Holy Crap! Yes, I'm alive and to my most awesome friend Ed who's the only person to bloody review this, you ROCK! To all you other losers who are reading this but not reviewing, you SUCK! Please, this is my first real fic, I'd appreciate it. Anyway, today the boys show just how nerdy they are, and there is karaoke! Enjoy.
Ahhh, dinner at the Inuzukas. Truly, you will find no family with such strong ties as the proud dog warriors of Konoha. Then again, this might seem slightly forgotten over dinner as they battle over that most coveted treasure of treasures. That treasure I am talking about, of course, is the rights to the last piece of teriyaki beef.
"Uncle Kiba, Akamaru," Kimbo said in a slightly whiny voice, "I wanna talk about what happened at school."
"I beg silence, my dear nephew," Kiba said in an overly dramatic voice. "I and Akamaru have a score to settle. I have not yet forgiven him for the injustice of the spare rib two nights ago."
"Or the curry beef the night before that," Akamaru laughed/barked. "Or the barbeque chicken wing the night before that. Or the-"
"SILENCE!" Kiba barked. "WE FIGHT!"
With that, the two bosom comrades leapt towards the center of the table towards the last piece of beef resting innocently on the plate. The two collided in midair and rolled off the table. The two bit and clawed at each other, trying not only to pull away from the other but to also maneuver himself closer to the prize. It was indeed a close battle. Kimbo, of course, had resigned himself to wait for his crazy uncle and crazier dog to finish their scuffle over who got the last scrap of meat. Finally, a scratched and bloody hand reached up from below the table, padded around, smearing blood, dust, and pulled out fur all over the virgin white tablecloth. Kimbo sighed. Why did he even bother washing that thing? The hand finally found the item it had been questing for, and as if the piece of now very dirty meat had already invigorated his body, Kiba rose up from the floor, and victoriously devoured this delicious morsel.
A few seconds later, Akamaru got up and took his place across from Kiba.
"Now, can I?" Kimbo asked cautiously.
"Yeah, sure, kiddo, go on," Kiba said, ready to listen after that night's great battle.
With that, Kimbo recalled everything that had happened on that day, starting with the written test and Hiro getting stuck with pins and then pinned himself all the way to when the three amigos cheered up their little emo kitten.
"Wow, you've had a full day, kiddo," Kiba said.
"It's good that you three stood up to Hiro," Akamaru growled. "It shows that you're becoming men."
"It's good to see you're standing up for what you believe in," Kiba said. He clasped his nephew's shoulder. "I'm proud of you, kiddo."
Kimbo was almost beaming. "Thanks, uncle Kiba."
With that, the dog warrior and his companion got up from the table. "Now get started washing those dishes, kid. Then after that you can put the table cloth in the washer." With those orders, Akamaru and Kiba slunk off to their room and snoring commenced about half a minute later.
"Geez, five minutes ago, I was becoming a man," Kimbo grumbled as he gathered up the plates. "Now I feel like an old housewife."
"So then he just told me to wash up everything and went to bed! And I bet he was faking falling asleep just so he wouldn't have to do anything!" Kimbo complained to Gasa as the two were walking to Akira's house to pick him up to go to the party of academy graduates.
"Kimbo," Gasa said. "to counter that statement, I am now going to ask you a series of questions."
"Uhh… Okay."
"Has your hair become long, straight, and silky smooth?"
"No."
"Have you acquired an odd fixation for chocolate and the Gilmore Girls?"
"No."
"Have you taken your Y chromosome and traded it in for another X?"
"What?"
"Forget it. And for your final question, do you wear stiletto heels just to make your legs look longer?"
"Gasa, are you trying to insinuate that I'm a girl?"
"No. A Hyugaa, actually. Now quit whining or you'll start rambling on about destiny or some such and I'll have to beat you up."
The two walked for a little while in silence while Kimbo recovered from that verbal pimp smacking. "Gasa," he finally asked, "why am I even friends with you?"
"Silence mind slave."
"Yes master."
So the two finally made it to Akira's house, a classy two story deal with a very nice balcony on the outskirts of town. Kimbo went up to the door and knocked on it.
