he felt his eyes moisten. We did, Lily. We did. And it was fucking great

Lily also forced a laugh and shook her head, getting up. "As if that would ever happen. What would people say?"

"I know, right?" James answered in agreement.

"Anyway, I'm going to shower. I'll get the whole password thing sorted out with Dumbledore later--I'm a complete mess right now." She looked at James for a moment and reached out her hand. He took it. He knew she needed him right now, more than ever, as a friend to get over his current crisis. He fully embraced that fact and ignored his own feelings--just for now. No matter what happened, James, above all, would be a friend to Lily. And when you think about it, aren't we all friends in some way? No matter if people are romantically involved or related, the basic foundation of relationships are some sort of friendship. And that is what he would always have with Lily--even if they eventually, but probably not, became lovers.

"James, thanks... thanks for being a friend last night. I really appreciate it." James could now see that Lily's eyes were shining--with tears? Yes. They were tears. Tears of sadness, tears of grief, and tears of loss. Also, tears of gratitude for a friend who had been kind and sympathetic to her plight last night when she really needed it. Yes, Lily would never be able to see her mother again, besides in her memories and in her head, but she knew that James knew exactly how she was feeling inside and that, somehow, consoled her. Another person in this world understood the hell she was going through. It had, after all, happened to him, too. And she appreciated the fact that she could discuss it with James and know that he knew how she felt. It might have not made much sense to an innocent bystander or anyone else, but it made sense to Lily and it also made sense to James.

"Hey, I've been through it. You'll get through it too."

Lily nodded appreciatively and squeezed his hand. "I know." She leaned forward and enveloped James in a hug.

James wrapped his arms around Lily and stroked her hair. Her long, luscious hair that flowed to the middle of her back, which was, in James' opinion, the most perfect length of hair a girl could have. He inhaled her scent--alcohol, tears, and his musk. Sadly, it reminded him not of Lily but more of himself and how he was currently feeling this moment.

He stroked her back and soothingly said, "You'll be fine, Lily. It's going to suck for awhile... and it's going to suck even more. But then it'll get better, I promise."

"I know." Lily pulled back and gave him a watery smile. "She'll always be alive in my memories."

He moved a tuft of hair away from her face and looked into her eyes. "And that's what's really important."

She smiled her tear-filled smile again at James and rested her head on his chest as she closed her eyes and inhaled in his deep, musky scent.

"I know, James. I know."

- - - - -

Lily had already left and classes had begun. Oh, she was brave. Going through the day with a hangover and the death of her mother both mulling inside her mind. The hangover probably wouldn't give her much time to grieve or be sad or think or let her do much else, but that was probably a good thing.

But James was still in his room and even though he was late to class the second time this week, he didn't care.

On the plus side--well, sort of--another detention. Even though Head Boys aren't technically supposed to be the ones receiving detentions--they were supposed to be the ones giving them. James laughed. He sure was a great Head Boy.

When he had started the position of Head Boy, he tried his best to be good. In fact, the detention he had gotten yesterday from Flitwick (apparently in a bad mood, damn) was his first detention of the whole entire year. Which was bloody amazing, considering all the chances he had already passed on to get a detention. Sirius had way more than him and it would be impossible for James to actually catch up. But that was just detention-wise. He was still a full Marauder in every single other aspect.

Shifting the focus back onto his current dilemma, he had just had the most mind-blowing experience of his whole entire fucking life last night and the one person who he could discuss it with, the one person who he had SHARED this intense moment with, didn't even know that they had a moment. And he'll probably never ever have another moment with that person again.

James had never really been rejected or felt the pain of not being with someone before (surprise, surprise), but it wasn't because he was so dashing and popular and good-looking and other bullshit like that--it was because he rarely offered himself up. He did a few times and with those few times; luckily, he was graciously accepted into welcoming arms. He knew it was simply luck and that his heart had to be broken someday but he didn't know that someday was so damn close.

He knew that he definitely couldn't force Lily into anything, but he felt slightly better when he knew that Lily did have something for him. It might not have been a big thing but it was something. From all those nights they spent together in his bed (together!) to the talks they had... he knew that there was still a smidgen of hope for the two of them. It wasn't completely impossible. But it would be hard to make it possible.

Her mum just died. She was... actually, is under emotional duress which is something that can seriously fuck with one's judgment--James understood that above all. He decided that, yes, he liked Lily immensely. Yes, she had a thing for him. Yes, they were Head Students. Yes, he was going to back off. Yes, he was going to focus on Quidditch. Yes, he wouldn't lay another move on Lily or let her in his room again. Who knows what the hell could happen when he had a weakness for her and she was under emotional duress. One thing was for sure: the end result, such as last night, would not be good.

He now knew that he had to avoid Lily. It was awkward; he had feelings for her, she probably did, too, but she definitely wasn't going to tell him or anything. Maybe she even saw him as just a friend. After all, she'd called him a friend several times this morning. Plus, with girls like Lily Evans, you could never really know what was going on in their heads.

James decided to let the world be for today. He was going to take a personal day.

Emotional duress, he figured. For him, not Lily, even though Lily was under it--he now was, too. He'd been through a lot today and it wasn't even fucking nine-thirty in the morning yet.

Yes, it was time to take a day off, James decided as he sighed and slumped back into bed.

- - - - -

AN: Um, yeah. That was really hard to write and saddening too, because I really love James. You guys all got to see him a bit angsty, which, I think, was something new. And because I'm currently reading The Catcher in the Rye which is so angst-filled. So yeah. I've also written some replies to your reviews in your inbox. I'm sorry if you didn't get one, I'm so god damn lazy, lol. Well, I also made a livejournal for this story--in case ever goes down or anything like that. You can check the URL out in my author profile.

Sadly, summer is ending soon. But I'm still going to try my best and update as often as I can because I really love this story to bits and pieces. It's great. I adore it. Next chapter, we'll be hitting the big 1-0! Ten chapters! Wooooooooo. Keep a close eye out for that! And for this chapter, I shall reply to every review :) So tell me anything you'd like and we can chat!

love, Holly (Yes, that is my name!)