Fifteen.

Dawn

"Hey, Dawn?" Mary Anne spoke a little too late, since she already had my bedroom door halfway open. I gasped and pulled my sheet over me. The door opened the rest of the way and for a moment she was speechless. Then--

"Ohmigod! I'm sorry, I'm--" My sister didn't finish as she slammed the door shut again. I looked at John (or is it Jay?) wide eyed. He was casually buttoning his pants, unfazed by what Mary Anne had seen. He smiled slightly and pulled a little baggie out of his pocket, tossing it on the bed. It landed next to my exposed leg. "Thanks, sweetness." He said, opening the door.

Mary Anne was still standing there. John or Jay brushed past her casually, leaving the door open. Mary Anne stood in the doorway, mouth open. I quickly reached for the baggie but she spotted it before my hand covered it. "Dawn?" She asked in a small voice.

I stared at the door frame. I couldn't meet her eyes.

"Dawn?" She asked again. Only this time the timidness had disappeared, and anger had crept in to her tone. She was putting the pieces together quickly. She knows I have no money. She knows what I just did. I'm not proud of it, by any means. Doing favors for drugs is something that was pretty normal for me a year ago. Things were supposed to be different now. I'm supposed to be stronger. I'm just supposed to be having a little fun. I really didn't mean to do what I had just done, in a way. It had just... happened that way.

A tear slid down my cheek, and I wiped at it furiously. Mary Anne's face was turning beet red. Dammit, dammit, dammit. We've been getting along so well. "Mary Anne... come on. The past week has been so nice. Please... don't..."

"What are you doing?" She shrieked, ignoring my plea. "I give you a little slack and you turn into some.. some... prostitute?" She spat that last word, and more tears escaped my eyes. Then she did the worst thing possible. She spun around and walked away.

"Mary Anne?" I called after her, scrambling from the bed. I located the nearest t-shirt and put it on. Please, God, anything but that. Let her yell, let her scream, let her cry, but don't take her away from me again...

As I was struggling with a pair or shorts I could hear Mary Anne shouting from the living room. Probably at John or Jay. Or maybe just in general. As I rushed down the hall I ran smack into Kristy, who clamped her hand around my upper arm and yanked me back toward my room. "No, uh-uh. Back this way. She's in melt down mode."

"Butahhavtatoktooer!" I blubbered. I took a deep breath, surprised by how hard I way crying. Kristy pulled me into my room and sat me on the bed, shutting the door behind her.

She sat next to me and stroked my hair gently. "I know you want to talk to her, Dawn. You just can't right now, okay?"

I took a few more deep, shuddering breaths. Then I looked behind me and grabbed the baggie that was still laying on the sheet, where my leg had been. Kristy watched.

"Alan's a virgin." She said.

I stopped suddenly and stared at her. A smile threatened the corners of my mouth as I recalled our earlier conversation. As I recalled Kristy declaring that the macaroni tasted like gym socks in the midst of a serious discussion about Jamie Newton. It was easy to see her, behind all that hair and makeup. "Is he still one?" I asked, my eyebrow raised. I pushed current problems in my life to the back of my mind and gave Kristy most of my attention, although some was on the lines I was cutting.

"Yeah. It kind of... I don't know, freaked me out." She made a face.

"How so?"

"Well... I ran out of the room." She closed her eyes, reliving it. "It's strange. I suddenly started wondering what kind of slut I must look like to him. How do I know that's not the only reason he's with me?"

She opened her eyes, looking vulnerable. I paused in my work. "Well, I don't know. I think that's only reason any guy has ever..." I shook my head. Trying to forget that for now. "Alan seems sincere to me, Kristy. Does he even know about... how things used to be with you?"

Kristy shrugged. "I think pretty much everyone in school had some idea of what was going on. I was hanging out with the burnouts, I had quite a reputation for being, you know, easy." She was looking down now, and her manner reminded me not of gross comments in the cafeteria, but of that day she had come over to my house for the first time. She had been vulnerable, afraid of losing her best friend, and had masked that with a dislike for me. I had seen through it, though. I had spotted this Kristy, the one who was unsure of herself, and I had made her my friend. I shivered slightly. What ever had become of those two girls swinging on a rope and landing in soft hay?

She finally looked up again and her eyes were a little shiny. I wonder if she was thinking about the same thing.

"I hate this, wondering all the time what people are thinking about me. I suppose it's the price you pay for mistakes in your past... I cannot wait to go college. I'm going to U.C. Davis, did you know that? As far away as I can get..." Kristy rambled on. I raised my eyebrows. No, I had not known she was going to California.

"What are you going to study?" I asked gently, prodding her away from the subject at hand.

A genuine smile escaped her. "Veterinary medicine. I'm pretty sure I want to be a vet, but sometimes I think it would be awesome to be a pediatrician. Kids and dogs, I love them all. You should come with me, Dawn. I don't know California too well."

I grinned. "I can't say I know the Davis area too well myself. I'm an OC girl, remember?"

"Are you going to go to college when you graduate?" Kristy asked.

I swallowed thickly. I hate this subject. I have long since given up my plans to go to Berkeley. I had wanted to be so many things, I just knew it had to deal with the ocean or the environment, and Berkeley had been my dream school. "I... really don't know." I said slowly. "I'm thinking about it. Maybe I'll just give Stoneybrook U a shot." I looked back down at the crystal meth I'd been cutting up but had forgotten for a few moments and went back to it. It kills me that this is once again becoming my reality.

Kristy simply watched me.

"I don't want to be this girl again." I murmured, stopping again and running my hand over my cheek. The scarring from all the acne I'd had a year ago was almost gone, but I could feel new bumps forming. Speed bumps, they're called. They come quick. I look up at Kristy. "Why can't I stop? You stopped."

"I had help." Kristy murmured, looking not at me but at the drugs. "A lot of help."

"I once asked mom if I could go to rehab. Richard told her all I needed was discipline."

Kristy met my eyes, looking sad. "You're eighteen, now, Dawn. Just check yourself in."

"Maybe." Once again, I resumed my work. I tapped the razor on the night stand to shake off the excess. I leaned over and quickly snorted two lines.

"Dawn?" I heard Kristy ask. Her voice sounded dreamy.

Blinking rapidly, I looked back at her. She looked dreamy, too. "Yeah?"

"Can I have some?"

Wow.

Standing up, I shoved the little baggie into the pocket of my shorts. I stood in front of Kristy, and she looked up at me meekly. I had never, ever seen her look so weak. Instinctively, I leaned down and wrapped my arms around her. She hugged me back fiercely, sniffling. I felt a dampness on my shoulder where her face was buried.

"No, Kristy. Never." I whispered into her ear. A small sob escaped her, and I hugged her even harder. Then I pulled back, placing a quick kiss on her cheek. I walked rapidly to the door, not looking back at her, knowing the look on her face might change my mind. I ran down the hall and through the living room, where Mary Anne sat with Trent's arm around her. I ran onto the porch, where Claudia, Stacey, Pete, and Logan were lounging, Logan with a cigarette in his hand, looking irritated. I ran into the rain and over to the house next door, assuming John or Jay had gone home after out little romp. I, and my drugs, needed to be as far away from Kristy as possible right now.

I stood on the porch of the house that belong to Trent and John or Jay and a couple other guys I hadn't really spoken to, looking out at the rain. A heavy fog was rolling in off the ocean, looking like a black wall coming in off the ocean. It was ugly and quite beautiful at the same time. For the first time in almost a year, I missed the Pacific.

I knocked on the door, still watching the fog come in. I heard it open a moment later and there was John or Jay. He smiled and invited me in. Tweekers always like to have a friend.