"Oh, hey boys, how are you?" asked Akira's imposing father, Godoro. He was every inch a military man, from his gnarled hands to his long sinewy forearms, massive belly, and very impressive mustache. He was actually a retired Anbu officer, but now he worked at the Konoha hospital. Still though, he was an old war horse, and even irrepressible troublemakers like Gasa and Kimbo knew to pay him respect if they had any sense of self preservation.
"Quite good, Mr. Kurosawa. Is Akira inside?"
"Nope, he's off fooling in the shed. As usual," Godoro sighed and jerked his thumb towards the tool shed in the back.
"Thank you, Mr. Kurosawa."
The two trotted off to the tool shed, and upon opening the door, were rewarded with the scent of white phosphorus, sulfuric acid, and freshly cut grass. Akira was in the back, surrounded by various beakers and flasks bubbling and smoking and a few who were merely staring evilly at him.
"Akira, would I regret asking what the heck you're working on that requires converting your father's tool shed into an apothecary?"
"That depends on if you've eaten an hour prior to this," Akira said, scribbling something onto a clipboard. "Is dad getting impatient yet?"
"Yeah, he sounds like he's kind of resigned."
"I figured as much. Half a dozen years of your shed being taken over will do that to a guy." Akira sighed. "Well, I'm pretty much done anyway. I'll just take what I need and compile my notes."
"Akira," Kimbo asked cautiously, "what exactly have you been doing in here? Because I can't think of you doing anything for six years. Except maybe sleep."
To this Akira grinned. "My good friends, behold! The greatest innovation in biological warfare since Sunagakure's weapons of mass destruction!"
"Akira, those weren't even-"
"Silence!" Akira said with a powerful gesture. "And feast your eyes upon the biological weapon codenamed Green thirty eight!" with that, Akira whipped a white cloth off of a large table, revealing…
"Uhhh, Akira, just for reference, that," Gasa said, pointing at the contents of the table, "is a patch of grass."
"It is not just a patch of grass!" Akira said in the overly dramatic voice he usually saved for occasions such as this. "It is a special genetically engineered grass! It is fast growing, requires almost no tending, can live off of ten percent of the water required for regular grass, and gets no taller than what you see!"
"So what, you created the perfect grass," said Kimbo, who wasn't so much impressed with his friend's genetic achievement as he was surprised that lazybones Akira had committed so much time to working on this project. "What are you going to use this deadly biological weapon for? Win the Konoha Best Lawn Competition?"
To answer that, Akira threw a steak on the grass. And then it disintegrated.
"Behold!" he said in the same overly dramatic voice, "the first flesh eating grass! It has thousands of tiny pods filled with hydrochloric acid that rupture when anything puts pressure on it, thus causing it to get digested! The juices seep back into the soil and the plant takes care of the rest."
"Wow, I hate to admit it, but that is really impressive," Gasa said amazed.
"Dude, this is awesome!" Kimbo said, "A weapon like this will revolutionize warfare!"
"No, no it won't," Akira said sadly as he began to dismantle his lab.
"What are you talking about?" Kimbo asked incredulously.
"I asked for one to many advances on my allowance to get this done," Akira sighed as he sorted out his notes. "Dad's effectively frozen all monies I have ever earned. I'm not getting any money from him for about… twenty years. But it's cool."
"But dude, why don't you just get a patent on this stuff?" Gasa asked. "I can think of a least five people who would pay more than a hundred times what you're worth for it! I'll give you a hint, their names all end in 'kage'!"
"It's not just that, bro," Akira said as he put up flasks and beakers. "I've been working on this since I was seven. I'd sleep in here and take my meals in here, doing experiments and thinking of equations, crossbreeding different species of grass and concentrating acid concoctions. I went to therapy because of this! And only to finish it and lose all my money. As cool as it is, it wasn't worth six years of my life. So I'm done. No more playing God. I'm becoming a professional slacker. Besides, I think my dad will be happy to have the shed back after six years."
"It's probably for the best." Gasa said. "But now you have a good four to eight extra hours on your hands every day. How are you going to occupy yourself?"
"Well, besides more hanging out time, I've recently gotten interested in writing fan fiction."
"Really?" Kimbo said interestedly.
"Yeah, I'm even working on one right now. It's based off of that manga I read, Tomai, Loser From the Appalachians."
"Oh hey, do you have the new issue yet?"
"But of course." With that, Akira plunged his hand into one of the countless pockets on his jacket and came out with a comic book. On it was a tall boy running away from a bunch of what looked like crazed teenage girls. Under the picture was the title "Tomai and the rabid yaoi slash fan girls from the Gundam Wing section".
"Awesome," the other two boys said.
"You'll have to let me read that at the party."
With that, the three went off to enjoy their graduation party.
When Naruto took up the position of Hokage, many prominent lords and people of note spoke out against him. They claimed he couldn't delegate, that he was crass and simple, and had no upbringing. But despite all these things, they all conceded to one point.
He could throw one heck of a party.
And true to form, the Konoha graduation party lived up to the Hokage's expectations. The whole of the town square was transformed with the warm glow of paper lamps, the sounds of music and laughter, and the heady smell of delicious food. Everyone had chipped in. Even a certain person who had been gone for a long time.
"Sasuke!" Naruto exclaimed, beholding his comrade sitting behind one of the booths. "Where the heck have you been for these two years! I almost had to designate you a missing nin! Again!"
"Many places, mainly Iwagakure. I had to, find myself I guess."
"So, did you?"
"You know what, I have. I realized life's to short to be such a bastard. So, I'm done being an avenger. I'm actually thinking of starting up the Konoha police force again, and rebuilding the old Uchiha district. I think my parents would like this more than their sons killing each other."
"You know, it would probably be a good thing," Naruto said musingly. "The relations between the nations after the rearranging of country boundaries has been a bit strained. It would be nice to have some locally based ninjas to keep the peace. Anyway, are you sure you're completely over being an avenger to your family?"
"Yeah, why?"
"Well, you have a kunai throwing booth open where you charge kids to throw knives at Itachi's likeness."
Sasuke looked at the likeness in question, which was now covered in kunai, almost like a bishy shaped pincushion, and laughed. Honestly laughed.
"Well, old habits die hard."
Naruto smiled. "I like the new you, Sasuke."
"Don't get used to it," Sasuke now said in a more familiar tone. "This is just for the day. Come tomorrow, I'll be the same dude you've hated for all these years. I don't know who was stupid enough to make you Hokage in my absence, but I'll make sure to show them what an idiot you really are."
For about two seconds, Naruto wanted to punch Sasuke in the face. But then he saw his eyes. They weren't the ice cold things he remembered from his childhood. They were deep and warm. And finally, he understood. "Good to have you back, teme."
"Same to you, dobe."
Awww, geez, wasn't that freaking adorable? But wait, what of our hero, Kimbo and his crazy friends? What has been happening to them? Why, their young hands and backs have been exploited, of course!
"No! You must cut the meat thicker than that! And that's not how you hold the knife! And Akira, use those gorilla arms of yours! Don't hold the skillet like that! You'll burn yourself! See! Well, serves you right, genius! And Gasa, quit messing with that cask of sake!" Chouji was in his element, bellowing at about half a dozen of Konoha's delinquents, all having been pressed into service for various tabs and misdemeanors.
A slight gurgle escaped from Gasa's voice box as Akira took a break from being deep fried to roll the massive sake cask off of his friend. "Do you know what movie I'm reminded of right now?" the tiny pale kid said as he fixed his rain hat.
"Ben Hur?" Akira laughed. "I suppose so, but I don't think I'd like to see a sweaty Chouji san with his belly bared.
"Gah! Akira, do you do this just to creep us out? And what's with this cask! There can't be anyone who needs this much nosh!"
"I'll have a bowl of soba with sake, please," a quiet voice said from the front of the food stand.
The three looked at the man who said this. He was tall, and wore a coat with a severe collar. He was wearing a ninja mask that fitted over his mouth, had his hair pulled back in his hitaiate, kind of like Akira's head scarf, but not as long. He had a pair of opaque shades on as well, making his face completely inscrutable.
"Hey, wait! I know you!" Kimbo exclaimed. "You're Aburame Shino!"
"Yes." The masked shaded man said.
"Wait, weren't you on the same genin cell with Kimbo's uncle?" Akira asked.
"Yes."
"And don't you work as a black ops tracker with him nowadays?" Gasa asked.
"Yes."
"Yeah, you're uncle Kiba's best friend right?" Kimbo asked.
Complete silence. "May I please have my soba?"
And that pretty much was the party for our trio of misfits. They spent the entire time behind the counter, watching people come and go, and caught glimpses of many of Konoha's citizens. Lee and Sakura passed by with their five kids, Tenten finally dragged her husband away, and Hinata came over and helped the kids clean the booth up.
"Now hurry up, kids. The jounin are going to do karaoke. You don't want to miss that, do you?"
The boys grinned and took front seats. Grown ups embarrassing themselves on a level that wasn't even possible by there pranks? Yes please.
And so, the competition started. Not surprisingly, Kiba was the first eliminated. Poor dude. He's a nice guy, but I've heard tomcats sing better while being swung around by their tail. The night wore on, the boys either listening interestedly or laughing hysterically at the antics of their elders, and finally, the last karaoke battle began.
It was Rock Lee versus Shino. Who'd have thought. Lee, of course was getting seriously into it, puffing his chest out, striking poses, blowing kisses to his thoroughly embarrassed wife, and making ludicrous claims of what he'd do if he'd fail, settling finally on doing ten thousand sit ups with a vat of live scorpions on his belly while resting atop hot coals.
Shino, on the other hand, didn't say a thing, though he was drinking sake out of a largish jug and was still so sober that he could do a brain surgery blindfolded while settling his taxes on the phone. The guy could hold his drink down like an Irishman.
Lee started out, performing a love song to his wife, Fever by Ray Charles. He sang the jazzy tune so beautifully it began to snow, but it is winter. Still though, it added to the effect. His voice was as silky smooth as a baby's caboose, and all the women in the crowd were mesmerized. Then all these women tried to leap on the stage, but Sakura socked all of them into next month. For those of you still trying to figure out how a dude like Lee could sing, allow me to show you how it all went down.
Lee: Oh, Gai sensei! My adoration of Sakura chan eats away at me like a thousand giant termites of love! How can I show her my everlasting love for her in a way that shows all of my youth!
Gai: Lee, my prized pupil of all that is youthful! The answer is song! Let your feelings flow from your heart to your mouth in an unstoppable surge of youth! I happen to be a prize winning tenor and will teach you everything that I know!
Lee: If I cannot woo Sakura chan with my voice within a week, I will… I don't know, do ten million pushups or something to that effect!
Gai: Oh Lee!
Lee: Oh Gai sensei!
Gai: Lee!
Lee: Gai sensei!
Gai: Lee!
Lee: Gai sensei!
Aaand, the huggy beach wave thing. Hey, you guys know what I'm talking about, use your bloody imaginations.
Though he did master singing in a week, it took him another five years to actually get a date with Sakura. Coincidentally, on their first date, Lee sang to her, and the two were married in three months time. Also coincidentally, the two now have five children with another on the way. Sakura's two months in. Those crazy sex-havers.
So, back to the competition. Lee has finished and was being graded by the fabulous judges who were, in fact, the sennin. Orochimaru was taken out of the Konoha prison just for the occasion.
"Yo, dog, you did you're thing. Like totally, the thing a dog like you does, it was totally done, dog." That was Jiraiya.
"Beautiful! I love it! You're so unique and beautiful and I just want to hug you until your cute little spine is crushed to dust!"
"Dreadful."
That was Orochimaru and Tsunade. You know what, I'll let you decide who's who.
So then it was Shino's turn. He had chosen "What a Wonderful World" by Little Louis, and hearing him was like getting hit in the back of the head with a lemon wedged onto a golden brick. His voice was like the most delicious honey of all time, and it oozed through the ears of all the listeners, moving everyone to tears.
For those of you wondering how our boy Shino can sing, lemme fill you in.
Shino: I have read every book in this entire library on all jutsu and training. Did I miss anything?
Librarian: There's this book on singing.
Shino: I'll take it.
Shino memorized the entire book in a little more than a week and has been able to sing like an angel since. While we're talking about marriages, Shino and Tenten were married about a year ago. No talking about kids yet, though Shino would like some.
The stereotypical quotes from the judges, and Naruto himself walked onto the stage holding an envelope. He wiped a few tears off of his face, and opened up the envelope. "And the winner for this year's Jounin Karaoke Super Showdown is-"
And, another cliffhanger. Hate me yet? What's that? You want to hang me by my colon? Well how about telling me that in a review? It would be mutually beneficial to both of us. I get acknowledgement to fuel my ego, and you get to tell the whole bloody world how much you hate me. Join us next time to find out who gets the gold! This is Tomai, signing off.